IT'S ON!!

Man, it's so hard to keep up with this blog when the sun is shining. I leave for school two weeks from tomorrow, and am trying to cram an entire summer's worth of fun into these next few days. I've totally conceded "Class Valedictorian" and "Most Likely to Succeed", but I still think I have a great shot at "Best Dressed" and "Best Tan".(I have been frying like bacon for the last few days, I'm not going to lie to you..I think I have sun poisoning ) Thank God it's only 45 degrees outside today (nice weather for June 9th), so I can devote myself to this blog without missing any melanoma enhancing rays.

Today is the day that I introduce the next contest. I know, I can hardly wait either. It's a really, really good one, but before I lay out all of the details, I am going to insert one of my favorite old columns--the graduation one. It's only fitting that during this commencement season, I trot out these sage words of advice: (I meant to do this over the weekend, to coincide with Jack's graduation, but--like so many other things I was hoping to get done...it just didn't happen) Now, I'm going to rerun this column AND start the new contest all in one--ambitious, yes, but rather efficient. So, here is the column:

As colleges across the nation hold their graduation ceremonies, many notables are giving inspirational commencement addresses.  And though I have yet to be formally (or informally for that matter) asked to speak to this year’s newly minted graduates, I, too, have some solid words of wisdom.

To the Class of 2008,

Hurray for you.  You’ve made it. You’ve climbed the mountain, written the thesis, gotten the sheepskin, and repaired all of the nail holes in your student apartment with toothpaste in the futile hopes of getting your security deposit back.  Way to go. But now, as you enter the cold, cruel world of adulthood, with its myriad responsibilities of car payments, student loans, insurance premiums, and utility bills, I’d like to give you a few words of advice.

1. You will never be any smarter than you are today.  Trust me, never again in your natural life will you be so sure that you have all the answers and be so willing to share them with others.  Right now, today, you know it all.  And that’s great, because this is your special graduation day, but starting tomorrow…

2. Buy a belt.  Low slung pants may be all the rage on your college campus, but in the real world, the world that has absolutely no interest in your prowess at beer pong, no one wants to see your butt cleavage, plumber’s crack, paisley boxers, back tattoo, muffin top or thong.  Pull up your pants and put on a belt.  While you’re at it, pick up some decent shoes.  Unless you are embarking on a lucrative career as a life guard, flip flops are unacceptable in the work place.  (or the White House)

3. Along those same lines, lose the ball cap, skull cap, stocking cap, doo rag or any other funky head attire.   Believe it or not, back in the day, it was considered very poor form for a gentleman to wear a hat indoors.  While that bastion of decorum has long gone by the wayside (totally due to major league sports merchandising), it is still inappropriate to wear that Cubs cap to the office (possible exception if  you just signed a major league contract –though if it’s with the Cubs, you’ll be way  too embarrassed to wear the hat)

4. Get a job.  I may be stating the obvious, but jobs pay money and money buys food.  The days of some campus employee in a hair net placing food on your cafeteria tray are over.  All that Easy Mac is on your tab now.  And if you ever want to be able to buy the wine that comes in a bottle, rather than a box, you’re going to need a job. 

5. Show up every day.  Contrary to popular belief, there is no “three cut” policy in the work force.  Your employer expects you there every day, so unless you have a written note from the Center for Disease Control, or your father owns the company, go to work.   Also, FYI, there is no spring break, summer vacation, Christmas break or senior skip day.  And sorry, it’s too late to switch your major to education.

6. Be on time.  Now that you are a full fledged adult, your mom, roommate, boyfriend or parole officer is not responsible for getting you out of bed.   Buy an alarm clock, program your phone, get a dog or work the night shift.  Nothing is more impressive to an employer than showing up every day, on time.

7. Put in a full day’s work.  No matter how boring, tedious, repetitive or hard.  This is why they call it work.  If it was big, super fun every day, they wouldn’t have to pay you.  And sad to say, when you put in your full day’s work, no one is going to throw you a party, hand you a medal or give you a trophy.  You get a pay check. Be grateful.

8. Listen way more than you talk.  I know, you’re a college grad and you just aced your integral logistics final, not to mention that B+ you got in statistics, but you should probably wait until the ink on your company ID dries before telling the woman who’s been running the shipping department for the last 18 years that she’s doing it all wrong.

