second post...threats and bribes

And you all thought that I was just a one post wonder!! 

Kim Westphal, my blog sensay (like in karate kid, the teacher.-- I know I didn't spell it right, but this was the best option spell check had--go ahead, Tina Burke, mark it with your red pen) told me that each entry is called a post...good to know.  Kim did try to explain to me how to attach all of my old columns to this blog, but it sounded really complicated and involved some sort of tabs. Hell, I'm just hoping to figure out  how to fill out my profile page, although, I am rather fond of the silhouette that comes up automatically--black is so slimming and that head shot has no wrinkles, so I'm sticking with that winner. But, even with my low end, borderline tech skills, I am taking it to it and am, blogging it up again. ,

First off, I'd like to thank all of you who read my first post. Let's keep that up. This book deal isn't going to sign itself--I need some sort of a following, so please continue pretending that you are actually reading "you can't scare me, I have kids",  following it or hitting on it, or whatever is supposed to happen to make this blog seem like a huge ass success. If this thing hits big, we're all winners.

Next, just a quick follow up on those two college students I was whining about in my last blog, here is the latest: College boy was late for gym class (yes, all freshmen at Notre Dame have to take gym) because he didn't realize that you were supposed to WEAR your gym clothes to gym class, and wore a button down and khaki shorts instead, couldn't find a locker room  for changing, and had to pull on his work out clothes in the bathroom. College girl had to work at the Center for the Homeless in South Bend for one of her classes. When "Big Juicy", one of the residents of the Center, met my daugher, she took one look at her and said: "Girl, you are darker than me!!" College girl took this as an enormous compliment. Don't think that I am not thrilled beyond belief and immensely gratified to know that my two big kids are respectively, the best dressed boy in gym class and the tannest girl at the homeless shelter. Of course they are....Why am I not surprised? With these two adult (and I use that term loosely) children exhibiting such deep seated, Mother Theresa like altruistic values, I have nothing to worry about...not a thing.. Who are we kidding, they are totally living what they've been taught...by me.

Now, back on topic. Yesterday, I briefly (ok, it wasn't all that brief) touched on the topic that is the key to child rearing and pretty much the key to all human behavior. I know that I shouldn't be pulling out the big guns this early in the game and should hold out with the mother lode of all trade info until I have a mass following, but seriously, I just type up the shit that's on my mind, and if I don't do it today, I will totally forget and never give you this secret of the universe, as I have a fatal case of middle aged ADD (Oh, look, a chicken...)

Ok, here it is... bribes and threats. That's it. You want to get your kids, husband, boss, self, to do certain things? Bribes and threats, threats and bribes. It's how the world goes round. You show up for work every day because they bribe you with a pay check. You try to  do a better than half assed job, because you are threatened that they will fire you. Most of us don't drive around drunk all day because we are threatened by the thought of jail time...(Obviously jail is not a threat to Lindsay Lohan, or any of those slutty Kardashian girls, but I think they are motivated by other things...like cheesy television exposure and quarts of top shelf vodka. ).If you want to make it seem a little less crass, a little more palatable, feel free to call it "the carrot and the stick", or for you new agers, "positive and negative reinforcement", but really it all comes down to bribes and threats, threats and bribes...

I know what you are thinking right now, I really do, "I'm never going to bribe my child. I am a way better parent than that." Really?  No, you're not. You (and every other parent in the history of the free universe) have been bribing and threatening your kids since birth.  "If you eat all of your carrots, you can have a cookie,"  "If you don't clean your room, you can't go out this weekend". "If you can somehow figure out how to attach my old columns to this blog, I will not mention you in it for one full week" or depending on the kid, depending on the day "If you don't figure out how to attach my old columns to this blog, I will spill every embarassing, pathetic, God forsaken jack ass move you have ever made, and I will use your full name...and photos" ...  but the key to this  whole bribe/threat thing, the way to make this very simple premise work for you, and this is the tricky part, so please,  you  need to listen to a veteran like me, is figuring out, what is the right bribe, what's the right threat, and when to use which one. I swear to you, if you do this right, your kids will be dancing to your tune pretty much all day long or at least giving it a good shot. Yesterday, I gave you the very real example of the reluctant altar boy....right threat, right time for that particular shidiot. Mission accomplished...I, of course, am still going to hell.

