A BIG blog welcome to the Ault family--all the way from Dubai, which is VERY far away and now makes my blog totally international. Also, Pia Ault has a blog of her own called "Life in the Sandbox" about her family's adventures living in Dubai. I looked it up yesterday and, it's pretty major: First of all, her blog has a great background and many interesting photos...from Dubai....and all of these other cool places that they have visited...in person.... Even if I knew how to insert photos, they would only be of my shidiot kids (Adult ADD digression alert: Jack made his confirmation yesterday and I have a picture of him where it looks like the Archbishop is PUNCHING him. I so wish I could insert it, because it makes me laugh my ass off every time I look at it...) or the cement block foundation of my sister Wendy's new house (I am shamelessly including her name in EVERY single post, so that I am her all time favorite who will not be denied access to the summer house...) Pia's latest post (with photos) was about them trekking through Nepal, ...the real Nepal, like in the Himalayas...I'm serious. How the hell do I compete with that? First that goddamn Mark Titus and his tryout with the Harlem Globetrotters and now this? The only trek I've made is walking up and down the bleachers at Horlick Field during Jack's football game on Saturday...(Well, they were kind of steep--and it was kind of dangerous because the Racine County Juvenile Detention Center---aka--future home of Pete McKeon--- was right down the street...) However, I will be trekking to Target later to buy some boxers for the boys...it's just like Nepal....Shiiiittt. I have GOT to stop looking at other people's blogs. It's so demoralizing.
I would also like to personally thank Patty and Joe Laken for signing up as followers of the blog separately, thus inflating my numbers. Smart thinking...(not to worry, Mike and Katie Casper, I'll take you together or a part--at least you guys signed on...and with a very cute photo, I might add...) I am all about the numbers, because, as I have blatantly admitted all along, I am totally trolling for a book deal. I'm not sure how this blog somehow morphs into a book deal, (which might be good information to know--but again, like I'm ever going to figure that out....I CAN'T CHANGE THE BACKGROUND ON MY OWN BLOG) but I firmly believe with all of my heart and soul that the black magic of the cyberworld will make my book dream deal come true. ... I think it has something to do with the number of hits and followers you have. so, I truly appreciate every single follower out there....Feel free to sign on twice under an assumed name...The "Shit my Father Says" guy got a book deal AND a TV series, from a goddamn twitter following so it's obviously not impossible...improbable, sure, but not impossible
And since I've now seen two other blogs, I am majorly appreciative of every single follower even more so, because I realize now, that all of you could actually be reading some legitimately interesting shit (as opposed to the crap I write)...However, I'm not even going to pretend that my blog will EVER have any real knowledge or opinions about anything global, highbrow, educational or even remotely related to Dubai, Nepal, the European Union, Trade deficits, Peace in the Middle East (I'm for it, by the way) or even the Harlem Globetrotters because.. I really don't get out that much....and I don't know anyone cool and famous...and as we all know, I can't even change the goddamn background on my own blog...so, let's just be perfectly clear on what you're getting here...Words on a page...that's all I can do. Words on a page....and not particularly smart words at that...just lots of them...And I can only hope, with the fervor of a seventeenth century virgin martyr, (left over Confirmation talk..) that words on a page will be enough to some day capture the ever elusive book deal...
