Man, what was I thinking?? I certainly started a little shitstorm by bringing politics into this challenge...lesson learned. However, I do appreciate the candor, and also the respect for each other's view points. (thanks, Judy and Tricia for being so gracious) That's what makes America so great (political tolerance, freedom of speech, the interstate highway system, Nordstrom's shoe department and 24 hour access to microwave bacon).
I am not going to lie to you. The panel of judges went toe to toe on this challenge--lots of discussion, lots of debates....but we finally came to an uneasy truce. Judge Wendy is a stickler for following the rules and kept us all honest by mentioning....several times, I might add, that the haikus were supposed to be about disgraced politicians (and not just about politicians of a different political persuasion), my other two stalwart judges (Nate and Chris) mostly liked the ones that made them laugh or contained some sort of profanity (adolescent males, go figure) and I am all about the clever. So, I'm telling you, picking tonight's winners was NOT an easy task. Hell, just reading all 100 plus entries thoroughly was not an easy task. But, I must admit, seeing my blog hits jump to over 30,300--was pretty super sweet---priceless...
First, let's score the quantity points--
John--Way to tally up the points!! 57 entries (not counting the ones you deleted...again, to reiterate Sue Chiappetta's query, how bad were the ones you chose NOT to print???) 57 enormous points for you.
Judy: 21 quantity points, you are killing, AND big props for getting your husband and son to weigh in...this has not gone unnoticed by the judges
Tricia--18 big points, nicely played---and I need to point out just how much I laughed at the haiku about you having too much time on your hands...I was all for giving that some points, but a CERTAIN judge would not allow us to include a haiku that made absolutely no mention of a politician at all in the top five...sorry....
Brenna/Kim--7 for you (counting the one about the track money....I wanted to give that one some props too, but Judge Wendy would not allow it--no politician involved, and a few missing syllables...darn that rule follower...)
Sue--4 quantity points for you--going for the quality angle, admit it
Stacy, Kristi and New Guy--I admire your confidence, banking on the quality points to see you through...it's a legit strategy....
Now, on to the quality. Again, I must remind all contestants that these haikus were to be about disgraced politicians. AND I want to remind all that having a few family and/or friends weigh in will help your cause...
Number 5 (this is a tie because I could not choose--) So 10 points each for Brenna/Kim's "hotdog or human" one and Tricia's "...that's why I'm a mom" one. I really like both of these, and since I was not allowed to award points for the "track money" or "go back to college" ones, this will have to suffice. Kim's total for the night: 17, Tricia's=28. Nice job, ladies
Number 4--and again, this is one that I totally appreciated but the boys did not...Sue Chiappetta's Jenny Sanford "house on Sullivan's Island" haiku....clever to me, and I am a bit of a Jenny Sanford fan because she didn't do the "perp" press conference..."we're working on our relationship" bull that all the other wives pull. She put her kids in the car and drove the hell away from the governor's mansion.. she got a house on Sullivan's Island and wrote a best selling book. I'd like to think that's the way I'd play it out.... 20 points for you, Sue, 24 total points for the day. Well done, especially as you are planning a wedding...
Number 3--John Heinzman's Michelle Obama one... Thank the brotherhood for this one, as Michelle Obama (though pretty irritating at times) is not a disgraced politician, per se, but the boys would not be denied. They flat out LOVED this one. And it totally made Wendy and I laugh, too. 30 points for this crowdpleaser.---Also, I'd like to point out a few other John favorites--(especially with the boys...."Dear Mr. Obama, you ignorant piece of shit...", the "Peter Barca wearing plaid", the " Joe Union fat cats", all the "zombie" ones, and of course "the crazed poodle". John, you are one haiku prolific son of a gun...--87 whopping points for you tonight!!!---world record...
Number 2--once again, Stacy sends in one and only one entry and scores big: Her Anthony Weiner haiku was masterful, excellent word choice, nice flow, extremely timely and follows all the rules...a big favorite with the more literate judges (Wendy, me...) 40 very big points, bringing your total to 41--I am enjoying your strategy...it will be interesting to see how it all plays out
Number 1--again a consensus vote--Judy Pulera's "Brokeback bathroom" haiku--while it didn't hurt that Judy had a little fan club following, I have to say, this haiku had everything the judges were looking for: disgraced politician, excellent movie reference, clever phrasing, and subtle humor. Judy, not only are you the push up champ, but you have quite the way with words... 71 great big points for your efforts. I can feel it...This is going to be a race to the finish....keep it coming.
Here is today's big challenge: Write a sentence with as many double letter words as you can. Ex. Matthew's mommy Betty dabbled in bookkeeping while getting her degree in accounting from Mississippi Valley College. (16 sets of double letters) I'm sure you can all do better than that. Remember, cleverness counts and Judge Wendy is a syntax Nazi, so make sure your sentences make sense....
