Oooohh, I am one blogafrickin'rific day away from being a two post flash in the pan...If I don't post today, I will lose my enormous following of 15 fine, fine, lovely, kind people who will admit to reading the kind of wordy crap I've been serving up (which is 14 more than I ever thought I would have). Given the significant length of my first two posts (that last one should have been a five part mini-series or something) Tonight's post is much briefer and hell, who are we kidding? much, much easier for me to write, because it requires very little proof reading (yeah, I know, you can barely tell that I proof read the first two posts).

Given the raves I've been getting  for the top ten lists, (it's not wrong to categorize three mildly positive comments as "raves'), I'm sticking with an all list format for tonight. And tonight's topic is TV shows:

First off, in case you were wondering, (and you weren't) here is a list of all the things I refuse to watch on TV:

1. Any show with "little people"--not that I have anything against little people, I swear to God, I don't, I just don't want to watch tv shows about them, even if they are doctors or seem pretty nice.I don't want to see them raise kids, make food, drive a car, nothing... Doesn't it just seem a little exploitative?
2. Any show with fat people trying to lose weight. Hell, if I wanted to watch fat people lose weight, I'd stop buying Haagan Daz and Dave and I could stare at each other for a month.
3. Any show with Amish or Amish like people--if you don't use electricity or modern conveniences, I'm not watching you...this includes you, you crazy Duggars, you have those long Amish skirts on and  don't believe in computers, so get your happy selves off the "devil's tool" we heathens call television.
4. Any show with dancing celebrities...unless you can guarantee me that they are going to fall down. (this is why I watch the Olympic figure skating....BOOM, goes the dynamite...I love to see them fall)  I have no desire at all to watch Ochocinco or Bristol Palin dancing around. I know these shows are super popular, they just don't appeal to me...however, I've been known to watch a good cheerleading show, and actually own all of the Bring it On movies...even that direct to video one...Thank you very much, Casey Ferraro!!
5. Any show where someone gets a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancee or earns the "love" of a celebrity--Seriously, I refuse to waste one hot second of my getting shorter by the minute life watching these self promoting shidiots acting like they are seriously searching for their "soul mate" and honestly, if a single bachelor/bachelorette/fool seeking love with any ex-member of big-haired "80s band is delusional enough to think they will actually find true love on tv, or with a celebrity, they don't need my ratings, they need in patient therapy
6. Any show involving Donald Trump--speaking of self-promoting shidiots. I don't care if he's hiring, firing or giving golf lessons, I can't stand the sight of him, even the sound of his voice....
7. That Mad Money guy on TV--if I want to get yelled at about money, I will spend some quality time with Dave McKeon on the night the Visa bill arrives.
8. Any nature show, sorry, I hate them, even the ones about "river monsters" or sharks. They all seem like bad 7th grade science film strips to me. My sons and husband love them---go figure.
9. Anything with Bill O'Reilly...he tried to have phone sex with an employee. Yeah, I'm going to listen to his self-righteous bullshit.  A Bold, fresh piece of Humanity, my ass...
10. Cooking or Fishing Shows--I can't stand to do these things in real life, I'm sure as hell not going to watch someone else do them on TV.

Now, here is a list of  TV Shows that I am not embarassed to say out loud, even in a conversation with smart people, that I watch on a regular basis: (please note: Dave McKeon is too cheap to unbuckle for pay TV, so I am sure there are great shows on HBO, Showtime, etc. but I will not be watching them until they are available for free)

1. Lost--great show, makes me look cutting edge, sci-fi-ish smart. Got kind of freaky at the end, and may not count because it is no longer on tv.
2. The Office--always, reliably good---even that odd season when Pam went to "art school"
3. It's counterpart-Parks and Recreation--Amy Poehler rocks. So does DJ Roomba
4. Modern Family--I liked it BEFORE it won the emmy. I have a soft spot for any show with an adopted Asian baby and fat, funny gay men.
5. The Good Wife--Dave McKeon's wishes this was an autobiographical show,... it's not.
6. The Sports Reporters--Every Sunday morning on ESPN. Swear to God, it's the fastest half hour on television and that fat guy from Boston is really funny.
7. Glee--dancing, singing, teenage drama...What's not to love? Sue Sylvester is my idol.
8. Friday Night Lights--don't always get to see it, (very active Friday night social life..sleeping...) but they run the episodes on that free HD on Demand. Great show that feeds on my idealized vision of somebody's high school experience...not mine, of course..
9. Brothers and Sisters--ok, maybe I'm a little embarassed to admit I watch this show, but I do...
10. Mad Men--ok, ok, you caught me...I don't really watch this show. I wish I did, because everyone says it's really great, and it would make me seem smart, but I can never seem to figure out when the hell it's on, and if I do, I forget to watch it.

