Retread...a vintage column worth rereading...

Here is another update to the world's fastest growing blog---(until someone tells me otherwise, this statement is true--believe it, spread it, and shamelessly promote it). I would like to give a holla to Tim Nickels, Emily Chiappetta and Kyle Bailey for their big finish in the Chicago Marathon!!!  It's a long and grueling race...and these three persevered. I saw a photo of Emily Chiappetta post race and it looked like she wasn't even breaking a sweat--nicely done, mees. (that is cool speak for Miss)

Hola, to Maggie Nickels and her Mexican bathroom comment...I appreciate the knowledge, and won't tell your mom about the lack of espanol hygiene.  Tell your friend "China" we all say hi, and stay away from the worms....

Now, for today's post I'm trying a little something different, just to test myself, NOT because I am too lazy to  write a new post...oh, no...this is all in the interest of literary and technological experimentation...I am attempting to insert one of my old columns from my tenure at the Kenosha News into this post. Many of my true and loyal followers probably did not get the chance to read these gems first hand, hot off the presses during my print literary hey day. And I am giving them that unique opportunity now. But, the real question is, can I pull this off???

Here goes.... Oh, my ever living God, it worked!!! Here it is, a column I wrote back in 2008 to the aspiring graduates of that year. Ok, it's not exactly timely, but it's in place...in my post.  Oh sweet Jesus, I love the voodoo magic of technology... read and enjoy. (I hope I am not violating any copyright deals held by the fine, fine Kenosha News---if I am, my apologies to Howard Brown)

IF I HAD SOME COOL GRAPHICS, THIS WOULD BE THE TIME TO INSERT THEM, ALAS, I'VE GOT NOTHING******RETRO COLUMN ALERT********RETRO COLUMN ALERT*********
(I really need to work on upping my slickness...Chris McKeon will be spending his fall break curing this flaw)
LAURIE MCKEON'S COLUMN FROM MAY OF 2008, AN INSTANT CLASSIC

As colleges across the nation hold their graduation ceremonies, many notables are giving inspirational commencement addresses.  And though I have yet to be formally (or informally for that matter) asked to speak to this year’s newly minted graduates, I, too, have some solid words of wisdom.

To the Class of 2008,

Hurray for you.  You’ve made it. You’ve climbed the mountain, written the thesis, gotten the sheepskin, and repaired all of the nail holes in your student apartment with toothpaste in the futile hopes of getting your security deposit back.  Way to go. But now, as you enter the cold, cruel world of adulthood, with its myriad responsibilities of car payments, student loans, insurance premiums, and utility bills, I’d like to give you a few words of advice.

1. You will never be any smarter than you are today.  Trust me, never again in your natural life will you be so sure that you have all the answers and be so willing to share them with others.  Right now, today, you know it all.  And that’s great, because this is your special graduation day, but starting tomorrow…

2. Buy a belt.  Low slung pants may be all the rage on your college campus, but in the real world, the world that has absolutely no interest in your prowess at beer pong, no one wants to see your butt cleavage, plumber’s crack, paisley boxers, back tattoo, muffin top or thong.  Pull up your pants and put on a belt.  While you’re at it, pick up some decent shoes.  Unless you are embarking on a lucrative career as a life guard, flip flops are unacceptable in the work place.  (or the White House)

3. Along those same lines, lose the ball cap, skull cap, stocking cap, doo rag or any other funky head attire.   Believe it or not, back in the day, it was considered very poor form for a gentleman to wear a hat indoors.  While that bastion of decorum has long gone by the wayside (totally due to major league sports merchandising), it is still inappropriate to wear that Cubs cap to the office (possible exception if  you just signed a major league contract –though if it’s with the Cubs, you’ll be way  too embarrassed to wear the hat)

4. Get a job.  I may be stating the obvious, but jobs pay money and money buys food.  The days of some campus employee in a hair net placing food on your cafeteria tray are over.  All that Easy Mac is on your tab now.  And if you ever want to be able to buy the wine that comes in a bottle, rather than a box, you’re going to need a job. 

5. Show up every day.  Contrary to popular belief, there is no “three cut” policy in the work force.  Your employer expects you there every day, so unless you have a written note from the Center for Disease Control, or your father owns the company, go to work.   Also, FYI, there is no spring break, summer vacation, Christmas break or senior skip day.  And sorry, it’s too late to switch your major to education.

6. Be on time.  Now that you are a full fledged adult, your mom, roommate, boyfriend or parole officer is not responsible for getting you out of bed.   Buy an alarm clock, program your phone, get a dog or work the night shift.  Nothing is more impressive to an employer than showing up every day, on time.

7. Put in a full day’s work.  No matter how boring, tedious, repetitive or hard.  This is why they call it work.  If it was big, super fun every day, they wouldn’t have to pay you.  And sad to say, when you put in your full day’s work, no one is going to throw you a party, hand you a medal or give you a trophy.  You get a pay check. Be grateful.

8. Listen way more than you talk.  I know, you’re a college grad and you just aced your integral logistics final, not to mention that B+ you got in statistics, but you should probably wait until the ink on your company ID dries before telling the woman who’s been running the shipping department for the last 18 years that she’s doing it all wrong.

9. Oh, by the way, that money that is missing from your pay check is for taxes, and yes, you have to pay them.  You are now footing the bill for roads, schools, safety and the national defense, not to mention a lot of pork barrel and boondoggle. Stings a little, doesn’t it?  Welcome to the club. 

10. Finally, say thank you.  Many, many people have sacrificed a lot to get you to this day.  Your parents, siblings, teachers and friends all have earned a stake in your future.  You’re one of the lucky ones.  You’ve made it through.  Now get out there and make us proud.

Admit it. You enjoyed this little piece of nostalgia. I know I did...

Now, for Today's Top Ten:

1. Annie McKeon--who is turning 21 on Wednesday..I am sure she will be drinking responsibly or better yet, spending a quiet evening in the library. Of course I was planning on putting you in the top ten, Annie. You didn't have to ask...
2. Kristi Ambro's red velvet cupcakes--I ate nine of them in a 24 hour period and didn't regret it for one hot second.
3. A Happy Marriage--a very good book, by Rafael Yglesias--sad but beautifully written.
4. The movie Secretariat--I haven't seen it, but I really want to...
5. Freshman Class Homecoming Dinner--36 of the nicest dinner guests we've ever had. No spills, no tears, no drama
6. Bright red autumn leaves
7. The St. Joes Homecoming parade--so cheesy, it's cool
8. The original gold Dial soap-- it appears to be the only soap that I am not allergic to
9. Dave McKeon's Long Island Iced Teas--go down easy, make the world a happier place..5 full gallons of this liquid fun will be coming to the Notre Dame tailgate this weekend.  Happy Birthday to you, Annie McKeon
10. Monogrammed linens

Enjoy the post...I promise to update soon.

If you are in the area of the Joyce lot on the lovely Notre Dame Campus this Saturday feel free to join us for:
The Mega Birthday Tailgate Extravaganza in honor of Annie McKeon and Kim Westphal's 21st Birthdays  (so wish I had some cool graphics to add right now)  I promise that no animals will be harmed in celebrating this special day, but  many Long Island Iced Teas will be killed. Food, fun and friends aplenty. Don't miss it. They only turn 21 once....or twice, for those of you sporting the fake ID's....