you can't scare me, I have kids: September 2010

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Publish or bust

Well, well, well, will you look at this?--46 followers!! Jackpot---Seven more than my age...ish....

A BIG blog welcome to the Ault family--all the way from Dubai, which is VERY far away and now makes my blog totally international. Also, Pia Ault has a blog of her own called "Life in the Sandbox" about her family's adventures living in Dubai. I looked it up yesterday and, it's pretty major: First of all, her blog has a great background and many interesting photos...from Dubai....and all of these other cool places that they have visited...in person.... Even if I knew how to insert photos, they would only be of my shidiot kids (Adult ADD digression alert: Jack made his confirmation yesterday and I have a picture of him where it looks like the Archbishop is PUNCHING him. I so wish I could insert it, because it makes me laugh my ass off every time I look at it...) or the cement block foundation of my sister Wendy's new house (I am shamelessly including her name in EVERY single post, so that I am her all time favorite who will not be denied access to the summer house...) Pia's latest post (with photos) was about them trekking through Nepal, ...the real Nepal, like in the Himalayas...I'm serious. How the hell do I compete with that? First that goddamn Mark Titus and his tryout with the Harlem Globetrotters and now this? The only trek I've made is walking up and down the bleachers at Horlick Field during Jack's football game on Saturday...(Well, they were kind of steep--and it was kind of dangerous because the Racine County Juvenile Detention Center---aka--future home of Pete McKeon--- was right down the street...) However, I will be trekking to Target later to buy some boxers for the boys...it's just like Nepal....Shiiiittt. I have GOT to stop looking at other people's blogs. It's so demoralizing.

I would also like to personally thank Patty and Joe Laken for signing up as followers of the blog separately, thus inflating my numbers. Smart thinking...(not to worry, Mike and Katie Casper, I'll take you together or a part--at least you guys signed on...and with a very cute photo, I might add...) I am all about the numbers, because, as I have blatantly admitted all along, I am totally trolling for a book deal. I'm not sure how this blog somehow morphs into a book deal, (which might be good information to know--but again, like I'm ever going to figure that out....I CAN'T CHANGE THE BACKGROUND ON MY OWN BLOG) but I firmly believe with all of my heart and soul that the black magic of the cyberworld will make my book dream deal come true. ... I think it has something to do with the number of hits and followers you have. so, I truly appreciate every single follower out there....Feel free to sign on twice under an assumed name...The "Shit my Father Says" guy got a book deal AND a TV series, from a goddamn twitter following so it's obviously not impossible...improbable, sure, but not impossible

And since I've now seen two other blogs, I am majorly appreciative of every single follower even more so, because I realize now, that all of you could actually be reading some legitimately interesting shit (as opposed to the crap I write)...However, I'm not even going to pretend that my blog will EVER have any real knowledge or opinions about anything global, highbrow, educational or even remotely related to Dubai, Nepal, the European Union, Trade deficits, Peace in the Middle East (I'm for it, by the way) or even the Harlem Globetrotters because.. I really don't get out that much....and I don't know anyone cool and famous...and as we all know, I can't even change the goddamn background on my own blog...so, let's just be perfectly clear on what you're getting here...Words on a page...that's all I can do. Words on a page....and not particularly smart words at that...just lots of them...And I can only hope, with the fervor of a seventeenth century virgin martyr, (left over Confirmation talk..) that words on a page will be enough to some day capture the ever elusive book deal...

(Long Digression--feel free to skip down to today's topic...it won't hurt my feelings, I'm already getting credit for your blog traffic) I have long held the deep down desire to publish a book. (not just write a book, that would just be stupid and kind of pointless...I want to get paid for it....not a lot, just some legitimate, currency exchanging hands...) This is true. In my freshman year of college, one of my professors made us write about our family's best Christmas tradition...For those of you who know my family, you will not be surprised to hear that the only thing I could come up with to write about was my family's awful habit of melting down into a huge squawking, fighting mob every Holiday season.(my parents were so proud)..I only got a B on the paper, but somehow it got published in the Notre Dame student magazine. I found that I rather liked seeing my words in print...As a matter of fact, at my most recent college reunion, Bridget Sly (a fellow ND alumnae) remembered my holiday essay and said: "I always thought that you would write a book some day". Flash forward a few years...In 1993, the year we moved to Duluth, Minnesota ( just like Dubai...only 200 degrees colder) I began the tradition of writing our annual Christmas letter, full of high spirited prose about my family and their mildly amusing antics....It appeared to be a crowd pleaser, and again, people would say: "Oh, you should write a book"... Of course, I realize that these people were just being nice but I did have the delusional hope that somehow, some way, my Christmas letter would fall into the hands of a kindly publisher who would make me an offer to write a charming, witty anecdote laden book.....Shocker...that never happened...(It did however --via my friend and follower Sue Chiappetta-- fall into the hands of an ex Notre Dame cheerleader that I never met who picked me out of the crowd at an ND tailgater and could accurately name all of my kids, and their ages...thus besting my mother-in-law, who once asked at a family function while pointing to Nate "Which one is this?")...life continues....blah, blah, blah..time passes, many Christmas letters, still no book deal...then, .a few years ago, I was chosen to write a monthly column for the internationally acclaimed Kenosha News, at the hightly competitive salary of $50 a column (Dave McKeon's comment: "No offense, Laurie, but that $50 doesn't even cover your diet Dr. Pepper habit for a week."). I will admit that some where in the deep recesses of my soul, I was secretly hoping that this would be my big break. People with publishing connections surely read newspapers...every day...it's their business....somebody, some where, would love "my writing style" (haha, like I have one) and offer me a three book deal, front loaded with a signing bonus big enough to pay for a month's supply of Diet Dr. Pepper (see, I'm not really looking to hit the pay window very hard, just a little compensation for the effort). I know you will find this VERY hard to believe, but that did not happen....At all... Ever. Moreover, when my two year commitment to the News was over, they totally gave me the bum's rush...without so much as a "good luck,you sorry hack"--no, I'm not bitter.... (Some day, I will attach all of my Kenosha News columns to this blog...once somebody --and I'm talking to you, Kim Westphal, shows me how...). So, honestly, this is my last chance, this is it. This pathetic, photoless, bird flying backgrounded blog has to parlay me into the big time book deal realm--and I am not too proud to do it on the backs of you, my loyal followers. And I mean that in the nicest possible way...Spread the word., please...Don't make me beg..

Man, this was one long-ass digression....sorry, ...hope most of you skipped it...In summary--take aways from this digression: 1. I've wanted a book deal for a really long time, 2. I am the world's biggest one trick pony, as I am only able to write about my stupid, shid crazy family...(which could possibly explain the lack of book deal)

Today's topic..(provided you have lived long enough to make it through that intro)..is all about the Periodical...you know, magazines..I am a big reader and would read all the live long day if I could, and while I love books, (another post, another day) I am also a HUGE fan of the magazine. As every parent/chauffeur knows, the magazine with its nugget sized articles makes for perfect reading when your day consists of continual half hour loops between school, the orthodontist, soccer, play practice, the dry cleaners, Pick and Save, tennis lessons and rehab (physical, not drug...yet...) In total disclosure, I subscribe to a fat ton of magazines....some better than others. And one of the many perks in my line of work (not blogger, but my real job as livery service to doctor's/dentist and hair appointments...) I have the opportunity to sample many, many magazines that are not delivered to my door..below are some fine local establishments and how their magazine selections stacks up:

The Flair:--Great selection of slick gossip mags, (including OK, which I would never buy, but will totally read covertly) some upscale Decor ones, and a few more intellectual choices...I have been known to "borrow" a magazine or two from here, when in the middle of an article....I stole my first GQ from the Flair...sorry, Susie Fani.....
Dr. John Crawford's office--Has a few too many cheerleading and fishing magazines, over all a good well rounded selection of the basics, with SI, Newsweek, Good Housekeeping, etc...but nothing that I would want to steal....(Also, has a random Tremper year book....what's up with that?)
Pediatric Dentistry--Selection similar to Crawford's office, but I once got sucked into a Midwest Living Magazine, because it was listing the top 10 midwest beaches....and no, I did not steal it...(our orthodontist in Shaker Heights had the most unbelievable assortment of magazines--I put braces on all of my kids just to have the chance to sit in his fancy office and scroll through his periodicals on a weekly basis...)
National Pride Auto Center---A little skewed toward the Car and Driver set...not unexpected, but also has back issues of Esquire and Men's Health, which though heavy on the Jessica Beil photos, are always interesting,.... somewhat disturbing, but interesting....However, I think the mechanics must oogle Timberlake's woman during slow times, as the magazine seem a little "oily"....
United Hospital's Physical Therapy Lobby---Nothing notable here...just a lot of Redbooks and a few Good Housekeepings. There was one Runner's World, but I stole it..."How to Lose 5, 10 or 20 pounds? " I couldn't pass it up....sorry, now their selection really sucks
United Hospital Lab Lobby---way too many "large print" magazines.Also, way too many old people reading those magazines and hogging two seats with their canes, walkers, and oxygen tanks (this is why I did not go into health care...the sick people) I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I'm sure everyone there is getting tested for swine flu or scabies...
Lakeside Pediatrics--fine, fine doctors, the world's best office manager (shout out to Tina Lampe), Annie's summer employer, but seriously, the worst magazine selection I have EVER seen..The only magazines they have are those free ones that must come from Children's Services...Modern Parent, and Working Mother,...those kinds... and while I'm sure the intent is to force a certain client demographic to actually read these publications and subliminally pick up some parenting knowledge from them, what is really happening is that the other portion of their client base (me, with Health insurance and a checking account) is pissed off because all that's left to read is a chewed on 1983 hard back copy of "Horton Hears a Whoooo". Bring a Book..or you will be forced to make eye contact with moms who graduated from high school with Annie....

