Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Happy fat ass Birthday to me

Hey, hey, hey. I hope you all like the new look. I must say, looking at the photo up top, the shids are alright....(I've been dying to say that for like a month now) Chris put in a few hours over break and slicked it up a bit. We still have a way to go, but I must admit, I am rather fond of the ticker that counts the total number of page views, because IT IS OVER 3000. 3000 is way more than 2000 (by like 1000) and that seems pretty damn impressive to me. I will admit, we are no where near Mark the Shark territory, but hey,  now that we have the public ticker, maybe we will all feel some communal responsibility for making it move. There is nothing wrong with hitting this blog one, two, ten or twenty times in a day. Just to see the ticker move...

I wasn't going to mention anything but today is my birthday ( it really is, I'm not just saying it)....and while there is no need to send gifts, greetings or even acknowledge this special day, there is one thing you can all do for me to make my birthday so very memorable...Just hit the shit out of this blog. Seriously, bang on it all day long, several times a day and let's see just how high that ticker can go. Get your friends and  co-workers to log in, make your kids hit it as part of their community service requirement for school. If you have to, use it as a punishment. ("Hey, you didn't make your bed today...you get on Mrs. McKeon's blog, right now, young man and make that ticker move"), I really don't think it's too much to ask. I've been holding up my end of the blogosphere. So please, just for today, on this, my happy, happy Birthday, I just want to see the ticker move...A LOT! I thank you in advance for your cooperation. (And if this blog gets posted rather late in the day, just keep hitting on it well into tomorrow....it's the thought that counts).

Sorry about Saturday's little tirade...It is just so painful to watch Notre Dame suck it up on the football field. Don't worry, I am over it. I am not going to punch Mark May in the head...(this week).... and I have resigned myself to another 6 and 6 season. On a positive note, tickets and parking passes are plentiful. And, there is no team so bad that a high octane tailgate can't make better. And high octane tailgates seem to be our specialty. On to the Tulsa game....

Today's topic: Me being a fat ass. Christmas is just two months off and I am starting to worry (not about shopping. Remember, my shids are big and Santa brings cash and gift cards for everyone except Posey--all I have to worry about is what gift can I give my mother-in-law that she will hate even more than last year's gift. It's a challenge, but I seem to be able to top myself, year after year....). I just read somewhere that the average person gains five pounds over the holidays.  Couple that with the very disturbing statistic that people over forty gain an average of 2 pounds a year and never take it off. We all know that I am WAY above average, and slightly over forty, so basically, I am destined to be a total fat ass....Actually, I have indeed become, a total fat ass. This is not new news to me....I've been feeling it coming on for a few years now, and have somehow reached a state of maximum density and critical mass that is making even me uncomfortable. And here is the worry... Before the holiday season hits, before all of my pants get too tight to wear, I need to make a preemptive strike, bite the bullet and go on a diet.

Now, let me give you a little history. I am not a good dieter.  AT ALL. Furthermore, I am not a great eater. As a matter of fact, I am probably the world's crappiest eater. Allow me to illuminate my dietary lifestyle through some actual quotes by people who know me:
  • "Laurie is like a new born baby...she has to eat every two hours or she starts to cry"--Dave McKeon
  • "One day, you are going to wake up and weigh three hundred pounds"--my mom, after I ate an entire one pound box of Fannie May chocolate covered caramels in one sitting that she brought to me when we lived in Ohio. They are the best caramels.
  • "You eat like a four year old"--my mother in law
  • "Your mother-in-law is right, you really do eat like a four year old"--Kerri Gapinski, after seeing me root through her office looking for candy
  • " I have never seen a food journal like this before. I can't believe you can live on this shit"--Shane Frazier, boot camp guru. When I very first started boot camp, we were supposed to do a food log. My food log always had stuff on it like: 120 swedish fish, 3 big kit kat bars, a whopper junior with cheese...etc.
  • "I have never seen a woman eat so much food in my life"--Dr. Tom Ambro
  • "Somebody better order some food or Laurie's going to get really cranky--and you know she's going to want dessert"--Wendy Nickels
  • "OK. let me get this straight, you want one of every dessert on the room service menu? Coming right up, Mrs, McKeon"--the room service waiter at the Ritz in Chicago--this is a true story
  • "Once, when I got up to go to the bathroom, Laurie ate the rest of my dinner"--Nancy Joyce. This is also a true story. We were at our country club in Mansfield at some golf banquet thing and I was really hungry. I did ask her if she was going to finish the rest of her steak before I ate it...
  • "The only person in the history of the Mansfield Art Center Holiday Fair who ever asked for seconds was Laurie McKeon"--Judy Bemiller, Holiday Fair Chairperson, 1995
  • "The only person to ever ask for a second steak at the University Club Steak Dinner was Laurie McKeon" --Eric Snyder, University Club President 
  • "Do not leave your Halloween candy out where my mom can see it, or she will eat all of your candy, except the black licorice"--Posey McKeon
  • "There is not enough candy in this house. Can you stop on your way home from work and buy a couple of big Caramellos?"--Laurie McKeon to the ever patient candy enabler, Dave McKeon
So, it is true. I eat a lot and I eat an enormous amount of crap. I eat candy EVERY single day, I love red meat, I love eggs, bacon, a good cheeseburger, all types of candy (except black licorice) and any dessert that is not made from vegetables (do not try to pass off pumpkin, spice or zucchini  cake as dessert,-- it is not, unless it has chocolate chips and is covered in frosting) I eat a lot of sugar, and I was not exaggerating when I said a few posts ago that I ate nine red velvet cupcakes in 24 hours. I really did. And that is not really abnormal for me. On Sunday, I ate three Hesheys Bars with almond (regular sized,  not the tiny ones,) left over cookie dough, popcorn with butter, a cheeseburger from the Spot, some pastene soup (this was the only decent thing I ate all day) and three pieces of dairy queen cake. And probably a bunch more junk, but this is what I can remember.

The point that I am trying to make is that I am unaccustomed to limiting my food intake. I am a bad dieter and until the past few years, was by and large, able to keep my fat ass in check by running on a regular basis. I gained the freshman ten just like everyone else in college, but once I started running, it went away. I gained weight during each pregnancy, but then trained and ran a marathon after each kid. I could pretty  much lose the baby weight and still each a bunch of crap, which seemed to be a manageable plan that worked well for a slacker like me. However, a few years ago, when I noticed my jeans were sticking to me in unflattering places, I started to up my running mileage. (and I bought some new jeans). But, it didn't work...I remained a burgeoning fat ass....shiiitttt....So, then I tried a few diety type things.
  •  I started boot attending camp, and thought that having to keep a food log may shame me into curbing my caloric intake. It didn't. I love the work out, but still eat like a four year old...shiiittt
  • I ordered three months worth of Nutrisystem meals to be delivered to my house. They tasted like ass and I only lasted one day. Dave McKeon ate the rest of them because they were already paid for (I wanted to donate them to the Shalom Center, but really couldn't do that to the homeless people.) Dave lost 20 pounds...I did not...shiiitttt...
  • I read that South Beach diet book-- But knew that even if I ate a steak every day, I could not be tricked into thinking that ricotta cheese and splenda was a dessert.....I'm fat, not stupid
  • I entered the Biggest Loser competition at Kenosha Body Boot Camp and was the only contestant to actually gain weight...I guess I eat under pressure...shiitt
  • I logged into Weight Watcher's on line and tried that point system thing on line....WAY too much work
  • I solicited diet advice from family and friends and heard things like: "Drink more water," " Only eat soup", "You need to do a cleanse" "If you just drink coffee the pounds fly off" and my personal favorite, from my sister Wendy: "Jesus, just stop eating like a pig..."
So, here is the bottom line. As of today, my Happy, Happy, Birthday, I am going on my version of a diet. It won't be pretty, and it probably won't be healthy, but it can't be any unhealthier than the way I've been eating for most of my adult life.  My goal is to lose ten pounds by Christmas.  I think that is possible. I've thought a lot about this and I'm seriously going to give it a shot...Here's where you all come in: I am hoping that by making this VERY public proclamation, I will somehow overcome my dieting deficiencies and actually drop some damn weight. It would be great if a few of you chose to join me in my quest--like a support group or something. Let's ALL try to lose ten pounds by Christmas. Better yet, let's all try to lose ten pounds by the week BEFORE Christmas, so that we can eat back five pounds and still be a net five.  I like this plan, and am happy to be a part of it. No pressure though. If you do not want to join in this Fit Club, and I really can't blame you,  possibly you could send encouraging words, tips, pointers or strategies. And hey, for all of you haters out there, or those of you just looking for some fun and entertainment, feel free to try and sabotage my efforts by sending some tasty treats and candy my way. Either way...I win (Laurie McKeon--always thinking....)


