Sunday, November 13, 2011

posting from haiti

You know its a real contest when you are getting a post from haiti. I'm doing this on my international blackberry so forgive the even more typos than usual.

No time to score last week but keep up the good work. But I do have this weeks contest:

Best stocking stffer for a ten yesr old boy

Your welcome for that special gift brian and john. So stop your whining. You guys not only have ten year old boys but you used to be one. Don't waste this opportunity fellas.

And let's all take a moment to revel in the marvel of the crackberry.

That s all for now. Let's ring up the blog ticker. Do it for the children.

And Chris is my favorite son for posting this. Viva la revolucion!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

MCYMC--THE BEST OF WEEK ONE

I am currently on page 16 of this f***ing paper and sliding into home. Man, I can't wait to get this monkey off my back.  I am way too old for this late night "desperation leads to inspiration" form of academia.  Hell, I'm way too old for academia....because pretty much all of the gifts you all suggested for mother in laws are gifts that I would want myself....Of course, everyone knows that I have always been a closet 80 year old: bone china, monogrammed napkins, personalized stationary (I love that shit too, Sara) the  Zodiac room at Neiman Marcus (home of the blue haired Michigan Avenure shopper--but their popovers are well worth dodging the three pronged canes) low heeled pumps, all white bedding, cashmere cardigans,  broaches, champagne flutes, refusing to address elders by their first names....yep, I would love anything of your MIL suggestions...except the coffin.

 Because of my love for you all and this blog, I am taking a break from my crap paper to announce tonight's top gift suggestions.  Consider this your MIL Christmas wish list and whatever you decide to get for your mother in law, please pick up an extra one for me to give to mine. Here's a little aside: I have a great friend in Ohio named Roger who had a beautiful store full of lovely gifts and personalized stationary (he still does my William Arthur Christmas cards). Every year, I would go into his store and choose a thoughtful, fairly expensive gift for my mother in law: orrefors bowls, sterling silver broaches, inlaid frames with photos of the children, and once even one of those backrests that you put on your bed (some call them a "husband") monogrammed of course. She never really liked any of them, so finally, it got to the point that I would go into Roger's store and say: "Can you just find me a $30 gift that my mother in law will hate as opposed to a $100 one that she will hate even more" . So, here's a little mother in law pointer from me to you: If you are the daughter in law, you might as well pick out a cheap gift for your mother in law because she's going to hate it either way...save yourself some money. All she really wants for Christmas is for her son to call her once a week and tell her that her cooking is way better than yours...go ahead and make the call, Dave Mckeon....it's totally true..
The suggestions for the week are stupendous, very impressive to say the least. It was very tough to choose the top five, so I am wussing out and choosing the top ten.  Now remember, the next step is  for you top tenners and everyone else to log into this blog (a lot) and vote for your favorite suggestion. Please don't let me down with this whole voting thing. This is a highly crafted contest shamelessly put together to bring this blog up to 50,000 hits by Christmas time.  So, let's please bring out the vote. If Chaz Bono can get enough votes to stay in DWTS for six weeks, we should be able to muster up a few thousands hits for this blog.

Before I list the top choices I just have one question: Jessica, who the hell is your mother in law?? And how much must you love her to give her a St. John suit and Manolos??? Seriously, please divorce your Dave and marry one of my sons. I will be your mother in law any day, any time. Do not take this the wrong way, but there is no way this ridiculously amazing gift suggestion can be in the top ten because it is just way too nice for anybody. And I don't want to have to buy this top shelf ensemble for the eventual winner of this contest. To safeguard against that very expensive proposition, I am pulling it out of the mix right here, right now.

Without more ado. Here are the top ten Mother In Law gift suggestions for this holiday season, in no particular order:
  1. Broomstick---courtesy of Tricia--still makes me laugh
  2. Vosges Chocolates--suggested by Kim/Brenna--these are terrific chocolates and a perfect gift for your MIL--because hopefully she will share them with you. Sometimes, gilt.com will have these on sale on their site. A few months ago  I bought and ate an entire box.  Worth every penny and every calorie.
  3. Orla Kiely purse---recommended by Angela--can't wait for my sons to get married if my DILs give me a gift like this.
  4. The Claw--a thoughtful suggestion from Jamarcus. Please don't discount this excellent gift--family fun for all ages.
  5. Kringle of the month-give this to your MIL, and you, too, can be the happy recipient of a used small kitchen appliance
  6. Huge basket filled with MIL Favorites--a wonderful idea from Judy, and think of all the great things you can put in it...(a carton of Benson and Hedges and See candies, perhaps?)
  7. Louisville Slugger--ooh, Larry Sanchez, you've done it again. The gift that just keep on giving.
  8. Kodack Digital Frame--this really is a great gift--nice job, John---this is not just a chick contest...
  9. Anything from Seebecks---Brian Pond--I'm giving you this one. It's a damn fine suggestion and if you go into Seebecks and tell them you need a gift for your MIL, they will not lead you astray.
  10. Personalized Stationary----recommended by Sara Pond, who is going to be a real contender in this contest know I love it, so it has to be perfect for all the old ladies

Now remember, get out there are drive the voters to the blog--We need to be able to pick some winners. The voting continues to run until Saturday...vote early, vote often.

I will tally a final score for the week once we get the votes going and  I get this paper done and done

Man, this Penn State thing is just wild.  How in hell can any self respecting person  NOT report someone abusing a child??? And now the campus is rioting over the firing of Joe Paterno...I really am an 80 year old lady because I find this so reprehensible that I can 't even stand it.


    Sunday, November 6, 2011

    OK, NOW IT'S A CONTEST

    I am absolutely certifiable for starting a contest right now (who are we kidding? I was always certifiable) but I have this killer idea for an awesome contest and I can't let it go--accounting paper be damned...(page 7 and counting) I will fill you all in on the details of the contest, but before I do, here are the top ten reasons why I have NO business starting anything right now, let alone a big old blog contest:
    1. I am only on page 7 of my accounting paper--13 pages to go and I have to turn it on by Friday
    2. I haven't even looked at my notes for the accounting midterm I have to take on line before I leave for Haiti on Saturday.
    3. I'm going to Haiti (with Nate, Pete and Chris- you know this is not going end well--you know one if not all of us will be getting something---malaria, typhoid, cholera or all of the above. In addition, Dave McKeon is pretty sure that somehow, I will piss someone off and either get shot or kidnapped--either way he reserves the right to say "I told you so" and to negotiate with the kidnappers to lower any ransom demands.).
    4. I am currently about 300 pages behind in my reading for my Law class--(little aside--I am super miffed that I did not get the highest, or even the second highest grade in my law class on our midterm--I have a freaking law degree....WTF???)
    5. Over the next month, I have to take and hopefully pass all of my finals (that's the plan, anyway)
    6. I stupidly agreed to write some chapter for some bogus book that one of my professor is publishing (what was I thinking?? ..book deal, that 's what I was thinking)
    7. I haven't cooked a meal in weeks and my kids are living at the wing stop.
    8. I am doing Thanksgiving at my house (again, seemed like a good idea at the time) 
    9. I am old and continually exhausted (nothing new here)
    10. These blog contests take a ton of time, and I have none left.
    However, these are the top ten reasons why I should do this contest:
    1. I promised John Heinzman that I would
    2. My blog friends always make me laugh
    3. Louis and Judy Pulera haven't thrown down for months now
    4. Angela will be up all night with the baby and needs something to do
    5. Barb Clark hasn't won a Burberry scarf yet
    6. I miss Stacy and her jokes, Tina Lampe and her niceness, Brenna and her gracious comments...and all of the Stedsmen
    7. Sleep is unnecessary and over rated
    8. It's an awesome contest--I'm not kidding
    9. Without a contest I cannot be trusted to ever post a single word on this blog
    10. All I want for Christmas is 50,000 hits
    So, because the pros so outweigh the cons, I am starting, right this minute, the Merry Christmas to You and Me Contest. (MCYMC) This contest will be a great help to everyone during the always hectic Christmas season.  Moreover, it is totally engineered to make the ticker on the blog go through the roof.

     Here is how it's going to work.  Every Saturday or Sunday (cut me a little slack here, ok? my schedule is crazy and I never do my homework until the last hot second so while my intentions may be good, I don't want to be totally locked into some schedule that I can't make workand I don't want John Heinzman riding my ass for being late with a post) I will name a category of items and you all must make recommendations within that category for great Christmas gifts, hopefully complete with a little description and where to buy said gift. See how this benefits everyone? Then, later in the week, (probably on Wednesdays) I will narrow down the entries to the top five and then, from Wednesday until that Saturday, every one, every where (you all included) gets to vote on the ones they like the best.  Points will be awarded for every entry, bigger points will be rewarded for the top five and then HUGE points will be awarded to the weekly winner. As we get closer to Christmas, and I finish my school semester, I will probably narrow the time table, but for now, this is all I can realistically commit to...

    Here is an example: Let's say the category for this week is Men's Accessories- then, all of you guys send in legitimate ideas for great Christmas gifts in that genre--John Heinzman will say "Hermes tie", Judy Pulera will say "Tiffany engraved cuff links" , Chris McKeon will say "Filson belt", Dave McKeon will say "Fifth of Jack Daniels", Angela Fitzpatrick will say "BabyBjorn", Brian Pond will say "Kardashian sister"  ...you get the idea. You can enter as many times as you want as long as it is a new entry. Also, please try to come up with new ideas and not items I have put on my top ten lists before--Hey, I have very limited time this year and I am counting on all of you (this means you, my new bestie Jessica with the over the knee boots) to find some great loot that I can click and buy AND, because I  really am seriously trying to get 50,000 hits before Christmas, PLEASE encourage every one you know to vote--early and often. Finally, if anyone has any hard to buy for people on your Christmas list, feel free to suggest an appropriate category so we can, as a loving group, help you with your Christmas shopping needs.



    Oh, and in terms of the prizes, I will be culling them from the suggestions you all provide--so, let's get some good ideas here. The gift you suggest, just may be the gift you end up winning... how's that for incentive??

    So, the very first category in the MCYMC is: BEST GIFT FOR A MOTHER-IN-LAW...I know it's a hard one, but we might as well start with a bang...this is one that I'd love a few (hundred) suggestions for, so have at and give me your best ideas...and remember, try to give some supporting details so others can use your suggestions...

