Happy fat ass Birthday to me

Hey, hey, hey. I hope you all like the new look. I must say, looking at the photo up top, the shids are alright....(I've been dying to say that for like a month now) Chris put in a few hours over break and slicked it up a bit. We still have a way to go, but I must admit, I am rather fond of the ticker that counts the total number of page views, because IT IS OVER 3000. 3000 is way more than 2000 (by like 1000) and that seems pretty damn impressive to me. I will admit, we are no where near Mark the Shark territory, but hey,  now that we have the public ticker, maybe we will all feel some communal responsibility for making it move. There is nothing wrong with hitting this blog one, two, ten or twenty times in a day. Just to see the ticker move...

I wasn't going to mention anything but today is my birthday ( it really is, I'm not just saying it)....and while there is no need to send gifts, greetings or even acknowledge this special day, there is one thing you can all do for me to make my birthday so very memorable...Just hit the shit out of this blog. Seriously, bang on it all day long, several times a day and let's see just how high that ticker can go. Get your friends and  co-workers to log in, make your kids hit it as part of their community service requirement for school. If you have to, use it as a punishment. ("Hey, you didn't make your bed today...you get on Mrs. McKeon's blog, right now, young man and make that ticker move"), I really don't think it's too much to ask. I've been holding up my end of the blogosphere. So please, just for today, on this, my happy, happy Birthday, I just want to see the ticker move...A LOT! I thank you in advance for your cooperation. (And if this blog gets posted rather late in the day, just keep hitting on it well into tomorrow....it's the thought that counts).

Sorry about Saturday's little tirade...It is just so painful to watch Notre Dame suck it up on the football field. Don't worry, I am over it. I am not going to punch Mark May in the head...(this week).... and I have resigned myself to another 6 and 6 season. On a positive note, tickets and parking passes are plentiful. And, there is no team so bad that a high octane tailgate can't make better. And high octane tailgates seem to be our specialty. On to the Tulsa game....

Today's topic: Me being a fat ass. Christmas is just two months off and I am starting to worry (not about shopping. Remember, my shids are big and Santa brings cash and gift cards for everyone except Posey--all I have to worry about is what gift can I give my mother-in-law that she will hate even more than last year's gift. It's a challenge, but I seem to be able to top myself, year after year....). I just read somewhere that the average person gains five pounds over the holidays.  Couple that with the very disturbing statistic that people over forty gain an average of 2 pounds a year and never take it off. We all know that I am WAY above average, and slightly over forty, so basically, I am destined to be a total fat ass....Actually, I have indeed become, a total fat ass. This is not new news to me....I've been feeling it coming on for a few years now, and have somehow reached a state of maximum density and critical mass that is making even me uncomfortable. And here is the worry... Before the holiday season hits, before all of my pants get too tight to wear, I need to make a preemptive strike, bite the bullet and go on a diet.

Now, let me give you a little history. I am not a good dieter.  AT ALL. Furthermore, I am not a great eater. As a matter of fact, I am probably the world's crappiest eater. Allow me to illuminate my dietary lifestyle through some actual quotes by people who know me:

• "Laurie is like a new born baby...she has to eat every two hours or she starts to cry"--Dave McKeon
• "One day, you are going to wake up and weigh three hundred pounds"--my mom, after I ate an entire one pound box of Fannie May chocolate covered caramels in one sitting that she brought to me when we lived in Ohio. They are the best caramels.
• "You eat like a four year old"--my mother in law
• "Your mother-in-law is right, you really do eat like a four year old"--Kerri Gapinski, after seeing me root through her office looking for candy
• " I have never seen a food journal like this before. I can't believe you can live on this shit"--Shane Frazier, boot camp guru. When I very first started boot camp, we were supposed to do a food log. My food log always had stuff on it like: 120 swedish fish, 3 big kit kat bars, a whopper junior with cheese...etc.
• "I have never seen a woman eat so much food in my life"--Dr. Tom Ambro
• "Somebody better order some food or Laurie's going to get really cranky--and you know she's going to want dessert"--Wendy Nickels
• "OK. let me get this straight, you want one of every dessert on the room service menu? Coming right up, Mrs, McKeon"--the room service waiter at the Ritz in Chicago--this is a true story
• "Once, when I got up to go to the bathroom, Laurie ate the rest of my dinner"--Nancy Joyce. This is also a true story. We were at our country club in Mansfield at some golf banquet thing and I was really hungry. I did ask her if she was going to finish the rest of her steak before I ate it...
• "The only person in the history of the Mansfield Art Center Holiday Fair who ever asked for seconds was Laurie McKeon"--Judy Bemiller, Holiday Fair Chairperson, 1995
• "The only person to ever ask for a second steak at the University Club Steak Dinner was Laurie McKeon" --Eric Snyder, University Club President 
• "Do not leave your Halloween candy out where my mom can see it, or she will eat all of your candy, except the black licorice"--Posey McKeon
• "There is not enough candy in this house. Can you stop on your way home from work and buy a couple of big Caramellos?"--Laurie McKeon to the ever patient candy enabler, Dave McKeon

So, it is true. I eat a lot and I eat an enormous amount of crap. I eat candy EVERY single day, I love red meat, I love eggs, bacon, a good cheeseburger, all types of candy (except black licorice) and any dessert that is not made from vegetables (do not try to pass off pumpkin, spice or zucchini  cake as dessert,-- it is not, unless it has chocolate chips and is covered in frosting) I eat a lot of sugar, and I was not exaggerating when I said a few posts ago that I ate nine red velvet cupcakes in 24 hours. I really did. And that is not really abnormal for me. On Sunday, I ate three Hesheys Bars with almond (regular sized,  not the tiny ones,) left over cookie dough, popcorn with butter, a cheeseburger from the Spot, some pastene soup (this was the only decent thing I ate all day) and three pieces of dairy queen cake. And probably a bunch more junk, but this is what I can remember.

