Momma's first blog

Holy Christ, I am blogging. Isn't America great?
For several years now, all/both of you who slog through our Annual Christmas letter without the benefit of alcoholic lubricants, along with the  VERY small group of  insomniacs who used to read my column in the world renowned, internationally acclaimed Kenosha News have been encouraging me/riding my ass to start a blog, to write all year long, and keep you up to date on all of the wacky antics of the McKeons. Well. I have....so shut up already. Of course, the big news here is, that some how, some way, I actually figured out how to set up a blog. Sure, it looks like crap and I don't know how to post a photo or any cool high tech stuff, but there are words on a page...actual words on a page, so I'm doing my part here.  It's a blessed miracle. A goddamn Al Gore father of the internet blessed miracle.

Since this is my very own blog, I am going to blog it my very own way. In order to keep us all honest here (and by us, I pretty much mean me), I am going to set up a few blog rules: 1. I promise to update my blog on a regular basis, as long as people are actually reading it. I may update it any way, because sometimes I crack my own self up with my blog. (In case you haven't noticed, I am trying to use the word "blog" as many times as possible...to show just how blogarific I am.--Question:  is each little article I write called a blog? or is the whole thing called a blog and each written essay thing is called an entry? If someone knows the answer, feel free to get back to me on this one...Kimmy Westphal, I'm counting on you)  2. I will blog only about things that I care about--raising kids, eating food, buying stuff, books, movies and the occasional tv show. If you are looking for some great, relevant, topical world view shit, stop reading now, or you will be sorely disappointed 3. I will try not to overdue it on the profanity. This may be hard. I will TRY. 4. I swear by all that is holy, I will NOT use this blog to brag about my kids, rip on other people (except for my kids), or be intentionally unkind or cruel. Feel free to call me out on it, if I do. 5 Finally, in every blog, I will have a list of my ten favorite things at that moment, on that day. This may end up being super stupid, or it could be kind of fun.  We shall see (just a little blog mystery)

As some of you may not know me, (yeah, like some stranger will ever be logging on to this blog)  allow me to introduce myself. I am a mom. I have six kids. Most of them are boys, most of them are big.  About twenty years ago I had a baby(girl) , then I had another baby (boy), then another (boy)and then all of the sudden, there were just a lot of kids (two girls, four boys) at my house and life was pretty hectic. From the moment I got up, I was just working the schedule, fighting the good fight, eyeing the finish line called bed time. And then all of the sudden, I got up one day, and it was time to take the oldest kids to college. Holy shit, what happened?

What happened indeed....I honestly can't say...Like I said, for a lot of years, I have this bunch of kids, they cry a lot, they eat even more, they wipe snot on my shoulder, the pillow cases, their sleeves, they lose a whole mess of socks, gym clothes, library books, backpacks, sneakers, shin guards,and cell phones, and they waste incalculable amounts of time, money, water, electricity, toilet paper, gasoline, brain cells... and just when I kind of get used to having them around, just when they become mildly useful, what with their driver's licenses, low level lawn mowing skills and ability to use a gas stove, it's time to take them to college. WTF?

Sure, of course I want them to go to college. Jesus. I know that.  It's the next big step and I've been harassing them about it for years.  Who do you think paid for the ACT prep and who do you think blackmailed them into keeping their GPAs high and detention hours low? Me, that's who.

 Just a little aside (and I know that I digress here, but hey, its my blog...get off my back).  Here is a very helpful tip for motivating the disinterested student--feel free to use this one if you are Catholic and not afraid of going to hell....one of my less ambitious sons was not "working up to his potential". He is a bright enough child, if standardized tests and his teachers are to be believed, but he really does not give a crap about much of anything. While my other kids respond to the usual methods of behaviour modification--groundings, loss of possessions or horror of horrors, being pulled off of a sports team, this little sociopath could live 24/7 in a freaking deprivation tank and not miss a beat. So, when it came time to figure out how to keep his grades on track and his nose to the grindstone, I hit him where it really hurt. I told him that if he did not get good grades, he would have to continue being an altar server. Seriously. this is a true story. For some reason, and not the one you are thinking, he really hates to serve Mass. He hates getting there early, hates carrying the candle, getting the book, wearing the dress, the whole thing, so, in order to keep him in line, my big threat to him, is that "if you grades aren't good, you will have to be an altar boy again." And guess what? it works. Who says I don't love my kids? I am risking the eternal flames of hell to help this underachiever get his happy ass into the college of my choice.