(Long Digression--feel free to skip down to today's topic...it won't hurt my feelings, I'm already getting credit for your blog traffic) I have long held the deep down desire to publish a book. (not just write a book, that would just be stupid and kind of pointless...I want to get paid for it....not a lot, just some legitimate, currency exchanging hands...) This is true. In my freshman year of college, one of my professors made us write about our family's best Christmas tradition...For those of you who know my family, you will not be surprised to hear that the only thing I could come up with to write about was my family's awful habit of melting down into a huge squawking, fighting mob every Holiday season.(my parents were so proud)..I only got a B on the paper, but somehow it got published in the Notre Dame student magazine. I found that I rather liked seeing my words in print...As a matter of fact, at my most recent college reunion, Bridget Sly (a fellow ND alumnae) remembered my holiday essay and said: "I always thought that you would write a book some day". Flash forward a few years...In 1993, the year we moved to Duluth, Minnesota ( just like Dubai...only 200 degrees colder) I began the tradition of writing our annual Christmas letter, full of high spirited prose about my family and their mildly amusing antics....It appeared to be a crowd pleaser, and again, people would say: "Oh, you should write a book"... Of course, I realize that these people were just being nice but I did have the delusional hope that somehow, some way, my Christmas letter would fall into the hands of a kindly publisher who would make me an offer to write a charming, witty anecdote laden book.....Shocker...that never happened...(It did however --via my friend and follower Sue Chiappetta-- fall into the hands of an ex Notre Dame cheerleader that I never met who picked me out of the crowd at an ND tailgater and could accurately name all of my kids, and their ages...thus besting my mother-in-law, who once asked at a family function while pointing to Nate "Which one is this?")...life continues....blah, blah, blah..time passes, many Christmas letters, still no book deal...then, .a few years ago, I was chosen to write a monthly column for the internationally acclaimed Kenosha News, at the hightly competitive salary of $50 a column (Dave McKeon's comment: "No offense, Laurie, but that $50 doesn't even cover your diet Dr. Pepper habit for a week."). I will admit that some where in the deep recesses of my soul, I was secretly hoping that this would be my big break. People with publishing connections surely read newspapers...every day...it's their business....somebody, some where, would love "my writing style" (haha, like I have one) and offer me a three book deal, front loaded with a signing bonus big enough to pay for a month's supply of Diet Dr. Pepper (see, I'm not really looking to hit the pay window very hard, just a little compensation for the effort). I know you will find this VERY hard to believe, but that did not happen....At all... Ever. Moreover, when my two year commitment to the News was over, they totally gave me the bum's rush...without so much as a "good luck,you sorry hack"--no, I'm not bitter.... (Some day, I will attach all of my Kenosha News columns to this blog...once somebody --and I'm talking to you, Kim Westphal, shows me how...). So, honestly, this is my last chance, this is it. This pathetic, photoless, bird flying backgrounded blog has to parlay me into the big time book deal realm--and I am not too proud to do it on the backs of you, my loyal followers. And I mean that in the nicest possible way...Spread the word., please...Don't make me beg..
Man, this was one long-ass digression....sorry, ...hope most of you skipped it...In summary--take aways from this digression: 1. I've wanted a book deal for a really long time, 2. I am the world's biggest one trick pony, as I am only able to write about my stupid, shid crazy family...(which could possibly explain the lack of book deal)
Today's topic..(provided you have lived long enough to make it through that intro)..is all about the Periodical...you know, magazines..I am a big reader and would read all the live long day if I could, and while I love books, (another post, another day) I am also a HUGE fan of the magazine. As every parent/chauffeur knows, the magazine with its nugget sized articles makes for perfect reading when your day consists of continual half hour loops between school, the orthodontist, soccer, play practice, the dry cleaners, Pick and Save, tennis lessons and rehab (physical, not drug...yet...) In total disclosure, I subscribe to a fat ton of magazines....some better than others. And one of the many perks in my line of work (not blogger, but my real job as livery service to doctor's/dentist and hair appointments...) I have the opportunity to sample many, many magazines that are not delivered to my door..below are some fine local establishments and how their magazine selections stacks up:
- The Flair:--Great selection of slick gossip mags, (including OK, which I would never buy, but will totally read covertly) some upscale Decor ones, and a few more intellectual choices...I have been known to "borrow" a magazine or two from here, when in the middle of an article....I stole my first GQ from the Flair...sorry, Susie Fani.....
- Dr. John Crawford's office--Has a few too many cheerleading and fishing magazines, over all a good well rounded selection of the basics, with SI, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, etc...but nothing that I would want to steal....(Also, has a random Tremper year book....what's up with that?)
- Pediatric Dentistry--Selection similar to Crawford's office, but I once got sucked into a Midwest Living Magazine, because it was listing the top 10 midwest beaches....and no, I did not steal it...(our orthodontist in Shaker Heights had the most unbelievable assortment of magazines--I put braces on all of my kids just to have the chance to sit in his fancy office and scroll through his periodicals on a weekly basis...)