    The Christmas season has officially begun--the contest is ON!  good luck, go shop and make me proud.

      Friday, October 28, 2011

      BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!

      Holy Christ, it has been ages since I last posted.  Sorry.  Without a contest to keep me committed, I am a total slacker. However, I cannot do any contests until I finish my 20 page accounting paper---and I can't finish my 20 page accounting paper until I actually start it....  But here is my philosophy on accounting papers...."She don't read, she just look at the numbers"  (you knew that was coming, didn't you?)  Oh, Becky Cunningham, I only wish you knew how often you were quoted in the McKeon house hold.("she don't cook, she just look at the drive thru; she don't clean, she just look at the dust bunnies; he don't read, he just look at the amount due..."--we've got a million of them)

       For those of you who really want a new contest, I suggest you all pool your resources and pay some local accountant to write me up a 20 pager, complete with charts, graphs and bibliography, post haste (yeah, I'm talking about you, Jeannie Fredrickson, and you, too, Kristi Ambro) Once that paper is done, it's all contests all day. 

      Now on to this special post. Yes, yesterday (now, the day before yesterday--it took me a while to figure out how to get those photos in...and then I went out to drinks with my friends last night for my birthday...and then I was just useless...please, pretend like this post went up yesterday, Ok?) was my happy birthday and thanks to so many of you for the great birthday wishes. Excellent, excellent use of the Facebook to wish your friends a Happy Birthday. I enjoyed that part immensely and I have to tell you, I enjoyed my birthday immensely as well. And do you know why? Here's why...  Because I made a solemn vow not to do one hot thing all day that I did not want to do.. not one thing. .Now, please read this correctly. I did not say that I spent the day doing exactly what I wanted--that would be too much, really, because as you all know, my wants are endless and boundless (trip to Paris, the Hermes birkin bag, dropping a quick 20 pounds, lunch with Babe Paley and Slim Keith, guest spot on Revenge, book deal...)Hell, I'm not asking for miracles. I just wanted to spend ONE day not having to do the day to day, bullshitty, obligatory things that take up at least 90 percent of my life--think about it, how often do you get to spend an entire day not doing things you hate?? ? Um, like never...So yesterday, with the exception of having to take Pete to the hospital for a quick hand x-ray, (slight glitch in the day of freedom, but it went pretty fast and I spent the whole time reading the article about learning how to be a butler in the Town and Country I brought with me, so it really wasn't too bad, and I actually kind of did want to take him and get it over with so I wouldn't be that mom who lets her kid sit around all week with a broken bone...oh wait, that's my sister Wendy...) but I really did spend pretty much the ENTIRE day, not doing anything I didn't want to do...and while it was not the most exciting day, ever, it was total aces to me.

      Here are the things I did NOT do on my birthday:
      • Write a single word of my 20 page accounting paper
      • Read the 300 pages that I am behind in my law class
      • Even recall that I am taking a leadership class
      • Check the laundry chute
      • Turn on the stove,
      • Turn on the  oven,
      • Turn on the toaster, dishwasher, iron, vacuum or any other household appliance (total dream day right there)
      • Cook food
      • Fold laundry
      • Go to the grocery
      • Go to the bank
      • Go to any meetings
      • Touch any cleaning products
      • Attend the Varsity boy's soccer dinner--sorry, but I have been attending these dinners for the last 15 years and unless they are going to start serving alcohol at these functions, I will always be a reluctant attendee---missing this was just about the highlight of my birthday-no offense to any kid, mom or person involved-(especially my son Nate)-
      • Make the requisite dessert for said soccer dinner...Nate bought a nice pie from Cold Stone on his way..Done and done
      • Schedule a home repair
      • Wait for the cable guy
      • Listen to any whining, complaining, nonsense or back sass
      • Suffer any fools
      • Get on the scale
      • Wear too tight pants
      • Pretend to care about the odd dreams anyone had last night
      • Pretend to care about the meetings Dave had at work
      • Pretend to listen to any stories involving little plastic animals
      • Feign interest in my mother's health issues
      • Feign interest in anyone's health issues (even Pete's thumb...we got the x-ray--negative by the way--but I didn't pretend to be interested...however, just ask me how to serve the cheese course--that butler article--very interesting)
      • Engage in pointless conversation
      • Make sure kids did their homework
      • Pay bills--who we kidding? I don't pay the bills anyway
      • Watch educational television
      Things I DID do on my special day
      • Ate a big breakfast at the Coffee Pot with my kids and my friends (courtesy of the McTernans, at a decked out table...terrific)
      • Read Dominick Dunne's last novel Too Much Money.. This is the book he wrote right before he died.  I love Dominick Dunne, read every single thing he wrote in Vanity Fair, and this book is very autobiographical. The main character is totally based on Dunne's life right down to having a murdered daughter. However, at the end of the book, the Dominick Dunne character reveals that he is gay.  Query: Is Dominick Dunne gay? Which honestly, would only make me like him even more, but seriously, if this is true, how did I not know? When did this happen? Did I miss an episode or something?  I am expecting Judy Pulera and Tricia Heinzman to set me straight on this one...Anyhow, it was a great birthday read.
      • Read the latest Town and Country Magazine
      • Talked on the phone to my happy birthday wishing friends
      • Received many, many great birthday wishes on the Face Book
      • Checked the Face Book more than once
      • Admired my amazing Halloween decorations--Here is a photo of the mantle--it is killer-the whole house looks great--just ask Catherine Hicks (Annie's friend, not the mom on Seventh Heaven...my obscure celeb recall is rather savantish...)
      Can you read what this says? It says HAPPY HALLOWEEN WITCHES--total classic. it makes me laugh all day long--and this is just the tip of the Hallween decor iceberg--Happy Halloween, witches..
      • Talked to my college aged children who called to wish me many happy returns
      • Received two (not one, but TWO) killer Notre Dame Flags for my birthday (actually got them a little earlier--we flew them at the USC Game--don't bring it up--but they are crazy awesome, and here is a picture of my birthday flags--the top one is an ND flag with everyone in our families' name on it, the bottom is the McKeon family crest--which is full of symbols--ask Dave for the official explanation--I'm pretty sure they all mean "House full of shidiots". However, please note that the flag pole is perfectly straight as it is the best flag pole on the market--again, just ask Dave McKeon, as he now has a PhD in custom flags and flagpoles. Seriously, these flags are top drawer. I love them. They are the perfect exception to the general rule of : "If I can't wear it, it's not a gift..." These flags are so cool, I may actually wear them...given enough long island iced teas...

      • Ate a great dinner at the club
      • Hassled Nate for being late for my birthday dinner (he was trapped at said soccer dinner)
      • Laughed at Pete's impressions of his English teacher
      • Unwrapped the DVDs of the last two seasons of Rescue Me, courtesy of Nate and Pete (tardiness forgiven, Nate) Well done, boys...
      • Discussed whether or not kids today are better educated that kids 100 years ago  (Nate and Pete: "Of course we are". Me: "Well, the average kid today is probably better educated because more kids go to school, but you guys compared to young men really educated at a decent school in the 1910s? No way....those guys were reading Greek and Latin, studying the Magna Carta and memorizing Shakespeare...you two can barely spell Shakespeare...and neither can your friends." Dave McKeon: "You kids are all a bunch of dumbasses, especially Chris"
      • Bought several more books for my nook
      • Went to bed before 11 (super early for me)
      All in all, a very fine day.  Again, thanks to everyone who sent out birthday sentiments---especially my friend with the freakishly good voice who left a singing birthday message on my cell phone. You know I saved that, right?

      Now, and it's been such a long time, but here is today's top ten--saving the best for last..
      1. Cake from Beth Mattuecci's cake lady
      2. Posey's new blue suede primigi boots--you have to see them to truly appreciate them
      3. The Lalique earrings on sale right now on Vivre.com--a killer deal and they are just as pretty in real life. I should know--I bought them. 
      4. The awesome dress I received from my birthday pals from Strawberry Fields in Lake Geneva. It is made out of men's suits--and is absolutely perfect--thanks, ladies
      5. Let's Bring Back--a phenomenal book Annie gave me full of classic things that I love (like brooches, consomme, garden parties) that need to be revived...it is a masterpiece. Thanks, Annie...and I hope you all know, that I singlehandedly brought back Tretorn sneakers about four years ago--they can now be seen in J.Crew--you're welcome.
      6. J. McLaughlins--great store that I first encountered in Georgetown--bought a great coat there--There is one in Charleston and now there is one on  the square in Lake Forest where Penny's From Heaven used to be...received a dynamite birthday gift from there...thanks, Carol.
      7. The Bitch magnet from Judy Pulera--I'm still laughing.
      8. The Neiman Marcus Christmas book, which is offering its usual crazy high end gifts--but did you notice that this year they are offering a wooden boat modeled after the always classic, never to be replicated Chris Craft??? of course they are....
      9. The Notre Dame flags--they have to make the list
      10. Mary Grace Fitzpatrick-- the new baby daughter of our own Burberry scarf winning Angela Fitzpatrick and her super husband Brendan.  She is just beautiful and much loved by her two big brothers, Jake and Henry. Just another Fitzpatrick to love...congratulations and love to the whole family...babies make the whole rest of the world make sense...
      And on that happy note. I sign off.  However, I really will post more because I made a solemn promise to my good friend John Heinzmann, and I am nothing if not a woman of my word...but again, no contest until somebody (anybody) finishes that accounting paper...

        Wednesday, October 5, 2011

        STRATEGY FOR THE FACEBOOK

        As I alluded to, I have been dabbling in The Facebook. And now they kind of changed the look of the Facebook and I am even more lost and less interested. I can't really "chat" or talk on it, and don't really want to. I don't understand the news feed part, but now that doesn't even show up, so I'm  glad I never spent the time to figure out how to use that part. Finally, it appears to me, that most people just use The Facebook as a big, gratutious photo album and I am totally down with that... for a couple of reasons: 1. becaue I don't know how to down load pictures on the Facebook, so other than the three that are on my page, I'm pretty safe, and 2, this whole photo thing aligns nicely with my  FB strategy,

        Yes, I have a strategy for the Facebook. and I call it "just looking at the pictures". Really, that's pretty much all anyone does, who are we kidding? Except for the few who down load news feeds and make sassy comments (talking about you, John Heinzman) everyone out there is "just looking at the pictures"... I did not invent this strategy  of  "just looking at the pictures". As a matter of fackt, this strategy existed way before the Facebook. I adapted this strategy from one Becky Cunningham, a consummate "garbage professional" that I've had the pleasure to know.