The point that I am trying to make is that I am unaccustomed to limiting my food intake. I am a bad dieter and until the past few years, was by and large, able to keep my fat ass in check by running on a regular basis. I gained the freshman ten just like everyone else in college, but once I started running, it went away. I gained weight during each pregnancy, but then trained and ran a marathon after each kid. I could pretty  much lose the baby weight and still each a bunch of crap, which seemed to be a manageable plan that worked well for a slacker like me. However, a few years ago, when I noticed my jeans were sticking to me in unflattering places, I started to up my running mileage. (and I bought some new jeans). But, it didn't work...I remained a burgeoning fat ass....shiiitttt....So, then I tried a few diety type things.

•  I started boot attending camp, and thought that having to keep a food log may shame me into curbing my caloric intake. It didn't. I love the work out, but still eat like a four year old...shiiittt
• I ordered three months worth of Nutrisystem meals to be delivered to my house. They tasted like ass and I only lasted one day. Dave McKeon ate the rest of them because they were already paid for (I wanted to donate them to the Shalom Center, but really couldn't do that to the homeless people.) Dave lost 20 pounds...I did not...shiiitttt...
• I read that South Beach diet book-- But knew that even if I ate a steak every day, I could not be tricked into thinking that ricotta cheese and splenda was a dessert.....I'm fat, not stupid
• I entered the Biggest Loser competition at Kenosha Body Boot Camp and was the only contestant to actually gain weight...I guess I eat under pressure...shiitt
• I logged into Weight Watcher's on line and tried that point system thing on line....WAY too much work
• I solicited diet advice from family and friends and heard things like: "Drink more water," " Only eat soup", "You need to do a cleanse" "If you just drink coffee the pounds fly off" and my personal favorite, from my sister Wendy: "Jesus, just stop eating like a pig..."

So, here is the bottom line. As of today, my Happy, Happy, Birthday, I am going on my version of a diet. It won't be pretty, and it probably won't be healthy, but it can't be any unhealthier than the way I've been eating for most of my adult life.  My goal is to lose ten pounds by Christmas.  I think that is possible. I've thought a lot about this and I'm seriously going to give it a shot...Here's where you all come in: I am hoping that by making this VERY public proclamation, I will somehow overcome my dieting deficiencies and actually drop some damn weight. It would be great if a few of you chose to join me in my quest--like a support group or something. Let's ALL try to lose ten pounds by Christmas. Better yet, let's all try to lose ten pounds by the week BEFORE Christmas, so that we can eat back five pounds and still be a net five.  I like this plan, and am happy to be a part of it. No pressure though. If you do not want to join in this Fit Club, and I really can't blame you,  possibly you could send encouraging words, tips, pointers or strategies. And hey, for all of you haters out there, or those of you just looking for some fun and entertainment, feel free to try and sabotage my efforts by sending some tasty treats and candy my way. Either way...I win (Laurie McKeon--always thinking....)


After some deliberation, Here is my plan: When I post, I will give you a poundage lost report--nothing big, no drama, no ticker, just a little update and any other relevant dieting news.... I promise I will be honest...I may be a crap eater, but I'm no liar...so, if I never drop a pound...I will totally confess...Hey, I already confessed that I am afraid of raccoons, It's hardly like I'm holding back here..OK, may be I am holding back a little..., of course I am not going to tell you what I weigh, but I will regularly tell you what I lost. That's all I will focus on....dropping the pounds. My strategy will be pretty old school: calories in less than calories out...no points, no cleanses, no weirdo food,  no books, maybe some soup. That's pretty much it. Along with those sage words of wisdom to "just stop eating like a pig"...I think that could do the trick. I'll keep you posted...(get it, posted...by posting on my  blog....shit, the hunger is already getting to me.....)And for all of you young men who don't give one hot rat's ass about my 10 pound battle...Don't stop reading...I am updating the p*ssy list later this week....it never ends....just ask Dave McKeon....and here's a sneak preview...Jay Cutler tops the list....

Today's Happy Birthday Top Ten:

1. Becky Miller--the first one to wish me a Happy Birthday today
2. The North Face half zip polar fleece from Nordstroms--comes in many colors, keeps a girl warm
3. Uncle Dan's in Highland Park--great selection of outwear
4. The boy and girl dancing wind up toys from Uncle Dan's.  They can totally bust a move and make me laugh for hours. They are awesome, you really have to see them. Ask Kim Westphal
5. Central Cafe in Highland Park--the very best fries EVER. They are owned by the same people who  own Carlos' in Highwood, but it's way more casual. Great lunch menu (Obviously,they will not be seeing my fat ass until AFTER the  holidays)
6. The green and white Dartmouth stocking cap that Nate and Jack were fighting over...it's super old school, because it's super old...it was Dave's when he was at Dartmouth and is pretty sweeett...
7. My boys' extraordinarily clean closet...That's all I wanted for my birthday, was for them to clean out their closets...11 garbage bags later...Happy Birthday to me...
8. Judy Pulera--She always sends the best Birthday cards, including the timeless classic: "Where's the party at, Bitch"--I guess you have to see it to appreciate it.
9. Soup--I'm going to be eating a lot of it
10. Kristi Ambro--she knows why