After some deliberation, Here is my plan: When I post, I will give you a poundage lost report--nothing big, no drama, no ticker, just a little update and any other relevant dieting news.... I promise I will be honest...I may be a crap eater, but I'm no liar...so, if I never drop a pound...I will totally confess...Hey, I already confessed that I am afraid of raccoons, It's hardly like I'm holding back here..OK, may be I am holding back a little..., of course I am not going to tell you what I weigh, but I will regularly tell you what I lost. That's all I will focus on....dropping the pounds. My strategy will be pretty old school: calories in less than calories out...no points, no cleanses, no weirdo food,  no books, maybe some soup. That's pretty much it. Along with those sage words of wisdom to "just stop eating like a pig"...I think that could do the trick. I'll keep you posted...(get it, posted...by posting on my  blog....shit, the hunger is already getting to me.....)And for all of you young men who don't give one hot rat's ass about my 10 pound battle...Don't stop reading...I am updating the p*ssy list later this week....it never ends....just ask Dave McKeon....and here's a sneak preview...Jay Cutler tops the list....

Today's Happy Birthday Top Ten:
  1. Becky Miller--the first one to wish me a Happy Birthday today
  2. The North Face half zip polar fleece from Nordstroms--comes in many colors, keeps a girl warm
  3. Uncle Dan's in Highland Park--great selection of outwear
  4. The boy and girl dancing wind up toys from Uncle Dan's.  They can totally bust a move and make me laugh for hours. They are awesome, you really have to see them. Ask Kim Westphal
  5. Central Cafe in Highland Park--the very best fries EVER. They are owned by the same people who  own Carlos' in Highwood, but it's way more casual. Great lunch menu (Obviously,they will not be seeing my fat ass until AFTER the  holidays)
  6. The green and white Dartmouth stocking cap that Nate and Jack were fighting over...it's super old school, because it's super old...it was Dave's when he was at Dartmouth and is pretty sweeett...
  7. My boys' extraordinarily clean closet...That's all I wanted for my birthday, was for them to clean out their closets...11 garbage bags later...Happy Birthday to me...
  8. Judy Pulera--She always sends the best Birthday cards, including the timeless classic: "Where's the party at, Bitch"--I guess you have to see it to appreciate it.
  9. Soup--I'm going to be eating a lot of it
  10. Kristi Ambro--she knows why

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Saturday in the park..

Hope you all like the new look. We are , if nothing else, a work in progress. Chris McKeon added a little color to the blog during his fall break. I'm hoping to be able to do a little more...one step at a time, or my tiny, techno brain could quite possibly explode.

At this very moment, Notre Dame is getting its ass kicked by Navy...Navy...No disrespect to the Midshipman, but Navy?? You've got to be kidding me. I love college football, and seriously follow the game. There are some great match ups this weekend, but I must admit, it's the whole drama of season that keeps me intrigued. This has not been the pre eminent Irish football season  that I had hoped for, and frankly, it makes me a little bit angry. If ND isn't winning, I just want to see a big, bunch of chaos throughout the whole College Football scene. So, if  Notre Dame is going to lose to a service academy, (and, yes, my friends, that is exactly what happened today) here are some other college football scenarios I'd like to see take place this weekend:

  • Missouri to beat Oklahoma--all number ones must lose, until Boise State gets its due
  • Urban Meyer to have a nervous breakdown (I know Florida has this week off, but I'm hoping he just has the world's biggest, psycho melt down ever---I know it's going to happen, I'm just not sure when.)
  • Northwestern to whip Michigan State---will not, did not happen...
  • Mark Dantonio to have a massive coronary on the sidelines--it's nothing personal, I just think it would make for some great TV...and send a very clear message to the rest of the football world that kicking a fake field goal against Notre Dame in overtime has some serious lifetime reprecussions....so think very carefully before you decide to go cheap and low against the Irish... 
  • A sluttly looking Miami cheerleader to get dropped by her muscle bound  partner
  • The Stanford Pine Tree (seriously, that's a mascot??) get beat up by its own stupid, smug full of itself Stanford band
  • Brutus Buckeye get his ass kicked by Purdue Pete. I know that Ohio State will beat Purdue, but a steel cage mascot beat down between these two? TV viewing that I would not miss.
  • Iowa to lose to Wisconsin--I am NOT a Badger fan, but I swear, I am so goddamn sick of hearing how great Iowa is --they fade EVERY single season,--and how great Kirk Ferentz is--he gets mentioned in every single coaching conversation, and yet, Iowa is never really a factor in the BCS picture, let alone the national title game. I want to like Iowa, it seems like the American thing to do, but man, they disappoint every year. Let's just end all conversations involving Iowa this weekend, by having the Badgers put them in their place.
  • Any referee to get knocked on his ass--admit it, it makes you laugh, too.
  • That goddamn Randy Cross to get laryngitus. Seriously, I wish I could get paid for stating the obvious like he does...just so irritating
  • Joe Paterno to start swearing up a storm in a post game press conference
  • Kirk Herbstreit to just shut the fuck up
  • Lee Corso to stop being such a big shidiot...enugh with the schtick. You're better than that
  • Lou Holtz to get cannonized...it will happen, it's just a matter of when
  • Lou Holtz to take a big old sucker punch at Mark May, preferably to the side of his head,  because if he doesn't, I'm going to...I cannot stand that USC, Pete Carrol loving, totally biased announcer...have a little respect, Marky Mark...you are not worthy of sitting on the same studio set as St. Lou
  • Tate Forcier spending this off week teaching  Denard Robinson how to tie his shoes... pay attention, little brother, you are fast, but you are not invincible. Rich Rod may need to rethink his schemes...
  • Iowa State to beat Texas--I hate all Florida and Texas teams just on sheer principal...you should be a perrenial title contender if you live in a state that allows for year round outdoor high school football and you are not a total suck recruiter...Florida and Texas have been so hyped the last few years, that I just want to see them spiral into a free fall that never ends ( which, of course, will bring on the much anticipated Urban Meyer melt down...that will teach him to turn his nose up at the ND football. coaching job...time may move on, but I will never forget...)
  • Les Miles to lose in the last ten seconds to Auburn by bitching up the clock...again
  • Les Miles to get lynched by some crazy LSU fan for losing the game...you know it could really happen, those cajuns are nuts...look at J'Marcus Russel (cough syrup drinking fool...)
  • Cam Newton to have a good game, but not a great game...no Heisman for him...
  • Nebraska to spank Oklahoma State.  I want Nebraska to be great UNTIL they get to the Big Ten (yeah, we all know it should be the Big Twelve, but everyone is afraid that if they change the name, Mark Dantonio will have a heart attack...) Then, I want Nebraska to get beat up by EVERYONE, including Indiana...it could happen...won't, but it could
  • Another Boise State player to propose to a cheerleader...WAY better than any goddamn rose ceremony on The Bachelor.
  • TCU to stay atop the Texas college football world.  Hook 'em, horns, my ass...
  • Oregon to wear the same uniform two weeks in a row...blah, blah, blah, Phil Knight...we all know you are rich and love Oregon, but their constant wardrobe changes make them look like a bunch of p*ssies
  • Somebody to give a shit who wins between  Illinois and Indiana
  • Kellen Moore to have a monster game on Tuesday night against Louisiana Tech. I want him to win the Heisman. Again, let's shake this whole big conference football thing upside down...then, I want him to propose to a cheerleader, or a cameraman, or someone...
  • USC to lose all of its remaining games and get "outed" as the biggest, cheatingest program in the nation. Really? Reggie Busch was the only guy on the take???
  • Nick Saban's Crimson Tide to lose to Tennessee (this will not happen, but I so want him out of the Bowl picture) because he is a self righteous, lying shid....yeah, he's a great coach, but something about him chaps me. I hate Steve Spurrier, too, (ex-Florida coach and player), but I give him some props for beating the hated Nick "I'm never leaving LSU" Saban. Remember, all number ones must lose.
  • Lou Holtz to lay his holy hands on Kyle Rudolph's mangled hamstring and heal him...
  • Rutgers to beat Pitt today and Eric Legrand to regain his health.  All attitude and sass aside, please keep this kid in your prayers.
College football Saturdays are the best, tons of action, always a story, and every week is anyone's game--just ask Navy.

