GROUP TEXTS

 Oh, Lord, is it cold--so, so cold.  And it doesn't appear to be warming up anytime soon. ( 20 degrees does not a warm up make, so I don't want to hear about tomorrow's fine weather) We are in this deep freeze for the long haul, so hunker down and read this blog.

My last post was a very long time ago.  Sorry. I should have followed that ugly photo blog bonanza with something great. (thanks to all of you who shared that post.) And I had every intention of doing just that.  I actually started an awesome Thanksgiving post, about all the things for which I am grateful. I got about 40% done, but then I had to go and actually celebrate Thanksgiving, so I never finished. And it was all down hill from there.  Christmas came up, (very, very fun--and I made home made chocolate pies, cream puffs and cupcakes that were awesome.  The rest of my meal for 25--meh, it was ok. ) there were a lot of football games to watch, I had to eat some left over pie, then I had to see some great movies (American Hustle, Wolf of Wall Street, Saving Mr. Banks) Then, we got NetFlix for Christmas, (Merry Christmas to me) so I had to watch the entire season of House of Cards--(I kind of love Frank Underwood--anyone who easily uses the word "lassitude" in a sentence is alright in my book) Throw in New Years, all the post holiday sales and all the sugarfina champagne gummi bears I had to consume, and man, time just slipped away. But here is a follow up to my last post...kind of.  If you recall, at the end of my last post, I was a bit nervous about what sort of ugly faces would be in our Christmas cards. Well, lo ho ho dear readers, read on and see what happens next.

Most of you know how seriously I take our Christmas cards.  This year we were kind of rushed for time, because Jack was in London and the rest of the Notre Dame crowd wouldn't be coming home until Dec 22.  So, I had to order our cards with no photo.When I called my good, great friend Roger, who does our cards every year  (he's the best. I mean it) in late November to place the order, he told me I had exactly two hours to figure out what I wanted to put on the inside of the card if I wanted to get the cards on time... (Roger is a bit of a Nazi--and ok, I know that our cards were borderline late, but it wasn't Roger's fault...tight turnaround on our part)  And because I am getting old and have been doing these cards for a very long time, I quickly group texted Annie, Chris and Nate at Notre Dame, Jack in London and Pete in class at St. Joes to give me some help with crafting the perfect holiday message:  (I LOVE group texts)

HERE IS THE GROUP TEXT STREAM: (The stuff in italics is the proposed Christmas messages. The rest is just the general McKeon chit chat--do you need quotations when you are relaying text messages? The punctuation here is messed up. Sorry.  Is there an MLA format for text messages? )

ME: "Heyo, I am getting the Christmas card together and need a saying for the inside...You have 2 hours to give me your best Christmas greeting. Winner gets $50. cash real money, Go."

Chris: "Merry Christmas from the fatties, the sickos and Dave"

Jack: "There's a hidden valley ranch party in My mouth!"

Nate: "Season's greetings from robotrons and horses!"

Jack: "Just use emojis."

Jack again: "Bitches get stitches"

Nate: "We all lay across the kitchen table in the picture and say": "This kitchen is bitchen!"

Chris: Just put: "Who's bringing the beer?"

Chris again: "Putting the Chris in Christmas"

Jack: "Putting the Jack in Christmas"

Annie: "Merry Christmas from Pepe and the half wits"

Chris: "Merry Christmas from President Bartlett and the White House staff. Go, America!"

Nate: 'The children were hung by the chimney with care" and then have a picture of us hanging off the mantle"

Annie: "That's awful!"

Me: "Maybe we could make that work"

Annie: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a big fight" ..."and then we have a female fight club."

Jack: "Merry Christmas from the funny people and Annie and Posey" "Actually, Annie, that was funny. You're back in."

Chris: "On changi, on changi, on changi good night."

Me: "Stop. Focus."

Jack: "Merry Christmas from the fatty, natty boys" 

Nate: "Hello, hello, hello one and all. Merry happy Christmas from your friends at 105.9 the Cruise and Drive" 

Me: "That doesn't even make sense."

Chris: "Happy Christmas from skinny Dave and the boys".

Annie: "Deck the halls with dart olympics"

Jack: "Annie's gonna win and I need that fifty!"

Me: "Then try harder.  We are down to 90 minutes."

Nate: "The stockings were stuffed but Dave sure wasn't"

Annie: "What child is this?" and then we have a picture on the front of the card with all of us pointing at Pete"

Jack: "Annie is so going to win"

Chris: "Oh, Holy Fight" 

Annie: "Then in the picture, we act out the nativity scene as a fight..."

Chris: "I'll split that money with Annie $45-$5"

Nate: "Then we can do a laser light show.  I'll take that $50"

Annie: "Merry Christmas from Laur, who puts the NO in Noel" 

Annie: "Don't some songs talk about making a joyful noise? that sounds like us.  Maybe we can do something with that..."