Now, TV shows that I am somewhat embarassed to admit that I watch, but will cop to if pressed:

1. Pretty, Little Liars-- I am blaming Kim Westphal for this one. She and Annie got me hooked this summer.  Again, not exactly high brow, but a somewhat understandable guilty pleasure
2. Tosh.0--this is, hands down, the funniest show on TV, if you can get past some of the gross, projectile vomiting, bodily function jokes. Daniel Tosh has absolutely no shame...and those web redemptions are comedy gold. I am probably the only middle aged mom making time for Daniel Tosh...
3. Antique Roadshow--a total nerd fest compulsion, but who the hell doesn't dream of finding an original signed copy of the Declaration of Independence at a garage sale? and having those appraiser twin brothers touching your furniture? I'll admit it, it's a little bit of a fantasy...
4. Cash Cab--I would kill on this show.  I know I would.
5. Castle--for some reason Nate and I started watching this bogus show. Now we are kind of hooked. It is a bogus show, we're not denying it.
6. Phineas and Ferb--ok, I spent an inordinate amount of time this summer watching this with Posey. It's a pretty, goddamn good kid's show. The episode where they get that band back together for their parent's anniversary is a classic. So is the one where Candice earns her Fireside Girl badge and has to wrestle that aligator in the sewer...I guess you have to see it... 
7. Man vs Food--there is something sort of creepy about this show, but it's compellingly watchable once you turn it on. This is a viable career option for at least two of the McKeon boys..
8. Mike and Mike in the Morning--I know that it's queer to "watch" a radio show on TV, but they are really funny and Mike Golic always has the inside scoop about Notre Dame..
9. Rescue Me--again, if you can get past some of the rough stuff, every line is hilarious...from last week's episode "...I will probably die in three weeks,...in some cake related incident"
10. Say yes to the Dress...again, I'm not proud of it, but it's wedding dresses, and you can't hate on that. (Also, any Baby Story/Adoption Story--I just like babies, you got a problem with that?)

Finally, here are shows that have been on my TV, but if you told people that I watched them, I would totally deny it, and call you a liar. However, I seem to have an unusual amount of knowledge about these shows...

1. Teen Moms--have you seen this show? Holy Crap!! this show shouldn't even be on TV--Call Children's Services, none of these girls should EVER be allowed to baby sit, let alone raise a baby.. and the teen dads make the teen moms look like T. Berry Brazelton. If I actually watched this show, I would be very scared about the future of America, because you know that this is just the tip of the teen mom iceberg....if these are the ones they are willing to put on tv, just imagine how bad the other ones are.
2. Secret Life of an American Teenager--Obviously I have a total fixation with pregnant teenagers...and to add insult to injury, there is no worse acting in the history of TV.  Seriously, just watch this show once, and you will be mesmerized by the lack of talent--across the board....I've seem in flight safety videos that are better acted...and yet, I have seen this show, more than once...or twice....
3. I didn't Know I was Pregnant...(ok, just fixated on pregnancy in general, I guess) I never realized how many women give birth in a bathroom stall or family style restaurant. Really, it never crossed your mind that that kicking bump in your stomach could be a BABY???
4. Hoarders--I can only watch this show for like five minutes at a time because it grosses me out so badly. It is like watching a train wreck. I am 95% horrified, but 5% fascinated...and that 5% can't seem to turn the goddamn channel.
5. Real Housewives of New York/New Jersey--I gave up on the New York women, once they all started prancing for the tv and writing "inspirational" books. (you've got to be kidding me...parenting advice, etiquette pointers? from these fools?) And the NJ show was all down hill after Theresa flipped that table. too much drama, too much crazy all the way around. Word to the wise, don't ever admit to any show with New Jersey in the title...
6. Keeping up with the Kardashians--have seen it, on occasion but stopped watching once the big one married that basketball player, and the other one had the baby...Oh, yeah, both of those relationships are going to last....
7. My Super Sweet Sixteen--in what crazy ass universe do these people live? Any parents dumb enough to fly their 15 year old to Paris, Vegas, New York or wherever to find a dress for an incredibly over the top birthday party that always culminates in a black Range Rover or BMW deserves the back sassing, spoiled rotten teenagers that they all seem to have. You're as bad as the Duggars...
8. Wizards of Waverly Place--you caught me... Is it the wizards? the mom from Camp Rock? Dom DeLuises' kid? I do not know, but this and iCarly are filling up my Neilsen log...even during school hours...OK, admit it, Carly's brother Spencer is funny...
9. Celebrity Rehab.---what does it say about me that I won't watch celebrities dance, but I will watch them snort crack? probably something not very good....
10. The Today show with Kathy Lee and Hoda...this is the most embarassing show of all.  In my defense, there is not a ton on at 11;00am when I seem to be ironing and I've already watched Sports Center twice. Is it me or does Kathy Lee Griffin seem drunk all the time? But I'd rather watch a high Kathy Lee than a sober Joy Behar any day...

Sorry, no top ten today, I am all listed out. You try admitting to the crap you secretly watch on tv...it's exhausting.  Feel free to send me your own crap tv list, and stay tuned for another post soon. All blog, all day... or at least most days. Until then...