        Allow me to explain: When we lived in Ohio, people had to pay for private garbage service. We used a nice service called "Don Haynes Rubbish". Now, Don Haynes did a good job, of picking up our mass quantities of garbage, until Christmas 2000. This was the year we adopted Posey, and because we were in China from the end of  November through the first part of December, I bought all the kids' Christmas gifts on line, before we left. Needless to say, come Christmas Day, we had tons of cardboard boxes and packaging to dispose of.  So, Dave McKeon broke down all the boxes, wrapped them up in twine and set them out with our garbage cans for pick up. Don Haynes came, took the garbage, but left the large bundles of neatly tied up cardboard. I quickly called old Don Haynes and left this message: "Hello, this is Laurie McKeon at 2720 Alta West Road. It's 7:30 in the morning, and your guys just left, but they didn't take any of the card board boxes that we had neatly tied up with the garbage. Could you please come back and get them? You are the garbage carrier, come back and carry away the garbage, please..." Surprisingly, Don Haynes's guys never came back...and old Don Hayes never called. Instead, he sent me a nice little note on "Don Haynes Garbage man Letterhead" that read: "Git (sic) someone else". No joke, I got fired by our garbage carrier.

        For several months, I kept that dismissal letter taped to my kitchen cabinet, to remind myself to be a little nicer, but  i got over Don Haynes pretty darn fast as he was soon replaced by the Cunninghams.-- a small, start up family  garbage service who made up for their lack of expertise (and teeth--seriously, they would come pick up the trash, three in the front seat of their garbage truck and not a full set of teeth between them--sometimes even the grandma would be with them. I'm a sucker for a family business empire) with a gung ho attitude and a willingness to collect all things trashy. When I called the Cunningham operation, I had the pleasure of talking to Becky, the brains of the organization. (her brother Billy was the truck driver/brawn). Because regular trash collection was critical to my household, I was truly desperate to find and keep quality garbage service, I asked Becky if her company had any issue with picking up cardboard boxes, or had any other garbage restrictions. And Becky laid it all out there for me, telling me: "We don't take paint, we don't take tiiires, (for years I thought she meant "tars", but I eventually realized she meant "tires") and we don't take dead animals"....I told Becky I could live with that, (I guess I would have to dispose my dead animals elsewhere) and promptly paid her for a year's service, figuring she wouldn't fire me, as she and her brothers would have already spent their year's advance on Slim Jims and flaming hot cheetos.

        I continued to pay the Cunninghams by the year,( just a little garbage insurance) When we moved from Mansfield we obviously had a garbage credit, which was no big deal, money well spent However, once that garbage credit was over, Becky Cunningham kept sending me bills. Finally, I called her and said: "Hey, Becky, we haven't lived at the Alta West address in over five months. Didn't your brother  notice the changed name on the mail box?"  And she said, with not an ounce of irony: "Oh, Laurie, he don't read,... he just look at the number" ( I LOVE this quote...I use it all the time, even when it doesn't apply....think about it, just about anything can happen and you can say; 'Oh, he don't (fill in the blank) He just look at the number) And thus, a Face book strategy was born....She don't read....she just look at the pictures... Becky Cunningham, a visionary..who knew?

        So there you go, now you know how I use "The Facebook" Just keep those photos coming, because she don't read, she just look at the pictures..."

        Tonight's Top Ten:
        1. The Art of Feilding  a great, much hyped book by Chad Harbach, who grew up in Racine and actually went to St. Cats.
        2. The assorted licorice tub from Harry and Davids--very tasty
        3. The slim cargo cords for girls in the Tea Collection catalogue-great colors and just enough hipness
        4. Footloose--old and new-I will not lie, I am dying to see the new Footloose
        5. Happy Endings--great little sit com that just makes me laugh
        6. Black watch plaid blazer from J.Crew--it's old school/new cool- plan on seeing it a lot this winter
        7. Revenge--the show that comes on after Happy Endings--a total guilty pleasure featuring Amy from Everwood (another fine television drama that only I watched....)
        8. Mary Chapin Carpenter--she came back into my life via Dave McKeon's ipod. Man, her first album was really, really good
        9. "Go, Irish" --the phrase, not the team...well the team, too, but I am trying to make the phrase "Go, Irish" become a universal salutation or exclamation like that stupid "Roll, Tide" (ok, Roll, Tide is kind of cool, but I want "Go, Irish" to go platinum.
        10. Chai Ling--Annie's boss from the summer, was a student leader in the Tiananman Square hunger strike in China, sought political asylum in the US, earned degrees from both Harvard and Princeton, started a super software company, then used that money to fund All Girls Allowed, was nominated for the Nobel Peace prize twice and just wrote a new book A Heart for Freedom. She is super impressive--go buy her book.
        Well, that's it for tonight, Sorry these posts are few and far between. School is messing up my blogging time....dang it. Hope to get back at it, but I'm not making any promises....Oh, and by the way, the spell check isn't working....good luck with that.

          Thursday, September 8, 2011

          "AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"

          My homework for the night is done, I do not have on line school, and so I turn to the blog, to post up and create a close knit bond that the Facebook cannot provide.  (More on the Facebook in my next post...)

          As Dave and I half -assed watch the Packers (who look freakishly good, by the way), we dissect our days and chat about important topics. Here are a few observations and conversational sound bites from Casa McKeon--(some game related, some not):
          • Me: "What the hell is up with Al Michaels hair? I swear to God he sprayed it on his head out of a can". Dave: "You're right....ouch--. He's an announcer--who gives a shit what his hair looks like?" Me: "Him, I guess"
          • Dave: "Is Kid Rock retired or something? or on the State Fair Tour? Why is he playing at the Packer game"  Me: "I don't know..."
          • Me: "Nate and Pete spent $30 at Burger King buying dinner for themselves and Posey" Dave: "Why do you let them eat that shit?" Me: "Because the cleaning ladies came today" Dave: "What?" Me: "You know I hate to mess up the kitchen the night of the day that the cleaning ladies come. All I ask is that the  house stays clean for ten good hours after they leave...Is that too much to ask? " Dave: "So I take it, I'm not getting dinner?" Me: "Burger King is open" ....Dave: "KFC it is...that grilled chicken is alright..." Me: "Good call"
          • A commercial comes on for that new show with Christina Applegate and Will Arnett, "Up All Night" I think it looks kind of funny. Dave says: "What? They have only one kid? A baby? You can't have a show about that...that's not even enough material for a commercial. One kid doesn't even count--that's a f'ing party. Shit. People have a baby and they think they deserve a TV show??? Then I deserve a f'ing mini series"
          • Dave: "Why do so many Packers have long hair and wear those stupid stocking caps? They look like a bunch of P*$$ie". Me: "They look ok"
          • Dave McKeon: "Are you rooting for the Packers?! You grew up outside Chicago. You can't root for the Packers!" Laurie: "I am Packer neutral. They seem like an ok team to me....." Dave: "Traitor"
          • Jack McKeon via phone: "Are you rooting for the Packers?" Me: "Kind of. Why? Do you hate the Packers. like dad?" Jack: "I don't hate the Packers, I hate the Packer fans..."
          • Dave McKeon to me: "I saw some article in the Wall Street Journal today. You are not going to f'ing believe it...There was a whole article talking about 'murses' and 'mewelry'. I had to look twice. The WALL STREET JOURNAL was writing about  MEN'S PURSES (murses) and .MEN'S JEWELRY. (mewelry) Apparently men need some sort of a satchel to carry their 'mewelry'. What the hell happend to a brief case? Is the whole world just overrun by pussies now?.If I were a woman  today, I'd just start beating men up....they totally deserve it. " Me: "Well, what did it say about "murses" and "mewelry"? Dave: "Hell, I didn't read the article. I just turned the page. I don't want to read about shit like that..I've got a business to run, ...and it's not selling murses to p*$$ies"
          • He continues: "Do you know who the face of the "murse carriers" is?" Me: "Tom Brady?" Dave: "Yeah, him too, but I was talking about Andrew Ross Sorkin, the pussy on Squawk Box who wrote that stupid Too Big to Fail book. He's on at 5am." Me: "You are the only person in the United States who knows who he is, let alone that he would carry a "murse". Dave: "Shit, everyone knows he's a pussy" . Me: "Okay, but Tom Brady is the spokesman for Ugg Boots. That pretty much makes him the King of the P*$$ies". Dave: "Yeah, but his wife is a super model. That counts for something. You know Sorkin's wife can and does beat him up regularly---probably with his "murse'"
          • Dave--as an aside during the "murse" tirade: "That big, fat F'ing Raji (on the Green Bay Packers) looks like he's lost a little weight. He's a big F'cker. I think he probably weighed 400lbs last year. He looks like a trim 350 lb. now" Me: "you don't say"
          • Followed by: Dave: "When I saw that article, the only thing I could think of was...my son Chris. He would totally carry a f'ing "murse". Me: "I don't think so, maybe a messenger bag"  Dave: "Which is a f'ing murse...admit it. our son is a p*$$y" Me: "Well, I don't think Jack would carry a "murse". Dave: "He'd f'ing better not"...Pete comes down stairs:
          • Dave: "Hey, Pete, who's a bigger p*$$y? Tom Brady or Andrew Ross Sorkin?" Pete: "Who is Andrew Ross Sorkin?" Me: "Told you so" Dave: "Our kids don't know shit about current events..." Me; "The dude who wrote "Too Big to Fail" and carries a purse is not a current event...." Dave: "He should be....as a warning to men everywhere""...(I kid you not, these are actual conversations that go on between me and Dave--no wonder our kids are messed up)
          Dave leaves to get some KFC grilled chicken. Please do not judge me to harshly for not cooking some nights. (particularly on cleaning lady night..) Generally I make dinner, but many nights Dave won't eat it because he is still on the slow carb diet...which means he eats nothing but protein (so any night I make pasta, --which is kind of a lot--he has to figure out his own meal--he eats a ton of Grilled KFC, a ton). He also talks about food pretty much all the time. I think he has manorexia. He has lost a bunch of weight and looks great. But, while Skinny Dave may live longer, I'm not going to lie to you, Fat Dave was way more fun.

