Homecoming?

Helloooo 36 followers....Hola! Maggie Nickels, welcome to the fold all the way from Mexico--my first "international" follower--this thing is bigger than all of us.   I got back Saturday night from a whirlwind trip to Michigan...(much accomplished, much still to do... ).Watched that awful ND/Michigan State game (fake field goal? Yeah, you better have a heart attack Mike Dantonio) and stopped counting the number of times Dave called someone a p***y once it hit triple digits (in the first quarter).  And now I am ready to get my blog on.... 

First, major apologies to Sara Pond for giving Brian Pond the Top Ten nod and the green wave of jealousy regarding the Tosh.0 tickets in my last post.  I don't want to be pointing any fingers or anything, but it does seem just a wee little bit p***y to take credit for those sweet, sweet tickets that your lovely wife worked so hard to obtain...I'm just saying....However, as someone whose email address has read DAVEMCKEON for the past eight years,  (Dave set up our email account while I was still living in Ohio with the kids, only included his name and believe it or not,  I could never figure out how to fix it.) I should have been a little suspicious of the Brian Pond monicker. My mistake...please, I sure don't want this blog to interfere with any one's marriage, including my own, so let's just blame this one on me...

Speaking of my marriage, I asked Dave McKeon to sit down and read my last post, since he was the headliner, and he said--this is a true story--- "No offense, Laurie, but I don't really give a shit what you write,. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I really don't want to have to read your blog stuff, I already know all the stupid shit that our kids do, I had to live through it the first time,... Just promise me two things: 1. Don't write anything that can get me fired, and 2. Try to turn a buck on this whole thing, because I can't work forever and these kids aren't getting any cheaper. (This is more input than Dave had when we found out we were having our first baby : "I don't know anything about kids. I assume you do. but just promise me one thing....if it's a boy, get it circumsized.").

Now, on to today's topic: Fall is in the air, the leaves are turning, the apples are ripe, Notre Dame sucks at football and it's time for the McKeon boys to find some Homecoming dates....

Oh my ever loving God, on what particular day was it decided that in order to get a date to a high school dance, you had to have a whole theatrical peformance, complete with props, accessories and swag bags? As the mother of four sons, I want to find out how this whole "big ask" to the dance started and I personally want to be the one to drive a stake thru its godforsaken heart.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of raising adolescents in the last decade you may not be aware that it is no longer acceptable to ask a girl to a dance by calling her on the phone or better yet, asking her in person while standing awkwardly at her locker.  Oh, no, these days, in order to get a date, (or at least for MY kids to get a date) you need some clever "hook" or gimmick, usually involving flowers, candy, music, candles, dancing, hand puppets, a small football, more candy, gift wrap, fire jugglers or all of the above. Generally, I've been told, this ask is done in front of a hallway, classroom or stadium full of people, thus, showing the world just how great a date you will be.... My theory is the "big ask" is intended to bribe, guilt and/or shame some poor classmate, in front of their peers, into being your date. Now, we all know that I am a strong proponent of  properly employed bribes, guilt and shame, but seriously?  Do you really need a 12 piece orchestra, glow in the dark posters and a custom made t-shirt to ask someone to a high school dance? Well, according to my sons, yes, you do.

When Annie started high school, it seemed really sweet that boys would ask her to dances with flowers and candy. One prospective Romeo even spelled out "ANNIE, PROM?" in our driveway with votive candles. I think another spelled in out with rocks on the beach. But to be honest, other than the candy, which I ate, I never really gave "the ask" much thought. 

Then Chris started high school, and suddenly, the pressure of the "big ask" hit very close to home. Not wanting to lose out on the opportunity to take the girl of his dreams to his first big high school dance, Chris asked the always lovely Gina Mattuecci to homecoming on the very first day of school, (not too dorky...) with a tennis inspired full size poster, and the essential and requisite candy. It worked. Since then, every freaking school dance I'm pestered, bugged, harassed to death by my hormone ridden, anxious sons stressing over "How am I going to ask... (Gina, Emily, Madison, Mikayla, Annie, Tess, Chrissie, Bridget, Hannah, Bridget, Beyonce, Shakira, Madonna...) to the dance?",  With multiple boys in high school for several years in a row, that's a lot of pestering, a lot of bugging and way too many asks. (Hell, I'm asking Beyonce to the dance...I love her)