9. Oh, by the way, that money that is missing from your pay check is for taxes, and yes, you have to pay them.  You are now footing the bill for roads, schools, safety and the national defense, not to mention a lot of pork barrel and boondoggle. Stings a little, doesn’t it?  Welcome to the club. 

10. Finally, say thank you.  Many, many people have sacrificed a lot to get you to this day.  Your parents, siblings, teachers and friends all have earned a stake in your future.  You’re one of the lucky ones.  You’ve made it through.  Now get out there and make us proud.

Yeah, it's a few years old, but still words to live by. Feel free to share this with your nearest and dearest.

Now, on to the BIG, BIG, BIG CONTEST!! This is the real deal and you do NOT want to miss out. I've spent the last few weeks (ok, days...ok, hours...ok, like twenty minutes) thinking up a contest that will only take two weeks, that does not lend itself to cheating, (although I'm sure those of you who want to cheat will find a way...) that requires some thinking skills but not tooo much, that is easy (ish) for me to score/judge, that will allow for some audience participation (this means you, Joe Laken) and that is entertaining...especially for me. (and if it drives a little traffic to the blog, all the better)

So, with all of that in mind, here is the contest: Every day for the next 10 days (Starting today, but not on Sundays) I will give you all a literary (using that terms VERY loosely) challenge. It will be some sort of sentence, word, letter or story challenge. Each day, the challenge will be different and you will all have until five o'clock the next day to submit your best effort. You can submit as many entries as you want per day as long as they are submitted during the daily time period, and you will get one point per submission, as long as they meet the daily challenges requirements.  I will then choose the best three entries per contest (per day) and award points accordingly:  (I'm still working on the point scale, because the best efforts need to score as high or higher than the most entries, and I'm not sure how many entries people like John Heinzmann will submit...) This should appeal to all of you word nerds--all you folks who play that "Words with Friends" game and those of you who consider yourselves wordsmithy. The judging is primarily based on following the rules of that day's contest, and then on cleverness and the ability to make me laugh. However, there is another component: you can get others to comment on your entries and I will take those comments into consideration as I award points. I mean it. I get kind of stressed out judging you guys, and if others way in with their opinions, I will be easily led in that direction, because then I am not the bad guy...

At the end of the 10 days (like on Thursday, June 23rd) I will announce the winner. And this time, and I mean this with all of my heart, THERE WILL ONLY BE ONE WINNER--just one, I'm not kidding. It's been a super expensive spring (Charleston, London, Scotland, graduations, new shorts for the ever expanding McKeon boys waistlines, --Chris came home from college twenty pounds heavier--a few new pairs of Burberry pumps for me, not to mention that sweet LongChamp suitcase and four Notre Dame tuition bills) and the generally amiable Dave McKeon has no interest whatsoever in funding little prizes for my bloggy friends...so, here is the prize--I already bought it, and it is pretty awesome--You remember how much you all were loving the Tiffany bead bracelet?? Well, now I've got the necklace and it's better than you can imagine. That's the prize--the beautiful bead necklace, which will match nicely with the bracelet for those of you who won one last time, (Stacy, John) or looks equally amazing on its own, (everyone else)  I hope you all understand the rules, and please continue to stay flexible as I always need to work the kinks out as these contests unfold.

So, here is tonight's contest:  Please make a sentence (funny, timely, clever, silly....) using every letter in the alphabet---(yes, you can use some letters more than once) You know, like the old typing sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog".  or  "Crazy Laurie just might be quivering as she keeps failing to do her tax homework" .  See, that's not so hard. (ok, that took me a little longer than I thought, but I'm sure you are all way better at this than I am) You have until 5pm tomorrow to submit all of your entries. I will review them, review the comments from all of your cool friends, score the entries and then tell you what the next challenge is ....it will be something kind of similar to tonight's challenge, and will always involve words. Any questions?? I hope not. Good luck and I know  I will get some killer entries by tomorrow at five. Please don't let me down. I need a few good laughs before I really do flunk out of school. (Seriously, one person in my class already did some big old spread sheet with our whole summer's home work assignments....I have yet to buy the books....but I do have this killer tan... and some dynamite shoes...)

So, go to it...It's on...Best contest ever...

Special aside to Judy -- I am officially a boot camp drop out...the thought of getting up at 4:50 for my last few weeks of summer is just unbearable. Once you got hurt and Beth stopped coming, I kind of stopped liking it...And, who am I kidding?? I haven't lost a single pound since I've started bootcamp three summers ago....

No top ten today--just go think up some sentences for me....thanks