          Enough about us: Here is tonight's Top Ten:
          1. Number 18 on the Packers, don't know his name, but he just went 108 yards for a touch down
          2. Girls In White Dresses--a collection of related stories that is so funny and well written.
          3. Frye Boots--the strappy short ones are super cute, but the Melissa button ones are even cuter--you're welcome, Annie McKeon
          4. Monogrammed soaps from Pottery Barn--William Sonoma stopped carrying its monogrammed soaps, but Pottery Barn has picked up the slack...important fact to know.
          5. Lou Holtz--did you see his halftime message during the Oklahoma State game? super impressive.
          6. Madewell's wide leg jeans--super cool and you won't see them coming and going
          7. Halloween plates from Hobby Lobby, especially the one with the kid carrying a pumpkin. They have a cool, old school look and only cost $7.99 a piece
          8. Herman " God Father's Pizza" Cain--we watched the Republican debates last night and in the commentaries today, no one even mentioned that Herman Cain was there--I don't know jack smack about him, but he proposed some 999 plan which would put in a flat income tax at 9%.  I'd pretty much vote for the Anti-Christ if he lowered the McKeon income tax rate to 9%.
          9. Rescue Me--had it's last episode last night.  I miss it already
          10. Dave McKeon--Even with skinny Dave, every day is an adventure (full of p*$$ies)
          Total aside: During the debates last night, I saw that John Huntsman. I didn't know much about him, and he has that bogus voice, but he's not Rick Perry, Michelle Bachhman or Mitt Romney, so I googled him....Guess what? It was totally freaky. He has five biological kids, an adopted daughter from China who is exactly Posey's age and a little girl adopted from India (sure, his international adoption goes right through, because he's a rich, famous connected guy, ours is still in process, but still) And get this, in a photo of his family, his oldest daughter is WEARING A BURBERRY SCARF,  just like Annies...It was freaky. I swear the Huntsmans are the Mormon, gun toting version of the McKeons...with a lot more money and a dad who is running for President, but still...see for yourself....

          PS. I am trying to think up a new contest--that involves somehow getting you guys to do my homework. I'm still  trying to work out the details...I am only half kidding.

          Monday, September 5, 2011

          HAPPY LABOR DAY!!

          Happy, Happy Labor Day, I hope you are all enjoying this special day off from labor, because some one should and it's not me.  I actually have class tonight, which seems so very wrong.But because I am a full red blooded American, I will soldier on and do my duty and post up some Labor Day musings on the blog. No rest for the wicked... You're Welcome. 

          The 10 things Messing With my Labor Day Weekend-2011

          10. Tailgate Residue--I have not quite put away all the tailgate paraphernalia. ( I'm still waiting for the table cloths to come through the laundry cycle) and it's so depressing having to restock the tailgate bins when the game was such a bust..

          9. Underwear Issues:-- Dave McKeon is out of clean underwear--( And why is this my problem???   FYI- It's in the laundry basket in our room, all clean and folded... he's just too lazy to take it out himself and put it away.. True confession: now that we only have three kids at home, I am not nearly as compelled to keep the laundry cycle humming.  Three kids??? pfft... there's no challenge in that.... I can hardly be bothered)... Dave's solution ?--- go buy more...and I am totally down with that, but...

          8. Long lines at the Mall--The always lovely Pleasant Prairie outlet mall is over run with Labor Day shoppers.  I mean it, they are backed up to the highway. I heard about this from Mr. McKeon which he discovered on his quest for new underwear---and again, somehow this is my fault??? I guess so.

          7. Posey's awful Littlest Pet Shop videos--I love my youngest daughter to distraction, but she sure is no Fellini...Hell, she's not even Michael Moore.  Some one taught her how to make and edit videos on her flip camera.  Now she keeps making me watch these pointless movies she makes starring her Littlest Pet Shop figures. It is even worse than it sounds. It is beyond torture. Ask Nate. He is WAY nicer than me and even he can't stand watching them.  There is absolutely nothing that a little plastic cat wearing glasses has to say that I want to hear...or watch...

          6. The Facebook--This social media device is still a mystery to me. I find myself both compelled and repelled by it at the same time.  Could someone please explain the 'chat' part?. And better yet, explain why I want to chat with people on the Facebook when I have a phone...(here is why I do not love, or even like The Facebook: I responded to someone's friend request--so far so good- and called up the Facebook-I saw that Nate was on line--or on that chat part of the Facebook.  Nate was upstairs in the house. I was downstairs. So, I chat with him and say: "Don't you have a paper to write" and he chats back saying; "I am on the toilet right now..." This is true--go see it for yourself on the Facebook.  Honestly, this sort of info should not be shared, chatted or even mentioned...not even to your mother...just never. This is why I do not love the Facebook--way too much sharing...however, the photos are alright. My new FB strategy--just looking at the pictures...BYW, Kyle Clark, your girlfriend is very cute. I'm sure she is very nice, too. NIce going, Give Ron Johnson my best...

          5. The Weather--...It's 62 degrees outside today--WTF? today is the last day that the pool is open and it's 62??!!.Even I can't get a tan in that kind of chilliness. I know this because I tried yesterday, and was the only dumbass at the pool. (And go figure, it was 162 degrees on Saturday. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust at our tailgate.)

          4. The Lifeguards-- Because I was the only fool at the pool, the lifeguards were super pissed and let their pissiness be known.  Until I showed up, they were allowed to stay inside and though I told them I wasn't going anywhere near the water, (and thus, the likelihood of me drowning was pretty slim), I guess they still have to sit in their chairs if anyone is on the pool deck.. So there they were, wearing sweats, sweat shirts and polar fleece, in their lifeguard chairs, giving me the stink eye. (Posey very smartly high tailed it inside as soon as we got to the club). I braved the cold as long as I could, praying the sun would come back. I  almost asked one of the lifeguards if I could borrow her sweatshirt, until I remember that they all hated me... tough to get a tan under several pool towels ...hope they hire a whole new crew for next summer, because if I get a cramp from swimming after eating, none of this year's guards are going in after me.

          3. The Irish---I love Notre Dame with every fiber of my being, but good f'ing God, that football game was just awful--even worse than Posey's videos.   Really??? a fumble on the two yard line in the first possession? Five seriously dropped balls, and the one that hit the guy right in the side of his helmet??? Are you kidding me?  Plus a missed field goal?? A million penalties AND a deluge?? Two rain delays?  Shiiittt. My kids could have dropped all those passes and they are not on scholarship.

          2.  Class-..It's just wrong to have to go to school on Labor Day Weekend. I even had class last night on Labor Day Eve.  What 's up with that?? I can see making the children on campus go to school today because they need to be toughened up some and suffer a few indignities, but us grownups? Enough already. I am plenty tough...I just need a break...

          1.  Summer is over--The biggest thing messing up my Labor Day weekend is, that once the sun sets today, summer is totally over. Though the calendar says that summer officially ends Sept. 21st, we all know that today is it.  So long, summer.  Hurry Back.
          .
          Now, because I hate ending on a bad/sad note, I am adding another list:

          The 10 things Making my Labor Day Weekend:

          10. La Fogata--Mexican Restaraunt in Kenosha that has become our new auxiliary kitchen. Dave took the kids last night while I was "in class" and I took them there for lunch while Dave played golf...es muy bueno--and I am muy lazy...

          9. Lake Michigan--it may be chilly, but the Lake has been beautiful all weekend. It's something.

          8. Technology success---I hate to jinx myself, but I made through one entire class without screwing up any part of the techno piece. Moreover, I had a skype group meeting AND an on line chat as well. I am Al "the internet" Gore. 

          7. Jimmy Johns--they always come through and their sandwich platters were the perfect choice for our tailgate---It was so goddamn hot that any other sort of food would have been too much. And their chips are the best...

          6. Sleeping In--just can't beat having a day off to sleep past 5:15 and today was that day.

          5. ND undergrads--we had scores of kids coming to the tailgate this weekend and I must admit, they are, in the words of Johnny Jaraczewski  "all good kids, all good kids". It was great to meet Jack's buddies and it is always a pleasure to see the Gentlemen from St.Eds. A special shout out to Molly Madden and Kim Westphal--even melting under that tent, you both still made me laugh.  Molly, where's my photo?

          4. Long Island Iced Teas--the official drink of the McKeon tailgates. We finished off 5 gallons well before game time.  While I would like to blame the heat for the mass consumption of this beverage, I think it was just a function of the crowd. Lesson learned- 10 gallons for Michigan State...

          3. Annie's Apartment--Annie has a terrific place very close to campus. It is WAY too nice for an undergrad--(don't even ask)--but it came in very handy during the rain delays. I have a feeling this fair weather fan may be utilizing it more than once.

          2. Becky and Jerry Miller--our great friends from Mansfield were at the ND game and came to our tailgate. It was so nice to see them and they are the world's best sports.  Even in the Africa heat they never lost their good humor and in honor of Labor Day, I would like to quote Jerry who for some reason  kept reminding me all day "The United States is the best damn country in the world" . He is right. It is. Jerry, I hope your parents were ok...(Becky and Jerry left them in the stadium for like four hours while they attended our tailgate...elderly abuse or just smart thinking???)

          1. IT'S JESSICA SCHREINER'S BIRTHDAY!! Word on the street is that Jessica is a true fan of the blog and because I will pull out all the stops for any and all fans, I am giving her this special birthday shout out. Jessica is once again turning twenty nine,  she lives in Eau Claire (wherever the hell that is) and has actually kissed Billy Idol on stage--(Jessica, where was the picture of that when I was begging people to send in their famous photos???) I need to hear the details on that special kiss...Was it the cool young Billy Idol or the middle aged Billy Idol--it does kind of make a difference. Also, our Jessica HATES the Facebook, so you know she's totally cool. Have a very great birthday, Jessica, and keep reading the blog... (is this a full service blog or what??) And remember, your awesome friends Rob and Jean love you very much. 

          To all, enjoy these last few hours of summer....I 've got to get to class....shiiiiitttt...