This Week's Top Ten---Top Ten College Football Teams I hate the most today: (no, I'm not angry...)
  1. Navy--duhhhh.  Beating Notre Dame 3 of the last 4 years??? Don't you midshipman have a war or a dictator to overthrow somewhere? (That Dobbs kid is scary good--get him off the football field and tell him to go find Bin Laden) 
  2. USC --OJ Simpson, the Bush push, Pete Carroll and now, Lane Kiffin??? Quite the track record
  3. Miami-- What the hell is that "The U" all about?? Like Miami is some sort of one letter school now???Get waaaay over yourselves.  Besides, I will ALWAYS hate Jimmy Johnson and the "U" for running up the score against Gerry Faust in 1985. The original convict team...and always will be
  4. Colorado--another big bunch of punks...Remember Gary Barnett and that girl kicker? yikes. Interesting aside:  While he was the coach at Colorado, Bill McCartney's daughter had a secret love affair with Colorado quarterback Sal Aunese and had a baby who was the back up quarterback at LSU. This is the sort of sports story that I live for...
  5. Florida--The Gator chomp has no teeth now that Tim Tebow is gone. Sorry, Urban Meyer. Is your heart palpitating yet??? It should be.
  6. Texas---no explanation needed, everybody hates Texas, it's not just me
  7. Boston College--has not yet gotten the news that there is only ONE premier Catholic College football team in the land and it sure ain't BC.  OK, I'll give you Doug Flutie, but that's it. Annie actually considered attending Boston College. I told her in all seriousness that she was more than welcome to go to BC, but there was no way in hell I was ever going to write a check to them, so she'd better be prepared to pay her tuition herself.
  8. Ohio State--all that dotting the "i" bullshit...it just gets under my skin. Home of Maurice Clarrett
  9. Michigan--it takes some effort to really work up the hatred during the Rich Rod era, but my memory is long.  
  10. Any team playing against Notre Dame....sure, the Irish are struggling, but they will always be my team.

I Promise to post again soon once I'm not so steamed about the ND loss..., I have some big plans for next week, Let me know what you think about the new look. That ticker is pretty slick...now, that it exists, let's see what we can all do to get it to the next level.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Birth Order

Bloggity, blog, blog, blog.  Last Wednesday was Annie McKeon's 21st Birthday!!! Which is totally amazing to me, given that I recently just turned 39...ish. Because Annie is my favorite--(well, definitely in the top three...just deal with it, Chris. Maybe if you bring home a 4.0, you can move up in the power rankings, but Jack "Scary Mohawk" McKeon is stealthily climbing up the ranks. Nate, are you hearing footsteps???...Pete, just please continue to go to school and we will all be happy...) I pulled Posey (a perennial top three) out of school, drove to Notre Dame and surprised Annie with a late birthday lunch. I actually bought her her first legal drink (a pomegranate martini, let's just start her off right). Her brother Chris was along for his usual burger and fries, and a good time was had by all. In typical Annie McKeon fashion, she spent a significant portion of our lunch studying for a 3:00 quiz. She was also planning on having a quick Birthday dinner with her friends and then completing a paper she had due on Friday. She was pacing her birthday partying to culminate with our big rocking tailgate on Saturday. Or maybe she was just telling me that, so we continue to fund her college education. Either way, it is working...because of course, she is a first born.

The other day, I was talking to Sr. Virginia, an 80+ year old, old-school nun who taught English at St. Joseph High School for like 50 years. Sr. Virginia was asking about Annie who she adored, and was mocking Chris, who she could barely tolerate...(shocker there), and filling me in on the very mediocre caliber of Jack's college essay.(son of shocker) During our conversation, (where my role is to reply: "Yes, Sister" to everything she says) she regaled me with this fun fact...Studies have shown that in large families, first borns have the highest IQs and then it starts to erode from there....Interesting,... and frightening, As the youngest of five, I beg to differ, (have you met my sister Amy??She is way dumber than me) but I do believe there is something valid in the whole birth order thing...Not on the part of the kid, necessarily, but on the part of the parent. The further down the line, the less energy, interest and effort you put in....Really, it's a wonder that in larger families, the younger children aren't taken away by DCFS...seriously. In the infamous words of my sister Wendy, when her youngest daughter Grace was little and doing something sort of dangerous that she would have been all over with her older three..."Really, we're just too old and worn out to raise a four year old again..."