As I said, I read many fine periodicals. Below are some of my favorites:

People--it's a classic ...I'm not kidding, I love this magazine. and am not ashamed to admit it....When we were first married, Dave was too embarrassed to have this in our grocery cart, so, I got a subscription. It comes every Thursday and provides me with exactly 45 minutes of glorious, brainless cover to cover total enjoyment...Now that I have this world-wide blog, I am writing off my subscription as a business expense--"research"....
GQ--the funniest article I ever read was in the GQ I stole from the Flair, about a guy who fell headfirst into his septic tank on Christmas Eve...Honest to God, I was laughing so hard, I was willing to risk jail time just to finish it....really great writing, pretty intellectual, but totally hip...The comedy issue with Zack Galifanakas...(however you spell it) was crazy hilarious. Also, the fashion tips are not bad...especially if you are gay....
Sports Illustrated--another weekly --(which I love)--full of great sports info, not too stats heavy, and does not disappoint in its ability to weave gossip and freaky personal information into every article. The last article in every issue, the one closest to the back, is usually really great...And who doesn't love "Faces in the Crowd?" Rick Reilly made a HUGE mistake walking away from this publication...he is no where near as funny as Kenny Mayne on ESPN... and never will be...
Vanity Fair--pound for pound the best magazine out there...nice mix of high and low brow, with enough snarky comments to keep things hopping...usually manages to balance celebrity and socialite gossip (many great Jackie O or Kennedy related stories) with well informed political and literary articles written by many famous people. The last issue had the only article on the Greek economic crisis that I would willingly read. Now, I am an expert...(I'm writing this with a straight face)
Lucky--This is a magazine about shopping and doesn't pretend to be anything else. What's not to love?
Cookie--Despite its really stupid name, this was the only true upscale magazine about children..and more importantly beautiful children's clothing and furnishings. I think Jane McTernan and I were its only two midwestern subscribers..... I loved it because it never had one single article about making crafts with your kids....Surprisingly, it is no longer in print..
Chicago Magazine--This magazine allows me to live under the delusion that I will actually go into the city and have a social life. I love to read about the new exhibits, restaurants and shops that open and pretend that I will actually go there....Also, there is usually at least one article about a corrupt politician or messy Chicago divorce (read the one about that Bob Rohrman, the car dealer--oohh) and I confess that I find those irresistible.
Town and Country- Beautiful photos, excellent gift ideas, high end travel advice and every now and then I see someone I know in the Wedding Announcements or at one of the featured Galas... makes me feel like a somebody...(as opposed to the New Yorker...see below...)
Real Simple--Straight forward magazine with great (simple) advice about products from food to lipstick. The cleaning issue is a keeper. I'm think about laminating mine.
Marie Claire--the best of the "young woman" magazines...which I should probably not be reading at age of 39...ish... Way better than mademoiselle, cosmo or Elle. More issue based, than fashion and always has a titillating first person tell all like "I was a Mail-Order Bride" or "My Life as a Columbian Drug Mule". Hooks me EVERY time...
Highlights--We do not get this one at home, but it is a favorite at every other doctor's office across the continental US EXCEPT Lakeside Pediatrics. We can while a way hours of waiting room fun with Goofus and Gallant (aka Chris and Jack/Pete and Nate), the Art mail bag and, of course, the "Hidden Pictures" , ....unless some little bastard circled all the answers...Do NOT let your kid circle the answers, you are just supposed to find them, mark them in your head, and leave the magazine unblemished for the next germy kid....waiting room etiquette, look it up...
Reader's Digest--a total oldster magazine, but my mom gives me a subscription every Christmas. This is perfect to keep in your car and whip out when the soccer coach makes your kid take another lap, or when junior is still getting his braces adjusted...Aaaahhh....Laughter really is the Best Medicine, and It pays to enrich your Word Power. I seriously do read this..it's like comfort food...
Veranda--This is the best of the decorating magazines, (beautiful photos, perfect rooms) followed by Elle Decor. Architectural Digest is so over rated and every house in the midwest they feature is done by Stanley Tigerman or his lame wife and looks like a damn pole barn...you know it's true...I used to subscribe to it just for the renovation issue...but even that can't make up for the pole barns...

Finally, here is a list of magazine that I know I should read, I really should, but I just can't seem to make it happen:

The New Yorker--way too many words, way too small print. I've subscribed to this on and off for years, but just can't get past the fact that, believe it or not, it's all about New York--it has a bit of an attitude and always makes me feel like some sort of yokelly, rube....And seriously, I don't need one more thing in my life that makes me feel like a yokelly rube..
Consumer Reports--I should probably care what their ratings are, but the photos and graphics are so ugly that I can't focus on the words...Real Simple is just better and prettier...Besides, I am married to Consumer Reports on steroids...Dave McKeon did six months of research before buying a new umbrella (true story)...
Rolling Stone...I concede, I am just not hip enough or high enough to read this magazine. I sleep just fine at night with that concession being made....
Vogue--Great in theory, but chock full of non wearable fashions, scrawny, tarted up models, and crappy articles....(ie--no tell alls, no celeb divorces...) Tons of ads, too many perfume samples..
US Weekly--I cannot read this because somehow it seems like a betrayal of my beloved People...Wendy can read it however, and does so with gusto...word on the street, so do the Ambro girls....which makes me like them even more.
Architectural Digest---see above
Parents, Family Fun, and any other "parenting" magazine---seriously, don't tell me how to live my life...
US News and World Report--supposedly the least biased of all of the "news" magazine...Definitely the ugliest....and no real gossip...Other than the college rankings, which are on line, it has no value at all to me...
The Ligorian Magazine--Except for Nancy Joyce, none of you even know what this is, do you? Well, it is a Catholic Family Magazine that we subscribed to for years, because at my kids old school, one of their big fundraisers was a magazine sale and the kids got extra points for selling subscriptions to the Ligorian...at one point we had like a life time subscription...Don't tell Sr. Bernard Marie, but we never even cracked the binding on it...Nine years out of Ohio, and it finally ran out....Talk about no celebrity gossip or high end fashion....
Harper's (not Harper's Bazaar)--Really, I should love this magazine, but it's just so smug and full of itself...and depressing cutting edge fiction...that I just can't get into it...Possibly because it has the feel of a pretentious writer's work shop...get over yourself...
Bon Appetit or Gourmet--as much as I love to eat, one would think that I would at least kind of like these publications...Well, I don't. I have no interest in spending five days making a seven layer chocolate ganache cake with organic, free range imported chocolate. I am, however, extremely interested in spending five days eating a fancy gourmet free range chocolate cake that some one else makes, so I hope that some of my friends actually get and enjoy this magazine...

Hope you all indulge in a periodical or two. If you know of a good one that I am missing, please let me know...(And don't say Maxim, Chris McKeon...I am way too old to look at that much cleavage, and I know that you are not reading it for the articles...)

Sorry no top ten today...Possibly BECAUSE THIS IS THE LONGEST BLOG IN ALL OF BLOGGENDOM and still no one has told me how to change my ugly background.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Congratulations!? It's a boy...

Shoot off that air cannon and let's make some noise--Over 1,000 hits and counting. I must admit, I was super excited about the 1000 hits this month, and was riding pretty high...

So, feeling somewhat full of myself, I decided to gauge just how impressive this accomplishment is by checking out another blog to see how many hits it had. If you recall, I admitted in my first post that I'd never actually read a blog before and this was true. So, I only really know of one other blog and it is one that the young Chris McKeon throws up in my face daily. It is called Club Trill or the Trillion Man March or something like that and is written by a kid named Mark "the Shark" Titus who walked on to the Ohio State basketball team. So I google Club Trill (like the super techie that I am...not) find his blog, and suddenly want to puke...Seriously, this blog has all of these cool photos and a title page and fancy ass graphics and imbedded vidoes and stuff highlighted in colors. .. and most sickening of all, big as life, flashing like my mother's 1982 VCR, is a red sign screaming out that he has over 3,000,000,000 hits. Holy Crap, this kid is serving more people than McDonald's. Makes my 1,000 hits look just a little tiny bit puny and pathetic ... Damn... and to make matters worse, he is really, really funny, appears to have gotten a book deal and had a chance to try out for the Harlem Globetrotters...I must admit, I am frighteningly jealous. If this is what is out there on other people's blogs, I'm all done roaming the internet highway and checking out the competition. I've got plenty of other things in my life that make me feel inadequate, I sure as hell don't need some 22 year old's blog to bring me down...So, for now, I am.just sticking to my own low tech, faceless posts, with no bloggy tricks or cool gimmicks. (However, if anyone knows how to change my background from those creepy flying birds, to something a little less new agey, I sure wouldn't say no. Also, if anyone knows how to get this blog to automatically notify people when it gets updated that'd be great too...)
...

Anyhow, I'd like to welcome Matt Mattuecci and his extended family to the blog. If anyone can get us to the next level, it's the Mattueccis. If each Mattuecci kid just checked my blog once a day, we'd be golden. I'm counting on you, Stella--does that "Leapster" get the internet?

Speaking of Mattueccis (let's see you and your flashing sign make a smooth segue like that, Mark "the shark" Titus), as I came blowing into boot camp at 5:17am the other day, late as usual, (stretching is over rated, an extra two minutes of sleep is not) I found my friend Beth Mattuecci, mother of nine--yes, nine kids. and another boot camp mom deep in discussion about their young sons. They were noting the rather distinct (nonanatomical) differences between boys and girls. And honestly, ask any mom. Boys really do have a perspective all their own, which is what makes them so confounding to their moms. Boys see life as one frame of film at a time, rather than as a connected reel, Meaning, that they fail to realize that the action they take at this exact moment will have consequences, most likely very bad ones, very soon after. I've seen my boys throw a ball, dart, paperweight, roll of pennies, whatever in the house, in front of a window, and then be genuinely puzzled when that window shatters. Once, Jack asked his brothers to wind him up from his neck to his ankles with a really long rope and then he wanted them to pull the rope, anticipating that he would spin like a top....Hard to believe, but Jack was super surprised when the rope trick didn't work out as planned and he fell flat on his face and broke his nose. His explanation? "Well, it worked on the cartoon..." (Jack will be attending a local regional college this fall...possibly learning how to "drive a big rig"..)