Chris: "I think that's in a NWA song."

Annie: "I'm dreaming of a Fight Christmas" 

Chris: "Have you noticed that a fight theme runs through all of these?"

Me: "We did a fight thing with "The other fighting Irish" a few years ago. No fighting"

Chris: "Frosty the Snow man" with just a picture of dad

Jack: "O, Holy Flight" and we hang Nate from some wires and have him fly over us."

Pete finally chimes in: "Chestnuts roasting on an open Meyer" and then we have a picture of Miss Meyer, the teacher at St. Joes."

Nate: "Perfect.  I'm sold. Pete is the queen."

Chris: "We have a winner!"

Jack: "The weather outside is frightful, but Miss Meyer is so delightful" 

Me: "Sorry, Miss Meyer is out.  C'mon. Make this happen or we are going with the children being hung by the chimney with care."

Pete: "Oh little town of Breathlehem" and then we take a picture of Posey's stanky breath some how..."

Nate: "Pete is on a roll.  How about: "Shark the Herald, Angels sing" and have a picture of a shark..."

Annie: "Can we do something with "tidings of comfort and joy?"

Nate: "Yahweh in a manger" and then have a picture of fat Pete in a manger"

Annie: "May your holiday be filled with Christmas jeer" 

Nate: "It's the most blunderful time of the year. ...waaahhh waaaahh"

Pete: "Merry Christmas from Warlocks and Co... and then we all just shrug in the picture"

Annie: "Sleep in heavenly fleece... and then we all wear fleece onsies in the picture"

Chris: "Our finest gifts we bring: Dave brings long islands, Laurie brings unconditional love, Annie brings the law, Jack brings the beer, Nate brings the cheer, Pete brings the fear, Posey brings the conversation and I'll bring the funk"

Me: "That's a little long, but I appreciate the effort."

Annie: "No, no, no."

Nate: "Bok choi to the world" and then just have a picture of Posey"

Me: "Please focus. I'm not kidding."

Annie: "I think Christmas jeer has some potential."

Pete: "Wrong!"

Jack: "I like Chris' long one"

Me: "We have less than an hour. I'm leaning toward Putting the NO in Noel or else hanging you guys on the mantle."

Pete: "Merry Christmas from Glass Steagall" 

Pete again: "Tender Hennessey Christmas: the Dave McKeon story"

Chris: "That's the one."

Nate: Hahahah

Me: "That's a pretty good one, but you may not get your Christmas checks from Grandma McKeon if you mock your father."

Pete: "Then just say "Have a tender Hennessey Christmas" "(fyi: this is a play on Have a Tender Tennessee Christmas, that  perennial Christmas favorite by Amy Grant--I think)

Me: "What is Hennessey?"

Chris: "You don't need to know". (fyi: I do what Hennessey is...)

Nate: "Angels we have heard on Thigh" and then we all wear Chubbies shorts in the picture."

Chris: "Perfect"

Chris: "God rest ye Merry Gentleman   and then we all wear leisure wear."

Jack: "Oh Come all ye Disgraceful"

Annie: "Tidings of comfort and joy"  and we all wear fancy sweat pants and lay on the couch". (last year Pete and Chris got these really nice sweats from Jack Wills for Christmas--and now they call them their "dress sweats" or "fancy sweats". The other boys are jealous.  Check out Jack Wills on line)

Nate: "I like Jack's"

Chris: "Annie, I just said that."

Me: "I know you can do better, and we are running out of time. I'm just going to have to go with putting the NO in Noel."

Jack: "Oh, come all you Disabled", and just have a picture of Nate and Annie."

Chris: "Then just put "Oh, come all ye Weirdos"

Annie: "Oh, come all ye Shameful?"

Nate: "Oh, come all ye Weightful"--let's put a chunky spin on things"

Annie: "What other words can we use in "O, Come all ye...?"

Jack: "Unstable"

Annie: "Playful?"

Jack: "Falafel?"

Nate: "Oh, crumb all ye Weightful?"

Me: "Half an hour left. Noel is still out in front."

Chris: "How about just "Oh come all ye faithful"

Nate: "Good one."

Pete: "Oh come all ye faithful" but then have no picture on the front...because we're not Faithful enough....or "Oh, come all ye Faith Hill?"

Jack: "Oh, come all ye Face full"

Nate: "All I want for Christmas are my two front legs"

Jack: "Oh come al ye glacial" because we are all fat as glaciers Heyo!"

Annie: "May your days be merry and bright!"  And then just have a picture of the sun. "

Chris: "Last Christmas I gave you my heart. You're Welcome"

Me: "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" and then take a picture of us from really far away, so we look really small? "

Chris: "You better watch out because the McKeons are all back in town" or "Jack is back in town, so you better not cry, you pussy".....  I just really like the song Santa Claus is coming to town."