You know you are a first born if:
  • You have a baby book
  • And somebody actually filled it out
  • You have completed shot records
  • You have a ton of baby photos
  • Someone remembers your first word--Annie's was "hi", Chris' was "golf club"(Dave McKeon played a TON of golf in those days, sporting a 4 handicap and leaving clubs all over the house). All the other kids' first word was "daddy", because it seems to make sense and could very possibly be true.
  • Someone remembers on what day of the week you were born
  • Your parents were super excited when you took your first step
  • You always had a Halloween costume
  • No one forgot your birthday
  • You had birthday parties with kids who weren't related to you
  • You had brand new school supplies
  • Your first name was written on the labels in your clothes and supplies instead of just "McKeon"
  •  You had shin guards that fit
  • You were only allowed to watch PBS
  • No one bribed you to let them sleep in
  • You had a hot breakfast
  • Your mom cried when you went to kindergarten
  • The tooth fairy came the day you lost your tooth
  • You never missed a kindermusic class
  • Both your parents went to school conferences
  • Your dad played catch with you
  • Your mom knew all the kids in your class and their parents
  • Both parents watched your music program, and they brought a video camera, with batteries...
  • A parent watched your ball games---from the stands as opposed to from the car
  • Your dad or mom coached your team
  • Your parent remembered to bring the snack
  • Your mom put little notes in the lunch she lovingly packed for you 
  • No one forgot you at school
  • Your parents were excited to attend your preschool graduation
  • Your parents actually showed up for grade school graduation (sorry, Pete)
  • Your parents brought the camera to your events...and it had batteries
  • Your mom made sure you hit all the  major developmental milestones
True Story...Pete McKeon (McKeon number five) did not walk until he was twenty months old...for those of you (like Dave McKeon) who have no idea when a baby is supposed to walk, this is like 10 months later than your average baby. If this had been Annie, I would have demanded a neurological consult, hired a physical therapist, configured a developmentally appropriate exercise plan, and lost decades worth of sleep wondering if we would have to get a special wheelchair for her high school prom. But thank God, it was Pete and I seriously couldn't have cared less. His lack of mobility made him easier to catch and corral, and frankly, given that he spent most of the day in a car seat, infant seat, crib or a headlock, it's a wonder that he ever learned to walk at all. Not only did I not demand a consult, I kept cancelling and resheduling his 15 and 18 month check ups, because I didn't want to have to admit to the pediatrician that he couldn't walk. I was afraid the doctor would make me take him to a specialist to get him checked out. I figured that if he wasn't walking by kindergarten, I'd look into it.
  • You got piano lessons--and someone made you practice
  • Your parents actually played that goddamn Suzuki tape
  • You got dance lessons
  • You got balanced meals
  • You took complete naps
  • Your babysitter was CPR certified and an ex preschool teacher
  • Your parents used a baby monitor (by the third kid, we threw ours out. Hell, if they cry loud enough, you will eventually hear them. And if it's not that loud, you don't need to know)
  • Your pants fit
  • You went to the doctor the first day you were sick
  • Your mittens matched your hat
  • You owned rain boots AND snow boots
  • You had snow pants that weren't black
  • Your mom put thought into your teacher's Christmas gifts
  • Your mom baked for bake sales (rather than just sending in money, to cover what profit the baked goods would have yielded--a little trick I learned from MY mom)
  • You had a complete set of golf clubs (Nate is still playing with clubs from an old set of mine and some random clubs from Dave's mom)
  • You took swimming lessons during the winter
  • Your mom or dad taught you how to ride a bike 
  • You owned more than one bike during your child hood and it had all the necessary pieces
  • You owned a musical instrument
  • You got a set of team or school photos other than the cheapest package
  • You didn't see a PG-13 movie until you were actually 13
  • Your parents always called the parents of the kid whose house you were going to
  • You went on college visits
  • You got a car with seat belts and air bags
  • Your mom drove five hours to buy you your first legal drink
You know you are at the end of the line (unless you are Posey McKeon) if:
  • The only photographic evidence that proves your childhood existence is in Christmas and school photos
  • You were put to sleep on your stomach
  • You learned to cry yourself to sleep
  • You always shared a bath tub
  • You always shared a room
  • Your bottles were never sterilized
  • You sucked your thumb, fingers, a pacifier and your parents were glad
  • Your car seat was in an accident and no one replaced it
  • Your stroller was full of cracker crumbs
  • Santa stopped wrapping the big gifts
  • Santa stopped bringing anything that required batteries or assembly
  • Santa started leaving cash and gift cards
  • You were allowed to touch knives
  • You ate candy before you had teeth
  • You had to share a twenty piece chicken nugget pack with your brother, because it was cheaper than individual Happy Meals
  • When the goats at the zoo attacked your stroller, your parents were laughing so hard they didn't stop them from licking your face and eating your ice cream cone.  Your dad actually took photos.
  • Your big sister walked you into your first day of school
  • Your parents blew off your high school graduation Mass, because they'd seen it one too many times
  • Your parents were "out of town" for soccer parents night
  • Your "best" art work never got framed
  • Your only professional photographs were your senior pictures
  • You never got to ride shot gun
  • You never had a window
  • You were always in the third seat
  • You had a used back pack
  • You never had a sleeping bag, and had to use an old comforter
  • You got a set of ear tubes on your first birthday (Sorry, Nate)
  • Your mom drank too much wine on your fourth birthday to finish making your cake (Sorry again,Nate)
  • You saw the movie Teledaga Nights when you were in preschool
  • You could quote Tommy Boy word for word when you were in kindergarten
  • You hated the Teletubbies
  • You always had to play with the old Barbie, and be the "mother-in-law" (Does this make you feel the least bit guilty, Wendy?)
  • You never got the blue toothbrush
  • You never got the prize out of the cereal box unless you were sick
  • Your parents never checked your home work
  • No one ever quizzed you on spelling words
  • If you didn't make a lot of noise, no one ever made you go to bed
  • You never had a tree house
  • Your basketball hoop didn't have a net
  • Your swing set was no long anchored in the ground
  • Your bike had a flat tire for most of your childhood
  • You had to use a left handed mitt, because your older brother is a lefty
  • You never had a new winter coat
  • Your mittens never matched your coat, or each other
  • You never had a new gym uniform
  • You were late for First Communion
  • Your birthday was on July 3rd and your parents convinced you for years that the fireworks and party at the Country Club the next day were for your birthday (Sorry, Pete)
  • You never got a new suit
  • Your school pants were high waters by February, and no one cared
  • Your Godparents were drunken heathens, but they lived in town, were around that day and were willing to put on some dress clothes, 
  • You had to share a birthday cake with your cousin
  • Your parents forgot you at practice
  • You missed your fifth grade check up
  • You wrote your own Parent letter for the Confirmation retreat
  • You always wore used loafers (this is why Nate hates new shoes, he's so used to worn in ones)
  • You  had an eighty year old baby sitter who smoked, but was always available on Saturday nights
  • You packed your own lunch
  • You had to pack your siblings lunches, too
  • You know how to forge your mom's name, and she lets you (C'mon, who's got time to sign all of those syllabuses and class rules?)
  • You were always the catcher
  • Your mom paid you $20 to teach your self how to ride a bike and doubled it, if you learned in a day
  • Your lost tooth stayed under your pillow for weeks, and when the tooth fairy finally showed up she paid you in quarters and IOUs.
  • You could make Ramen Noodles in first grade
  • You started sewing on your own buttons in third grade (Jack)
  • You started charging your siblings to sew on theirs in fourth grade
  • You spent several Halloweens dressed as a Hobo or a housewife
  • Your big brother taught you to pitch
  • Your big brother taught you how to do a lay up
  • Your big brother taught you how to drive
  • Your big sister explained the facts of life
  • When you cut your leg in summer gym, you drove yourself to the hospital to get stitches
  • You broke your nose, but never bothered to tell your parents because you knew they would just tell you to suck it up
  • Your car door was held shut by a big, plastic candy cane
  • You drove yourself to your college interviews
  • You drove yourself to Louisville for a basketball tournament
  • You drove yourself and three of your brothers to a tennis tournament in Indianapolis
  • And stayed by yourselves in a hotel for three days
  • You filled out your own emergency paper work for school
  • You stopped asking for a dog
  • Your mom was never your room mother
  • Your mom can't remember the names of any of your friends
  • Your mom doesn't care if you have any friends
  • Your parents never bought you anything, let alone your first legal drink
Happy 21st Birthday, Annie.  You get all the good stuff. Don't rub it in.

Today's Top Ten:
  1. Billy "the Car Topper" and Rodney "The Urban Cowboy" , the two drunken Australian who came and stayed at our mega tailgate. (thanks, Kyle Fitzpatrick for bringing a little fun from down under to the show)
  2. Mike Johnson's parents--brought some tailgate fun all the way from Maine and were not the least bit intimidated by the masses of humanity clogging Joyce parking lot in the name of the McKeon tailgate
  3. Wendy Nickels, who didn't seem to mind when crazy, Aussie Billy was standing on the top of their minivan trying to take a picture of the Nickels' ND flag--thanks for the Birthday balloons, too bad they blew away before the birthday girl could see them
  4. The preferred gold seats in the ND stadium--row three?? it was crazy cool
  5. Long Island Iced Teas--the Official Drink of the Nickels/McKeon tailgates
  6. Tortellini and sausage soup--great for crowds and according to Dave McKeon "fucking delicious"
  7. Kimmie Westphal--turned 21 AND has the stigmata to prove it
  8. The sterling silver Tiffany signet ring--an ageless, timeless, classic
  9. Jane McTernan--Happy 35th Birthday to you
  10. Chipotle--burritos in a box.  BIG tailgate favorite, they opened early to feed our drunken crowd..you're welcome.
I'd like to mention a very fine man who died last week--Larry Siegfried, former Ohio State basketball player, former Celtic, winner of five NBA titles and the husband of our favorite preschool teacher, Tina Siegfried. When Chris was applying to Princeton, one of the questions asked was "what is your most prized possession?" Chris replied with no hesitation "My  Larry Siegfried autographed basketball". OK, it didn't get him into Princeton, but Larry Siegfried was a total class act, with a crazy work ethic and a broad influence on many, many people. Please keep Larry, Tina and their girls in your prayers.  They will certainly be in ours.