Good luuuck (sorry, fake double letter words do not count)
A little aside to John, if you and Dave McKeon were in the same room, it would tilt so far to the right that everyone else would fall over...no kidding. Also, the Jesse Jackson one made me LMAO. (not a fan)
No top ten tonight, because I've been typing this up for over three hours now...(yeah, I'm going to do great in grad school....with these cracker jack technical skills....)
Thank you judges!!
ReplyDeleteAfter all we are all here to accommodate the committee so they don’t find any hidden and hurried errors in our babble and harass us whilst hamming a dagger in our hearts, such that our frazzled grammar prevents us from bigger pizazz and we are riddled a baffled and hallucinogenic sinner.
ReplyDeleteThe way I count this up there are 22 double letters.
Working on the haiku's exhausted me more than doing push ups!
ReplyDeleteStayed tuned.......
ReplyDeleteRaising the bar.
ReplyDeleteAn annoyed aardvark eating and little apple and a savvy but loose millionaire llama wearing an array of unnecessary hoops walked into a bar at an inn in Mississippi and asked the nutty parrot sitting on a yellow bar stool to see the otter bookkeeper who was annoyed about the eggs that made him ill and ooze when he should have been immune.
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Sleep is overrated. just saying....
ReplyDelete(2)
All of a sudden three furry skinny Hell’s Angels fell off the freeway in Booneville Mississippi following different mammals who were collecting polluted callus ballots for the sassy political committee deciding which sniffling pussies should be hassled by bloggers while eating yummy desserts and wizzing in the creeps’ pools to piss them off while on their way to Tiffany’s to buy some earrings because the Burberry Store was being mall mobbed.
ReplyDelete36 smoke that Johnny (37)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAn annoyed aardvark from Tennessee, eating a little green apple and a savvy but loose millionaire llama wearing an array of unnecessary hoops walked into a bar at an inn in Mississippi and asked the nutty but marooned parrot sitting on a yellow bar stool to see the otter bookkeeper who was annoyed about the eggs they made him for dinner that made him ill, slip into a comma and eventually ooze diarrhea when he should have been immune.
ReplyDelete41 - Don't mess with me. I will not be denied.
The diarrhea reference should be good for the brotherhood vote! ;)
Here goes nothing
ReplyDeleteLost in the addictive babble of a little llama called butterball a bamboozeled hippo named Shannon enjoyed zucchinni pizza and oolong tea while keeping his attention on a sloppy squirrel , surrendering to a deep sleep, have success causing a horrific accident of classy commuters as he was being propelled by a yellow ballon.
Possibly due to Granddads affinity for commuter sideshows it occurred to him it was necessary to trespass on his outrigger,like passable assassins in a horrific blizzard on slippered feet with an apple in hand, to view a glittery marriage carriage of lollipop yellow at the affluent hawaiian getaway the Sapphire Buddhist.
ReplyDeleteI would just like to point out that Hawaiian has 4 vowels in a row does that count for extra credit Judge Wendy???????
A grinning tattooed commando bent on winning the coveted" doorman's caboose" denied to tell,message,discuss or suggest strategies but rather called us to paddle full throttle when it got pretty messy because a ferret colored parrot eating a carrot strumming and humming a common ditty about a toothless tooth fairy who had gotten all a flutter,needing fanning,while planning on canning her fillets in a small filigreed kettle, caused a small accident which caused us to scurry in a hurry out of the way
ReplyDeleteBrenna/Kim nice work, looks like you got about 42 on the grinning tattooed commando. Now I need to edit again. :P
ReplyDeleteNice job, Brenna/Kim and smart thinking shouting out to Judge Wendy. She will listen...as long as you follow the rules. Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteAn annoyed aardvark from Tennessee, eating a little green apple and looking a bit sheepish accompanied by a savvy but loose millionaire llama from Massachusetts wearing an array of unnecessary hoop earrings, who goes by the name of Good Deed Dotty walked into a bar at an inn in Mississippi and asked the nutty but marooned parrot sitting on a yellow bar stool and sipping a beer to see the otter bookkeeper who was annoyed about the eggs they made him for dinner that made him ill, slip into a comma and eventually ooze diarrhea when he should have been immune.
ReplyDeleteUp to 52 - Bring it Bitches! Have to work for the day now. But you can bet that I'll check back before 5 to dominate. PS to the judges. You can thank me anytime for counting my double letters and reporting. Failure to do so should result in disqualification.
Thanks for the props John and Laurie!!!