My favorite cousin-in-law (and loyal blog follower) Amy Parker recently found out that she is having a baby boy!! She already has two adorable girls (Shout out to Olivia "I'm in love with Nate McKeon" and Ava "can I choke it?" Parker) and is super psyched about having a son. So is her husband, so are the girls...Well, that's just great.You go on out and buy that blue baby blanket, and that little baby baseball glove. Sure, spring for the tiny golf clubs and the hockey skates, too. But then, start saving your money, because there are lots of expenses that nobody warns you about when you have a son. Once your boy arrives, you better be ready to pony up for the following fifty essentials for raising a son. Here they are in no particular order:

Extra home owner's insurance--your son will trash your house. Don't say I didn't warn you
An umbrella policy -- your son will trash your neighbors' stuff, too...his fence, windows, garage door, pets, mailbox..you will need the extra coverage to protect your assets...I'm not kidding, be prepared.
Apology gifts--you will be saying "sorry" to so many people for all of the property and bodily damage that your son inflicts that you will have FTD delivery on speed dial....
Teacher's gifts--start sucking up now...Most teachers favor the girls.(can you blame them?) Be ready to buy your way into your son's teachers' good graces. Money well spent.
The extended warranty--just get it...on everything..trust me..
Babysitters---you will want to escape your son like nobody's business. Hire a sitter, be prepared to overpay...
Babysitter gifts---don't skimp here. You need that sitter...
Plumbers--boys clog toilets, all the time....they also break faucets...alot
Toilet paper--I'm not sure what they do with it, besides clog the toilets, but they sure don't use it to wipe down the toilet seat
Glass--of every variety...windows, doors, tumblers, Christmas ornaments, Halloween decorations, antique bowls, light bulbs--be prepared to double down on anything breakable, Fifty percent of what you own won't make it past the first five years. Start putting that crystal away now, Amy Parker, and only decorate the top half of your Christmas Tree...
Plastic--just start buying plastic, plates, cups, sheets, tablecloths, car seats, toys... We still use plastic dishes and my boys are in high school.... Jack is a "breaker". My sister Wendy just gave up all together and uses high grade disposables.
Metal Bars or chicken wire--soon enough you will just go with the "prison" look and cover your windows with bars and/or chicken wire, to protect the glass and your sanity
Touch up paint--Do not underestimate how often you will need this...label it, save it, hide it or it will be used to paint somebody's skateboard.
Therapy--for you, not them
Advil, Tylenol, Maalox, and any other over the counter pain/ulcer reliever...again, for you.
Tutors--"school is not their thing..."
Clorox wipes---no boy (or man) has good aim, clorox kills all germs. Stock up. You cannot have too many of these. Also can be used to wipe human faces, hands, fannies, etc. Bleach is good for you.
409, Mr. Clean, Soft Scrub, and any other highly effective, somewhat abrasive cleaning products, preferable the kind with bleach--not as great on faces....highly effective for washing out potty mouths....
Oxy-clean--by the bucketload
Fabreze --it works, buy it.
Deodorant- they won't use it until they are twelve, despite that fact that they need it when they are nine
AXE--that super stinky deodorant stuff which they will begin to totally OVER use at the age of 13
Breakfast Cereal--the sugar coated kind. (preferably)...This is the total mainstay of all boy's diets and the fall back lunch, dinner and snack. Stock up--A houseful of boys can go through a box of cereal in one sitting, especially if it is cocoa crispies....
Chocolate milk--the elixir of life for young boys. Many fine restaurants will make some for you. Who doesn't love paying $7 for a glass of chocolate milk at Smith and Wolenskys?
Easy Mac---world's greatest food invention. Easy to make, easy to eat...hence the name...
Fast food--I would hate to add up the thousands of dollars that we have spent under the Golden Arches. That last billion they served was on our tab. Your welcome, Ray Kroc...
Cabinet doors--kitchen, bathroom, laundry room, etc- According to my boys "they just fall off."..WHEN YOU STAND ON THEM..don't ask, just take my word for it. You will be replacing doors of all varieties
Cabinet/door knobs--same theory--boys will stand on them, (especially the little knobs on your bathroom vanity), to turn on the sink, to look at the mustache they think they can grow, to spit toothpaste at their own reflection....
Step stools--you will buy these. they will not use them...see number 27 and 28...
Gates-- for the top of the stairs, bottom of the stairs, the living room, the china cabinet, the top of his crib (what? you can gate a kid inside their crib...it's for his own good...)
Locks... for your bedroom door, your bathroom door, his bedroom door, (What? you can lock a kid in his own room...it's for this own good), the regrigerator (Jack could open our side by side before he could walk...He would and did eat anything he could get his hands on--raw bacon kiwi, eggs, cold pizza)---
Tools, especially the kind that can pick locks or take off doors.
Bicycles, --none of which will have seats, kickstands, handlebars or training wheels for very long
Bicycle parts
Anything with pedals--do NOT fall for the electric riding toys or video games... make them run, scoot, pedal or jump--do not forget that the whole focus of your day is to wear your little boy out so thoroughly that he cannot stay awake past 8pm. This is also why you need to keep your son in organized sports as long as possible--- to wear your big boy out so thoroughly that he is too tired to hot wire a car or hold up the local 7-11.
Balls--baseball, soccer, football, tennis, golf, ping pong and the manly kind...it takes some serious balls to raise a house full of boys...
Helmets--of all types, bike, football, hockey, pith. They will not wear them, but at least you are not lying when the pediatrician asks if you have bike helmets....
Pads--knee, shoulder, wrist, mattress....(boys wet the bed more than girls)
Stock in Dicks Sporting Goods--big and little boy shangra-la
Antibiotics--your son will have strep throat alot, because he will drink out of someone else's germy water bottle...all day long...until he is an adult...because he has no recall that he got strep JUST LAST WEEK...from somebody's germy water bottle
Band aids--flex fabric, water proof, blister protection....boys chafe alot
Anti fungal lotion--they will wear random shoes from virtual stangers. Right now, Nate is wearing some bright blue soccer shoes that he got from some kid on his team--it makes me sick, but I can't stop him. He says that new shoes hurt his feet. He used to wear Chris' hand me downs, but now they are the same size.., I will not let him bring these contraband shoes in my house...
ACE bandages, slings, crutches, heating pads, ice packs....
Gloves--baseball, linemen, receiver, goalie, winter, golf, hockey, boxing...all of the above
Dental insurance, preferably the kind that covers braces--your son will knock out his tooth, or his brother's tooth. (especially once you buy the boxing gloves) He will also swallow some part of his braces...this is scientific fact
Auto insurance--you will pay through the nose to protect the rest of the world from your son's shidiotic driving antics. Get used to it...
A bail bondsman--
A good lawyer
A "friend" on the police force
A fifth year of college---Don't get any ideas, McKeon Boys. Anything over four years is on you. However, it really is true that it takes longer for boys to graduate college...Shocker, there.

So, for all of you with sons, who thought you were getting off easy with no ponies, nose jobs, feminine hygiene products and weddings to pay for, guess what? Your son is the gift that keeps on giving....good damn luck, and keep socking away the funds....all the really good, effective anger management and behavioral therapy classes makes you pay upfront....

Today's top ten:

Stupid Mark Titus and his stupid ass blog--it really is good, go read it...I won't hold it against you
Teddy Nickels--again--he and his broken leg got voted in as Homecoming King at Benet High School. Who says people discriminate against the handicapped?
Sports Illustrated--I read this magazine cover to cover, this week's issue was particularly good, especially that artice about that kid who plays both ways for Stanford...he is something else, and has a 3.8 GPA...I fear he is going to rip Dayne Christ's head off on Saturday....
Grey Goose and cranberry juice---good for a urinary tract infection...good for taking the edge off. a long day dealing with boys..
Hershey's with almonds--I should know, I just ate two of them while typing this top ten (the big ones, not the fun size. Note to candy marketers...there is nothing fun about a tiny candy bar....)
Patti Hansen--the one who is married to Keith Richards. Did you see her in People magazine? Christ, she looks amazing...bitch...and she has some really cute boots on in the picture....
Beth Mattuecci--it is her birthday, she looks like she is 29, and she has nine kids...and Beth has some sweet boots, too....the new Tory Burch ones...and she doesn't have to sleep with Keith Richards...take that Patti Hansen...
Modern Family--the season opener did not disappoint
My new J. Crew cropped black pants with the pleats...kind of retro, cover a multitude of middle aged figure flaws.
Any and all Jen Lancaster books--She is one of the funniest writers. She lives in Chicago. We should totally be BFFs....

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Homecoming?

Helloooo 36 followers....Hola! Maggie Nickels, welcome to the fold all the way from Mexico--my first "international" follower--this thing is bigger than all of us. I got back Saturday night from a whirlwind trip to Michigan...(much accomplished, much still to do... ).Watched that awful ND/Michigan State game (fake field goal? Yeah, you better have a heart attack Mike Dantonio) and stopped counting the number of times Dave called someone a p***y once it hit triple digits (in the first quarter). And now I am ready to get my blog on....

First, major apologies to Sara Pond for giving Brian Pond the Top Ten nod and the green wave of jealousy regarding the Tosh.0 tickets in my last post. I don't want to be pointing any fingers or anything, but it does seem just a wee little bit p***y to take credit for those sweet, sweet tickets that your lovely wife worked so hard to obtain...I'm just saying....However, as someone whose email address has read DAVEMCKEON for the past eight years, (Dave set up our email account while I was still living in Ohio with the kids, only included his name and believe it or not, I could never figure out how to fix it.) I should have been a little suspicious of the Brian Pond monicker. My mistake...please, I sure don't want this blog to interfere with any one's marriage, including my own, so let's just blame this one on me...

Speaking of my marriage, I asked Dave McKeon to sit down and read my last post, since he was the headliner, and he said--this is a true story--- "No offense, Laurie, but I don't really give a shit what you write,. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I really don't want to have to read your blog stuff, I already know all the stupid shit that our kids do, I had to live through it the first time,... Just promise me two things: 1. Don't write anything that can get me fired, and 2. Try to turn a buck on this whole thing, because I can't work forever and these kids aren't getting any cheaper. (This is more input than Dave had when we found out we were having our first baby : "I don't know anything about kids. I assume you do. but just promise me one thing....if it's a boy, get it circumsized.").

Now, on to today's topic: Fall is in the air, the leaves are turning, the apples are ripe, Notre Dame sucks at football and it's time for the McKeon boys to find some Homecoming dates....

Oh my ever loving God, on what particular day was it decided that in order to get a date to a high school dance, you had to have a whole theatrical peformance, complete with props, accessories and swag bags? As the mother of four sons, I want to find out how this whole "big ask" to the dance started and I personally want to be the one to drive a stake thru its godforsaken heart.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of raising adolescents in the last decade you may not be aware that it is no longer acceptable to ask a girl to a dance by calling her on the phone or better yet, asking her in person while standing awkwardly at her locker. Oh, no, these days, in order to get a date, (or at least for MY kids to get a date) you need some clever "hook" or gimmick, usually involving flowers, candy, music, candles, dancing, hand puppets, a small football, more candy, gift wrap, fire jugglers or all of the above. Generally, I've been told, this ask is done in front of a hallway, classroom or stadium full of people, thus, showing the world just how great a date you will be.... My theory is the "big ask" is intended to bribe, guilt and/or shame some poor classmate, in front of their peers, into being your date. Now, we all know that I am a strong proponent of properly employed bribes, guilt and shame, but seriously? Do you really need a 12 piece orchestra, glow in the dark posters and a custom made t-shirt to ask someone to a high school dance? Well, according to my sons, yes, you do.