The big shids are home this week on Fall Break, busting my chops and begging for food and courderoys... I'll post soon.  Keep the faith, keeping hitting the blog---almost 2500 hits and counting.. ..

"

Monday, October 11, 2010

Retread...a vintage column worth rereading...

Here is another update to the world's fastest growing blog---(until someone tells me otherwise, this statement is true--believe it, spread it, and shamelessly promote it). I would like to give a holla to Tim Nickels, Emily Chiappetta and Kyle Bailey for their big finish in the Chicago Marathon!!!  It's a long and grueling race...and these three persevered. I saw a photo of Emily Chiappetta post race and it looked like she wasn't even breaking a sweat--nicely done, mees. (that is cool speak for Miss)

Hola, to Maggie Nickels and her Mexican bathroom comment...I appreciate the knowledge, and won't tell your mom about the lack of espanol hygiene.  Tell your friend "China" we all say hi, and stay away from the worms....

Now, for today's post I'm trying a little something different, just to test myself, NOT because I am too lazy to  write a new post...oh, no...this is all in the interest of literary and technological experimentation...I am attempting to insert one of my old columns from my tenure at the Kenosha News into this post. Many of my true and loyal followers probably did not get the chance to read these gems first hand, hot off the presses during my print literary hey day. And I am giving them that unique opportunity now. But, the real question is, can I pull this off???

Here goes.... Oh, my ever living God, it worked!!! Here it is, a column I wrote back in 2008 to the aspiring graduates of that year. Ok, it's not exactly timely, but it's in place...in my post.  Oh sweet Jesus, I love the voodoo magic of technology... read and enjoy. (I hope I am not violating any copyright deals held by the fine, fine Kenosha News---if I am, my apologies to Howard Brown)

IF I HAD SOME COOL GRAPHICS, THIS WOULD BE THE TIME TO INSERT THEM, ALAS, I'VE GOT NOTHING******RETRO COLUMN ALERT********RETRO COLUMN ALERT*********
(I really need to work on upping my slickness...Chris McKeon will be spending his fall break curing this flaw)
LAURIE MCKEON'S COLUMN FROM MAY OF 2008, AN INSTANT CLASSIC
As colleges across the nation hold their graduation ceremonies, many notables are giving inspirational commencement addresses.  And though I have yet to be formally (or informally for that matter) asked to speak to this year’s newly minted graduates, I, too, have some solid words of wisdom.

To the Class of 2008,
Hurray for you.  You’ve made it. You’ve climbed the mountain, written the thesis, gotten the sheepskin, and repaired all of the nail holes in your student apartment with toothpaste in the futile hopes of getting your security deposit back.  Way to go. But now, as you enter the cold, cruel world of adulthood, with its myriad responsibilities of car payments, student loans, insurance premiums, and utility bills, I’d like to give you a few words of advice.

  1. You will never be any smarter than you are today.  Trust me, never again in your natural life will you be so sure that you have all the answers and be so willing to share them with others.  Right now, today, you know it all.  And that’s great, because this is your special graduation day, but starting tomorrow…

  1. Buy a belt.  Low slung pants may be all the rage on your college campus, but in the real world, the world that has absolutely no interest in your prowess at beer pong, no one wants to see your butt cleavage, plumber’s crack, paisley boxers, back tattoo, muffin top or thong.  Pull up your pants and put on a belt.  While you’re at it, pick up some decent shoes.  Unless you are embarking on a lucrative career as a life guard, flip flops are unacceptable in the work place.  (or the White House)

  1. Along those same lines, lose the ball cap, skull cap, stocking cap, doo rag or any other funky head attire.   Believe it or not, back in the day, it was considered very poor form for a gentleman to wear a hat indoors.  While that bastion of decorum has long gone by the wayside (totally due to major league sports merchandising), it is still inappropriate to wear that Cubs cap to the office (possible exception if  you just signed a major league contract –though if it’s with the Cubs, you’ll be way  too embarrassed to wear the hat)

  1. Get a job.  I may be stating the obvious, but jobs pay money and money buys food.  The days of some campus employee in a hair net placing food on your cafeteria tray are over.  All that Easy Mac is on your tab now.  And if you ever want to be able to buy the wine that comes in a bottle, rather than a box, you’re going to need a job. 

  1. Show up every day.  Contrary to popular belief, there is no “three cut” policy in the work force.  Your employer expects you there every day, so unless you have a written note from the Center for Disease Control, or your father owns the company, go to work.   Also, FYI, there is no spring break, summer vacation, Christmas break or senior skip day.  And sorry, it’s too late to switch your major to education.

  1. Be on time.  Now that you are a full fledged adult, your mom, roommate, boyfriend or parole officer is not responsible for getting you out of bed.   Buy an alarm clock, program your phone, get a dog or work the night shift.  Nothing is more impressive to an employer than showing up every day, on time.

  1. Put in a full day’s work.  No matter how boring, tedious, repetitive or hard.  This is why they call it work.  If it was big, super fun every day, they wouldn’t have to pay you.  And sad to say, when you put in your full day’s work, no one is going to throw you a party, hand you a medal or give you a trophy.  You get a pay check. Be grateful.

  1. Listen way more than you talk.  I know, you’re a college grad and you just aced your integral logistics final, not to mention that B+ you got in statistics, but you should probably wait until the ink on your company ID dries before telling the woman who’s been running the shipping department for the last 18 years that she’s doing it all wrong.

  1. Oh, by the way, that money that is missing from your pay check is for taxes, and yes, you have to pay them.  You are now footing the bill for roads, schools, safety and the national defense, not to mention a lot of pork barrel and boondoggle. Stings a little, doesn’t it?  Welcome to the club. 

  1. Finally, say thank you.  Many, many people have sacrificed a lot to get you to this day.  Your parents, siblings, teachers and friends all have earned a stake in your future.  You’re one of the lucky ones.  You’ve made it through.  Now get out there and make us proud.
Admit it. You enjoyed this little piece of nostalgia. I know I did...

Now, for Today's Top Ten:
  1. Annie McKeon--who is turning 21 on Wednesday..I am sure she will be drinking responsibly or better yet, spending a quiet evening in the library. Of course I was planning on putting you in the top ten, Annie. You didn't have to ask...
  2. Kristi Ambro's red velvet cupcakes--I ate nine of them in a 24 hour period and didn't regret it for one hot second.
  3. A Happy Marriage--a very good book, by Rafael Yglesias--sad but beautifully written.
  4. The movie Secretariat--I haven't seen it, but I really want to...
  5. Freshman Class Homecoming Dinner--36 of the nicest dinner guests we've ever had. No spills, no tears, no drama
  6. Bright red autumn leaves
  7. The St. Joes Homecoming parade--so cheesy, it's cool
  8. The original gold Dial soap-- it appears to be the only soap that I am not allergic to
  9. Dave McKeon's Long Island Iced Teas--go down easy, make the world a happier place..5 full gallons of this liquid fun will be coming to the Notre Dame tailgate this weekend.  Happy Birthday to you, Annie McKeon
  10. Monogrammed linens
Enjoy the post...I promise to update soon.