- National Pride Auto Center---A little skewed toward the Car and Driver set...not unexpected, but also has back issues of Esquire and Men's Health, which though heavy on the Jessica Beil photos, are always interesting,.... somewhat disturbing, but interesting....However, I think the mechanics must oogle Timberlake's woman during slow times, as the magazine seem a little "oily"....
- United Hospital's Physical Therapy Lobby---Nothing notable here...just a lot of Redbooks and a few Good Housekeepings. There was one Runner's World, but I stole it..."How to Lose 5, 10 or 20 pounds? " I couldn't pass it up....sorry, now their selection really sucks
- United Hospital Lab Lobby---way too many "large print" magazines.Also, way too many old people reading those magazines and hogging two seats with their canes, walkers, and oxygen tanks (this is why I did not go into health care...the sick people) I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I'm sure everyone there is getting tested for swine flu or scabies...
- Lakeside Pediatrics--fine, fine doctors, the world's best office manager (shout out to Tina Lampe), Annie's summer employer, but seriously, the worst magazine selection I have EVER seen..The only magazines they have are those free ones that must come from Children's Services...Modern Parent, and Working Mother,...those kinds... and while I'm sure the intent is to force a certain client demographic to actually read these publications and subliminally pick up some parenting knowledge from them, what is really happening is that the other portion of their client base (me, with Health insurance and a checking account) is pissed off because all that's left to read is a chewed on 1983 hard back copy of "Horton Hears a Whoooo". Bring a Book..or you will be forced to make eye contact with moms who graduated from high school with Annie....
- People--it's a classic ...I'm not kidding, I love this magazine. and am not ashamed to admit it....When we were first married, Dave was too embarrassed to have this in our grocery cart, so, I got a subscription. It comes every Thursday and provides me with exactly 45 minutes of glorious, brainless cover to cover total enjoyment...Now that I have this world-wide blog, I am writing off my subscription as a business expense--"research"....
- GQ--the funniest article I ever read was in the GQ I stole from the Flair, about a guy who fell headfirst into his septic tank on Christmas Eve...Honest to God, I was laughing so hard, I was willing to risk jail time just to finish it....really great writing, pretty intellectual, but totally hip...The comedy issue with Zack Galifanakas...(however you spell it) was crazy hilarious. Also, the fashion tips are not bad...especially if you are gay....
- Sports Illustrated--another weekly --(which I love)--full of great sports info, not too stats heavy, and does not disappoint in its ability to weave gossip and freaky personal information into every article. The last article in every issue, the one closest to the back, is usually really great...And who doesn't love "Faces in the Crowd?" Rick Reilly made a HUGE mistake walking away from this publication...he is no where near as funny as Kenny Mayne on ESPN... and never will be...
- Vanity Fair--pound for pound the best magazine out there...nice mix of high and low brow, with enough snarky comments to keep things hopping...usually manages to balance celebrity and socialite gossip (many great Jackie O or Kennedy related stories) with well informed political and literary articles written by many famous people. The last issue had the only article on the Greek economic crisis that I would willingly read. Now, I am an expert...(I'm writing this with a straight face)
- Lucky--This is a magazine about shopping and doesn't pretend to be anything else. What's not to love?
- Cookie--Despite its really stupid name, this was the only true upscale magazine about children..and more importantly beautiful children's clothing and furnishings. I think Jane McTernan and I were its only two midwestern subscribers..... I loved it because it never had one single article about making crafts with your kids....Surprisingly, it is no longer in print..
- Chicago Magazine--This magazine allows me to live under the delusion that I will actually go into the city and have a social life. I love to read about the new exhibits, restaurants and shops that open and pretend that I will actually go there....Also, there is usually at least one article about a corrupt politician or messy Chicago divorce (read the one about that Bob Rohrman, the car dealer--oohh) and I confess that I find those irresistible.
- Town and Country- Beautiful photos, excellent gift ideas, high end travel advice and every now and then I see someone I know in the Wedding Announcements or at one of the featured Galas... makes me feel like a somebody...(as opposed to the New Yorker...see below...)
- Real Simple--Straight forward magazine with great (simple) advice about products from food to lipstick. The cleaning issue is a keeper. I'm think about laminating mine.