          Tuesday, August 30, 2011

          FACEBOOK? WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

          Ok, I am now officially on the Facebook. Big f'ing deal. Honestly, I don't see what all of the fuss is about... and I also have to admit, I just don't get it. Mostly, because I don't even understand how it works, (how do I comment? Who the hell is getting my comments? and why am I getting random information about friends of friends who I do not know??? ) I guess it's sort of cool to look at other people's pictures...kind of... but  after a few minutes, unless they've gotten super fat from high school or have had very noticeable cosmetic surgery....pffft. Who cares??  I am sticking with the blog, the preferred technological format for the literate, the contemplative and the old school.

          I know, I have been ignoring the blog, for a while and for that I apologize. Once I finished my whirlwind session of summer school, and it was indeed a whirlwind, I spent some much needed respite time at my sister Wendy's beautiful house at Torch Lake. (It is a total show place. I mean it. I would post some photos of it, but it would just make you cry with jealousy.--wait, that was me....) Then I had to get those three annoying, extremely expensive older kids off to school, (this involved a U-Haul truck, about 10 trips to Target, thousands of dollars worth of  quality furniture like foutons and dressers you put together with an allen wrench and a whole lot of f bombs from Dave McKeon),  then the three younger kids started school (actually, this was a piece of cake--Nate and Pete keep telling me they don't need any school supplies and I'm taking them at their word, because I refuse to make one more trip to Target--now that I only have three kids at home (!! it's kind of creepy) I'm only shopping at the Walgreens on the corner of Sheridan and 75th Street...there is plenty of inventory there and it's right on my route--) and then I started school again myself.
          Yes, I am back in school. And if you thought I sucked at regular school, well I suck WAY more at e-school.

          It is no secret that other than email and shopping on line, my technological skills are pretty limited. So, you can only imagine just how badly I have bitched up this whole electronic school thing. I have had five classes thus far, and I've yet to smoothly attend any one of them. In my defense, I have never taken a class on line, and when people kept talking about on line classes, I assumed that it was like skyping or something, where the teacher talked, you could see his face and maybe even see the other people in your class somehow...but it doesn't work that way. Basically, it's like a conference call with power point slides and in one class, there's not even the conference call...you just type stuff to the teacher. Seriously??? All this super awesome technology that every one keeps throwing up in my face and mocking me for not knowing how to use and I am "listening and typing"? I feel like I'm back in my high school's "language lab" where we wore those head phones and listened to bad Spanish tapes ("Pablo es in el banyo"..."repete me, por favor")...

          I am taking three classes this semester:  a Leadership class, a Law class and another Accounting class (which I have absolutely no business taking--I let my summer baby accounting grade go to my head and now I am paying the price) and it is probably two classes too many, but I've got to finish this school thing and move on with my life. (yeah, you heard that right, Dave McKeon....I'm actually going to finish this program and get a job....maybe....) For our first Leadership class, I couldn't figure out the audio part (I know, I know...it was just dialing a phone--but it took me a while to figure that out, because I WAS EXPECTING SOME WAY MORE ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY once I logged into the website part.) so I spent the first twenty minutes staring at these moving slides --until I figured out that you had to DIAL in...(shiiiittt).  For our first Accounting class, I couldn't figure out how to put my cell phone on speaker, so I had to basically hold the gd phone up to my ear the whole time, while I tried to take notes (hey, Dave and Nate couldn't figure it out either, and I was trying to be polite and not tie up the land line...), For our first Law Class, when I finally glanced at the syllabus, I realized that I had purchased THE TOTALLY WRONG BOOK before I left campus ( the dude in the bookstore with the wandering eye--it really does drift a little--wouldn't let me back in the stacks to get my own book, he had to help.. He made me tell him the book and the class and he handed me a book, I just assumed it was the right one. It had the word law in the title and it looked expensive. I just took it, threw on my book shelf, and never cracked it open until the day before our home work was due...ok, this has nothing to do with technology, but I know that if I were in real school, with real classmates, someone would have told me that I had the wrong book way sooner...).

          For our second Leadership Class, we had to take this strengths assessment thing on line with a code from the book....yeah, that's right, even though my goddamn book was goddamn new, from goddamn Amazon, the goddamn code didn't work. And once again, because I did not start my goddamn homework until the day before it was goddamn due, I couldn't get the goddamn help desk to answer my goddamn question and score my goddamn strengths assessment to show what a goddamn leader I am.  (leading myself right into the eternal  flames of hell) And finally tonight, for my second Accounting Class, I was up in Dave's office, --(because I still can't figure out how to put my cell phone on speaker and my ear is starting to blister from all of this "on-line"/ "on-phone" learning--screw being polite--I am so tying up the land line) using his fancy phone with the great speaker system,  I thought I had said fancy phone on Mute, but I guess I did not  (yet another technical glitch), because when Dave walked in to his office to hook up his work computer, started staring over my shoulder at some accounting problem that we were going over and I yelled at him to "GET OUT" , and he snapped back that he was "JUST TRYING TO LOG INTO HIS WORK COMPUTER" the teacher, after kind of an awkward pause, said: "And please remember to keep your phones on mute..." . Shhiiittt again. Yep, I've got this whole internet school thing on lock down....While the rest of my technologically savvy classmates are shopping at J.Crew on line, chatting up their Facebook friends and logging miles on their ellipses, during class, I'm holding a goddamn phone to my ear.  I have a sinking feeling that this semester is not going to end well...Any technical advice would be greatly appreciated, so that I, too, can shop online during class or at least fold a load of laundry...

          Well, that about catches you all up with my happy life. Don't bother getting on  the facebook (I like to call it "the" facebook, because it makes me sound even more like an old lady, and for some reason that cracks me up...) because according to my kids, the cool people hardly ever post on it,,,so I got that going for me..(they are just telling me that so I don't creep on their Facebook pages...).I promise to be more attentive to the blog, now that I realize what a special gem it is....

          Tonight's Top Ten:
          1. Jack McKeon--called a few days ago to thank us for letting him go to Notre Dame. He loves it and says it's even better than he expected. Hey, Annie and Chris, we are still waiting for your calls...
          2. the Mute button
          3. Beach Parties
          4. Beyonce's baby--I know it's not born yet, but admit it, that kid's going to kick the shit out of Will Smith and Jada Pinckett's kids, not to mention Suri Cruise and all the Jolie/Pitt brood (except for Zahara--she looks like a bad ass--I love her)
          5, Don't Let's Go to the Dog's Tonight, by Alexandra Fuller. It's a really great read about a family living in Africa. She has a new book out now too. Best line: when her mom is diagnosed as manic/depressive, the mom says: "Oh, we were all crazy then, but I'm the only one with a certificate to prove it"...
          6. Bite sized Milky Ways--ate an entire bag today....thanks, Wanda
          7. Ross Szlag--super nice guy from my class who pretended that no one could hear Dave and I yelling at each other during Accounting Class tonight.
          8. My new sheets from Neiman Marcus--they are so beautiful (white with white monogramming) that when I opened the box, I involuntarily gasped with joy (this is a true story and they are that beautiful)
          9 The J. Crew kids Minnetonka ankle moccasins with the beads--super hip, great price, soon to be in Posey's closet
          10. Notre Dame Football, Baby. This is our year. Get ready.





          Tuesday, July 19, 2011

          SHORTEST POST EVER

          Hey, hey, here is a very, very quick post. I have only three more days of school (thank f'ing God) and would apologize for ignoring the blog, but I'm working my fool ass off. Seriously. I have a paper due tomorrow and a Marketing exam. So, what the hell am I doing posting on this blog??? Beats me....

          No, actually I have a few stories to share and I am going to quickly share them (Quick aside: I am tempted to try that five hour energy that all the kids are imbibing these days, but I am afraid it will make me even more jittery and I've got enough damn issues...I'm not kidding)

          Many exciting things have happened during my tenure on campus. Here they are in order of appearance:
          1. I had food poisoning one of my first days on campus and spent the night puking in my dorm sink....sweet, brought back a few special college memories. The good news is, I lost a few pounds. The bad news, I quickly put them back on...)
          2. Nate sprained his ankle playing basketball on some kid's driveway.  Several days later his father took him for an x-ray--no break.
          3. During the great Kenosha wind storm, a tree fell on the corner of our house. Get the following text from Jack: "A tree fell on the house. Dad is not home. We can't get the car out of the garage. What should we do? "
          4.  Dave and the kids did not have power for three days. In the mean time, I am attempting to master power point for a huge presentation due on Saturday. No power means no power point assistance from the youngsters at home. I was totally counting on Nate and Pete to do all the heavy lifting for me on this one. Nate heads out to Strawberry Creek to get internet access to send me some premade power point slides....this does not go well. Pull an almost all nighter. Learn power point--get an A- on the presentation...I am way too old for this sort of shit.
          5. Receive the following text: "WE still don't have power. We are sleeping in the basement, but we are all very stinky"  Again, not the sort of text I was hoping to receive.
          6. Dave brings the kids up to visit on July 3rd to celebrate Pete's birthday. I feel like it is visitation day at the County Jail. Dave's hopes for a conjugal visit are dashed when he sees my accommodations. (also, having all the kids hanging around didn't help...)
          7. Have classes on the fourth of July.  Is this even legal? Begin my Accounting Class. For someone who doesn't balance her own check book, this could be a challenge.
          8. Attend the Chiappetta wedding on July 9th.. What a beautiful ceremony and a beautiful reception. Despite several hours of reminders, Dave forgets to pack my dress and shoes for the wedding. He calls from the Edens and says that he is stuck in major Chicago traffic and if he has to turn around to get my dress, he is not coming back.... Jack (aka Johnny on the Spot) FedExes them overnight to the Morris Inn. Crisis averted--I had an AWESOME dress for the wedding AND some pretty sweet shoes. It was great to see Dave and the three younger kids. Hit the half way mark of school and heading down hill. Sue and Chip Chiappetta know how to throw a party.
          9. After seven long island Iced teas at the wedding, Dave backs into a post in the parking garage with his brand new Audi--oops. that hurts...(lesson here. Six Long Islands are enough...)
          10. Ace my first two accounting quizzes. Start to get a little cocky...bad strategy.
          11. Bond with my 27 year old cohorts with a rousing game of "Catch Phrase".  My contribution to Game Night? A big ass bottle of Grey Goose. (and some cranberry juice to prevent UTIs--it's medicinal, look it up) Sure, all those Gen X Yers can kick my ass in making power point slides, but I can afford top shelf alcohol.... Advantage--me.....During the whole catch phrase thing, my true competitive nature comes out and I actually call someone a moron when she fails to guess "Easter Egg Hunt"..I'm blaming the goose. 
          12. Chris and Jack inform me that they are hosting something called the "Catalina Wine Mixer". I so do NOT want to know what the hell this is all about. I tell them to talk to their father...and if they get arrested, call a good attorney.
          13. Take my accounting final---Fear that I have seriously overestimated my skills in this arena as it took me every minute of the FOUR hour finals period to finish the exam.....shiiiiittttt.
          14. Dave McKeon leaves for Germany. My children are home unattended--Chris and Jack reassure me that "it's all chill". Why does this scare me even more than the tree falling on the house?
          15. Receive a text from Pete today while I was in my Board Relations class. It read as follows: " the downstairs nonguest toilet is clogged because Jeff " (Please note that I have no son named Jeff) "accidentally flushed his phone down the toilet. It still worked, just a little slow, so I didn't think it would be a big deal so I decided to wait it out and see if it got better or worse. then it got clogged yesterday and we can't unclog it. (shocker there) So I was wondering if we should wait for you or dad to get home before we call a plumber. If you want us to call a plumber now, who should we call? thanks..and can't wait to see you" (this of course, is added for effect, so that I don't kill him). WTF? How can anyone, even Pete, ignore a cell phone that has been flushed down the toilet? When I ask Pete why no responsible adult heard about this mishap, he admittend that his friend Jeff (who spent the night at our house like a WEEK ago) was afraid to say anything in front of Dave. ....Ok, I totally get it, and sadly admire Pete's decision making on this one...Dave McKeon would totally have made Pete, or possibly his friend Jeff, retrieve that cell phone from the plumbing head first. ...And we wonder why kids don't want to spend the night at our house....
          16. Got my Accounting final back....I got an A and shocked the hell out of myself. Please do not spread this happy news to Dave McKeon, because he will now realize that I am wholly capable of balancing my check book, but just choose not to because it's easier to pull money out of his account when I use up all the money in my own...take that, Accounting...
          That's the latest update. And it took way longer than I had planned, so I must return to the books. I have only a few more days at school and I promise I will give a full report then.  I can't wait to go home and sleep in a real bed and take a shower without having to carry a Johhny bucket down the hall. Please say a quick prayer that these last few days are accident and alcohol free for everyone.
          Top Tens will resume, once I finish my homework.  Signing off for now...and it wouldn't kill you to give me a few inspirational comments, would it???