If you are in the area of the Joyce lot on the lovely Notre Dame Campus this Saturday feel free to join us for:
The Mega Birthday Tailgate Extravaganza in honor of Annie McKeon and Kim Westphal's 21st Birthdays  (so wish I had some cool graphics to add right now)  I promise that no animals will be harmed in celebrating this special day, but  many Long Island Iced Teas will be killed. Food, fun and friends aplenty. Don't miss it. They only turn 21 once....or twice, for those of you sporting the fake ID's....


Thursday, October 7, 2010

"Mrs. McKeon, we have your son here..."

Well, well, well....Did you all notice that I put a photo in my profile section? Pretty slick, huh? It is of me and the shids because I do not know how to crop it to be just me.  We look like a total bunch of pinheads in the picture, but that's ok...we look like a total bunch of pinheads in real life.

A big bloggy thank you to followers 50-52.  Judy Pulera once again comes through. Now, my new goal is to have 2000 total hits. I'm sitting at about 1800, which is 1750 more than I ever thought I would get, so I think, with a little effort from all of us, 2000 hits is well within our reach....AND we have many (ok, a few) international hits ( I am giving the Aults credit for these)...Shalom to you, my hitter (?--is that what you call them?) from Israel. And thanks to those kind, kind followers for their comments. I cannot tell you the joy it brings me to get a comment or two...While I realize that my last post painted me as a total OCD nut job, (truth hurts), I just want to note, in a little bit of redemption,  that though I cannot sleep with a nun, I would totally eat a Caramello Bar right off of a city sidewalk (if it was mine to start with, and hadn't been sitting there for too long, and no one was watching...), so there you go.  I appreciate others owning up to their own creep out fears--Box Elder Bugs and unsightly facial hair...add them to the list.....on to today's topic...

The other day, Pete "Tinkerbelle" McKeon came home from school "sick". He does this from time to time, mostly because he hates school. And that Pete, he is a wily one...He always claims to have thrown up ("Mrs. Chiannelli, I just threw up in the bathroom. Can you call my mom to come and get me?") which , as he well knows, is the universal "Get Out of Jail" Free card, because even the bitchiest mom, (me) can't really tell the school secretary to just give him a tylenol and send him back to class ( my standard line) when throw up is involved....However, particularly in Pete's case, no one ever actually SEES this throw up....Because, I am pretty damn sure, there is no throw up.. His brother Chris, on the other hand, always provided incontrovertible, visual evidence that he was sick. Once, when I got the call and finally went to pick him up, Chris was vomiting so profusely that they actually sent him home with the garbage can, (one of those big metal school ones), a spare bag, and told us to please not bring the can back...Now that's the sort of undeniable proof I'm looking for before going to pick up an allegedly sick kid... But no, when I pull up to pick up Pete, he comes skipping out of school, not a garbage can or bag in sight...Classic Pete....nicely played, Peter Bueller...don't get too used to it....I am on to you...

However, it got me thinking...there are certain opening lines, that the minute you hear them  .."Hello, Mrs. McKeon, this is Nancy Chianelli from St. Joes and we've got Pete in the office..." you know it's not going to be good news. Below are some other conversation starters that never end well...

  • "Are you sitting down?"
  • "The check is in the mail.."
  • "Just follow these simple instructions..."
  • "It's self explanatory..."--Mike Mcternan and the RSS Feed...
  • "You can't miss it"....(oh, yes I can. I will drive right by...repeatedly)
  • "You'll see it right away"
  • "Just follow me"  --this is how Dave McKeon attempted to teach me to ski
  • "Can you do me a big favor?"
  • "Can I put you on hold for just one quick second?"
  • "Laurie, this is Ted from Johnson Bank...."
  • " Do you drive a gray Denali? Was is parked on the street?"
  • "What do you use to get blood out of clothes?"
  • "Where is the Mr. Clean?"
  • "Do we own another hose?"
  • "Do you have a spare key to the van?"
  • "Are poinsettias really poisonous?"
  • "How many of these am I supposed to take?"
  • "To hear this message in English, press one."
  • "Your father wants to speak to you..."
  • "Did you put that check in the mail?"
  • "How much did you like that vase from Grandma?"
  • "Have you seen my cell phone?"
  • "Mom, where is that ski-mask?"
  • "I'm holding it for a friend"
  • "Mrs. McKeon, we have your son here..."
  • "Laurie, this is Principal Ed Kovochich from St. Joes..."
  • "Can I see your license and registration?"
  • "What do you mean there's no Santa Claus?"
  • "You don't know how to  get on Power School yet, do you?"
  • "Mom, he's lying..."
  • "Do you know how fast you were going?"
  • "Is dad out of town?"
  • "How long does it take to replace a windshield? just hypothetically..."
  • "Is dad still out of town?"
  • "Please don't tell dad.."
  • "I forgot to tell you..."
  • "What beer can?..."
  • "Is that the last donut?"
  • "Don't take this the wrong way, but..."
  • "No offense, but..."
  • "God rest her soul..."
  • "What takes scratches off of a car door?"
  • "Did dad ever use that Nike putter?"
  • "How permanent are permanent markers?"
  • "Where's the crazy glue?"
  • "Do you remember that night last month? When I had that third margarita?...
  • "Is the plus sign supposed to be blue?..."
  • "Do you have that on backward?"
  • "Have you seen Pete?"
  • "What time were we supposed to pick up Nate?"
  • "Is Posey in your car?"
  • "Is this your son?"
  • "Is this your dog?"
  • "This is going to cost you..."
  • "You have insurance don't you?"
  • "You didn't buy the warranty?"
  • "Don't open the back of my car.."
  • "It wasn't my fault..."
  • "The teacher hates me.."
  • "The counselor wants to talk to you..."
  • "How many points can you get before they suspend your license?"
  • "Will you accept a collect call from the Kenosha County Correctional Center?"
  • "The VISA Bill came today...
  • "Can you explain something to me?"
  • "It's not about the money..."
  • "What the hell were you thinking?"
  • "Just step up on the scale"
  • "This will only take a minute.."
  • "Do you floss regularly?"
  • "Please hold, the doctor wants to speak with you..."
  • "When was your last check up?"
  • "I heard something pop in my back..."
  • "We don't take a VISA..."
  • "You didn't hit save?"
  • "You have a back up drive, right?"
  • "This is Time Warner Cable..."
  • "This is a reverse alert from the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department"
  • "Did you lock the front door?"
  • "All operator's are busy"
  • "Are you sure you had an appointment today?"
  • "Your financial planner is on CNN...with a coat over his head"
  • "You may not remember me..."
  • "Is that your grandson?"
  • "What year did you graduate?"
  • "Do you remember that Enron stock we bought?"
  • "This flight is over booked"
  • "And this entire photo album is our trip to Nebraska..."
  • "What happened to your first wife?"
  • "Are all of these kids yours?"
and so on....now, Today's Top Ten:
  1. The pinwhale courderoy wrap dress from Bella Bliss that I bought Posey
  2. POSH--great and funky store on State Street in Chicago. They also have a good website
  3. Tim Nickels---manning up and running the Chicago Marathon this weekend for like the 100th time AND it's his birthday.  Happy Birthday, go run 26 miles--enjoy that, sucka...
  4. Emily Chiappetta--running  it for the First Time...god speed
  5. Kyle Bailey--Emily's boyfriend who became her marathon training partner when her first partner went down.. .Way to make all the other boyfriends look bad.
  6. Snyder's big sour dough pretzels
  7. Aunt Dorothy Wasalevich--she knows why
  8. J. Crew Cashmere long sleeved t-shirts--a wardrobe staple
  9. Big, letter blocks from Garnet Hill
  10. Brilliance Cleaning --hands down the best cleaning service around. Dorota and her Polish crew come in, clean like whirlwinds, leave quietly and best of all, they don't speak English...In the words of Maggie Nickels: "Poland must be the cleanest country in the world..."

