Are you Freaking Kidding me??

We are so close...49 followers, so, so close to the half century mark. 50 followers sounds like a lot...I'm counting on you to find me that last follower....Thanks for reading the novel that was my last post. I promise this one will be MUCH shorter.

But I've just got to say...Did you hear that SNOOKIE got a book deal? SNOOKIE? Are you f'ing kidding me? I am totally certain she's never even READ a book, and now she's going to write one? Talk about rubbing salt into my raw, raw wounds.  I guess she's writing a novel called "A Shore Thing" and unless Snookie is getting a brain transplant, it will be the single most ghost written book in the history of the printed word...Christ Almighty, Snookie??? You  know she is just crawling with nastiness, inside and out...She makes me queasy, just looking at her (along with Madonna, Mickey Rourke and sorry, Katie Casper, I know you love him, but also stinky old Johnny Depp who looks like he needs a good antiseptic flea dip)

Thus, today's topic: Things that make me queasy, creeped out, nauseous, repulsed or just a little freaked, nervous or scared... For those of you who know me well, this list is truly endless. I have many germophobic tendencies and even more weirdo quirks. Laugh all you want, but you know you do too. You just won't admit it. Please do not confuse this with the very long list of things that piss me off....we will save that masterpiece for another day..So, here it goes. Things that creep me out:

• Poor dental hygeine
• Poor personal hygeine
• Clammy hands
• Jehovah's Witness--they come to my door with those cheap suits on trying to save me, it's just so creepy..and way too late for me to "have a personal relationship with our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ". I tell them that I am Catholic and am totally comfortable with the semi distant guilt ridden truce that God and I have seemed to negotiate....
• That nun on EWTN--again, kind of creepy. For a while she had that patch on her eye and everytime we passed by that channel, Dave would shout "ARRGGHH, Matey, let's all say the Rosary". It will be nice to have his company in Hell.
• Hotel linens (I have been known to sleep fully clothed with a polar fleece jacket on in any hotel without the blanket incased in between two crisp, clean sheets-Dave McKeon flat out knows he has to spring for a very high end hotel if he expects any sort of skin revealing activities)
• Hotel phones and remote controls- I would rather lick the bathroom stall (stall, not the toilet) in Wrigley Field than touch the remote in a crap  hotel--I watch all that John Stossel stuff with the black lights....it's way scary
• Any bedding in a rental house/condo or other shared space. I usually pack my own and ALWAYS bring my own pillowcase. I get hyperventilatingly panicky at the thought that someone else may have had their dead skin flaking body anywhere near any sheets that I may be touching, especially anything near my face.
• Sleeping in the same bed with anyone other than Dave--If pressed I can sleep with my kids or my sister Wendy, but I can't even sleep in the same bed as my mom. I'd rather sleep on the floor.

True Story--a few years ago, my friend Laurie Rafferty and I took some of our kids to Washington DC to see the Pope. We also took a nun from our kids' school. (trying to work my way back onto the nice list...)Because of Pope Fever, hotel rooms were scarce in the nation's capital. We had two rooms, one for the four boys, and one for Laurie, me, our two young daughters and Sister. Each room had two queen sized beds. As we spent our first day sightseeing, I'm doing the  math in my head and realize that two adults are going to have to sleep together...in the same bed...I'm dying inside...When we finally get back to our rooms, and as we're getting situated for the night, I finally just blurt out "I'm really sorry but there is NO way I can sleep in the same bed as Sister". You two take the beds, and I will just sleep on the floor." I know I hurt her nun feelings, but there is no way in hell I could sleep in the same bed as a nun, EVER. Eventually, Laurie and I shared a bed, but I did not sleep for one second and laid stiff as a corpse. Just ask her.