When Annie started high school, it seemed really sweet that boys would ask her to dances with flowers and candy. One prospective Romeo even spelled out "ANNIE, PROM?" in our driveway with votive candles. I think another spelled in out with rocks on the beach. But to be honest, other than the candy, which I ate, I never really gave "the ask" much thought.

Then Chris started high school, and suddenly, the pressure of the "big ask" hit very close to home. Not wanting to lose out on the opportunity to take the girl of his dreams to his first big high school dance, Chris asked the always lovely Gina Mattuecci to homecoming on the very first day of school, (not too dorky...) with a tennis inspired full size poster, and the essential and requisite candy. It worked. Since then, every freaking school dance I'm pestered, bugged, harassed to death by my hormone ridden, anxious sons stressing over "How am I going to ask... (Gina, Emily, Madison, Mikayla, Annie, Tess, Chrissie, Bridget, Hannah, Bridget, Beyonce, Shakira, Madonna...) to the dance?", With multiple boys in high school for several years in a row, that's a lot of pestering, a lot of bugging and way too many asks. (Hell, I'm asking Beyonce to the dance...I love her)

In order to coerce their dream dates to join them for the big dance, the McKeon boys have, among other things :

Written the ask on a gum wrapper, and convinced their victim/date to "take some gum"
Written the ask on the overhead--in Spanish, no less, and had the victim (along with the whole class) read it when the teacher turned on the projector
Written it on a volley ball and hid it in the victim's locker (with flowers and candy, of course)
Made a puzzle with the ask
Spelled out P R O M on 4 different pieces of poster board and had 4 different friends hand out each letter to the intended, one at a time, with flowers (of course) until she made her way to my boy holding a final poster with a big question mark on it and (of course) more flowers.
Had the the unsuspecting potential dates (twin sisters) called down to the office, where two lovely bouquets awaited, with enclosure cards asking them to the dance (this one cost me a fortune and will not be repeated)
Tried to get the kid who read the morning announcements on the closed circuit television say: "in other news, the McKeon boys would like to ask the Beere girls to the Homecoming Dance...." I personally loved this idea: splashy, public, clever and did not cost me one red cent, the school administration, on the other hand, did not...and banned these sorts of "breaking news" stories.
Thrown a minifootball into the stands after a football game with his date's name on it making the pitch to be his Homecoming date.
Stood on the school lawn outside the English classroom with a boom box and a trench coat, in a tribute to Lloyd Dobler and the movie "Say Anything", holding a sign saying: "Gina, Prom?" (yes, Gina Mattuecci again...)

This morning, as I helped Nate wrap an enormous box, which held another wrapped box, which held another wrapped box, which held yet another wrapped box, which held a note that said "Bridget, will you go to Homecoming with me?" (and was, of course filled with candy, ), all I could think was: "What the hell am I doing here? Dave McKeon didn't put this kind of thought, let alone this much effort (or wrapping paper) into asking me to MARRY him," No, Dave McKeon very strategically asked me to marry him on Christmas Eve, thus killing two birds (Christmas gift, engagement ring) with one marquis cut stone. (Nicely played..fyi...when Dave did ask for my hand, my father who was very impressed with Dave's savvy in leveraging one engagement ring into two gifts, replied very quickly, "Absolutely. She's all yours...but let me warn you, you better keep making one gift work for two occasions, because she is REALLY expensive...")

So, I'm warning my sons now, and all the other teenage boys out there...Sure, the big ask is cute, sure, every woman loves flowers and candy,(especially candy) but Hey, let's tone it down a little. (I'm talking to you, Max Ferraro and your custom made "Homecoming ask" t- shirt...no, actually the shirt was really cool. Nate wishes he'd thought of it...) How are you dudes ever going to ask someone to marry you? You've built up all these expectations, you've set the bar pretty high here. Take a page out of Dave McKeon's book, and go old school. No props, no graft, no swag, no foliage. Just a sincere invite, from a sincere guy, asking a nice girl, to go to a dance. Or, you can do what Pete has done...forget to ask anyone, and then send out a mass text hoping somebody bites...he is truly his father's son...

Today's Top Ten:

SARA Pond--she's earned it, she deserves it
Sara Pond again--a little palate cleanser to get rid of the taint of last week's top ten--my mistake
Beyonce--my boys can make the big ask on her any time
Cheeseburgers from the Alden Bar (eaten in a big featherbed at 9 o'clock at night)
The Inn at Torch Lake--great breakfasts, big featherbeds
Deb from the plumbing fixture place...a dream to work with
Comfort level toilets--who knew? The Nickels family will be sitting in style
Cookies from the Muffin Tin--big as your head and full of chocolate chips..they will ship them to you if you ask nicely...and pay for overnight shipping.
Audrey--from the Dillon SYR--word on the street is she "sews" her own clothes
GQ Magazine...honest to God, the writing in this magazine is smart and funny, and who are we kidding, the guys don't burn my eyes either...

Sorry to go for almost a full week with no posts. I promise it won't happen again....

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

another day, another post

Hey, hey, hey, ring the bell, and check the tally board...we have 22 followers now, and less than half of them are related to me...I call that some real goddamn progress... a very big thank you to A. Janic, the always popular Matt Nelligan, and Mike Johnson.... who knew that the 20 year old male crowd had such an interest in children? The mere mention of Tosh.0 brings them running. Speaking of Tosh.0, Brian Pond, you my friend, are one lucky, lucky man with your 8th row fancy tickets to see the one and only Daniel Tosh. Jealous does not begin to describe...

Given my new emerging demographic, today's topic should be right in their wheel house. As I mentioned yesterday, Dave McKeon commended young Teddy Nickels on his playing football on a broken leg with the highest of accolades "he's no pussy" Believe it or not, there are many, many, way too many, things that in Dave McKeon's world deem any man, woman, child or pet a "pussy". So, today's topic, in list form, no less, is a compilation of all of those behaviors, attitudes, fashion statements, philosophies that in Dave's world make you a pussy. (note: most of these refer to guys being pussies...sometimes it's just a universal, generic pussy, every now and then, an animal is a pussy....)

You know you're a pussy if:

You use cuticle scissors
You wear a cardigan
You eat fish (except shrimp or possibly lobster)
You eat salad for dinner (lunch is ok)
You wear driving gloves
You wear driving moccasins.... or anything that looks like driving mocassins ("I'm not wearing these fucking shoes. Only a pussy would wear these...They look like ballet slippers")
You are a guy and wear flare legged jeans...(Chris, are you wearing girl's jeans? You look like a pussy")
You drink from a straw
You take paternity leave
You discuss your feelings...ever...unless it's hunger
You write thank you notes...except for business
You drink from a water bottle when you play sports...("These goddamn kids go through 100 water bottles a week. Jesus, what a bunch of pussies. Real kids drink out of a hose in somebody's back yard")...I've heard this one like 200 times....a week
You drink anything out of a bottle except beer
You eat shelled peanuts
You tip the pizza guy ("What? I paid for the pizza...you can't tip him that much..what a pussy")
You need stitches
You use a band aid,,,("Oh, for Christ sake, just put some duct tape on it, you big pussy")
You don't know how to drive a manual transmission ("What sort of pussy can't drive a stick?")
Your parents ever visited you in college ("My parents dropped me off at Purdue and never came back. I wasn't one of those pussies whose mom had to make his bed")..
Anyone ever took you to the zoo ("I thought only pussies or divorced dads took their kids to the zoo")
You actually enjoy your kids' preschool music program ("Seriously, Laurie, only a pussy would come watch this thing if his wife didn't make him...No guys really like this shit...")
You wear a speedo or even a shorty bathing suit
You use moisturizer
You do any sort of manscaping ("What the hell is manscaping? Is it another pussy thing like 'metrosexual'?")
You know who Ed Hardy is
You watch Glee
You don't mow your own lawn or make your kids mow the lawn ("Get those pussies out there to mow the lawn, it's supposed to rain tomorrow. I don't care if it's dark out")
You go to a salon for a haircut (" I cut my own hair with these rusty clippers. What? You think I'm some sort of a pussy?)
You go to a salon for anything, except to pick up your wife/girlfriend
You miss a tackle
You miss a free throw
You miss a meal
You want to video tape your baby's birth (I couldn't agree more)
Your take a shower for more than five minutes ("Pete, get out of the goddamn shower, you pussy, you've been in there for fifteen minutes")
You use hair gel ("What the hell do you have in your hair? You look like a pussy")
You willingly see a movie without a car chase or gun fight ("Umm, we're already married....I thought I didn't have to go see these pussy movies anymore")
You send birthday cards
You dance at weddings...except your own
You don't own and always carry a pocket knife (In an effort to make sure that they were not pussies, Dave bought all of the boys pocket knives for their seventh birthday. When he was five, Jack cut the shit out of his thumb with Chris', but, because he is not a pussy, we didn't bother getting him stitches)
You drink hot tea
You like John Mayer
You do volunteer work ("Only pussies work for free")
You have a personal trainer
You don't like James Bond movies
You don't like Mike Ditka ("Anyone who doesn't like Mike Ditka is a pussy")
You don't eat red meat
You drink pinot grigio
You can't eat a whole Gino's pizza ("You pussies going to finish that pizza?")
You like goat cheese, feta cheese, or any other "pussy" sort of cheese
You bad mouth your own mother
You let your dog wear clothes
You're a dog who lets himself wear clothes ("That dog's a pussy")
You aren't in a NCAA March Madness Pool
You make a girl cry
You hit a girl, even your sister ("Only a pussy would ever hit a girl...even his sister")
You don't have tools
You watch the cooking channel
You use valet parking ("That pussy is not parking my car")
You use a porter at the airport
You pack more than a carry on ("Look at that guy with the two big suitcases...What a pussy")--big exception--golf clubs
You don't have a summer job ("You pussies better find some paid employment this summer...Your cell phone bill is not going to pay for itself")
You don't know how to read a map
You don't know how to read a compass
You don't know Latin and Greek derivatives
You don't understand logarithms ("Don't they teach you pussies anything in school?")
You can't calculate your gas mileage...in your head
You don't change your oil
You've never been in fight
You've been in too many fights ("He's one of those pussies that is always picking a fight. I should kick his ass...")
You don't follow Big Ten football
You watch Oprah
You read any book recommended by Oprah
You read any book that doesn't involve money, terrorists, Jack Ryan, Vince Flynn, or an athlete
You think Jerry Lewis is funny
You cheat about your handicap ("He is one, big, sandbagging pussy")
You cheated on Elin Woods
You are John Edwards ("I always knew he was a pussy")
You are any of the guys on Jersey Shore ("Who are these pussies and don't they own any shirts? Annie, turn the goddamn channel")
You own Dave McKeon money ("That cheap pussy owes me money...")
and on, and on, and on....

