Congratulations!? It's a boy...

Shoot off that air cannon and let's make some noise--Over 1,000 hits and counting. I must admit, I was super excited about the 1000 hits this month, and was riding pretty high...

So, feeling somewhat full of myself, I decided to gauge just how impressive this accomplishment is by checking out another blog to see how many hits it had. If you recall, I admitted in my first post that I'd never actually read a blog before and this was true. So, I only really know of one other blog and it is one that the young Chris McKeon throws up in my face daily. It is called Club Trill or the Trillion Man March or something like that and is written by a kid named Mark "the Shark" Titus who walked on to the Ohio State basketball team. So I google Club Trill (like the super techie that I am...not) find his blog, and suddenly want to puke...Seriously, this blog has all of these cool photos and a title page and fancy ass graphics and imbedded vidoes and stuff highlighted in colors. .. and most sickening of all, big as life, flashing like my mother's 1982 VCR, is a red sign screaming out that he has over 3,000,000,000 hits. Holy Crap, this kid is serving more people than McDonald's. Makes my 1,000 hits look just a little tiny bit puny and pathetic ...  Damn... and to make matters worse, he is really, really funny, appears to have gotten a book deal and had a chance to try out for the Harlem Globetrotters...I must admit, I am frighteningly jealous. If this is what is out there on other people's blogs, I'm all done roaming the internet highway and checking out the competition.  I've got plenty of other things in my life that make me feel inadequate, I sure as hell don't need some 22 year old's blog to bring me down...So, for now, I am.just sticking to my own low tech, faceless posts, with no bloggy tricks or cool gimmicks. (However, if anyone knows how to change my background from those creepy flying birds, to something a little less new agey, I sure wouldn't say no. Also, if anyone knows how to get this blog to automatically notify people when it gets updated that'd be great too...)
...

Anyhow, I'd like to welcome Matt Mattuecci and his extended family to the blog. If anyone can get us to the next level, it's the Mattueccis. If each Mattuecci kid just checked my blog once a day, we'd be golden. I'm counting on you, Stella--does that "Leapster" get  the internet?

Speaking of Mattueccis (let's see you and your flashing sign make a smooth segue like that, Mark "the shark" Titus), as I came blowing into boot camp at 5:17am the other day, late as usual, (stretching is over rated, an extra two minutes of sleep is not) I found my friend Beth Mattuecci, mother of nine--yes, nine kids. and another boot camp mom deep in discussion about their young sons. They were noting the rather distinct (nonanatomical) differences between boys and girls. And honestly, ask any mom.  Boys really do have a perspective all their own, which is what makes them so confounding to their moms.  Boys see life as one frame of film at a time, rather than as a connected reel,  Meaning, that they fail to realize that the action they take at this exact moment will have consequences, most likely very bad ones,  very soon after. I've seen my boys throw a ball, dart, paperweight, roll of pennies, whatever in the house, in front of a window, and then be genuinely puzzled when that window shatters. Once, Jack asked his brothers to wind him up from his neck to his ankles with a really long rope and then he wanted them to pull the rope, anticipating that he would spin like a top....Hard to believe, but Jack was super surprised when the rope trick didn't work out as planned and he fell flat on his face and broke his nose. His explanation? "Well, it worked on the cartoon..." (Jack will be attending a local regional college this fall...possibly learning how to "drive a big rig"..)