• Any kids other than my own sleeping in my kids' beds, especially if they have not taken a shower right before bed. For many years, when the kids had sleep overs, I used to make their friends take a shower before getting into bed (just like I make my own kids--Do you have any idea how stinky eight year old boys are?) Surprisingly, many children did not feel comfortable being forced to take a shower at their friend's house, even when I offered them a swim suit to wear(darn those stranger danger classes). I have solved this problem by  having a bin full of old blankets and sleeping bags that my kids and their friends can use when having sleep overs, which are only allowed on the floor of the play room.  I just wash the blankets they use and everybody is happy.  Obviously I have some serious issues with bedding...
• An unmade bed
• Anybody touching my hairbrush--when I was a camp counselor a hundred years ago, I only had two rules--don't touch my face, and don't use my hair brush....
• Someone else's wash cloth
• Someone else's tooth brush
• Other people's hats--Do you hear me, Pete McKeon??Stop putting on other people's hats. Are you trying to force me into therapy?
• Other people's clothes--no offense to anyone, but I can only borrow clothes from my sister Wendy. Don't offer me your hand me downs, old jackets, or jeans. I physically cannot put them on...Do not send clothes home with my kids, either. It's nothing personal, it's just me.
• Other people's shoes
• GoodWill--It's used stuff from strangers....If my kids want to make me cringe, they threaten to buy stuff at Goodwill. Ask Chris, we had a big fight about it. Listen, I know it's all green to buy that used shit. I just can't do it. Charge me extra...but I cannot even fathom wearing something worn by a stranger. No matter how cheap or cool or vintage it is.
• Library books (Have you ever eaten a few potatoe chips while reading a book?, or sneezed as you perused the latest best seller? So has everyone else, and that is why I cannot take books out of the library books...just think of all those strangers sneezing in them...you will never go to the library again, will you?)
• Books in the Pediatrician's Office
• Toys in any Doctor's office
• The buttons in the elevator in a hospital --again, sick people, touching, touching
• Jon Gosling (the dad from Jon and Kate plus 8)
• Hugh Hefner
• Snakes
• Raccoons--I am sure that they are going to sneak in my garage at night and touch my stuff. I am a total Nazi about keeping the garage door down  to prevent this scary scenario. Every  morning as I pull out of the garage for boot camp, I keep my eyes peeled for rogue raccoons trying to dart into my garage.
• Possums--even creepier than raccoons, with their ugly, ugly tails and their beady eyes
• Skunks--when we lived in Cleveland there was a skunk epidemic. I was afraid to leave my house
• Mice--we also once had a mouse in Cleveland. We moved soon thereafter
• Pigeons
• Bats
• Head Lice--Seriously, this is probably my greatest fear. I cannot explain it, and I  know intellectually that it has nothing to  do with hygiene, but the thought of it makes my mouth go dry. This is why I know that some day, my kids will come home riddled with head lice...then I will have to shave their heads and burn my house down.
• Scabies--I'm not sure what this is exactly, but I think it involves bugs under your skin. oooohhhhhh.
• Impetigo--I've never seen it, but when that girl on America's Next Top Model got it, I had to add it to my freak list
• Wrestling--Do you remember Jack's short lived wrestling career?  I almost had to be medicated during that little stint--skin to sweaty skin contact with a stranger? Seriously? seems like you are just begging to  get scabies or impetigo.
• Bare feet--yuuck--especially when people are dressed up in a picture and then they or their kids have no shoes on...Unless you are at the pool, put some goddamn shoes on
• Dirty bare feet, double yuck
• Dirty fingernails
• long fingernails on guys
• Dirty, long fingernails on anyone
• Anybody clipping their nails--glad people do it, don't want to see it
• Anybody clipping their toenails--I just vomited a little in my mouth thinking about this
• People touching or picking at their feet--just stop

I have to take a short break from writing this post. Reviewing this list is making me so queasy that I need to just stop for a minute....OK, I'm back, and took off several hours to put up my Halloween decorations. They look awesome....not as awesome as Sue Chiappetta's, but mighty fine...