As you can see, the list of what constitutes pussyhood is long, varied and VERY subjective. It has nothing to do with sexuality, it mostly has to do with anything that Dave finds irritating, foolish or expensive. Everyone has there own "pussy list". Feel free to share...but remember, keep it clean (somewhat ironic for a post subtitled "you know you're a pussy if...").

Now, tonight's top ten:

Torch Lake--according to National Geographic, third most beautiful lake in the world.. Take that Lake Geneva
Brian Pond....Tosh.0 Tickets....sweeeet
Haagen Daz Swiss Almond Vanilla--worth every goddamn calorie
Padded hangers
The original Burberry plaid---(not any of that pink or blue crap)
Annie Lennox
Marie Chantal children's clothes--just beautiful
Sugar Lip Balm--courtesy of Beth Mattuecci--thank you VERY much
Emily Chiappetta--she offered to do my book cover when the big deal comes through
Chris McKeon--he wants it so badly, and I'm giving him props for driving the 18-24 year old male demographic to the blog....not one I expected to attract...thanks, and for God's Sake, stay out of the girls' dorms after parietals....you stupid pussy (....that part came from dad...)

I'm leaving for Michigan early tomorrow morning. Don't expect any posts until Saturday at the latest...Please spend this time compiling your p****y lists...

Monday, September 13, 2010

And you thought you were a bad mom...

Back to living the blog dream...thank you very much to my 17 followers (extra allowance for Pete McKeon for signing on-- nicely played getting in there before Jack and Nate...I won't forget it.) And I must admit, I read every single comment. (haha there are only four, who the hell couldn't read those?) Casey, thanks for the heads up on Sister Bride--you know, even though I will tell my self to stay away, I will not be able to resist this incestuous pool of crazy... And it's always nice to hear from Suechi, the level headed, consistent "Law and Order" candidate. Jane, Project Runway is fine, but I had to stop watching it once they had to make clothes out of a salad...no need for a turnip coat, and you know the rules...no clothes, no desserts made from vegetables.. J Crew's Jenna's Picks--there's a keeper. Annie, let's keep my Snookie revulsion/fascination on the down low. Man, talk about someone genetically bred for reality tv....

Now, on to today's topic: motherhood moments that we are less than proud of, those lapses in judgment, effort, or timing that just didn't work out. I'm not talking abuse and neglect here, but as you all know, motherhood is a series of weighing competing interests (money, time, sex, sleep, laundry, exercise, personal hygeine, children's health, activities, carpool, etc) and making the best/most convenient, least disruptive decision. It's one big story problem all day long:

Example 1: School gets out at 2:45. It is 2:15. You've been putting off getting groceries all day, because you were updating your blog...Do you have time to get to the store before picking up your fifth grader? Important Factors to consider: how far is the store? how many groceries? how hungry are you, really? Is the fifth grader embarassed to be left in the school parking lot...(again)? Discuss...

Example 2: As of this morning you have $300 in your checking account, and $35 in your wallet. You need groceries, soccer shin guards, lunch money for 4 kids, picture money for 3, ACT prep money for the big one, and the cleaning lady only takes cash. How can you best divide the resources so no one gets stiffed? Don't be fooled, the answer to this one involves a Visa card, overdraft protection and Ted from Johnson Bank. We moms are nothing if not resourceful...

Example 3: Your baby is fussy. He cries a lot. He is just finding his fingers. He seems to enjoy sucking his thumb. You know that this will probably result in serious orthodontia later down the road. Do you encourage or discourage this behavior? This is a no brainer...beg, bribe, force the kid to suck his thumb. It is way better than a pacifier because he can never lose it. Sleep trumps all. Unless the situation involves fire or major vomit, always, always go with sleep.

In the course of any given day, let alone in the course of any given childhood, bad calls are going to be made. Something or someone is just going to slip through the cracks. The life of a mother is one big gamble and we are all just playing the odds. . Here are some real life examples of where I read the tea leaves wrong. And you just know they will come out on an analyst's couch someday....so, on those days, where you blew the call and think that you are the worst mom ever, ...well, let me tell you, you have some competition...

Late/fogot to pick your kid up from school? Done that...a lot...
Really late/forgot to pick your kid up from the game, practice, the dentist, pre-school screening, family movie night?....done that too--The phone call from the preschool screener was pretty humiliating..
dropped your third grader off some ghetto gym for basketball practice, was too lazy to walk him in, and come to find out, practice was canceled? Oooops...scary
dropped your kid off at the wrong football field for the playoffs, because you were too lazy to make sure that those kids in the purple jerseys were actually his teammates? Oooops again.
Left your baby under the Christmas tree in his infant seat for two hours because you forgot him while you bathed and put the other kids to bed? (Pete--Christmas 1996)
fed your kid hot dogs, bologna, cheese balls and twinkies today? Hell, my kids have packed that for their school lunches... Chris spent his entire childhood living on Tombstone frozen pizza, pretzel goldfish and kitkats...and once he could make his own pizza, I so didn't care.
Let your baby suck on toothpaste while you showered? Why do you think Annie's teeth are so white?
Told your two year old to keep an eye on the baby while you made the beds and took a shower? Seriously, this one ended with Baby Nate stuck outside on a screened porch...nice work, Jack. ..but all the beds had hospital corners.
Sent your six year old to soccer practice with a broken collarbone? --the first set of x-rays were inconclusive...what? they just put that figure 8 thing on them....He's fine....
had to have your two year old's stomach pumped because he od'd on baby tylenol that you left on the kitchen table? --(I sweat the lid was locked on) (Nate, Fall 1997)
The baby fell down the stairs in his walker, because you were trying to fold laundry and forgot to put the gate at the top of the stairs?.. (Jack--1993---seriously, he was sneaky fast).
Let your son skip the June ACT because he was painting an enormous ND sign in your garage for his brother's graduation party? Try telling that to his guidance counselor.
Ignored your son's limp and leg pain after he dropped a 55 pound weight on his thigh...for two months...?
Missed your son's graduation from 6th grade? (this was not me, this was Dave McKeon, whose response was "Who in the hell graduates sixth grade? 8th grade graduation is stupid enough. Sixth grade? Yeah, that's a moment I don't want to miss..."

Well, just the other day, I heard the best, the topper, the very honest, totally could be me, parental miscall, that will make us all feel a little better. Please, please understand, I mean no disrespect to my sister Wendy (who have I mentioned? is building a summer home) I am just using this as an educational example for all of us on just how easy it is, even with playing the odds, going with history, following your gut, to make the wrong call. Hey, Wendy, I hope this won't keep me off the summer house list. Please realize, I'm doing this for the youngsters, the rookie parents, who still feel guilty when they eat all of their kid's Halloween candy, who don't realize that you can read a magazine in your car during Little League games and lie to your kid that you saw his "big hit", you know, those parents,the ones who haven't yet learned to make up the dates on their kids immunization forms. (Oh,hell, my kids have had all of their shots, I just don't know exactly when...or where....) These newbies need to know that even a superlative, fine, fine, experienced and knowledgeable mother like yourself, can every so often make an ever so slight error in judgment.

So, here is what happened. Last Monday, my nephew Teddy comes home from football practice complaining that he hurt his lower leg. He's limping, and in some pain, and Wendy says, "Let's see how you feel tomorrow" Perfectly reasonable, perfectly legitimate response, given that teenage boys spend their entire adolescence pulling, spraining, straining, or dislocating body parts, when they are not busy dropping heavy shit on themselves (see above). (Don't even get me started about the time Pete hurt his stupid finger and it involved three different physicians, a growth plate, a specialist, a referral from our insurance company, 15 x-rays, and the final diagnosis was:"Yeah, he broke his finger. Tape it to a buddy" which means tape "ring man" to "tall man"---$3500 worth of medical attention for a seven year old's digit and the best you've got is "tape it to a buddy"? Holy Christ. I should have gone to med school. ) I digress...

Ted's limp/pain continues, but it's a really busy week, Ted seems to be able to put weight on the leg, he continues to go to practice, he's got a game on Friday, he's a starter, he's not crying out in pain, and again, it's a really busy week. (In Wendy's defense, if we took our kids to the doctor every time someone whined about an injury, hell, they'd all be glowing in the dark from the unnecessary radiation....and seriously, tape it to a buddy???)...so Wendy, takes a very legitimate wait and see approach. Teddy goes to his football game Friday night, goes in for the first play on defense and literally cannot run on his leg. He makes a valiant effort but has to eventually come out of the game. The trainer, who is "trained" in these sorts of things, along with the coach, recommend that Ted see an actual physician. A little side note, Ted's leg and limp did not prevent him from going out with his friends on Friday night.

Now, did I mention that the Notre Dame home opener was taking place on Saturday? Preparation for the tailgate the following day kept Wendy away from the game. Ted got home late, Wendy and Tim left very early, and no real communication regarding the leg took place Sat. morning. During the day on Saturday, Ted begins to text his parents noting that his coach/trainer expects him to see some medical professional over the weekend. His parents enjoy the Notre Dame victory (totally short lived,---goddamn Michigan shoelace dissing, dreadlock wearing quarterback) and then decide to go visit some friends who live nearby.