ReplyDeleteI needed to take a break. I needed to help my son clean off salad dressing, ketchup and feminine pads off my/his car. This would be the fourth incident(eggs, keyed and nails in the tires). The last two possibly are not related but it makes you wonder???? The feminine pads have to be a girl scorned perhaps I'd like to believe no self respecting man would be sticking feminine pads on some guys car.
Just so you know John this BITCH is ready to tussel. Really "BITCH" them be fightin words Sir!!!!!!
Hey Judy maybe we can team up and bring down the masses. I'd ask you to join in tricia but I don't want to be responsible for any maritial strife.
Laurie,you know I need all the help I can get in the extra credit department.
Mr. Heinzman just wanted you to know 30,26 and 42 respectively I definitely don't want to be disqualified on an oversite.
By the way the whole special olympics incident actually brought me to tears. It was beyond dispicible(sp?). I am not sure there is any place lower to slither to ,the slimey bastards!!!!!
Sadly the events of this week have sunk me to an interesting low!!!! But I am helping to bring up the foul language quota for you Laurie.
Now I have to go come up with something that beats 52+. Its only day what 3 and I am exhausted already.
LMAO all ready! You guys are easy.
ReplyDeleteI think it's called a flash mob but since they do it in malls so I combined them for points.
ReplyDeleteSo John, that's all you got so far, dude? You better buck up, dude, because you have no idea what's coming!
ReplyDeleteAre you sure about that "lizard tongue bitch"(you make me laugh) watch this.......
ReplyDeletethe addition of the grinning doorman spinning passable dribble scribbled freehand on the commuters passport propelled the attention of the "buttered pizza pretzel" applicants to applaud with the bedazzeled bookkeepers while awaiting the commencement of the cattle call occurring on three tree street during a sloppy blizzard which left them motionless but they plotted and plodded battling the matter at hand when happenstance would have it three handcuffed yellow booted raccoons with an affinity for tattooed to the elements gladdened the masses allowing them to commence with the matter at hand and killed the cooling attitudes which allowed them to topple their belittled will and admittedly replace it with a winning attitude where by many successfully hammered it home and boggled their possible employers. YAHOO!!!!!
I believe that is 65 Mr. Heinzman.
ReplyDeleteTricia no need to apologize its all in fun! Our chauvanistic egotistical male counterparts have only on gear,full throttle!!!
(despite my above comment I find all men facinating despite their character flaws)
I for got to type in aardvarks after tattooed so that makes it 67 John. Beat that baby!!!!
ReplyDeleteand I forgot submitting ,which is suppose to come after "aardvarks" and before "to the"
ReplyDeleteSO NOW WE ARE AT 68!!!!!!!!
If any one questions this I have my scribbles to prove it!!!!!
The biggest,successful,outdoor three-day bell-bottomed hippie,weed smokin,all night free love, flower powerVW beetles and beetle vans, endless poppin shrooms was Woodstock Music Festival of 1969 held in a village in Wallkill, NY, which encountered many challenges and issues at the beginning of the three-day event such as excessive rain interruptions, parking issues, food supply shortages,excess attendance,flooded ticket gate barriers, teenager killed by tractor as he was asleep in his sleeping bag, traffic jams,muddy fields but the bell-bottomed hippies were happily entertained by Johnny Winter, Blood,Sweat and Tears,Jefferson Airplane,Creedence Clearwater,Canned Heat,Sweet Water, Bert Somme,Quill,Keef Hartley Band, Crosby Still Nash and Young, and the Paul Butterfield Blue Band but even though there were no-show musicians such as, Led Zepplin, Tommy James &the Shondells,Jethro Tull and the Moody Blues and a cancellation by Joni Mitchell, the estimated possible million hippies partied at the most well known ,biggest and successful outdoor thriller and killer outdoor event, Woodstock 1969.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you mean Led Zeppelin didn't show up?
ReplyDeleteLooks like jpulera and brenna are tied at 68 unless I miscounted. You guys are good.
ReplyDeleteIn the wee hours of a chilly,freezing, sleeting and weekday morning as I was driving on Wall Street in my green messy Jeep Cherokee and listening to satellite radio I was heading to Piggly wiggly, Woodmans, Walgreens and the Dollar Store when I grabbed tightly onto my steering wheel as I was grappling for my cell phone In my Burberry purse to call my friends, Donna, Patti, Kerry Maureen, Shelly, Anne, Peggy, Jill, Krissy, Alissa, Jenny, Betty, Kimmy, Farrah,Sarrah, Missy, Polly, Holly, and Sherry to see if they needed any eggs, eggos, swiss cheese, cheese pizzas, cheerios, cherry jello, strawberry jello, blackberry jello, root beer koolade, cherry koolade, Miller beer, Coors beer, cookies, butter, Sunny Delight, apple juice, apples, cherries, lettuce, floss, floor cleaner, red bull, jelly, gleem toothpaste and lip gloss so they wouldn't have hurry and scurry themselves after halling ass all day for their families.