Have a great weekend, don't forget to comment, and remember 2000 hits or bust.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Are you Freaking Kidding me??

We are so close...49 followers, so, so close to the half century mark. 50 followers sounds like a lot...I'm counting on you to find me that last follower....Thanks for reading the novel that was my last post. I promise this one will be MUCH shorter.

But I've just got to say...Did you hear that SNOOKIE got a book deal? SNOOKIE? Are you f'ing kidding me? I am totally certain she's never even READ a book, and now she's going to write one? Talk about rubbing salt into my raw, raw wounds.  I guess she's writing a novel called "A Shore Thing" and unless Snookie is getting a brain transplant, it will be the single most ghost written book in the history of the printed word...Christ Almighty, Snookie??? You  know she is just crawling with nastiness, inside and out...She makes me queasy, just looking at her (along with Madonna, Mickey Rourke and sorry, Katie Casper, I know you love him, but also stinky old Johnny Depp who looks like he needs a good antiseptic flea dip)

Thus, today's topic: Things that make me queasy, creeped out, nauseous, repulsed or just a little freaked, nervous or scared... For those of you who know me well, this list is truly endless. I have many germophobic tendencies and even more weirdo quirks. Laugh all you want, but you know you do too. You just won't admit it. Please do not confuse this with the very long list of things that piss me off....we will save that masterpiece for another day..So, here it goes. Things that creep me out:
  • Poor dental hygeine
  • Poor personal hygeine
  • Clammy hands
  • Jehovah's Witness--they come to my door with those cheap suits on trying to save me, it's just so creepy..and way too late for me to "have a personal relationship with our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ". I tell them that I am Catholic and am totally comfortable with the semi distant guilt ridden truce that God and I have seemed to negotiate....
  • That nun on EWTN--again, kind of creepy. For a while she had that patch on her eye and everytime we passed by that channel, Dave would shout "ARRGGHH, Matey, let's all say the Rosary". It will be nice to have his company in Hell.
  • Hotel linens (I have been known to sleep fully clothed with a polar fleece jacket on in any hotel without the blanket incased in between two crisp, clean sheets-Dave McKeon flat out knows he has to spring for a very high end hotel if he expects any sort of skin revealing activities)
  • Hotel phones and remote controls- I would rather lick the bathroom stall (stall, not the toilet) in Wrigley Field than touch the remote in a crap  hotel--I watch all that John Stossel stuff with the black lights....it's way scary
  • Any bedding in a rental house/condo or other shared space. I usually pack my own and ALWAYS bring my own pillowcase. I get hyperventilatingly panicky at the thought that someone else may have had their dead skin flaking body anywhere near any sheets that I may be touching, especially anything near my face.
  • Sleeping in the same bed with anyone other than Dave--If pressed I can sleep with my kids or my sister Wendy, but I can't even sleep in the same bed as my mom. I'd rather sleep on the floor.
True Story--a few years ago, my friend Laurie Rafferty and I took some of our kids to Washington DC to see the Pope. We also took a nun from our kids' school. (trying to work my way back onto the nice list...)Because of Pope Fever, hotel rooms were scarce in the nation's capital. We had two rooms, one for the four boys, and one for Laurie, me, our two young daughters and Sister. Each room had two queen sized beds. As we spent our first day sightseeing, I'm doing the  math in my head and realize that two adults are going to have to sleep together...in the same bed...I'm dying inside...When we finally get back to our rooms, and as we're getting situated for the night, I finally just blurt out "I'm really sorry but there is NO way I can sleep in the same bed as Sister". You two take the beds, and I will just sleep on the floor." I know I hurt her nun feelings, but there is no way in hell I could sleep in the same bed as a nun, EVER. Eventually, Laurie and I shared a bed, but I did not sleep for one second and laid stiff as a corpse. Just ask her.
  • Any kids other than my own sleeping in my kids' beds, especially if they have not taken a shower right before bed. For many years, when the kids had sleep overs, I used to make their friends take a shower before getting into bed (just like I make my own kids--Do you have any idea how stinky eight year old boys are?) Surprisingly, many children did not feel comfortable being forced to take a shower at their friend's house, even when I offered them a swim suit to wear(darn those stranger danger classes). I have solved this problem by  having a bin full of old blankets and sleeping bags that my kids and their friends can use when having sleep overs, which are only allowed on the floor of the play room.  I just wash the blankets they use and everybody is happy.  Obviously I have some serious issues with bedding...
  • An unmade bed
  • Anybody touching my hairbrush--when I was a camp counselor a hundred years ago, I only had two rules--don't touch my face, and don't use my hair brush....
  • Someone else's wash cloth
  • Someone else's tooth brush
  • Other people's hats--Do you hear me, Pete McKeon??Stop putting on other people's hats. Are you trying to force me into therapy?
  • Other people's clothes--no offense to anyone, but I can only borrow clothes from my sister Wendy. Don't offer me your hand me downs, old jackets, or jeans. I physically cannot put them on...Do not send clothes home with my kids, either. It's nothing personal, it's just me.
  • Other people's shoes
  • GoodWill--It's used stuff from strangers....If my kids want to make me cringe, they threaten to buy stuff at Goodwill. Ask Chris, we had a big fight about it. Listen, I know it's all green to buy that used shit. I just can't do it. Charge me extra...but I cannot even fathom wearing something worn by a stranger. No matter how cheap or cool or vintage it is.
  • Library books (Have you ever eaten a few potatoe chips while reading a book?, or sneezed as you perused the latest best seller? So has everyone else, and that is why I cannot take books out of the library books...just think of all those strangers sneezing in them...you will never go to the library again, will you?)
  • Books in the Pediatrician's Office
  • Toys in any Doctor's office
  • The buttons in the elevator in a hospital --again, sick people, touching, touching
  • Jon Gosling (the dad from Jon and Kate plus 8)
  • Hugh Hefner
  • Snakes
  • Raccoons--I am sure that they are going to sneak in my garage at night and touch my stuff. I am a total Nazi about keeping the garage door down  to prevent this scary scenario. Every  morning as I pull out of the garage for boot camp, I keep my eyes peeled for rogue raccoons trying to dart into my garage.
  • Possums--even creepier than raccoons, with their ugly, ugly tails and their beady eyes
  • Skunks--when we lived in Cleveland there was a skunk epidemic. I was afraid to leave my house
  • Mice--we also once had a mouse in Cleveland. We moved soon thereafter
  • Pigeons
  • Bats
  • Head Lice--Seriously, this is probably my greatest fear. I cannot explain it, and I  know intellectually that it has nothing to  do with hygiene, but the thought of it makes my mouth go dry. This is why I know that some day, my kids will come home riddled with head lice...then I will have to shave their heads and burn my house down.
  • Scabies--I'm not sure what this is exactly, but I think it involves bugs under your skin. oooohhhhhh.
  • Impetigo--I've never seen it, but when that girl on America's Next Top Model got it, I had to add it to my freak list
  • Wrestling--Do you remember Jack's short lived wrestling career?  I almost had to be medicated during that little stint--skin to sweaty skin contact with a stranger? Seriously? seems like you are just begging to  get scabies or impetigo.
  • Bare feet--yuuck--especially when people are dressed up in a picture and then they or their kids have no shoes on...Unless you are at the pool, put some goddamn shoes on
  • Dirty bare feet, double yuck
  • Dirty fingernails
  • long fingernails on guys
  • Dirty, long fingernails on anyone
  • Anybody clipping their nails--glad people do it, don't want to see it
  • Anybody clipping their toenails--I just vomited a little in my mouth thinking about this
  • People touching or picking at their feet--just stop
I have to take a short break from writing this post. Reviewing this list is making me so queasy that I need to just stop for a minute....OK, I'm back, and took off several hours to put up my Halloween decorations. They look awesome....not as awesome as Sue Chiappetta's, but mighty fine...