Teddy spends his Saturday night texting his parents regarding their status, and possible arrival home, so he can get some medical attention. Wendy and Tim spend their Saturday night with, among many fun Notre Dame friends, a nurse, an opthamologist and the CEO of a hospital,who all reassure them that Teddy is totally fine. (Question: What the hell was in the punch at that party??there is not a hospital administrator in the world, let alone a CEO, who would ever advise anyone with insurance NOT to go to the hospital) Due to Wendy's "migraine", they decide to spend the night with their friends. It is almost a week since Ted's injury and his leg hasn't fallen off yet, so surely it can wait another day. Just ask the opthamologist. Well, once Teddy's parents arrive home... some time Sunday EVENING...they finally take Ted to the urgent care/doc in the box. (Wendy is extremely concerned...about her kitchen floor and the laundry back up.)..When the doctor views Ted's films, they discover...THAT HE HAS A BROKEN LEG!!! granted it is a hairline fracture in a small, non weight bearing bone, but it is indeed a broken leg. Way to diagnose, drunken opthamalogist. When Wendy called me with the news, I laughed my ass off. Uncle Dave McKeon's assessment: "That Teddy, he's no pussy". (the "unlike my four shidiot sons" was implied in that comment)

Wendy did say, "Do you think that I am the most negligent mom in the world? To which I replied "Of course not, you think that's bad, I have a friend who is a NURSE, who didn't realize her kid had TWO broken arms and sent him to school for a week. You're just a teacher, how the hell were you supposed to know it was broken? There wasn't a bone sticking out or anything..." "I'm sure PLENTY of moms send their kids to football practice all week on a broken leg, and PLENTY of moms ignore their kids repeated texts for medical help,... for two solid days... while spending the weekend with their college friends..." (granted, these moms are now attending court order parenting classes, but hey...) And the whole time I was thinking, "Hey, I look like Florence fucking Nightengale for just ignoring my kids "deep tissue bruise" for two months. I am clearly not the worst mom, second worst possibly, but not the worst in the world" .

Wendy knows that I am just kidding (book me for the fourth of July Weekend, summer of 2011). And I'm sure she realizes that the point of this whole anecdote is to show that all moms, even the best ones, make mistakes. So, to all you self-flagellating moms who are sweating out missing your kid's 2nd birthday because you have tickets to a Cold Play concert, or who are racked with guilt for refusing to play Candyland one last time, or who think that it's child abuse to miss one pee wee soccer game, "Get over it...Stop beating yourselves up already.... Don't set the bar too high, and pace yourself, it's a long race...We all screw up the motherhood thing sometimes. As long as you're not doing chronically, constantly or totally on purpose, you will be fine, really. and so will your kid. Just ask the drunk opthamologist.

Tonight's Top Ten:

Wendy Nickels...what a great sport, what a great mom....what a great summer house
Ted "the un-pussy" Nickels...you are the new bad ass
Kenosha Body Boot Camp--kicks my ass three mornings a week, it's twisted, but I like it.
True Religion Jeans---that's why I go to boot camp.
Stuart Weitzman shoes--a favorite of mine and every 75 year old Jewish lady in Highland Park
Little Nicky--my new refrigerator repair man...begs the question; "is there a big Nicky?"
Oxi clean--the only thing that gets the stank out of Jack McKeon's football jersey. If Billy Blank were still alive, I would kiss him on the lips...
Cheryl's cookies---the frosted ones, shaped like pumpkins or ghosts
Matt Nelligan--a friend of my niece Nora.who told me that Taylor Swift's mom is fat..Jackpot...(he saw Taylor Swift and her parents at a tailgater at the ND/Purdue game) I do not know why this makes me so happy, but it so does...
Gummy Vites...can't start the day without them. Tasty, nutritious, and in fun fruit shapes....

Keep reading the blog, and keep spreading the word. Now that I've finally figured out how to track my blog, I discovered that I've had 362 hits this month...(I don't even know 362 people, so somebody out there is doing their job) and for that I say thank you...especially to you, Wendy and Ted. And if you two could sign on as followers, I'd like you even more.....

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Oooohh, I am one blogafrickin'rific day away from being a two post flash in the pan...If I don't post today, I will lose my enormous following of 15 fine, fine, lovely, kind people who will admit to reading the kind of wordy crap I've been serving up (which is 14 more than I ever thought I would have). Given the significant length of my first two posts (that last one should have been a five part mini-series or something) Tonight's post is much briefer and hell, who are we kidding? much, much easier for me to write, because it requires very little proof reading (yeah, I know, you can barely tell that I proof read the first two posts).

Given the raves I've been getting for the top ten lists, (it's not wrong to categorize three mildly positive comments as "raves'), I'm sticking with an all list format for tonight. And tonight's topic is TV shows:

First off, in case you were wondering, (and you weren't) here is a list of all the things I refuse to watch on TV:

Any show with "little people"--not that I have anything against little people, I swear to God, I don't, I just don't want to watch tv shows about them, even if they are doctors or seem pretty nice.I don't want to see them raise kids, make food, drive a car, nothing... Doesn't it just seem a little exploitative?
Any show with fat people trying to lose weight. Hell, if I wanted to watch fat people lose weight, I'd stop buying Haagan Daz and Dave and I could stare at each other for a month.
Any show with Amish or Amish like people--if you don't use electricity or modern conveniences, I'm not watching you...this includes you, you crazy Duggars, you have those long Amish skirts on and don't believe in computers, so get your happy selves off the "devil's tool" we heathens call television.
Any show with dancing celebrities...unless you can guarantee me that they are going to fall down. (this is why I watch the Olympic figure skating....BOOM, goes the dynamite...I love to see them fall) I have no desire at all to watch Ochocinco or Bristol Palin dancing around. I know these shows are super popular, they just don't appeal to me...however, I've been known to watch a good cheerleading show, and actually own all of the Bring it On movies...even that direct to video one...Thank you very much, Casey Ferraro!!
Any show where someone gets a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancee or earns the "love" of a celebrity--Seriously, I refuse to waste one hot second of my getting shorter by the minute life watching these self promoting shidiots acting like they are seriously searching for their "soul mate" and honestly, if a single bachelor/bachelorette/fool seeking love with any ex-member of big-haired "80s band is delusional enough to think they will actually find true love on tv, or with a celebrity, they don't need my ratings, they need in patient therapy
Any show involving Donald Trump--speaking of self-promoting shidiots. I don't care if he's hiring, firing or giving golf lessons, I can't stand the sight of him, even the sound of his voice....
That Mad Money guy on TV--if I want to get yelled at about money, I will spend some quality time with Dave McKeon on the night the Visa bill arrives.
Any nature show, sorry, I hate them, even the ones about "river monsters" or sharks. They all seem like bad 7th grade science film strips to me. My sons and husband love them---go figure.
Anything with Bill O'Reilly...he tried to have phone sex with an employee. Yeah, I'm going to listen to his self-righteous bullshit. A Bold, fresh piece of Humanity, my ass...
Cooking or Fishing Shows--I can't stand to do these things in real life, I'm sure as hell not going to watch someone else do them on TV.

Now, here is a list of TV Shows that I am not embarassed to say out loud, even in a conversation with smart people, that I watch on a regular basis: (please note: Dave McKeon is too cheap to unbuckle for pay TV, so I am sure there are great shows on HBO, Showtime, etc. but I will not be watching them until they are available for free)

Lost--great show, makes me look cutting edge, sci-fi-ish smart. Got kind of freaky at the end, and may not count because it is no longer on tv.
The Office--always, reliably good---even that odd season when Pam went to "art school"
It's counterpart-Parks and Recreation--Amy Poehler rocks. So does DJ Roomba
Modern Family--I liked it BEFORE it won the emmy. I have a soft spot for any show with an adopted Asian baby and fat, funny gay men.
The Good Wife--Dave McKeon's wishes this was an autobiographical show,... it's not.
The Sports Reporters--Every Sunday morning on ESPN. Swear to God, it's the fastest half hour on television and that fat guy from Boston is really funny.
Glee--dancing, singing, teenage drama...What's not to love? Sue Sylvester is my idol.
Friday Night Lights--don't always get to see it, (very active Friday night social life..sleeping...) but they run the episodes on that free HD on Demand. Great show that feeds on my idealized vision of somebody's high school experience...not mine, of course..
Brothers and Sisters--ok, maybe I'm a little embarassed to admit I watch this show, but I do...
Mad Men--ok, ok, you caught me...I don't really watch this show. I wish I did, because everyone says it's really great, and it would make me seem smart, but I can never seem to figure out when the hell it's on, and if I do, I forget to watch it.

Now, TV shows that I am somewhat embarassed to admit that I watch, but will cop to if pressed:

Pretty, Little Liars-- I am blaming Kim Westphal for this one. She and Annie got me hooked this summer. Again, not exactly high brow, but a somewhat understandable guilty pleasure
Tosh.0--this is, hands down, the funniest show on TV, if you can get past some of the gross, projectile vomiting, bodily function jokes. Daniel Tosh has absolutely no shame...and those web redemptions are comedy gold. I am probably the only middle aged mom making time for Daniel Tosh...
Antique Roadshow--a total nerd fest compulsion, but who the hell doesn't dream of finding an original signed copy of the Declaration of Independence at a garage sale? and having those appraiser twin brothers touching your furniture? I'll admit it, it's a little bit of a fantasy...
Cash Cab--I would kill on this show. I know I would.
Castle--for some reason Nate and I started watching this bogus show. Now we are kind of hooked. It is a bogus show, we're not denying it.
Phineas and Ferb--ok, I spent an inordinate amount of time this summer watching this with Posey. It's a pretty, goddamn good kid's show. The episode where they get that band back together for their parent's anniversary is a classic. So is the one where Candice earns her Fireside Girl badge and has to wrestle that aligator in the sewer...I guess you have to see it...
Man vs Food--there is something sort of creepy about this show, but it's compellingly watchable once you turn it on. This is a viable career option for at least two of the McKeon boys..
Mike and Mike in the Morning--I know that it's queer to "watch" a radio show on TV, but they are really funny and Mike Golic always has the inside scoop about Notre Dame..
Rescue Me--again, if you can get past some of the rough stuff, every line is hilarious...from last week's episode "...I will probably die in three weeks,...in some cake related incident"
Say yes to the Dress...again, I'm not proud of it, but it's wedding dresses, and you can't hate on that. (Also, any Baby Story/Adoption Story--I just like babies, you got a problem with that?)

Finally, here are shows that have been on my TV, but if you told people that I watched them, I would totally deny it, and call you a liar. However, I seem to have an unusual amount of knowledge about these shows...