Nate: "Chestnuts roasting on an open drier" and then have a picture of Laur doing the laundry."

Pete: "Happy Hanukkah from the X Men"... I call Wolverine."

Chris:" Dibs on magneto"

Jack: "I'll be madam Zeroni"

Nate: "I call Craze

Chris: "I'm Armpit"

Me: "STOP. We need to get this done."

Chris: "We see you when you're sleeping" then send a photo of us stalking someone."

Jack: "What child is this? " and then just have some random kid in the picture."

Me: "What about "plaid tidings"? the border on the card is plaid.

Annie: "No."

Pete: "Happy Christmas from the Movers and Shakers! shimmy shimmy bump bump"

Jack: "May your days be merry and meteorite"... Winner. Me.

Nate: "Chestnuts roasting on an open Friar" and Jack comes home from London dressed as Friar Tuck"

Me: "You better watch out is interesting. So is when you are sleeping."

Chris: "Both mine. Both great."

Annie: "Both creepy."

Me: "Tick tick.  Think harder."

Nate: "Merry Christmas. Another one down and we're all a little closer to death" 

Annie: "Nate, you are getting worse as we go on."

Chris: "I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. Christmas is all around me, and so my stomach grows"

Nate: "Cute, but too long".

Chris: "Just pick your favorite part...like "toes"

Nate: "To what should my wandering eyes appear, but Dave McKeon holding another beer!"

Chris: "Great!"

Annie: "Deck the Halls" and then we all fight (deck) each other.

Me: "Get past the fighting."

Nate: "Wreck the Halls"

Chris: "I like it!"

Me: "Roger is calling to get my greeting. Step it up. Step it up. I can only hold him off for another 15 minutes or so."

Annie: "Mom, you could have given us more than 2 hours to get the creative juices flowing."

Nate: "Joyful, joyful, we abhor thee"

Annie:"I still like Christmas jeer."

Me: "Hey, this is a real time situation.  No abhor, no Hennessey, I'm leaning toward hanging the children by the chimney.  Good luck hanging on those stocking hooks for the picture. "

Nate: "Hey, I love it. That one was mine I believe.  Fifty for me."

Annie: "No, it's awful. It seems really morbid..and kind of offensive"

Me:" I guess you are right.  I was thinking of the line from the Drunk History version of "The Night Before Christmas" , but I bet most the people getting our cards don't watch Drunk History.  Please keep thinking or we're going with Plaid tidings."

Jack: "We are way better than Plaid tidings...no offense, Mom"

Chris: "I'm with Annie. Let's not hang anyone."

Nate: "It came upon a midnight beer"

Me: "Stop with all the drinking ones. We have enough issues.  Ok, then we're going with putting the No in Noel."

Chris: "What about you better watch out? That's a good one."

Nate: "We can still do the stocking one, just not with the picture....again, I could really use that fifty dollars."

Chris: "Nate, enough."

Jack: "No hanging. "

Nate: "I need this. Please like me...Please like me."

Jack: "Oh, come all ye shameful" Come on! that's great!

Nate: "I really feel like we can do better than the No El."

Me: "Then do it.  I don't like shameful. and we only have ten more minutes. "

Chris: "You better watch out, because I'll beat your ass" and then we have a picture of Pete looking mean."

Me: "Plaid tidings of great joy". and I keep my fifty.'

Nate: "Bingage'

Pete: "I think we all want to know why Roger's schedule is so tight. We need more time. "

Me: "We don't have any more time .  Deal with it."

Nate: "The children lie Yahweh in their beds" I'm really forcing Yahweh here."

Annie: "Yeah, and I'm not sure why."

Jack: "We really need to be funnier than plaid tidings of great joy."

Nate: "Yahweh is comedy gold just waiting to be discovered."

Annie: "I wish we were Jewish so we could use "Jubilee"

Me: "Jubilee is nice, but it's too late to change religions.  And Pete, Roger calls the shots when it comes to the Christmas card.  Plaid tidings is out in front right now."

Annie: "Putting the Laur in Gloria?"  grasping at straws here...

Jack: "I wash my hands of plaid tidings."

Annie: "I don't even know what plaid tidings means."

Nate: "Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled....Yeah, right".

Annie: "Glad tidings? is that where that comes from? Do we all have to wear plaid? Because we've done that in many, many Christmas cards past."

Chris: "Truth."

Me: "It's from glad tidings.  It's in the Bible.  Look it up. It's when the angel comes to the shepherds.  Remember? "Fear not! I bring your glad tidings of great joy" Shit. twenty years of Catholic education and you guys know nothing.  Someone owes me a refund."