Before you go into the bribe and threat business, you first have to lay your foundation. Your kids have to know that you are dead,set serious and are as good as your word. You  have to have a history of making good on your bribes and following through on your threats or all bets are off. If you can't do this, just stop reading now and skip on down to the favorite 10. It's a good one, and you won't be disappointed, because if you can't back up your bribes and threats with reality, this method will never work. Don't tell your kid, "if you pick up all of your toys I will take you to Disney land, because unless you are ready to fly to the magic kingdom once the last lego is off the carpet, you are screwed and your kids will never believe a bribing word out of your mouth again. Likewise, the age old "stop hitting your brother or I will break your arm" isn't super effective as a threat unless you are prepared to sit through a very long visit from Children's Services asking some very personal question about how your kid got the cast. So, be smart and selective with your bribes and threats.

Here is the very simple proof bribe/threat process in 4 easy steps. And just remember, I am not charging you one red cent to read it--just please, please, please for the love of  God, write some super positive comments about how this blog changed your life. Big following, big book deal.

• Step 1: Analyze what exactly it is that you want your kids to do. Get good grades? Have nice manners? Make their beds? Give you a pedicure? Get a 35 on the ACT? Clean the garage? Cure cancer? Fine. Be definite. Be very clear on what it is you expect them to do. All kids have read the fine print-- They will try to cash in on a bribe they don't deserve or weasal out of a threat that they really have earned. Example: When you say "If you paint the basement I will pay you $50," you should probably specify that you did not want them to paint the basement carpeting...it's all in the details.
• Step 2: Analyze your kid. Does this kid respond better to bribes or threats? Does he perform well under pressure (threats--remember that altar boy) or is he better at being rewarded? Some kids (the altar boy) really don't bribe well. There is not much they want, not much they need, and they are inherently lazy.  Pull out a threat. Others are freaked out by threats. They want to please you, enjoy getting a special treat for a job well done, and like to bring home the hardware, ( the biggest bribe in the history of childhood is the trophy...Hell, eight year old boys will walk through fire for some crappy peice of tin with a soccer player on top. Use that knowledge). I have heard rumor of some mythical kids (not mine, mind you, but somebody's) who just like to accomplish a goal. These kids are extraordinarily easy to bribe. They also tend to be first borns.
• Step 3: And this is critical. Pick your threat or bribe accordingly. Make sure it works for that particular child. There are advantages to both and strategy involved. See below for more detail:
• Bribes: Bribes are a little easier to manage and they work well in positive or motivating situations. The possibilities are endless. Use your imagination here. I have a son who is very easily bribed by food. The promise of donuts, cupcakes or a very large slab of red meat can get him to do just about anything. OK, bribing with food may not be the best,(Michelle Obama, childhood obesity and all that) but food bribes are very cost effective and easy to obtain. A dozen donuts costs less than $10 bucks and is a small price to pay for a power washed garage floor. I have another son who responds extremely well to cash. and really, when in doubt, cash is king. Just don't over bribe unless you are prepared to pay up. Anything over twenty bucks is getting a little pricey and for little kids (, five bucks should buy you just about anything) WARNING: another ADD aside---Here is a slight variation on the bribe, always with cash as the motivator. Every now and then I will set forth a totally outlandish bribe that I damn well know my kids will never acheive, just to get them to try a little harder at something than they would without the bribe. Example: we have a standing $1,000 on the table for any kid who can get a 34 on the ACT. I know that seems like a ton of money, but who the hell are we kidding? My kids  have a better shot of getting a 34 on a cholestoral screening than on the ACT. But guess what? they don't know that (ok, now they do because they are reading this blog) So, if the outside chance of  getting a grand motivates them to get a 30 on the ACT(with no cash exchanging hands) I can sure as hell live with that.  However, be prepared that every now and then your kids will surprise you. Sometimes they have skills you don't anticipate. I was talking with one of my football playing kids (the one that I though was destined to be a chronic bench warmer) and asked him what position he played, what he liked about football, etc (see what a great mom I am, chatting up the kids?) Some how I agreed to pay him $20 if he ever got an interception. I didn't think he could actually get an interception, or I probably would never have put that bribe  out there. In the history of McKeon football playing boys, I don't think any one has ever had an interception. I don't think anyone has ever even had a reception, so I felt pretty safe offering up the $20. Well, well, well.  little slacker caught an interception in Wednesday night's game. I think I may have been played. Not sure, but I paid the $20, because I need to keep my solid rep as a bribe payer intact.  Nice to know the kid has some hands. Money well spent.
• Some kids respond better to threats--it's just the way they're built and often that threat involves taking away something they love. The loss of friends, electronics, free time, and cash (it cuts both way) are all fair game. This may seem heartless, but it is extremely effective. And holding your ground with the threat is even more important than with the bribe. A well enforced threat will reverberate for years to come. When one of the boys was in eighth grade, He was captain of the jr. high football team, president of the junior high student council and was WAY full of himself. (there is nothing in the world stupider than a 13 year old boy--look it up, it is a scientific fact). He mouthed off to his Spanish teacher, and had some serious prepubescent attitude. I told him, if I heard another word from a teacher in regard to his behavior, he wouldn't be going anywhere near a football field.  Well of course, little Einstein mouthed off, (again) and I made him go to his coach, confess his sins and turn in his jersey. He about had a heart attack, so did his team, so did his coach. (to be honest, so did his dad). But, I never backed down, and for years to come, all I had to say was "8th grade football" and everyone jumped in line. Aaahhh, the beauty of a well played threat. Some day, when we have more time, I will tell you the story of Cedar Point. It's a way longer story, but one of those threats that will go down in history.  Even my sisters' kids cringe when they hear the words "Cedar Point".
• Step 4: Finally, and this is the most important, follow through. Make good on your threats, pay off your bribes. Don't gloat about it, don't moan about it. Just follow through. This is where a poorly chosen bribe or threat can come back to haunt you. (see step 3) If your bribe was taking your tweener to the Justin Beiber concert, bad choice...what the hell were you thinking, because now, regretfully, if you are ever going to be taken seriously as a bribing parent again, you actually have to go to that sorry concert. However, if you were at the top of the threat game, and you threatened  your tweener with having to fold all of your laundry for a week...Jackpot. you, my friend, have learned this lesson well. But either way, threat or bribe, you must follow through. Every single time.