          Saturday, June 25, 2011

          COED UPDATE

          Don't be too shocked but I am giving you all a quick update on my life as a co-ed.  Yeah, I know I should be doing my homework, but I'm reverting quickly to my old college/law school behavior of needing to take a break every hour...(half hour) and yes, you, my friend,s are my break...

          Here are a few quick observations:
          1. I'm kind of old...there are many "students" here who are not yet thirty...they all seem like super nice people, but it's hard for me to not ask them to take out the garbage or to tell them all to go make their beds. I refrain, because I have to stay on their good sides because I will be at their mercy the minute some heavy duty technology project is due...
          2. This will come as a big shock (to no one) but I am already figuring out ways to bribe these hipsters to do some of the heavy lifting for me....Do not think that these "Teach for America" kiddies, who are taking out student loans to get their MNAs cannot be bought.by Dave McKeon's hard earned money.( I am just trying to set my pricing strategy in advance because I don't want to start out too high and then lose my bargaining power come crunch time...)
          3. There is more work than I thought...shiiiitttt. I had heard that this program was intense, but I was hoping there was a bit of urban legend in it...No such luck.  I am going to have to apply myself.
          4. I need to buy some highlighters...and a stapler. Should have packed these but I guess I thought my papers were going to staple themselves now.. Also, I guess my books will be highlighting themselves, because obviously, I'm not making that happen right now...
          5. Many of my classmates take great notes and create all these study guides that they are willing to share (for free---non profiteers all the way).  I will probably not be able to return the favor, but I am more than happy to big up the check. 
          6. Living in a dorm is oddly freeing--no overhead, no maintenance.  It's only been a day an a half, so ask me come week three how I feel about living in a 9 by 10 foot space, but for now, it's ok... ish...except for the communal bathroom...don't ask
          7. There are a lot of people doing some very cool non profit stuff.  It's interesting to see all of the unique perspective out there...Some day I will tell you about the guy in my class who is a political fundraiser who had to get Chinese food for Bill Clinton...it is hysterical. 
          8. I don't think I'm the dumbest one in the class (actually, everyone is pretty damn accomplished--stupid high standards at Notre Dame...)However, there is a very good chance that I am quite possibly the second dumbest...
          9. It's very cool to be back on the ND Campus. I got up early this morning to run around the lakes and make a stop at the Grotto.  Just like old times...(except I run WAY slower)
          10. I miss Dave and the kids more than I thought.. much more. It's hard to realize when you are so immersed in your day to day life, how disconcerting it is to be totally removed from it and dropped into an entirely different day to day.... I'm sure I will get more used to it, and am even more certain that Dave McKeon will be here soon for a conjugal visit, but it's still very foreign to know that this experience is totally mine..However, their is a guy in my class who is a dead ringer for Chris McKeon (he even has a very similar sense of humor...he totally cracks me up) and he has a super good natured friend (like Jack), so I get a little taste of the brotherhood, and have a real good idea of what they will be like in about five years..Still looking for the Nate and Pete doppelgangers, but time will tell. 
          That's all I have time for tonight.  Thanks to all of you who sent your best wishes.  If I survive, I think I will learn a ton, and I promise to make you all proud...(don't worry about my integrity, I'm not going to pay these kids to do my homework....I just want to put a few of them on retainer to handle my technology needs...)

          Study break's up, time for me to get my fat, old ass back to work.  I will post up soon...(actually because I now spend so much time at my computer, I will probably post on a more regular basis...she says optimistically....)

          Tuesday, June 21, 2011

          FIN!

          I know just how late it is. I apologize, but there were SO many entries and the judges really took the time to dissect these six word nuggets of literary prowess. It was WAY harder than it looks. I must have read every entry ten times. Judge Wendy had much to say...most of it sounding something like: "That is not a six word STORY, it is a six word SENTENCE!  Big difference!" Judge Nate slogged through them all and weighed in with his unique perspective, and Judge Chris had to recuse himself as he posted up a few pearls of his own. "Internet is here. Wake Grandma. Fin" ?? Really??  Maybe.... (True story:  At one point tonight, this free form nonsensical piece of bullshit was actually in contention...no joke. I've got to tell you, if you read any of these six word configurations enough times, they all start to sound like they have some deep hidden meaning....it's scary. Thank God Judge Wendy brought us back to our collective senses.."Just because it says "fin" at the end doesn't make it a story...it's just six sassy words strung together...we have got to move on")   Needless to say, we went round and round on all 300 plus entries. Judge Wendy was beginning to lose her patience, and then, she actually lost her electricity, (HUGE storms in the Western suburbs with a massive power outage--Judge Wendy is freaking out because her auxiliary sump pump battery may run low and we all know what that can lead to...needless to say, judging six word stories are no longer at the top of her "to do") so, lucky for everyone, except Judge Wendy and her neighbors,  we just had to make some tough decision and bring this baby to a close. Also, Judge Nate left to go to Wingstop...judging a challenge of this magnitude really works up your appetite....

          So, after much deliberation, we have chosen the three top entries, and thus, determined the winner of the entire challenge. It was interesting, to say the least, seeing each contestant playing out their long term strategies. Judy and Tricia (especially Tricia) went for quantity all the way today. Stacy, once again, is playing the quality card. John as always jumped in first and set the bar high, in both quantity and quality, and Brenna provides a thoughtfulness to her entries that is quite compelling. Honestly, everyone of you did an excellent job! Again, I thank you all for participating in this literary challenge and for devoting some of your precious time to punching into the blog. This has been a very fun way for me to ease some of my anxiety about going back to school....actually, I have way more anxiety about leaving Posey home with her brothers and father....this could end badly in so many ways, that I have to stop dwelling on it or I will drive myself crazy  (Please, it takes a village...If any of you see her walking alone down Sheridan Road, or standing on the corner of 75th and 22nd Ave by herself, please pick her up and then drive directly to my house and smack every single male in sight....really hard. Then call me)

          So, again, thanks for the fun diversion. And most of all, please remember that this is a contest for fun and fellowship. Please don't hold a grudge if you are not THE winner (remember, only ONE winner tonight....sorry. I only have ONE prize) and if you are upset, please hold that grudge against Judge Wendy. She was the total stickler in this thing. I would have let everyone win...of course I would...I do promise that when I return from grad school, (even if I flunk out--it could happen) come this August, there will be a big old blog challenge reunion Beach Party at Casa McKeon  (fingers crossed that our new found beach has not been washed away by tonight's storm...), that will better than any necklace, bracelet or Burberry scarf.  So even if you are upset by tonight's results, just pretend like you are not, so you can come and suck down all the very famous, patented Dave McKeon Long Island's you can drink. I'm even hoping to get Young Studly Louis to come up...Beach Blanket McKeon will draw a crowd.

          With all of that preface, here are tonight's results. I must warn you, they kind of took on a life of their own as we analyzed and re analyzed these stories...First the quantity points which really had an impact on the whole challenge, but especially tonight.. (counting these up was time consuming, to say the least :
          Judy: 170, John: 156, Stacy: 40, Tricia: 264!!!, Brenna: 86.   Very excellent.

          Now, on to quality---for this last challenge, the judges split a possible 1000 points (the last challenge is ALWAYS worth the most) among the top three entries....now you know why this took so gd long...there are many ways to split 1000 points. But finally here is how it all played out...
          Numbers 2 and 3 tied and each entry received 250 points. Number one was awarded 500 points.  It was beyond crazy coming to this compromise but the Judges feel really good about their work. The two masterful second place entries were:
          2. John's "Man awakes. Chews off own arm." This was a consistent judge favorite because you can just see the story here....(not a very pretty story, but a pretty good story) John had some other great entries, too--("What is she like? Great personality"....was one of my favorites, but one sump pump obsessed judge just "couldn't see the story"...)  John, 250 points plus your quantity points=406 for the night...very, very impressive.

