another day, another post

Hey, hey, hey, ring the bell, and check the tally board...we have 22 followers now, and less than half of them are related to me...I call that some real goddamn progress... a very big thank you to A. Janic, the always popular Matt Nelligan, and Mike Johnson.... who knew that the 20 year old male crowd had such an interest in children? The mere mention of Tosh.0  brings them running. Speaking of Tosh.0, Brian Pond, you my friend, are one lucky, lucky man with your 8th row fancy tickets to see the one and only Daniel Tosh. Jealous does not begin to describe...

Given my new emerging demographic, today's topic should be right in their wheel house. As I mentioned yesterday, Dave McKeon commended young Teddy Nickels on his playing football on a broken leg with the highest of accolades "he's no pussy"  Believe it or not, there are many, many, way too many, things that in Dave McKeon's world deem any man, woman, child or pet a "pussy".  So, today's topic, in list form, no less, is a compilation of all  of those behaviors, attitudes, fashion statements, philosophies that in Dave's world make you a pussy. (note: most of these refer to guys being pussies...sometimes it's just a universal, generic pussy, every now and then, an animal is a pussy....)

 You know you're a pussy if:

• You use cuticle scissors
• You wear a cardigan
• You eat fish (except shrimp or possibly lobster)
• You eat salad for dinner (lunch is ok)
• You wear driving gloves
• You wear driving moccasins.... or anything that looks like driving mocassins  ("I'm not wearing these fucking shoes. Only a pussy would wear these...They look like ballet slippers")
• You are a guy and wear flare legged jeans...(Chris, are you wearing girl's jeans? You look like a pussy")
• You drink from a straw
• You take paternity leave
• You discuss your feelings...ever...unless it's hunger
• You write thank you notes...except for business
• You drink from a water bottle when you play sports...("These goddamn kids go through 100 water bottles a week.  Jesus, what a bunch of pussies.  Real kids drink out of a hose in somebody's back yard")...I've heard this one like 200 times....a week
• You drink anything out of a bottle except beer
• You eat shelled peanuts
• You tip the pizza guy  ("What? I paid for the pizza...you can't tip him that much..what a pussy")
• You need stitches
• You use a band aid,,,("Oh, for Christ sake, just put some duct tape on it, you big pussy")
• You don't know how to drive a manual transmission ("What sort of pussy can't drive a stick?")
• Your parents ever visited you in college ("My parents dropped me off at Purdue and never came back. I wasn't one of those pussies whose mom had to make his bed")..
• Anyone ever took you to the zoo ("I thought only pussies or divorced dads took their kids to the zoo")
• You actually enjoy your kids' preschool music program ("Seriously, Laurie, only a pussy would come watch this thing if his wife didn't make him...No guys really like this shit...")
• You wear a speedo or even a shorty bathing suit
• You use moisturizer
• You do any sort of manscaping ("What the hell is manscaping? Is it another pussy thing like 'metrosexual'?")
• You know who Ed Hardy is
• You watch Glee
• You don't mow your own lawn or make your kids mow the lawn  ("Get those pussies out there to mow the lawn, it's supposed to rain tomorrow. I don't care if it's dark out")
• You go to a salon for a haircut (" I cut my own hair with these rusty clippers. What? You think I'm some sort of a pussy?)
• You go to a salon for anything, except to pick up your wife/girlfriend
• You miss a tackle
• You miss a free throw
• You miss a meal
• You want to video tape your baby's birth (I couldn't agree more)
• Your take a shower for more than five minutes ("Pete, get out of the goddamn shower, you pussy, you've been in there for fifteen minutes")
• You use hair gel ("What the hell do you have in your hair? You look like a pussy")
• You willingly see a movie without a car chase or gun fight ("Umm, we're already married....I thought I didn't have to go see these pussy movies anymore")
• You send birthday cards
• You dance at weddings...except your own
• You don't own and always carry a pocket knife (In an effort to make sure that they were not pussies, Dave bought all of the boys pocket knives for their seventh birthday. When he was five, Jack cut the shit out of his thumb with Chris', but, because he is not a pussy, we didn't bother getting him stitches)
• You drink hot tea
• You like John Mayer
• You do volunteer work ("Only pussies work for free")
• You have a personal trainer
• You don't like James Bond movies
• You don't like Mike Ditka ("Anyone who doesn't like Mike Ditka is a pussy")
• You don't eat red meat
• You drink pinot grigio
• You can't eat a whole Gino's pizza ("You pussies going to finish that pizza?")
• You like goat cheese, feta cheese, or any other "pussy" sort of cheese
• You bad mouth your own mother
• You let your dog wear clothes
• You're a dog who lets himself wear clothes ("That dog's a pussy")
• You aren't in a NCAA March Madness Pool
• You make a girl cry
• You hit a girl, even your sister  ("Only a pussy would ever hit a girl...even his sister")
• You don't have tools
• You watch the cooking channel
• You use valet parking ("That pussy is not parking my car")
• You use a porter at the airport
• You pack more than a carry on ("Look at that guy with the two big suitcases...What a pussy")--big exception--golf clubs
• You don't have a summer job ("You pussies better find some paid employment this summer...Your cell phone bill is not going to pay for itself")
• You don't know how to read a map
• You don't know how to read a compass
• You don't know Latin and Greek derivatives
• You don't understand logarithms ("Don't they teach you pussies anything in school?")
• You can't calculate your gas mileage...in your head
• You don't change your oil
• You've never been in  fight
• You've been in too many fights ("He's one of those pussies that is always picking a fight. I should kick his ass...")
• You don't follow Big Ten football
• You watch Oprah
• You read any book recommended by Oprah
• You read any book that doesn't involve money, terrorists, Jack Ryan, Vince Flynn, or an athlete
• You think Jerry Lewis is funny
• You cheat about your handicap ("He is one, big, sandbagging pussy")
• You cheated on Elin Woods
• You are John Edwards ("I always knew he was a pussy")
• You are any of the guys on Jersey Shore ("Who are these pussies and don't they own any shirts? Annie, turn the goddamn channel")
• You own Dave McKeon money ("That cheap pussy owes me money...")
• and on, and on, and on....

As you can see, the list of what constitutes pussyhood is long, varied and VERY subjective. It has nothing to do with sexuality, it mostly has to do with anything that Dave finds irritating, foolish or expensive. Everyone has there own "pussy list". Feel free to share...but remember, keep it clean (somewhat ironic for a post subtitled "you know you're a pussy if...").

Now, tonight's top ten:

1. Torch Lake--according to National Geographic, third most beautiful lake in the world.. Take that Lake Geneva
2. Brian Pond....Tosh.0 Tickets....sweeeet
3. Haagen Daz Swiss Almond Vanilla--worth every goddamn calorie
4. Padded hangers
5. The original Burberry plaid---(not any of that pink or blue crap)
6. Annie Lennox
7. Marie Chantal children's clothes--just beautiful
8. Sugar Lip Balm--courtesy of Beth Mattuecci--thank you VERY much
9. Emily Chiappetta--she offered to do my book cover when the big deal comes through
10. Chris McKeon--he wants it so badly, and I'm giving him props for driving the 18-24 year old male demographic to the blog....not one I expected to attract...thanks, and for God's Sake, stay out of the girls' dorms after parietals....you stupid pussy (....that part came from dad...)

I'm leaving for Michigan early tomorrow morning. Don't expect any posts until Saturday at the latest...Please spend this time compiling your p****y lists...