In order to coerce their dream dates to join them for the big dance, the McKeon boys have, among other things :

• Written the ask on a gum wrapper, and convinced their victim/date to "take some gum"
• Written the ask on the overhead--in Spanish, no less, and had the victim (along with the whole class) read it when the teacher turned on the projector
•  Written it on a volley ball and hid it in the victim's locker (with flowers and candy, of course)
• Made a puzzle with the ask
• Spelled out P R O M on 4 different pieces of poster board and had 4 different friends hand out each letter to the intended, one at a time, with flowers (of course) until she made her way to my boy holding a final poster with a big question mark on it and (of course) more flowers. 
• Had the the unsuspecting potential dates (twin sisters) called down to the office, where two lovely bouquets awaited, with enclosure cards asking them to the dance (this one cost me a fortune and will not be repeated) 
• Tried to get the kid who read the morning announcements on the closed circuit television say: "in other news, the McKeon boys would like to ask the Beere girls to the Homecoming Dance...." I personally loved this idea: splashy, public, clever and did not cost me one red cent, the school administration, on the other hand, did not...and banned these sorts of "breaking news" stories.
• Thrown a minifootball into the stands after a football game with his date's name on it making the pitch to be his Homecoming date.
• Stood on the school lawn outside the English classroom with a boom box and a trench coat, in a tribute to Lloyd Dobler and the movie "Say Anything", holding a sign saying: "Gina, Prom?" (yes, Gina Mattuecci again...)

This morning, as I helped Nate wrap an enormous box, which held another wrapped box, which held another wrapped box, which held yet another wrapped box, which held a note that said "Bridget, will you go to Homecoming with me?" (and was, of course filled with candy, ), all I could think was: "What the hell am I doing here?  Dave McKeon didn't put this kind of thought, let alone this much effort (or wrapping paper) into asking me to MARRY him," No, Dave McKeon very strategically asked me to marry him on Christmas Eve, thus killing two birds (Christmas gift, engagement ring) with one marquis cut stone. (Nicely played..fyi...when Dave did ask for my hand, my father who was very impressed with Dave's savvy in leveraging one engagement ring into two gifts, replied very quickly, "Absolutely. She's all yours...but let me warn you, you better keep making one gift work for two occasions, because she is REALLY expensive...")

So, I'm warning my sons now, and all the other teenage boys out there...Sure, the big ask is cute, sure, every woman loves flowers and candy,(especially candy)  but Hey, let's tone it down a little. (I'm talking to you, Max Ferraro and your custom made "Homecoming ask" t- shirt...no, actually the shirt was really cool. Nate wishes he'd thought of it...) How are you dudes ever going to ask someone to marry you? You've built up all these expectations, you've set the bar pretty high here. Take a page out of Dave McKeon's book, and go old school. No props, no graft, no swag, no foliage. Just a sincere invite, from a sincere guy, asking a nice girl, to go to a dance. Or, you can do what Pete has done...forget to ask anyone, and then send out a mass text hoping somebody bites...he is truly his father's son...


Today's Top Ten:

1. SARA Pond--she's earned it, she deserves it
2. Sara Pond again--a little palate cleanser to get rid of the taint of last week's top ten--my mistake
3. Beyonce--my boys can make the big ask on her any time
4. Cheeseburgers from the Alden Bar (eaten in a big featherbed at 9 o'clock at night)
5. The Inn at Torch Lake--great breakfasts, big featherbeds
6. Deb from the plumbing fixture place...a dream to work with
7. Comfort level toilets--who knew? The Nickels family will be sitting in style
8. Cookies from the Muffin Tin--big as your head and full of chocolate chips..they will ship them to you if you ask nicely...and pay for overnight shipping.
9. Audrey--from the Dillon SYR--word on the street is she "sews" her own clothes
10. GQ Magazine...honest to God, the writing in this magazine is smart and funny, and who are we kidding, the guys don't burn my eyes either...

Sorry to go for almost a full week with no posts.  I promise it won't happen again....