So, back to the original point...I know all about college. We did the tours, we read the books,  Blah, blah, blah.  And obviously, in theory, I really, really, really want to get these shidiots and their foolishness out of my house But I must admit, once the grades were calculated to the highest decimal point, the extracurriculars manipulated to look more impressive than they really are, once the paperwork was done, and the acceptance/rejection letters were delivered,  I was still just a little blindsided by the sad reality that these kids were actually leaving and  GOING TO COLLEGE. 

It's true. They leave. They pack up their stuff, ( except for all of the wrinkled, out dated, uncool on their closet floor that will be pillaged and pilfered by younger siblings) and go. I must admit, It's quite disorienting seeing your first born living in a 9 by 12 room with a virtual stranger, and even more disconcerting to know that she will probably never change her sheets. I missed her like crazy the first few months, and even now, as she starts her junior year, I still miss her a lot.

However, losing one kid to college can be explained away, a statistical anomaly as it were. But then, when the second one left for college, just a few weeks ago, all of the sudden, it hit me, and hit me kind of hard...Wait a minute...this is becoming a trend. And with our first five kids born in just six and a half years, this trend will soon become an epidemic. . Every one of these goddamn kids is going to leave to go to college. (OK, I'll give you even odds on the reluctant altar boy, but even he should be able to get into some regional school)  Obviously, I still have four kids in the house, but hey, now that the first two have started down the path, I can pretty much see where this trail is going to end...Within the next few years, we will go from a crowded, noisy, hungry dinner table of eight, to a very subdued table for three. I have already seen the laundry decrease from 40 pounds a day down to 30 (wait, this is not a bad thing) and it stuns me that one quarter of our family only comes home now to visit. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it yet. I'm sure I will get used to it, I'm sure I will eventually be just fine with it, and who are we kidding, probably more that half of them will either flunk out of college or come home when they find themselves jobless, but until then,  I am really going to miss them.

Holy shit. I guess you can scare me, ...I have kids.


OK, that was my first official blog. I know I ended it kind of lame, but I'm pretty tired and have to get up at 4:50 in the morning to go to bootcamp. Feel free to comment, but again, for those of you who know me, and know my technical limitations, just be amazed that I even pulled this off

..Now, as promised, My 10 favorite things/people as of this exact day and time, in no specific order:

1. Elin Woods--6 years of marriage, $100 million, and she seems sort of bad ass even if she didn't hit Tiger with a golf club---nicely done
2. LL Bean--have gotten reacqainted with their catalogue. Their new signature line is pretty sweet. Always nice to rediscover an old friend.
3. Mil Millington--super funny writer. Makes me laugh out loud. buy his books
4. The Coffee Pot Restaurant in Kenosha--excellent poached eggs and homemade toast
5. Kerry Gapinski--always in a good mood, never makes me feel like a moron for my lack of computer skills--she just gets it.
6. "Sh$%^ my Father says"--Another really funny book. Loaned it to  my sister. She better return it.
7. Rescue Me--the TV show. It's pretty rough, but is funny as hell. Favorite lines: "What are you shidiots up to now?" and "Paris Hilton retarded or Rain Man retarded?" (please don't send me any comments about the use of the word "retarded". I know it's not a nice word. I didn't write the show, I just laughed at it)
8. The Sherwin Williams paint color Silvermist--for the love of God, Wendy, just pick a paint color and get on with it. Oh no, did I say that outloud?
9. My sister Wendy --I have to stay on her good side. She's building a summer house at Torch Lake and I will do any thing I have to do to keep my name on the guest list.
10. Notre Dame Football--GO, IRISH, BEAT PURDUE!!