          2. Judy's "Shit! I married the wrong woman." was just excellent.  Again, great story, great emotion...cracked everyone up...(another Judy contender was "Your husband is a great kisser"...talk about a story...) As always, Judy brought the quality and quantity  420 total points for you tonight.

          1. And finally, in a very surprising come from behind win...with a very touching subtle entry (that honestly, given all of the entries from this author may have been blind luck--kind of like when John guessed my confirmation name) Tricia's : "In the end, she loved him". Read this one a few (hundred) times and it really is the best story of all...Who knew the judges would get so sappy at the end of this whole thing? Certainly not me.  This little story just kept growing on us and in the end, we loved it...that gives Tricia a ridiculous 764 points for tonight.

          To Kim and Stacy, we all mean this when we say that your entries were terrific (Stacy's "Love being a mom. Margaritas help" is a classic, and Brenna's "Love, a heart breaking emotional war" made everyone of us sigh, but both of these got aced out in the end...blame the sump pump. At one point, we were tempted to score five, but Judge Wendy brought us back to the rules...and for that we are thankful or we may still be going at it. ) Again, it was a real treat to read your stuff. Thanks again for participating and sharing your talents.

          For those of you who are not doing the math in your heads, the final scoreboard reveals that Tricia, yes, Tricia in a spectacular come from behind victory is our winner with 1315 total points...Way to go, Tricia. Excellent job. Quantity yielded quality and that, my friend resulted in a Tiffany necklace to match your very cool bracelet. Now all John has to do is get you the earrings and you are all set...

          Judy came in second with a whopping 1196 points and John was right behind with 1148 points. Once again, you two finish at the top.  Very well played.  It was another stellar challenge. Great entries, great comraderie and an awesome photo finish. Again, thanks to all who participated and thanks to all who popped in just to view the fun. Tricia, the necklace is ready and waiting for you. Congratulations and Contact me for delivery.

          Wish me luck as I re enter the world of Academia.  Let's hope it doesn't spit me right back out. I will try to keep you posted, but I should probably do my homework first....again, thanks to all. See you on the beach.

          Monday, June 20, 2011

          ACROSTIC FEVER

          When it rains, it pours. The acrostics were pouring in and they were dynamite. This was the most difficult challenge to score thus far. I kind of backed myself  into a corner by saying I was only going to pick the top three because there were many, many worthy entries. BUT because I must abide by my own rules, three it is. Judge Wendy is ready to kill me because, as opposed to last night, she had like ten entries she loved. The boys weighed in and also had a tough time picking just three...Kudos to Stacy.  The tough love speech really paid off. She significantly picked up the pace, and the judges responded accordingly. Now, if I could just get that speech to work on Pete McKeon....

          Before I release the results from tonight, I just want to say how much once again I've enjoyed this competition. You guys have a wealth of literary/wordy skills and I'm so glad you shared them with the blog. These last two challenges are the toughest and because of that, they will be scored accordingly. As the numbers come in, things may be in a little bit of flux. Stay steady and everything will be just fine. Keep posting up your best efforts and trust the judges...(or blame the judges...but not just me)

          Here are tonight's quantity points and they are still being doubled: John 12, Judy 30!, Stacy 20!!, Tricia 10 and Brenna 6. Again, so many of the entries were great, but we were only allowed to pick the top three. After much deliberation, and I mean much deliberation, here are the top three acrostics of the night. And the scoring rubric has been adjusted accordingly...things are getting very interesting...
          Number 3: Tricia's Tony Bennett acrostic--very well done. 100==your total 110
          Number 2: Kim/Brenna's Sammy Davis Jr. one--any acrostic that contains the line "I'm a one eyed negro jew" is a winner with the judges. 200 points in honor of the one eyed negro jew a whopping 206 for you tonight. (though I must admit, my head was just a little turned by the Laurie McKeon one...)
          Number 1: Stacy, Stacy, Stacy--All of your entries were quality and the judges actually were fighting over which one of yours should be ranked number 1--Chris fought for the Cat Stevens one, Nate was partial to St. Nicholas, but Judge Wendy declared that the St. Martha one was the undisputed champ (she's a little partial to those who clean up alot) See what happens when you listen to your mother and put in a little extra effort? (Oh, sorry, I mixed you up with Pete for a second)--You walk away with 320 points that's what. AND you are so in contention for a beautiful Tiffany necklace.

          Oh, and by the way, Larry Sanchez, man of the 50s, your acrostic was beautiful, but it was posted just a little too late...otherwise, Larry, you would have been a contender.....

          Man, this competition is getting REALLY intense. John, Judy and Stacy are within a few points of each other and Brenna and Tricia are not too far behind.This really is anyone's challenge to win. A first place showing by anyone of you will bring home the bacon...(necklace) Between my nerves about going back to school AND the stress of this competition, I actually could only eat ONE candy bar today.... We need to wrap this thing up so I can go back to my candy hogging ways...and possibly get my homework done so I don't flunk out of school the first week.

          Now, here is the final challenge. I've been building up to this the entire competition. It is a super tough one and I'm going to admit that I stole the concept from Ernest Hemingway.  He said that you could write a story in six words. Here was his example: "Baby shoes for sale. Never worn."  --pretty great, right? Sends a chill or two. And it is so freaking good that I can't even think up an example of my own....except: "Text books for sale. Never read"....just kidding. So, this is it, for all the marbles, Write a story in six words. That's it...It can be on any topic of your choice. Just make it good. And please, original work only....if you cheat on this one, we will hunt you down like the lying scumbag you are...  Please get all entries in by five pm and may the best six word story win....I mean it, I'm super nervous about this challenge and I'm not even a competitor. Good, good, very good luck. I can't wait to see how this shakes out.

          Again, no top ten, because I just need to get this thing posted...Tomorrow night it will all be over

          Sunday, June 19, 2011

          EIGHT DOWN, TWO TO GO!

          There are only two challenges left, my friends, and to be quite frank, there may only be two challengers left...I did a little high level math this weekend and tallied every one's total scores. (nice practice for grad school) As Brenna so accurately pointed out, John and Judy are battling to the finish. However, I would like to give a little lecture to our friend Stacy....You are killing me. You are like the Pete McKeon of this challenge...all of the potential to win big, but only willing to do the bare minimum...(Pete is the king of the 93.5 average...just enough for an A, just enough to keep me off of his ass...) One entry a day, Stacy?....Really?? You can't muster up a few more sentences each night? I'm not asking for the Magna Carta here...just a few freaking lines...Your stuff is top shelf, but you are getting killed in the quantity category. Judy and John are prolific and they are cleaning up just with sheer volume. You're an engineer for crying out loud, you should know that this is a numbers game....Ok, sorry about the tirade...you know I'm only saying this because I love you, Stacy. So, in order to level it out, and make things just a little more interesting, for these last two challenges. I am only awarding the top three places...then, when Stacy sends in her solo perfect entry, she won't be penalized. However, quantity points will still be awarded, so those who make the effort will get their due...(you have no idea how hard I work to make this all fair..ish.) And in the name of fairness, I am warning you, the last challenge, which will be posted tomorrow, is totally awesome and will go for ginormous points. So, for everyone, stay in the hunt and stay tuned....

          Before posting the results from the last challenge and giving the scoring status report, I'm going to fill you in on my Happy Father's Day...but first, let me tell you what I got for Mother's Day...NOTHING--that's right, no one gd thing, except a pretty cool vase made out of paper from Posey (complete with paper flowers) and some toast in bed, also made by Posey. The rest of the shids did nothing, that's right...nothing....and they wonder why Posey is my favorite. Like it's even close....Sure, I wasn't expecting anything too awesome, coming off of the trip to Great Britain and the Longchamp palooza, but still, a little something for the effort would have been nice...whatever....

          Now, flash forward to Dave McKeon's Happy Father's Day: first Posey and I whipped up a gourmet high protein breakfast, then, while Dave sat in the big leather chair and watched the US Open (won by my future son in law Rory McIlroy---Rory, please call Annie McKeon today...her mom will make her marry you) his faithful wife trekked to Sam's Club to stock up for the month she will be gone. I saw both Stacy AND Tina Lampe there.  Sam's Club...the place to be on Father's Day...and they can both attest to the massive amounts of total and absolute shit in my cart(s). It was a two flat bed, one cart, four figure trip...Who knew bagel bites were so expensive? For the next month my kids will be living on bottled water, green tea, diet soda, bagel bites (millions of them), bacon, kit kats, snickers, twix, fruit by the foot, microwave popcorn, chips, bananas and strip steak. (Maybe it was a mistake taking Chris and Pete with me to "pick out" the food) Oh, and I bought some eggs (like 5 dozen) for Dave "4 hr body" McKeon.

          Then, Dave McKeon went out and played golf with his four sons, (only nine holes because after a while their shidiocy starts to get on his nerves...understandably so) while his wife put away ALL the junk food and he came home for a nice steak dinner (high protein all the way). Then he opened (using this term loosely because the boys refuse to wrap gifts and just put them in a big bag with a bow on it) many fine, fine gifts including but not limited to two golf shirts from St. Andrews, some shorts that actually fit his slimmer physique, some Brooks Brothers non iron shirts (can never get enough of these essentials), and some golf stuff....I always come through. Once again, wife of the year...Happy Father's Day...

          Now, enough about us, on to the challenge. Nice job by John and Judy, many great allusions and just a plethora of entries. These two really cleaned up tonight, because of the quantity of entries. Please, Stacy, Sue, Tricia and Brenna, don't let this become a two man competition. The points will keep increasing for these last two challenges....Let's jump on this.  OK, enough with the rambling lectures, let's score this bad boy...(In the interest of full disclosure, Judge Wendy didn't like any of these allusions, and to be honest, she hated the whole challenge and kept saying things like: "I don't get this one" "What is Kodachrome?" "Why would there be zeros at a Star Trek Convention?"....so the judging is a little skewed...sorry..).
          Quantity points--remember, these were doubled: Judy 68, John 20, Tricia 8, Stacy 2...on to quality
          Number 10: John for the Junior College/Obama entry...10 points
          Number 9:  John for the Catholic School one--20 points--I'm feeling your pain--20 points
          Number 8--Judy for the "McGill is the Harvard of Canada". I don't know why, but it made me laugh...30 points
          Number 7--Judy for the 7th grade nun/Sybil one--40 points
          Number 6--John for the "more zeros than a Star Trek convention.." I thought this was VERY funny--50 points
          Number 5: Judy for the "McKeon Sanford and sons" one--60 points
          Number 4: Tricia for the "Carl/Giuliani's kid" one--70 points
          Number 3 Judy for the "smoking weed/Pat Boone/snoop dog one...for some reason this made me laugh pretty hard--80 points
          Number 2:: John for rhe "Calc 3/Louis" entry--super well done and way to come full circle with the blog. 90 big points for you
          Number 1: Stacy, Stacy, Stacy--everyone LOVED the Martha Stewart/Laurie McKeon allusion...it was flat out great and gave you...100 points...102 with your doubled up quantity points...just think how many points you could have had if you'd only had a few more entries....ok, ok, I'll stop already...