ReplyDeleteIn my current Abbott office, I am utterly appalled by the sheer and pressing need to address good cell phone etiquette, and I am fully committed to discuss the embarrassing manner in which too many of my scummy peers successfully connect and aggressively tweet during dull meetings while I swallow my sweetened coffee, assess their carelessness, feel full-blown bitterness at their feeble attitudes, and support collectively cramming these irreplaceable little Blackberries totally up all of their foolish, sorry asses.
ReplyDelete(Sorry for the rant. What's the contest again?)
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I am too happy because this summer I will be traveling with my poodle, Farrah and my little kitty, Holly Merry, in my yellow corvette and bopping to my satellite radio and listening to the Cubbies on my way to Lottville, Mississippi to attend and see all of the Schitt Family, Dip Schitt, Chicken Schitt, Pisa Schitt, Bull Schitt, Dumb Schitt, Loda Schitt, Giva Schitt, Deep Schitt, Knee Deep N. Schitt, Noe Schitt-Sherlock, O.Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Awe Schitt, Holie Schitt and Jack Schitt as we feast on meatball bombers, cheese pizzas, apple pie, cheese cake, chees burgers and will be drinking Miller beer, Coors beer, root beer, cherry koolade, pineapple juice and freshly squeezed apple juice and freezes for the kiddies as we share happy memories from our old neighborhood in Liddell, Mississippi and plan the next Schitt neighborhood reunion and look forward to keeping in touch through our twitter accounts, Apple iPads, Apple iPhones, Apple computers and texting on our blackberry or cell phones all day, all night and all year round.
ReplyDeleteA Gentle reminder
ReplyDelete“you will all have until five o'clock to submit your best effort”
An annoyed aardvark from Chattanooga Tennessee, eating a little green apple and looking a bit sheepish; accompanied by a savvy but loose millionaire llama from Wellfleet, Massachusetts wearing an array of unnecessary hoop earrings, who goes by the name of Good Deed Dotty, walked into a bar, at an inn, in Coffeeville, Mississippi and asked Jennifer the Squirrel who was behind the bar made of different exotic hardwoods, to see William the Otter, a Bookkeeper from Willington, Connecticut who was annoyed about the rotten eggs they cooked him for dinner that made him ill, slip into a comma and eventually ooze diarrhea when he should have been immune but was immediately differed to the nutty, marooned parrot (Psittacidae meaning true parrot), Larry from a tropical savanna in Kenya, that shared his habitat under his tree with Willy the Wildebeest, Bobby the Buffalo and a gaggle of random Gazelles, who was sitting on a yellow bar stool and was sipping a beer brewed in Morocco with a sleepy opossum named Sally, curled up next to him (who, by the way, is said to know the shooter that was behind the grassy knoll in Dallas, on a post summer day, November Nineteen hundred sixty-three that killed John F. Kennedy; a commando Giraffe with a crooked neck named Jeff that is still on the lose an planning another such attack in modern day) when suddenly Michelle Obama appeared to the masses, belittled them with an arrogant attitude, skillfully killed them and after filleting them all, commenced to eating them one by one after slathering their carcasses with fatty butter so that her fat ass, that even the meandering alligators which arrived for the discarded bones could not begin to get their jaws around since it was even bigger than her husbands gross, immense, colossal, massive, mammoth, whopping but most definitely barn door sized ego, would continue in it’s growth pattern unlike the US economy.
The End
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Wow Judy thats all I gotta say. I believe according to the rules my time is up at 5pm and thats in 3minutes. How many was the last one? You rock baby!!!
ReplyDeleteLaurie where has Jamarcus been I bet he'd be good at these.Also Miss Congeniality where are you?????????
ANd just in case the judges will not allow a run on sentence which in literature is common.
ReplyDeleteAn annoyed aardvark from Chattanooga Tennessee, eating a little green apple and looking a bit sheepish walked into a bar.
There is no punch line but 12 double letters.
In my Woodstock post....in need a correction after Joni Mitchell
ReplyDeleteWrong...Joni Mitchell, the
right...Joni Mitchell,as
It's now 5 pm contest is closed - so sad. :(
ReplyDeleteJohn stop typing and get home to get rid of the headless squirrel on the patio - eewww.
ReplyDeleteOk you have no idea how hard this is for me to type.... I bow to you o great one. Nice Job John!!!
ReplyDeleteOr should I say, well played!!!!!
ReplyDeleteTotally mind boggling that all you peeps patted in such terrific ditties seeming mindlessly happy that you were frittering away the thirteenth.
ReplyDelete(I know this didn't count but I had to get at least one in--was gone all day!) ;)