And that is the basic lesson in human dynamics, particularly when dealing with not overly bright teenagers. They are quite literal, not really much more evolved that a well trained, golden retriever, so properly applied bribes and threats can go a very long way. I promise you, if you follow these easy steps and you will be the puppet master, you will rule the kiddie kingdom. and all will be right with the world.  You can't scare me, I have kids.

OK enough with the lecture. Now for today's top ten. The things I like the best at this exact minute today:

1. Zappos--They have a jillion pairs of shoes, they have free shipping, free returns and deliver your shoes in a day. I have been known to order five pairs of bone colored pumps, try them all on, pick my favorite, and send the other four back for free. It's like shopping for shoes, in heaven, on a cloud, while eating candy.
2. Kim Westphal--blog master, and now a follower. Always makes me laugh and is not embarassed to admit that she watches The secret life of an American Teenager.
3. Swedish fish--pretty much the best candy out there, the candy of choice if you are in heaven shopping for shoes and sitting on a cloud--and they are fat free.
4. The patent leather navy blue Kate Spade spectator pumps on Zappos. Please someone remind me why I do not need this $300 pair of shoes. They are crazy cute and come in a camel color that is even cuter, (not currently available in my size)
5. My sister Wendy --A big shout out to Wendy, who, did I mention, is building a summer house on Torch Lake?
6. Nate's too tight warm ups--Nate got his soccer warm ups tonight and one of his teammates called out "Hey, Nate's got a donk" For some reason this made me laugh my ass off. Check out Little Nate Kardashian.
7. The song "I'll Melt with You"--an '80's classic. Nice beat, easy to dance to.
8. Wells Brother's Pizza--out of the always lovely Racine Wisconsin
9. "Big Juicy"--Annie's new best friend. anyone who notices a fine tan, and has a cool name like Big Juicy is A-ok in my book.
10. Cash--- is KING, and queen, jack and ace!!

thanks for tuning in--go, irish, go irish, go irish.


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