My favorite cousin-in-law (and loyal blog follower) Amy Parker recently found out that she is having a baby boy!! She already  has two adorable girls (Shout out to Olivia "I'm in love with Nate McKeon" and Ava "can I choke it?" Parker) and is super psyched about having a son. So is her husband, so are the girls...Well, that's just great.You go on out and buy that blue baby blanket, and that little baby baseball glove. Sure, spring for the tiny golf clubs and the hockey skates, too. But then, start saving your money, because there are lots of expenses that nobody warns you about when you have a son. Once your boy arrives, you better be ready to pony up for the following fifty essentials for raising a son. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Extra home owner's insurance--your son will trash your house. Don't say I didn't warn you
2. An umbrella policy -- your son will trash your neighbors' stuff, too...his fence, windows, garage door, pets, mailbox..you will need the extra coverage to protect your assets...I'm not kidding, be prepared.
3. Apology gifts--you will be saying "sorry" to so many people for all of the property and bodily damage that your son inflicts that you will have FTD delivery on speed dial....
4. Teacher's gifts--start sucking up now...Most teachers favor the girls.(can you blame them?)  Be ready to buy your way into your son's teachers' good graces. Money well spent.
5. The extended warranty--just get it...on everything..trust me..
6. Babysitters---you will want to escape your son like nobody's business. Hire a sitter, be prepared to overpay...
7. Babysitter gifts---don't skimp here. You need that sitter...
8. Plumbers--boys clog toilets, all the time....they also break faucets...alot
9. Toilet paper--I'm not sure what they do with it, besides clog the toilets, but they sure don't use it to wipe down the toilet seat
10. Glass--of every variety...windows, doors, tumblers, Christmas ornaments, Halloween decorations, antique bowls,  light bulbs--be prepared to double down on anything breakable, Fifty percent of what you own won't make it past the first five years. Start putting that crystal away now, Amy Parker, and only decorate the top half of your Christmas Tree...
11. Plastic--just start buying plastic, plates, cups, sheets, tablecloths, car seats, toys... We still use plastic dishes and my boys are in high school.... Jack is a "breaker". My sister Wendy just gave up all  together and uses high grade disposables. 
12. Metal Bars or chicken wire--soon enough you will just go with the "prison" look and cover your windows with bars and/or chicken wire, to protect the glass and your sanity
13. Touch up paint--Do not underestimate how often you will need this...label it, save it, hide it or it will be used to paint somebody's skateboard.
14. Therapy--for you, not them
15. Advil, Tylenol, Maalox, and any other over the counter pain/ulcer reliever...again, for you.
16. Tutors--"school is not their thing..."
17. Clorox wipes---no boy (or man)  has good aim, clorox kills all germs. Stock up. You cannot have too many of these. Also can be used to wipe human faces, hands, fannies, etc. Bleach is good for you.
18. 409, Mr. Clean, Soft Scrub, and any other highly effective, somewhat abrasive cleaning products, preferable the kind with bleach--not as great on faces....highly effective for washing out potty mouths....
19. Oxy-clean--by the bucketload
20. Fabreze --it works, buy it.
21. Deodorant- they won't use it until they are twelve, despite that fact that they need it when they are nine
22. AXE--that super stinky deodorant stuff which they will begin to totally OVER use at the age of 13
23. Breakfast Cereal--the sugar coated kind. (preferably)...This is the total mainstay of all  boy's diets and the fall back lunch, dinner and snack. Stock up--A houseful of boys can go through a box of cereal in one sitting, especially if it is cocoa crispies....
24. Chocolate milk--the elixir of life for young boys. Many fine restaurants will make some for you. Who doesn't love paying $7 for a glass of chocolate milk at Smith and Wolenskys?
25. Easy Mac---world's greatest food invention. Easy to make, easy to eat...hence the name...
26. Fast food--I would  hate to add up the thousands of dollars that we have spent under the Golden Arches. That last billion they served was on our tab. Your welcome, Ray Kroc...
27. Cabinet doors--kitchen, bathroom, laundry room, etc- According to my boys "they just fall off."..WHEN YOU STAND ON THEM..don't ask, just take my word for it. You will be replacing doors of all varieties
28. Cabinet/door knobs--same theory--boys will stand on them, (especially the little knobs on your bathroom vanity), to turn on the sink, to look at the mustache they think they can grow, to spit toothpaste at their own reflection....
29. Step stools--you will buy these. they will not use them...see number 27 and 28...
30. Gates-- for the top of the stairs, bottom of the stairs, the living room, the china cabinet, the top of his crib (what? you can gate a kid inside their crib...it's for his own good...)
31. Locks... for your bedroom door, your bathroom door, his bedroom door, (What? you can lock a kid in his own room...it's for this  own good), the regrigerator (Jack could open our side by side before he could walk...He would and did eat anything he could get his hands on--raw bacon kiwi, eggs, cold pizza)---
32. Tools, especially the kind that can pick locks or take off doors.
33. Bicycles, --none of which will have seats, kickstands, handlebars or training wheels for very long
34. Bicycle parts
35. Anything with pedals--do NOT fall for the electric riding toys or video games... make them run, scoot, pedal or jump--do not forget that the whole focus of your day is to wear your little boy out so thoroughly that he cannot stay awake past 8pm. This is also why you need to keep your son in organized sports as long as possible--- to wear your big boy out so thoroughly that he is too tired to hot wire a car or hold up the local 7-11.
36. Balls--baseball, soccer, football, tennis, golf, ping pong and the manly kind...it takes some serious balls to raise a house full of boys...
37. Helmets--of all types, bike, football, hockey, pith. They will not wear them, but at least you are not lying when the pediatrician asks if you have bike helmets....  
38. Pads--knee, shoulder, wrist, mattress....(boys wet the bed more than girls)
39. Stock in Dicks Sporting Goods--big and little boy shangra-la
40. Antibiotics--your son will have strep throat alot, because he will drink out of someone else's germy water bottle...all day long...until he is an adult...because he has no recall that he got strep JUST LAST WEEK...from somebody's germy water bottle
41. Band aids--flex fabric, water proof, blister protection....boys chafe alot
42. Anti fungal lotion--they will wear random shoes from virtual stangers. Right now, Nate is wearing some bright blue soccer shoes that  he got from some kid on his team--it makes me sick, but I can't stop him.  He says that new shoes hurt his feet. He used to wear Chris' hand me downs, but now they are the same size..,  I will not let him bring these contraband shoes in my house...
43. ACE bandages, slings, crutches, heating pads, ice packs....
44. Gloves--baseball, linemen, receiver, goalie, winter, golf, hockey, boxing...all of the above
45. Dental insurance, preferably the kind that covers braces--your son will knock out his tooth, or his brother's tooth. (especially once you buy the boxing gloves) He will also swallow some part of his braces...this is scientific fact 
46. Auto insurance--you will pay through the nose to protect the rest of the world from your son's shidiotic driving antics. Get used to it...
47. A bail bondsman--
48. A good lawyer
49. A "friend" on the police force
50. A fifth year of college---Don't get any ideas, McKeon Boys. Anything over four years is on you. However, it really is true that it takes longer for boys to graduate college...Shocker, there.