          Now for today's totals AND real time total competition totals thus far:
          Judy: 278 for today--a new blog record and just a shit load of points bringing your total to--746!!! and you are currently in first place....
          John: 190 for today, excellent work AND you are right behind Judy with 730 points...this is going to be a flat out duel...I'm excited to see how this cliff hanger ends
          Stacy: 102 for tonight and 463 total--you are still in this hunt, sister. Trust me...the next two challenges are HUGE and will be judged accordingly
          Tricia: 78 for tonight and 441 total points--again, still well within striking distance. Keep it up.
          Kim/Brenna: no entry for tonight but 301 total points--you are still in this and have been a valiant competitor. stay with me, here
          Sue: 110 total points---I'm going to have to level with you...it's going to be tough for you to take this, but not impossible....big points will be awarded for being first in the next two challenges, Two first place entries, and that necklace is yours....the real question is: how badly do you want it???
          Kristi and JoeL: you both started strong, but then faded....you have 31 and 21 points respectively...not an impossible  victory, but .....(I should make some sort of allusion here, but really can't muster one up, as I've moved on to the next challenge...) So, that's the tally board as of tonight. The next two challenges will make or break the contest for you all. I'm on the edge of my seat....

          Here is tonight's challenge: Create an acrostic poem (one of those that spells out a name going down and then has a line starting with each letter describing the name) about either a 50s, 60s 70s ish lounge singer OR a Catholic saint.  (with all the great info you learned in the Holy and Lowly contest, this should be a piece of cake) Here is an example:
          L-oves sequins
          I-nteraction with the fans made him beloved
          B-orn in West Allis, Wisconsin
          E-lizabeth the Queen was a fan
          R-epublican, believe it or not
          A-crimonious split from his "body guard/boyfriend"
          C-andelabra was his signature prop
          E-ntertainer who was paid the most during the 50s-70s (according to wikipedia)

          There you go. This shouldn't be too hard, ...should it, Stacy?  Remember, Judge Wendy is ready for something really clever, as she was none to happy with my last challenge.  Let's make her happy....

          I'd do a top ten, but I've GOT to get this thing posted...I've got some homework to do...

          Friday, June 17, 2011

          RIP REAL FAKE HOUSEWIVES

          Man, I think this was my favorite challenge. These epitaphs were hysterical. I was LMAO!! Let's just cut to the the chase...John was ridiculously good at this. I mean crazy good. I would totally have him write my epitaph, if I didn't already have it all set. (In case you all were wondering, and you know you were, here is my own self created personal epitaph--and I'm only a little kidding: "She was clean"--that's all I want it to say. It's enough and sums up very succinctly the essence of my whole existence. Judge Wendy's will say "She was REALLY clean"...and after you stop crying over our tragic demise, and marvelling at our perfect epitaphs, then you can throw our ashes into Torch Lake with the rest of our family...Please don't tell the Michigan DNR--or the Catholic church for that matter--because both of these bureaucracies seem to  frown on the whole practice of disposing of  human ashes into nature..pfft--it's been done before--once or twice.  Someday I will share with you all of the shameful details of the time that Dave McKeon was trying to unobtrusively dispose of some Giunti family ashes into Torch Lake while pedalling a powder blue paddle boat in the pouring rain---just get the visual. It was like a scene from a Zach Galafinakas movie...Once again, is it any surprise that the Giunti family could totally bitch up what should have been a very touching, solemn, respectful moment?)

          Before I tally today's scores, I must relay that I had the pleasure of meeting John and Tricia's oldest daughter today. She is just lovely and noted that her parents really enjoyed the blog. I was touched by her comments. and assume she takes after her mother, because during our entire conversation (I was laying on a chaise lounge next to the pool--my standard summer pose) she did not utter a single word of profanity OR a right wing diatribe. It is very refreshing to see such a polite, well mannered, well spoken young person (Don't I sound like someone's eighty year old grandma?? I swear, I have totally become that old lady who is constantly chiding "these kids today" and reminiscing about "back when I was a girl...."--seriously, just this morning I had like an hour long conversation with my friend Casey about "back when I was a kid no one was driving me anywhere in the summer. If I couldn't ride my bike, I didn't go. And no grown up ever gave a shit about keeping me amused in the summer....ever....we spent our whole summer ducking the adults so that no one could make us mow the lawn or weed the yard...blah, blah, blah...") But anyhow, nice work, Heinzmanns, your daughter is aces. Tell her to keep those iced teas coming and she will be rewarded handsomely. 

          Here is the next little side note I want to get out there. (just delaying the scoring inevitability) Did anyone else read the latest GQ? You really should because it is honestly one of the best, funniest magazines ever printed. But in this month's edition, they have a quiz to determine if you are a p*$$&-- no lie.  It is crazy funny, but I do need to point out--I totally invented the whole "You know you are a p*$$& if..." thing. You know it's true.  I don't mind GQ stealing my stuff, but I do hope that all of you will set the record straight, should somebody ask "Hey, who started this whole p*$$& mania?" Because we all know that it was me...or really, it was Dave McKeon... After this latest challenge I will once again return to my roots and start quoting the always cutting edge Dave McKeon.  If it's good enough for GQ, hell yes, it's good enough for me.

          Now, without further delay ( I swear, I need some adderal to keep me focused) here are tonight's results: Quantity points first: John and Judy--each get 20, Tricia 6, Stacy 4, Brenna and Sue each get 2. That's the easy part. Now, I have to score the quality ...this is going to get a little crazy, but I must adhere to the rules---Really clean judge Wendy is making me--so here are the top ten starting with number 10
          Number 10: John's "Makeover in Peace, Ramona"---so funny, and pretty impressive for a non Housewife watcher  10 points
          Number 9: John's "Profanity, R rated" long one--20 points
          Number 8: John's "Bethany Frankel, size 4 bikini one" --30 points--I'm sorry, but the judges call them like they see them and John was scarily good at this challenge
          Number 7: Tricia's "Ramona the Flake"--so,so  funny-- 40 points
          Number 6: Kim's "Mob wives"--it was quite well done, but Judge Wendy docked you a few spots because the Mob Wives are really not "Real Housewives"--actually, you should probably feel pretty good about NOT knowing much about these psychos...so enjoy your 50 points.
          Number 5: Judy Pulera's " Been there, Done that"--funny, right to the point and worth 60 big points
          Number 4: Suechi's "Housewives/no morals one" --strong, solid message. A surprising pick of the male judges--70 points for this one
          Number 3: Stacy's "insides real, outsides have had some work" one--Stacy never fails to impress the judges. And in reply to John's request for speed points, I just have to say...sorry, that was the last contest. Everyone has a strategy and this is Stacy's. Let the game play out as it will...80 points for her
          Number 2: Tricia's "Countess LuAnn"--this was my personal favorite--I hate that big phony Countess (Also, Tricia--loved the Kyle Richards one, too...you and John should go into the epitaphs business...) 90 points for this effort
          Number 1: A big, big hit with Judge Wendy and the boys (and Brenna, too,) John's "Al Quada" one.--this was just very solid work, making some terrific word choices and adding a few verses went a long way. 100 whopping points for John. The Heinzmann's totally cleaned up tonight. All Heinzmann all day....Way to tag team today's challenge. Well played.
          For those of you who aren't keeping track in your heads of tonight's total point break down (basically for everyone except Stacy) Here is how tonight shook out:
          John: 180 points---super impressive score tonight. But the pressure is on to keep up this high level of performance.  Three challenges to go.  Can he sustain it??
          Tricia: 136 points--a great night's work. Way to keep John on his toes.
          Stacy: 84 points for you--always a good effort. Now's the time to turn up the heat.
          Sue: 72 points---nice to have you back in the hunt. There is still plenty of time to take over this thing.
          Judy: 80 total points for you. Let's bring it home in style. I have no doubt that you will kick to the finish.
          Brenna: 52 points for tonight--sorry about the technicality, but you made your mark last night, and I'm sure you will do it again.

          Now, here is tonight's challenge and remember, no post for tomorrow. So you have almost two full days to get your entries in....Please write a sentence or phrase about school (very timely for me) that includes an allusion. For those of you who do not recall what an allusion is, allow me to refresh your recollection: an allusion is a reference to a famous person or event in life or literature like:  The Ohio State University is like the Gomer Pyle of the Big Ten or His study habits resembled those of Huck Finn...or something like that. This should be interesting because allusion can be tricky. Please refrain from stealing shit off of the internet....this contest is all about original work. Thank you.

          To kick off your weekend, Here are today's Top Ten:
          1. GQ's article about that 22 year old who pretended to be a high school sophomore
          2. Rory McIlroy--just amazing...I want him to win the US Open
          3. Congressional Country Club--wish I was hanging out at that club---it's just beautiful
          4. White jeans---for chicks.  Sorry, but only a few dudes can carry this look off--odds are you are not one of them. Trust me on this.
          5. The medium stainless steel buckets from Hobby Lobby---they have a million uses and cost like $3.99
          6. The Cubs--beat the Yankees today--nice start to the weekend
          7. Babalot Tennis Racquet's--used by Nadal (and the McKeon boys)
          8. The Boston Bruins--way to keep the cup in the US
          9. The 'smores creme brulee at Ashlings on the Lake--they hardly ever have it, but it is life changing
          10. The p*$$& quiz in GQ--read it today.
          Remember, no challenge tomorrow--hone your allusions and post them up. Enjoy the weekend, Happy almost Father's Day.