  • Muffin tops--again, something I do not need to see
  • Any flesh hanging out of places it has no business escaping--proper undergarments, ladies. We once went to an Indian wedding and some Indian woman had chunk hanging out of her sari. I couldn't stop staring at it just to gross myself out...And I will never forget it, as it is permanently burned into my retinas.
  • Fat guys with no shirts on--this includes guys mowing their lawns. What, you think you are invisible because you are sitting on a lawn mower? Just put a shirt on.
  • Any guy with no shirt on eating food--(unless at a pool)-it turns my stomach.
  • Same goes for fat girls--don't want to see you in a jogging bra or belly shirt. I don't care if you are fat. I just don't want to see you, or really anybody, without a full coverage shirt on
  • Really big, tall women with loud voices
  • Full sleeve tatoos
  • Odd piercings, especially in, on or around the mouth
  • Touching raw meat--I HATE the feel of raw chicken skin...possible valid reason why I do not cook meat that has to be touched
  • Live chickens
  • Raw eggs on my hands-I love eggs, but hate the feeling of their uncooked sliminess on my hands.
  • Plastic tableloths in a restaurant--think Miraz....then think again and go to Andreas
  • All those "deli" sort of places that serve stringy hot entrees--I've been fooled by them twice since I moved to Kenosha, and once you walk in you are stuck. Then I have to buy some food, just to be nice,and then I throw it out.
  • Strep throat--my kids traded strep back and forth for a year, and the pediatrician said it was because they had no antibodies because I had antibacterialized them to death. "Oh, my kids are too clean? call Children's Services." I became seriously strepaphobic, and am certain that strep is lurking every where., every day. My dream is that they make a home strep kit, like those EPT tests.
  • Someone else's kid's throw up--I can clean up my own kid's vomit, but when it comes out of some other kid? holy shit, give me a hazmat suit. Chris once had a friend who hurled down our entire back staircase when we lived in Mansfield---I have not yet forgiven him...
  • Anything sticky on my floor--In terms of things that happen in real life that creep me out, (as opposed to the ones I just imagine), this one is WAY up there....Jack once dropped a whole gallon of apple juice on the kitchen floor. He is so damn lucky that I was too busy screaming and freaking out to catch him. Every now and then, one of the kids relives this special moment--in hushed tones--
  • Carpeting--even if you clean it, you know that it is chocked full of germs. And those, my friends, are the scariest kind--the ones you can't see, but you just know they are there. When Annie was three she had the flu and threw up purple popsicle on the carpet. I had it cleaned a hundred times, but knew, lurking deep in the fiber, were tiny, microscopic bits of regurgitated purple popsicle. We never had carpet again---or popsicles.
  • Mismatched clothes--the visual kills me, especially those stupid bikinis where the top and bottom are not supposed to match...it's just wrong in so many ways
  • Inappropriate outfits-- sweat pants at a funeral, Aerosmith T shirt at a wedding, sometimes I cannot get over these fashion faux paus and will talk about them for days....  
  • White shoes after Labor Day
  • Mom jeans on skinny moms whose figures deserve so much better
  • Kids in fancy dresses and ski coats
  • Kids in fancy dresses and sneakers
  • Tiny boys in full blown suits
  • Tiny boys in leather jackets-- Do not dress your one year old like a Soprano or Gordon Gekko
  • Kids with snot on their faces
  • Dirty Kleenex
  • Any sort of hankerchief--do you really want to put a snotty rag back in your pocket? I don't care how old or how nice you are. No amount of clorox is going to convince me that your hanky is "clean"
  • Seeing a hair stuck to a bar of soap
  • Finding a hair in my food
  • Finding anything unidentifiable in my food--when we were in China adopting Posey, I lost eight pounds because all the food seemed have weird pieces of shit in it...I just knew they were trying to feed me dog and pass it off as lasagna.
  • Biting into something and feeling a "hard thing"-
  • Bananas--the texture makes me want to puke
  • Tapioca
  • Sour milk
  • Gum stuck to anything, especially furniture or my shoe
  • Blistex that has gone through the dryer
  • The flush lever on a public toilet
  • The door handle on a public washroom (everyone is touching it)
  • Mints in a bowl that are not individually wrapped
  • Seats in a movie theater--I've been freaked out by these for years, way before that whole "bed bugs take over a New York movie theater" story.  Bring something to put down on your seat.
  • Bed bugs---Just so disgusting that I can't even say the words out loud, particularly given my linen issues..never seen one, never want to
  • Cockroaches--I 've never seen one of these either, but I know they would make me sick
  • Centipedes
  • June Bugs
  • Any of that "Twilight," Vampire shit
  • That pasty faced Robert Pattinson
  • Anyone with a stocking over their face--my boys will steal those peds from the shoe department at Nordstroms and stretch them over their faces to make me scream...speaks volumes about all of us, doesn't it?
  • Anyone in a hockey mask
  • Anyone in a ski mask, even if I know it's Dave or one of the boys--scares the shit out of me
  • Micheal Meyer
  • Any zombies, especially the ones in Night of the Living Dead
  • Anyone pretending to be a zombie
  • Anyone fake choking
  • Any movie, TV show or book involving the devil or someone possessed by the devil....I do not need to tempt fate by messing with any sort of satanic shit...Mocking the pirate nun is bad enough 
  • Linda Blair
  • Linda Lovelace
  • Linda Carter--big, scary wonder woman
  • Jimmy and Roslyn Carter
  • Gypsies--I don't think I've ever  met any, but the thought of them freaks me out
  • Hippies, especially the kind that have bare feet and smell like patchouli
  • Amherst College--full of hippies that smell like patchoul--when we visited there I made the kids get back in the car, and they were not allowed to touch one single thing
  • Vegan food--it all smells like lentils and is eaten by hippies
  • tofu
  • Hot Tubs--a bubbling cess pool of germs
  • Anyone on the Real World--
  • People on the Real World in a hot  tub--there are not enough chemicals and antibiotics in the world to fight those STDs
  • Snookie--the epitome of all that freaks me out...hot tub loving, flesh exposing, Twilight watching,big haired, loud talking, unmade bed sleeping gypsy..you know she goes to bed, every night, without a shower, on crap sheets, full of bed bugs, and tons of pierced shirtless guys, touching raw chicken.... and SHE gets the book deal....in the words of the pirate nun...ARRRGHHH.....
Now, for today's Top Ten:
  1. Halloween Decorations--they do not scare me
  2. Ebenezers--A very cute antique store in Clarendon Hills where I bought my favorite Halloween decoration, a two foot tall paper -mache "Candy Corn" man. You have to see him
  3. The Bent Fork--A GREAT bakery in Highwood, they will deliver to Kenosha for $20
  4. Mike McTernan--He knows how to set up a way to notify people when I update the blog. It involves an RSS feed. I have no fucking clue what that is, or how to explain it to you, but he swears it will work. Call him for the specifics if you give a shit....
  5. Hollow dripless tapers--they are from France and prevent me from burning my house down
  6. Pete McKeon--went to school today for Disney day of Homecoming week dressed like Tinkerbelle--it was a surreal combination of Lady Gaga and Duane "The Rock" Johnson when he played the tooth fairy in that kid's movie--and funny as hell. Nate wussed out, going as Woody from Toy Store,--that's a stretch....
  7. Smoked Almonds
  8. Jean Jordan and T. R. Swartz--they kindly give us the right of first refusal (after family, of course) on any Notre Dame tickets that they do not use--and they have good seats
  9. Patagonia polar fleece jackets
  10. white pumpkins
Have a great day, hope to post again soon, hope to figure out that RSS thing...Quick news flash...at the bottom of the blog post, near the comment part is a button that says "subscribe'? could this be the answer? Some one try it and let me know...

seriously,....Snookie???What sort of crazy ass world are we living in??