• Muffin tops--again, something I do not need to see
• Any flesh hanging out of places it has no business escaping--proper undergarments, ladies. We once went to an Indian wedding and some Indian woman had chunk hanging out of her sari. I couldn't stop staring at it just to gross myself out...And I will never forget it, as it is permanently burned into my retinas.
• Fat guys with no shirts on--this includes guys mowing their lawns. What, you think you are invisible because you are sitting on a lawn mower? Just put a shirt on.
• Any guy with no shirt on eating food--(unless at a pool)-it turns my stomach.
• Same goes for fat girls--don't want to see you in a jogging bra or belly shirt. I don't care if you are fat. I just don't want to see you, or really anybody, without a full coverage shirt on
• Really big, tall women with loud voices
• Full sleeve tatoos
• Odd piercings, especially in, on or around the mouth
• Touching raw meat--I HATE the feel of raw chicken skin...possible valid reason why I do not cook meat that has to be touched
• Live chickens
• Raw eggs on my hands-I love eggs, but hate the feeling of their uncooked sliminess on my hands.
• Plastic tableloths in a restaurant--think Miraz....then think again and go to Andreas
• All those "deli" sort of places that serve stringy hot entrees--I've been fooled by them twice since I moved to Kenosha, and once you walk in you are stuck. Then I have to buy some food, just to be nice,and then I throw it out.
• Strep throat--my kids traded strep back and forth for a year, and the pediatrician said it was because they had no antibodies because I had antibacterialized them to death. "Oh, my kids are too clean? call Children's Services." I became seriously strepaphobic, and am certain that strep is lurking every where., every day. My dream is that they make a home strep kit, like those EPT tests.
• Someone else's kid's throw up--I can clean up my own kid's vomit, but when it comes out of some other kid? holy shit, give me a hazmat suit. Chris once had a friend who hurled down our entire back staircase when we lived in Mansfield---I have not yet forgiven him...
• Anything sticky on my floor--In terms of things that happen in real life that creep me out, (as opposed to the ones I just imagine), this one is WAY up there....Jack once dropped a whole gallon of apple juice on the kitchen floor. He is so damn lucky that I was too busy screaming and freaking out to catch him. Every now and then, one of the kids relives this special moment--in hushed tones--
• Carpeting--even if you clean it, you know that it is chocked full of germs. And those, my friends, are the scariest kind--the ones you can't see, but you just know they are there. When Annie was three she had the flu and threw up purple popsicle on the carpet. I had it cleaned a hundred times, but knew, lurking deep in the fiber, were tiny, microscopic bits of regurgitated purple popsicle. We never had carpet again---or popsicles.
• Mismatched clothes--the visual kills me, especially those stupid bikinis where the top and bottom are not supposed to match...it's just wrong in so many ways
• Inappropriate outfits-- sweat pants at a funeral, Aerosmith T shirt at a wedding, sometimes I cannot get over these fashion faux paus and will talk about them for days....  
• White shoes after Labor Day
• Mom jeans on skinny moms whose figures deserve so much better
• Kids in fancy dresses and ski coats
• Kids in fancy dresses and sneakers
• Tiny boys in full blown suits
• Tiny boys in leather jackets-- Do not dress your one year old like a Soprano or Gordon Gekko
• Kids with snot on their faces
• Dirty Kleenex
• Any sort of hankerchief--do you really want to put a snotty rag back in your pocket? I don't care how old or how nice you are. No amount of clorox is going to convince me that your hanky is "clean"
• Seeing a hair stuck to a bar of soap
• Finding a hair in my food
• Finding anything unidentifiable in my food--when we were in China adopting Posey, I lost eight pounds because all the food seemed have weird pieces of shit in it...I just knew they were trying to feed me dog and pass it off as lasagna.
• Biting into something and feeling a "hard thing"-
• Bananas--the texture makes me want to puke
• Tapioca
• Sour milk
• Gum stuck to anything, especially furniture or my shoe
• Blistex that has gone through the dryer
• The flush lever on a public toilet
• The door handle on a public washroom (everyone is touching it)
• Mints in a bowl that are not individually wrapped
• Seats in a movie theater--I've been freaked out by these for years, way before that whole "bed bugs take over a New York movie theater" story.  Bring something to put down on your seat.
• Bed bugs---Just so disgusting that I can't even say the words out loud, particularly given my linen issues..never seen one, never want to
• Cockroaches--I 've never seen one of these either, but I know they would make me sick
• Centipedes
• June Bugs
• Any of that "Twilight," Vampire shit
• That pasty faced Robert Pattinson
• Anyone with a stocking over their face--my boys will steal those peds from the shoe department at Nordstroms and stretch them over their faces to make me scream...speaks volumes about all of us, doesn't it?
• Anyone in a hockey mask
• Anyone in a ski mask, even if I know it's Dave or one of the boys--scares the shit out of me
• Micheal Meyer
• Any zombies, especially the ones in Night of the Living Dead
• Anyone pretending to be a zombie
• Anyone fake choking
• Any movie, TV show or book involving the devil or someone possessed by the devil....I do not need to tempt fate by messing with any sort of satanic shit...Mocking the pirate nun is bad enough 
• Linda Blair
• Linda Lovelace
• Linda Carter--big, scary wonder woman
• Jimmy and Roslyn Carter
• Gypsies--I don't think I've ever  met any, but the thought of them freaks me out
• Hippies, especially the kind that have bare feet and smell like patchouli
• Amherst College--full of hippies that smell like patchoul--when we visited there I made the kids get back in the car, and they were not allowed to touch one single thing
• Vegan food--it all smells like lentils and is eaten by hippies
• tofu
• Hot Tubs--a bubbling cess pool of germs
• Anyone on the Real World--
• People on the Real World in a hot  tub--there are not enough chemicals and antibiotics in the world to fight those STDs
• Snookie--the epitome of all that freaks me out...hot tub loving, flesh exposing, Twilight watching,big haired, loud talking, unmade bed sleeping gypsy..you know she goes to bed, every night, without a shower, on crap sheets, full of bed bugs, and tons of pierced shirtless guys, touching raw chicken.... and SHE gets the book deal....in the words of the pirate nun...ARRRGHHH.....

Now, for today's Top Ten:

1. Halloween Decorations--they do not scare me
2. Ebenezers--A very cute antique store in Clarendon Hills where I bought my favorite Halloween decoration, a two foot tall paper -mache "Candy Corn" man. You have to see him
3. The Bent Fork--A GREAT bakery in Highwood, they will deliver to Kenosha for $20
4. Mike McTernan--He knows how to set up a way to notify people when I update the blog. It involves an RSS feed. I have no fucking clue what that is, or how to explain it to you, but he swears it will work. Call him for the specifics if you give a shit....
5. Hollow dripless tapers--they are from France and prevent me from burning my house down
6. Pete McKeon--went to school today for Disney day of Homecoming week dressed like Tinkerbelle--it was a surreal combination of Lady Gaga and Duane "The Rock" Johnson when he played the tooth fairy in that kid's movie--and funny as hell. Nate wussed out, going as Woody from Toy Store,--that's a stretch....
7. Smoked Almonds
8. Jean Jordan and T. R. Swartz--they kindly give us the right of first refusal (after family, of course) on any Notre Dame tickets that they do not use--and they have good seats
9. Patagonia polar fleece jackets
10. white pumpkins

Have a great day, hope to post again soon, hope to figure out that RSS thing...Quick news flash...at the bottom of the blog post, near the comment part is a button that says "subscribe'? could this be the answer? Some one try it and let me know...

seriously,....Snookie???What sort of crazy ass world are we living in??