Pete: "Wipe that chagrin off your face, Annie"

Nate: "Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy: Who are these fatties? "

Me: "Times up.  Any last second suggestions? I'm just going to get Roger pick between plaid tidings and the "Putting the NO in Noel" 

TEN MINUTES LATER THE GROUP TEXT CONTINUES:

Annie: "What did he choose?"

Me: "He hated plaid tidings. He loved the children hung by the chimney but realized it may be offensive, so we are going with "Putting the NO in Noel"

Nate:"I say it's a good pick. Bravo, Roger."

Annie: "So what's the full saying on the card going to be? Also, I believe I suggested the Noel one--eh, eh."

Jack: "I knew plaid tidings would crash and burn..."

Nate: "Hahaha.  Jack=prophet.   or king.  You decide."

Pete: (no words--just sends an emoji of a black, angry moon) ??!

Me: "The card will say on the inside: Putting the NO in NOEL for almost 25 years. Merry Christmas. Laurie and Dave McKeon and then all of your names."

Annie: "What are you thinking in terms of the picture?"

Me: "No idea."

Pete: "Can we just take it at Honada? In front of the grill? With Michael the chef?"

Me: What??

And this is how all important decisions are made.....I do love a great group text. While this nice and happy photo was on the front of our Christmas card: (sans Michael from Honada)

 (Those half red half green trousers are the infamous pantaclaus pants from Bonobos--they are on sale right now, but they only have them in 29 and 30 inch waists.  All you skinny guys, go pick them up.  They have a short window to wear them, but well worth it...)

 This little beauty hit you when you opened up the card, which did indeed have the "Putting the NO in NOEL" line as determined so effectively and efficiently above.

 Thanks to the fine, fine camera work of Jack Burke, we took both of these photos in less than an hour and the rest is Christmas card history.
And here are a few outtakes from the post card photo shoot: And yes, Nate is got it going on...again.

Stay warm! And keep reading. I will try much harder to write more often.  I mean it.

TODAY'S TOP TEN: (I have so many stored up...but here are the favorites right now)

1. Harry Potter voice over.  For some reason this makes me laugh my ass off.  There are several of them, and the Christmas one is the best, but here is the link to the Quidditch match one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUySlEyrIRI   "The game is tied at Chapter 20.."

2. The Black watch plaid sport coat at J.C. Penneys.  ok, this is the longest link ever, but it's worth it :

http://www.jcpenney.com/men/sale/stafford-black-watch-plaid-wool-sport-coat/prod.jump?ppId=pp5003230903&catId=cat100250022&deptId=dept20000014&N=1002280003&extDim=true&topDim=Categories&topDimvalue=sport+coats&dimCombo=Categories%7C&dimComboVal=sport+coats%7C&currentDim=Categories&currentDimVal=sport+coats&colorizedImg=DP0916201317052198M.tif

I have to admit, I've never bought anything from Penney's before (it's just not in my loop.  I buy from Target all the time, so get off my back) but this sport coat is amazing and is on sale for $90.  It's fully lined and a total steal.  Every McKeon man got one for Christmas, because your wardrobe is not compete without a black watch plaid sport coat. Generally a good plaid sport coat will set you back hundreds of dollars.  Don't miss out on this. And I think there may be an on line coupon. YW.

3. Haven Kimmel--she is a great, funny, poignant author who wrote the book A Girl named Zippy  and her latest book She Got Up off the Couch  is even better.

4. Group Texts--see above

5. The Invincible Socks from Orvis.  These are the only things getting me through these cold, cold days.

6. The Jack Wills Sale at   http://www.jackwills.com/en-us/ladies/sale   There are some incredible deals.  The holiday plaid dress (which runs very small) is a crazy, great buy at $34!

7. House of Cards--see above. I know he's a murderer, but I still love Frank Underwood.

8. Say Something I'm Giving Up on You. This video has been stuck in my  head for months now.  I just love it. I could watch it for hours.  And I do. Just ask Kim Westphal.

9. Doses and Mimosas.  It's an awful song (thanks, Kevin Moyer), I'm not going to  lie.  I will not link the video, but I crank it up in my car WAY too much. The lyrics are full of profanity, the message is not good, but for some reason, I kind of, really love it.  Ask my kids, I have a weird appreciation for some terrible rap songs.  Hence, the Dear Mama serenade from my boys at the Mother/Son Banquet--because they know that I secretly love a few rap songs, especially anything about a Mama--which doses and mimosas has nothing to do with.  I'm hoping I get over it, but I doubt it.  Here is that video instead:

10. JUDY PULERA!!! It is Judy's Happy, happy Birthday and she makes it all look so easy.  She is the poster child for "Age is just a number".  Judy, Oprah is lucky to share this day with you!! Have a day that is as special as you are.