HOLY AND LOWLY--ANOTHER SUPER DAY!

 Here I am again, posting up and taking names. Admit it, last night's questions were pretty great. Who doesn't love a levitating, sin smelling saint? for some reason, all those crazy saint stories just fascinate me. Man, I wish I could levitate,too. And Modern Family is the best. That episode still cracks me up and I have a huge soft spot for Cameron and Mitchell. Maybe it's the Asian baby.

You all gave great answers and good fun was had by all. Louis, good luck with the lovely Skylar. Keep playing it cool. Borrow Chris' awesome, epic penguin jacket and she will totally notice you and run right into your stylish arms  Mrs.Sarge, hope the move is going well, I'm sure you're handling it all with your usual good humor. Suechi, "adult racist Laurie"?? are you kidding me?  I about choked to death laughing so hard. You know that is getting some extra credit. Amy, how did the meeting with the Monsignor go? Feel free to throw down the Notre Dame card, but use it carefully. For some reason the Archbishop of Milwaukee hates ND, and tells me so quite often. It was from that whole Obama thing...blah, blah, blah...

Tricia, there is no way you can be any less churchy than the McKeons. Just ask my kids about the time they were laughing so hard during the parish mission that the entire section of pews was shaking and everyone around us acted like they were in an earthquake and kept turning and going ..."SSHHHH!!" It only made things worse..(this was just last year--it was awful and I think it was Pete's fault) .Just last week at Mass, Dave noticed that our kneeler had a little issue, so during the consecration (no big deal, just the MOST important part of the Mass-- except for the collection) he whips out some pocket tool thing, crawls under the pew and starts to try to fix it, and then gets kind of pissed because some pieces were missing and says in a loud voice (because he does not know how to whisper): "I can't fix this..It's missing some F'ing screws" ..nice...the people behind us were dying. Frankly, we have to go to Mass every week, because only like one out of every three seems to "take". Once when we lived in Ohio, I had to give a speech during 5:00 Mass about our school's Annual Appeal. (5:00 was "our" Mass, because it took me all day to get the kids ready for church) My kids were pretty little at the time, and when I left the pew, Pete who was like a year old, starting crying. (he used to be a HUGE mama's boy...kid you not), then he started wailing and wouldn't stop. Up at the pulpit, I finally just said, "Oh, for God's sake, just pass him up here" and the entire congregation just handed him up to me pew by pew. Of course, he immediately stopped crying once I was holding him.  At which time I said; "If you all give enough money to the school Annual Appeal, I promise that my family will start going to a different Mass" This is a true story. And Pete has been cutting up in church ever since.

THIS JUST IN: Like the psychic predicted, Nate McKeon got beat like a lame mule by the Prairie state tennis champ-6-0, 6-0. Good thing Jack wore that cool sport coat, because my day was all down hill from there:
First, as the boys are leaving for school, Nate informs me that he and Pete's toilet is plugged and has been for a few DAYS...nice. of course when I flush and frantically plunge...you all know how this one ends. I scream for the infinitely stronger, better plunger Dave McKeon who is cursing like Sara Pond because he has an early meeting at work and does not want to get "toilet water" on his freshly showered legs...He plunges like a yeoman and fixes the main issue. leaving me to clean up all the residue...great.
Next, Posey shares with me this afternoon that during auditions for this little school theater performance, she had a brain freeze and the only song she could think of to sing was CeeLo's "F** you," which she wisely sang as "Forget You" but still managed to leave in some of the profanity (Posey has a history of totally blanking out during any sort of high stress situation--last year in a similar audition situation she forgot the words to "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"). This year, we were not so lucky. So, as all the other girls are singing church hymns, Disney songs and the occasional Taylor Swift tune, my daughter is belting out--totally off key I am sure: "oh sh*t she's a gold digger, Well, just thought you should know n*gga...Forget You". I'm just waiting for the phone call....The important role of Fighting Tree Number Two has her name written all over it.
Finally, in the total capper of my super day, I got this odd notice from the USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services--for those of you who do not know this, for the last two and a half years, we have been in the process of adopting a little girl from Ethiopis --note the words" in process". It is a total marathon, and getting worse every day. Seriously, as I keep telling our social worker, "the worst day at our house has got to be better than the best day in an orphanage in Ethiopia. What's the hold up?") which drove me into a total panic (generally, in most aspects of my life, I'm pretty on top of things, but this adoption stuff sends me into a total moronic, melt down, Posey-auditiony, panicky stupor and I am constantly messing things up or misunderstanding the direction. Every g.d. illegal alien is filling out the citizenship paper work with fake ids and a Spanish/English dictionary, but Laurie "law school cum laude" McKeon screws it up every f'ing time...) So, I send a big, long , whiny email to our social worker, asking what to do, and she wisely replies "Can you scan me the form, so I know what you are talking about?" I say: "Sure. Great idea".  Well, previously today, I scanned and sent a sketch I drew of Wendy's proposed fireplace mantle to her builder. So, in my blind panic to keep this adoption on track and keep the papers moving, I shove the form into the scanner, hit the requisite buttons and get this very nice reply from our social worker:

"hmmm....I see a drawing of a new entertainment center??  :)  It looks very nice, but I can't see the document....can you try again?Thanks!"  Mother-pus-bucket--could I be a bigger moron?? No..And of course, you know this social worker is totally thinking, "there is no way in hell we are giving this shidiot another kid. That little girl has a WAY better chance of making it in an African orphanage than with this family" That kind of sums up my day, but on the bright side, I'm not moving an entire medical office like Mrs. Sarge and Rory McElroy is leading the Masters, so I've got that going for me...

Now, for today's results:

John: still going strong; TWO for being right, THREE for being first with "great shoes, Laurie" and ONE for being third with St. Christina the Astonishing. Total for the night: SIX

Judy: TWO for being right, but because your St. Christina answer wasn't complete, I can only give you partial speed credit, so TWO for that; total: FOUR

Suechi: TWO for correctness, THREE for being first with the complete answer about St. Christina smelling sin...total: FIVE

Amy: TWO for being right, TWO for being second with Holy one and ONE for being third with the lowly: your total for the night: FIVE big points--take that, Monsignor..

Tricia: TWO for  being right, TWO  more for being second with "great shoes, Laurie". That gives you a solid FOUR point total for the night.

Chris, Kim, Louis, Stacy, Mrs.Sarge: TWO points each. and now let's award the Extra credit: Let me just preface this by saying, Stacy, I really wanted to give you some EC, because I loved your joke, but I only have so many points to give away and Louis may well flunk out of school and probably needs the rosary to pray for a miracle or theTiffany bracelet to woo Miss Skylar, so I went with him tonight...super tough choice, though.

Louis: TWO extra credit points for sharing your love life, and recognizing the wonder of Chris' jacket. that brings you up to FOUR big points tonight

Kim: THREE big points for being nice to Louis, and showing love to the blog. Your total is FIVE

MrsSarge: FIVE big points for still posting in the midst of the big move, which takes you to SEVEN

Suechi: TEN whopping points for "Adult Racist Laurie" What, as opposed to "Child Racist Laurie??" I could not laugh any harder...I'm still laughing a little bit right now.

Now, let's move on to tonight's questions:

1. Because last night's saint question was so popular, here is another one: This female saint loved music and is the patron saint of television, because she was able to see Mass on a wall when she could not attend. (please do not tell Pete or Dave McKeon this anecdote,because I'm sure they will both claim to "watching" Mass on the wall from now on...
2. What was Mr. Baxter's job on Hazel?

Tonight's top ten:

1. Original Penguin tennis sweaters and jackets, very cool
2. Cole Haan slide-in suede slippers--Pete is wearing his tomorrow to school, he thinks they are shoes. They were cheap on gilt.com, so I don't care.
3. McDonalds ice cream cones: only 49 cents--and mighty tasty
4. This month's Vanity Fair. every article is great, even the one about the King James Bible.
5. Adult Racist Laurie--my new best friend
6. Cee Lo's "Forget Me"--sung by a 5th grader...
7. Alec Baldwin--he is super funny
8. Bumble and Bumble shampoo--worth the price and the little hairspray is pretty great, too
9. Chicago Bulls--they are pretty good and kind of have a shot at winning in the play offs, so I will never watch them
10. Nate McKeon--took his whipping like a man. And that's good enough for me. We may be losers, but we are not quitters..

Good luck with tonight's questions and even more luck reading this whole big, long post.