- Marie Claire--the best of the "young woman" magazines...which I should probably not be reading at age of 39...ish... Way better than mademoiselle, cosmo or Elle. More issue based, than fashion and always has a titillating first person tell all like "I was a Mail-Order Bride" or "My Life as a Columbian Drug Mule". Hooks me EVERY time...
- Highlights--We do not get this one at home, but it is a favorite at every other doctor's office across the continental US EXCEPT Lakeside Pediatrics. We can while a way hours of waiting room fun with Goofus and Gallant (aka Chris and Jack/Pete and Nate), the Art mail bag and, of course, the "Hidden Pictures" , ....unless some little bastard circled all the answers...Do NOT let your kid circle the answers, you are just supposed to find them, mark them in your head, and leave the magazine unblemished for the next germy kid....waiting room etiquette, look it up...
- Reader's Digest--a total oldster magazine, but my mom gives me a subscription every Christmas. This is perfect to keep in your car and whip out when the soccer coach makes your kid take another lap, or when junior is still getting his braces adjusted...Aaaahhh....Laughter really is the Best Medicine, and It pays to enrich your Word Power. I seriously do read this..it's like comfort food...
- Veranda--This is the best of the decorating magazines, (beautiful photos, perfect rooms) followed by Elle Decor. Architectural Digest is so over rated and every house in the midwest they feature is done by Stanley Tigerman or his lame wife and looks like a damn pole barn...you know it's true...I used to subscribe to it just for the renovation issue...but even that can't make up for the pole barns...
- The New Yorker--way too many words, way too small print. I've subscribed to this on and off for years, but just can't get past the fact that, believe it or not, it's all about New York--it has a bit of an attitude and always makes me feel like some sort of yokelly, rube....And seriously, I don't need one more thing in my life that makes me feel like a yokelly rube..
- Consumer Reports--I should probably care what their ratings are, but the photos and graphics are so ugly that I can't focus on the words...Real Simple is just better and prettier...Besides, I am married to Consumer Reports on steroids...Dave McKeon did six months of research before buying a new umbrella (true story)...
- Rolling Stone...I concede, I am just not hip enough or high enough to read this magazine. I sleep just fine at night with that concession being made....
- Vogue--Great in theory, but chock full of non wearable fashions, scrawny, tarted up models, and crappy articles....(ie--no tell alls, no celeb divorces...) Tons of ads, too many perfume samples..
- US Weekly--I cannot read this because somehow it seems like a betrayal of my beloved People...Wendy can read it however, and does so with gusto...word on the street, so do the Ambro girls....which makes me like them even more.
- Architectural Digest---see above
- Parents, Family Fun, and any other "parenting" magazine---seriously, don't tell me how to live my life...
- US News and World Report--supposedly the least biased of all of the "news" magazine...Definitely the ugliest....and no real gossip...Other than the college rankings, which are on line, it has no value at all to me...
- The Ligorian Magazine--Except for Nancy Joyce, none of you even know what this is, do you? Well, it is a Catholic Family Magazine that we subscribed to for years, because at my kids old school, one of their big fundraisers was a magazine sale and the kids got extra points for selling subscriptions to the Ligorian...at one point we had like a life time subscription...Don't tell Sr. Bernard Marie, but we never even cracked the binding on it...Nine years out of Ohio, and it finally ran out....Talk about no celebrity gossip or high end fashion....
- Harper's (not Harper's Bazaar)--Really, I should love this magazine, but it's just so smug and full of itself...and depressing cutting edge fiction...that I just can't get into it...Possibly because it has the feel of a pretentious writer's work shop...get over yourself...
- Bon Appetit or Gourmet--as much as I love to eat, one would think that I would at least kind of like these publications...Well, I don't. I have no interest in spending five days making a seven layer chocolate ganache cake with organic, free range imported chocolate. I am, however, extremely interested in spending five days eating a fancy gourmet free range chocolate cake that some one else makes, so I hope that some of my friends actually get and enjoy this magazine...
Sorry no top ten today...Possibly BECAUSE THIS IS THE LONGEST BLOG IN ALL OF BLOGGENDOM and still no one has told me how to change my ugly background.
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