So, for all of you with sons, who thought you were getting off easy with no ponies, nose jobs, feminine hygiene products and weddings to pay for, guess what? Your son is the gift that keeps on giving....good damn luck, and keep socking away the funds....all the really good, effective anger management and behavioral therapy classes makes you pay upfront....


Today's top ten:

1. Stupid Mark Titus and his stupid ass blog--it really is good, go read it...I won't hold it against you
2. Teddy Nickels--again--he and his broken leg got voted in as Homecoming King at Benet High School. Who says people discriminate against the handicapped?
3. Sports Illustrated--I read this magazine cover to cover, this week's issue was particularly good, especially that artice about that kid who plays both ways for Stanford...he is something else, and has a 3.8 GPA...I fear he is going to rip Dayne Christ's head off on Saturday....
4. Grey Goose and cranberry juice---good for a urinary tract infection...good for taking the edge off. a long day dealing with boys..
5. Hershey's with almonds--I should know, I just ate two of them while typing this top ten (the big ones, not the fun size. Note to candy marketers...there is nothing fun about a tiny candy bar....)
6. Patti Hansen--the one who is married to Keith Richards.  Did you see her in People magazine? Christ, she looks amazing...bitch...and she has some really cute boots on in the picture....
7. Beth Mattuecci--it is her birthday, she looks like she is 29, and she has nine kids...and Beth has some sweet boots, too....the new Tory Burch ones...and she doesn't have to sleep with Keith Richards...take that Patti Hansen...
8. Modern Family--the season opener did  not disappoint
9. My  new J. Crew cropped black pants with the pleats...kind of retro, cover a multitude of middle aged figure flaws.
10. Any and all Jen Lancaster books--She is one of the funniest writers. She lives in Chicago. We should totally be BFFs....