Teen Moms--have you seen this show? Holy Crap!! this show shouldn't even be on TV--Call Children's Services, none of these girls should EVER be allowed to baby sit, let alone raise a baby.. and the teen dads make the teen moms look like T. Berry Brazelton. If I actually watched this show, I would be very scared about the future of America, because you know that this is just the tip of the teen mom iceberg....if these are the ones they are willing to put on tv, just imagine how bad the other ones are.
Secret Life of an American Teenager--Obviously I have a total fixation with pregnant teenagers...and to add insult to injury, there is no worse acting in the history of TV. Seriously, just watch this show once, and you will be mesmerized by the lack of talent--across the board....I've seem in flight safety videos that are better acted...and yet, I have seen this show, more than once...or twice....
I didn't Know I was Pregnant...(ok, just fixated on pregnancy in general, I guess) I never realized how many women give birth in a bathroom stall or family style restaurant. Really, it never crossed your mind that that kicking bump in your stomach could be a BABY???
Hoarders--I can only watch this show for like five minutes at a time because it grosses me out so badly. It is like watching a train wreck. I am 95% horrified, but 5% fascinated...and that 5% can't seem to turn the goddamn channel.
Real Housewives of New York/New Jersey--I gave up on the New York women, once they all started prancing for the tv and writing "inspirational" books. (you've got to be kidding me...parenting advice, etiquette pointers? from these fools?) And the NJ show was all down hill after Theresa flipped that table. too much drama, too much crazy all the way around. Word to the wise, don't ever admit to any show with New Jersey in the title...
Keeping up with the Kardashians--have seen it, on occasion but stopped watching once the big one married that basketball player, and the other one had the baby...Oh, yeah, both of those relationships are going to last....
My Super Sweet Sixteen--in what crazy ass universe do these people live? Any parents dumb enough to fly their 15 year old to Paris, Vegas, New York or wherever to find a dress for an incredibly over the top birthday party that always culminates in a black Range Rover or BMW deserves the back sassing, spoiled rotten teenagers that they all seem to have. You're as bad as the Duggars...
Wizards of Waverly Place--you caught me... Is it the wizards? the mom from Camp Rock? Dom DeLuises' kid? I do not know, but this and iCarly are filling up my Neilsen log...even during school hours...OK, admit it, Carly's brother Spencer is funny...
Celebrity Rehab.---what does it say about me that I won't watch celebrities dance, but I will watch them snort crack? probably something not very good....
The Today show with Kathy Lee and Hoda...this is the most embarassing show of all. In my defense, there is not a ton on at 11;00am when I seem to be ironing and I've already watched Sports Center twice. Is it me or does Kathy Lee Griffin seem drunk all the time? But I'd rather watch a high Kathy Lee than a sober Joy Behar any day...

Sorry, no top ten today, I am all listed out. You try admitting to the crap you secretly watch on tv...it's exhausting. Feel free to send me your own crap tv list, and stay tuned for another post soon. All blog, all day... or at least most days. Until then...

Saturday, September 4, 2010

second post...threats and bribes

And you all thought that I was just a one post wonder!!

Kim Westphal, my blog sensay (like in karate kid, the teacher.-- I know I didn't spell it right, but this was the best option spell check had--go ahead, Tina Burke, mark it with your red pen) told me that each entry is called a post...good to know. Kim did try to explain to me how to attach all of my old columns to this blog, but it sounded really complicated and involved some sort of tabs. Hell, I'm just hoping to figure out how to fill out my profile page, although, I am rather fond of the silhouette that comes up automatically--black is so slimming and that head shot has no wrinkles, so I'm sticking with that winner. But, even with my low end, borderline tech skills, I am taking it to it and am, blogging it up again. ,

First off, I'd like to thank all of you who read my first post. Let's keep that up. This book deal isn't going to sign itself--I need some sort of a following, so please continue pretending that you are actually reading "you can't scare me, I have kids", following it or hitting on it, or whatever is supposed to happen to make this blog seem like a huge ass success. If this thing hits big, we're all winners.

Next, just a quick follow up on those two college students I was whining about in my last blog, here is the latest: College boy was late for gym class (yes, all freshmen at Notre Dame have to take gym) because he didn't realize that you were supposed to WEAR your gym clothes to gym class, and wore a button down and khaki shorts instead, couldn't find a locker room for changing, and had to pull on his work out clothes in the bathroom. College girl had to work at the Center for the Homeless in South Bend for one of her classes. When "Big Juicy", one of the residents of the Center, met my daugher, she took one look at her and said: "Girl, you are darker than me!!" College girl took this as an enormous compliment. Don't think that I am not thrilled beyond belief and immensely gratified to know that my two big kids are respectively, the best dressed boy in gym class and the tannest girl at the homeless shelter. Of course they are....Why am I not surprised? With these two adult (and I use that term loosely) children exhibiting such deep seated, Mother Theresa like altruistic values, I have nothing to worry about...not a thing.. Who are we kidding, they are totally living what they've been taught...by me.

Now, back on topic. Yesterday, I briefly (ok, it wasn't all that brief) touched on the topic that is the key to child rearing and pretty much the key to all human behavior. I know that I shouldn't be pulling out the big guns this early in the game and should hold out with the mother lode of all trade info until I have a mass following, but seriously, I just type up the shit that's on my mind, and if I don't do it today, I will totally forget and never give you this secret of the universe, as I have a fatal case of middle aged ADD (Oh, look, a chicken...)

Ok, here it is... bribes and threats. That's it. You want to get your kids, husband, boss, self, to do certain things? Bribes and threats, threats and bribes. It's how the world goes round. You show up for work every day because they bribe you with a pay check. You try to do a better than half assed job, because you are threatened that they will fire you. Most of us don't drive around drunk all day because we are threatened by the thought of jail time...(Obviously jail is not a threat to Lindsay Lohan, or any of those slutty Kardashian girls, but I think they are motivated by other things...like cheesy television exposure and quarts of top shelf vodka. ).If you want to make it seem a little less crass, a little more palatable, feel free to call it "the carrot and the stick", or for you new agers, "positive and negative reinforcement", but really it all comes down to bribes and threats, threats and bribes...

I know what you are thinking right now, I really do, "I'm never going to bribe my child. I am a way better parent than that." Really? No, you're not. You (and every other parent in the history of the free universe) have been bribing and threatening your kids since birth. "If you eat all of your carrots, you can have a cookie," "If you don't clean your room, you can't go out this weekend". "If you can somehow figure out how to attach my old columns to this blog, I will not mention you in it for one full week" or depending on the kid, depending on the day "If you don't figure out how to attach my old columns to this blog, I will spill every embarassing, pathetic, God forsaken jack ass move you have ever made, and I will use your full name...and photos" ... but the key to this whole bribe/threat thing, the way to make this very simple premise work for you, and this is the tricky part, so please, you need to listen to a veteran like me, is figuring out, what is the right bribe, what's the right threat, and when to use which one. I swear to you, if you do this right, your kids will be dancing to your tune pretty much all day long or at least giving it a good shot. Yesterday, I gave you the very real example of the reluctant altar boy....right threat, right time for that particular shidiot. Mission accomplished...I, of course, am still going to hell.

Before you go into the bribe and threat business, you first have to lay your foundation. Your kids have to know that you are dead,set serious and are as good as your word. You have to have a history of making good on your bribes and following through on your threats or all bets are off. If you can't do this, just stop reading now and skip on down to the favorite 10. It's a good one, and you won't be disappointed, because if you can't back up your bribes and threats with reality, this method will never work. Don't tell your kid, "if you pick up all of your toys I will take you to Disney land, because unless you are ready to fly to the magic kingdom once the last lego is off the carpet, you are screwed and your kids will never believe a bribing word out of your mouth again. Likewise, the age old "stop hitting your brother or I will break your arm" isn't super effective as a threat unless you are prepared to sit through a very long visit from Children's Services asking some very personal question about how your kid got the cast. So, be smart and selective with your bribes and threats.

Here is the very simple proof bribe/threat process in 4 easy steps. And just remember, I am not charging you one red cent to read it--just please, please, please for the love of God, write some super positive comments about how this blog changed your life. Big following, big book deal.

Step 1: Analyze what exactly it is that you want your kids to do. Get good grades? Have nice manners? Make their beds? Give you a pedicure? Get a 35 on the ACT? Clean the garage? Cure cancer? Fine. Be definite. Be very clear on what it is you expect them to do. All kids have read the fine print-- They will try to cash in on a bribe they don't deserve or weasal out of a threat that they really have earned. Example: When you say "If you paint the basement I will pay you $50," you should probably specify that you did not want them to paint the basement carpeting...it's all in the details.
Step 2: Analyze your kid. Does this kid respond better to bribes or threats? Does he perform well under pressure (threats--remember that altar boy) or is he better at being rewarded? Some kids (the altar boy) really don't bribe well. There is not much they want, not much they need, and they are inherently lazy. Pull out a threat. Others are freaked out by threats. They want to please you, enjoy getting a special treat for a job well done, and like to bring home the hardware, ( the biggest bribe in the history of childhood is the trophy...Hell, eight year old boys will walk through fire for some crappy peice of tin with a soccer player on top. Use that knowledge). I have heard rumor of some mythical kids (not mine, mind you, but somebody's) who just like to accomplish a goal. These kids are extraordinarily easy to bribe. They also tend to be first borns.
Step 3: And this is critical. Pick your threat or bribe accordingly. Make sure it works for that particular child. There are advantages to both and strategy involved. See below for more detail:

Bribes: Bribes are a little easier to manage and they work well in positive or motivating situations. The possibilities are endless. Use your imagination here. I have a son who is very easily bribed by food. The promise of donuts, cupcakes or a very large slab of red meat can get him to do just about anything. OK, bribing with food may not be the best,(Michelle Obama, childhood obesity and all that) but food bribes are very cost effective and easy to obtain. A dozen donuts costs less than $10 bucks and is a small price to pay for a power washed garage floor. I have another son who responds extremely well to cash. and really, when in doubt, cash is king. Just don't over bribe unless you are prepared to pay up. Anything over twenty bucks is getting a little pricey and for little kids (, five bucks should buy you just about anything) WARNING: another ADD aside---Here is a slight variation on the bribe, always with cash as the motivator. Every now and then I will set forth a totally outlandish bribe that I damn well know my kids will never acheive, just to get them to try a little harder at something than they would without the bribe. Example: we have a standing $1,000 on the table for any kid who can get a 34 on the ACT. I know that seems like a ton of money, but who the hell are we kidding? My kids have a better shot of getting a 34 on a cholestoral screening than on the ACT. But guess what? they don't know that (ok, now they do because they are reading this blog) So, if the outside chance of getting a grand motivates them to get a 30 on the ACT(with no cash exchanging hands) I can sure as hell live with that. However, be prepared that every now and then your kids will surprise you. Sometimes they have skills you don't anticipate. I was talking with one of my football playing kids (the one that I though was destined to be a chronic bench warmer) and asked him what position he played, what he liked about football, etc (see what a great mom I am, chatting up the kids?) Some how I agreed to pay him $20 if he ever got an interception. I didn't think he could actually get an interception, or I probably would never have put that bribe out there. In the history of McKeon football playing boys, I don't think any one has ever had an interception. I don't think anyone has ever even had a reception, so I felt pretty safe offering up the $20. Well, well, well. little slacker caught an interception in Wednesday night's game. I think I may have been played. Not sure, but I paid the $20, because I need to keep my solid rep as a bribe payer intact. Nice to know the kid has some hands. Money well spent.
Some kids respond better to threats--it's just the way they're built and often that threat involves taking away something they love. The loss of friends, electronics, free time, and cash (it cuts both way) are all fair game. This may seem heartless, but it is extremely effective. And holding your ground with the threat is even more important than with the bribe. A well enforced threat will reverberate for years to come. When one of the boys was in eighth grade, He was captain of the jr. high football team, president of the junior high student council and was WAY full of himself. (there is nothing in the world stupider than a 13 year old boy--look it up, it is a scientific fact). He mouthed off to his Spanish teacher, and had some serious prepubescent attitude. I told him, if I heard another word from a teacher in regard to his behavior, he wouldn't be going anywhere near a football field. Well of course, little Einstein mouthed off, (again) and I made him go to his coach, confess his sins and turn in his jersey. He about had a heart attack, so did his team, so did his coach. (to be honest, so did his dad). But, I never backed down, and for years to come, all I had to say was "8th grade football" and everyone jumped in line. Aaahhh, the beauty of a well played threat. Some day, when we have more time, I will tell you the story of Cedar Point. It's a way longer story, but one of those threats that will go down in history. Even my sisters' kids cringe when they hear the words "Cedar Point".

Step 4: Finally, and this is the most important, follow through. Make good on your threats, pay off your bribes. Don't gloat about it, don't moan about it. Just follow through. This is where a poorly chosen bribe or threat can come back to haunt you. (see step 3) If your bribe was taking your tweener to the Justin Beiber concert, bad choice...what the hell were you thinking, because now, regretfully, if you are ever going to be taken seriously as a bribing parent again, you actually have to go to that sorry concert. However, if you were at the top of the threat game, and you threatened your tweener with having to fold all of your laundry for a week...Jackpot. you, my friend, have learned this lesson well. But either way, threat or bribe, you must follow through. Every single time.

And that is the basic lesson in human dynamics, particularly when dealing with not overly bright teenagers. They are quite literal, not really much more evolved that a well trained, golden retriever, so properly applied bribes and threats can go a very long way. I promise you, if you follow these easy steps and you will be the puppet master, you will rule the kiddie kingdom. and all will be right with the world. You can't scare me, I have kids.

OK enough with the lecture. Now for today's top ten. The things I like the best at this exact minute today:

Zappos--They have a jillion pairs of shoes, they have free shipping, free returns and deliver your shoes in a day. I have been known to order five pairs of bone colored pumps, try them all on, pick my favorite, and send the other four back for free. It's like shopping for shoes, in heaven, on a cloud, while eating candy.
Kim Westphal--blog master, and now a follower. Always makes me laugh and is not embarassed to admit that she watches The secret life of an American Teenager.
Swedish fish--pretty much the best candy out there, the candy of choice if you are in heaven shopping for shoes and sitting on a cloud--and they are fat free.
The patent leather navy blue Kate Spade spectator pumps on Zappos. Please someone remind me why I do not need this $300 pair of shoes. They are crazy cute and come in a camel color that is even cuter, (not currently available in my size)
My sister Wendy --A big shout out to Wendy, who, did I mention, is building a summer house on Torch Lake?
Nate's too tight warm ups--Nate got his soccer warm ups tonight and one of his teammates called out "Hey, Nate's got a donk" For some reason this made me laugh my ass off. Check out Little Nate Kardashian.
The song "I'll Melt with You"--an '80's classic. Nice beat, easy to dance to.
Wells Brother's Pizza--out of the always lovely Racine Wisconsin
"Big Juicy"--Annie's new best friend. anyone who notices a fine tan, and has a cool name like Big Juicy is A-ok in my book.
Cash--- is KING, and queen, jack and ace!!

thanks for tuning in--go, irish, go irish, go irish.

"

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Momma's first blog

Holy Christ, I am blogging. Isn't America great?
For several years now, all/both of you who slog through our Annual Christmas letter without the benefit of alcoholic lubricants, along with the  VERY small group of insomniacs who used to read my column in the world renowned, internationally acclaimed Kenosha News have been encouraging me/riding my ass to start a blog, to write all year long, and keep you up to date on all of the wacky antics of the McKeons. Well. I have....so shut up already. Of course, the big news here is, that some how, some way, I actually figured out how to set up a blog. Sure, it looks like crap and I don't know how to post a photo or any cool high tech stuff, but there are words on a page...actual words on a page, so I'm doing my part here. It's a blessed miracle. A goddamn Al Gore father of the internet blessed miracle.

Since this is my very own blog, I am going to blog it my very own way. In order to keep us all honest here (and by us, I pretty much mean me), I am going to set up a few blog rules: 1. I promise to update my blog on a regular basis, as long as people are actually reading it. I may update it any way, because sometimes I crack my own self up with my blog. (In case you haven't noticed, I am trying to use the word "blog" as many times as possible...to show just how blogarific I am.--Question:  is each little article I write called a blog? or is the whole thing called a blog and each written essay thing is called an entry? If someone knows the answer, feel free to get back to me on this one...Kimmy Westphal, I'm counting on you)  2. I will blog only about things that I care about--raising kids, eating food, buying stuff, books, movies and the occasional tv show. If you are looking for some great, relevant, topical world view shit, stop reading now, or you will be sorely disappointed 3. I will try not to overdue it on the profanity. This may be hard. I will TRY. 4. I swear by all that is holy, I will NOT use this blog to brag about my kids, rip on other people (except for my kids), or be intentionally unkind or cruel. Feel free to call me out on it, if I do. 5 Finally, in every blog, I will have a list of my ten favorite things at that moment, on that day. This may end up being super stupid, or it could be kind of fun. We shall see (just a little blog mystery)

As some of you may not know me, (yeah, like some stranger will ever be logging on to this blog) allow me to introduce myself. I am a mom. I have six kids. Most of them are boys, most of them are big. About twenty years ago I had a baby(girl) , then I had another baby (boy), then another (boy)and then all of the sudden, there were just a lot of kids (two girls, four boys) at my house and life was pretty hectic. From the moment I got up, I was just working the schedule, fighting the good fight, eyeing the finish line called bed time. And then all of the sudden, I got up one day, and it was time to take the oldest kids to college. Holy shit, what happened?

What happened indeed....I honestly can't say...Like I said, for a lot of years, I have this bunch of kids, they cry a lot, they eat even more, they wipe snot on my shoulder, the pillow cases, their sleeves, they lose a whole mess of socks, gym clothes, library books, backpacks, sneakers, shin guards,and cell phones, and they waste incalculable amounts of time, money, water, electricity, toilet paper, gasoline, brain cells... and just when I kind of get used to having them around, just when they become mildly useful, what with their driver's licenses, low level lawn mowing skills and ability to use a gas stove, it's time to take them to college. WTF?

Sure, of course I want them to go to college. Jesus. I know that. It's the next big step and I've been harassing them about it for years.  Who do you think paid for the ACT prep and who do you think blackmailed them into keeping their GPAs high and detention hours low? Me, that's who.

Just a little aside (and I know that I digress here, but hey, its my blog...get off my back).  Here is a very helpful tip for motivating the disinterested student--feel free to use this one if you are Catholic and not afraid of going to hell....one of my less ambitious sons was not "working up to his potential". He is a bright enough child, if standardized tests and his teachers are to be believed, but he really does not give a crap about much of anything. While my other kids respond to the usual methods of behaviour modification--groundings, loss of possessions or horror of horrors, being pulled off of a sports team, this little sociopath could live 24/7 in a freaking deprivation tank and not miss a beat. So, when it came time to figure out how to keep his grades on track and his nose to the grindstone, I hit him where it really hurt. I told him that if he did not get good grades, he would have to continue being an altar server. Seriously. this is a true story. For some reason, and not the one you are thinking, he really hates to serve Mass. He hates getting there early, hates carrying the candle, getting the book, wearing the dress, the whole thing, so, in order to keep him in line, my big threat to him, is that "if you grades aren't good, you will have to be an altar boy again." And guess what? it works. Who says I don't love my kids? I am risking the eternal flames of hell to help this underachiever get his happy ass into the college of my choice.

So, back to the original point...I know all about college. We did the tours, we read the books, Blah, blah, blah. And obviously, in theory, I really, really, really want to get these shidiots and their foolishness out of my house But I must admit, once the grades were calculated to the highest decimal point, the extracurriculars manipulated to look more impressive than they really are, once the paperwork was done, and the acceptance/rejection letters were delivered, I was still just a little blindsided by the sad reality that these kids were actually leaving and GOING TO COLLEGE.

It's true. They leave. They pack up their stuff, ( except for all of the wrinkled, out dated, uncool on their closet floor that will be pillaged and pilfered by younger siblings) and go. I must admit, It's quite disorienting seeing your first born living in a 9 by 12 room with a virtual stranger, and even more disconcerting to know that she will probably never change her sheets. I missed her like crazy the first few months, and even now, as she starts her junior year, I still miss her a lot.

However, losing one kid to college can be explained away, a statistical anomaly as it were. But then, when the second one left for college, just a few weeks ago, all of the sudden, it hit me, and hit me kind of hard...Wait a minute...this is becoming a trend. And with our first five kids born in just six and a half years, this trend will soon become an epidemic. . Every one of these goddamn kids is going to leave to go to college. (OK, I'll give you even odds on the reluctant altar boy, but even he should be able to get into some regional school) Obviously, I still have four kids in the house, but hey, now that the first two have started down the path, I can pretty much see where this trail is going to end...Within the next few years, we will go from a crowded, noisy, hungry dinner table of eight, to a very subdued table for three. I have already seen the laundry decrease from 40 pounds a day down to 30 (wait, this is not a bad thing) and it stuns me that one quarter of our family only comes home now to visit. I just can't seem to wrap my head around it yet. I'm sure I will get used to it, I'm sure I will eventually be just fine with it, and who are we kidding, probably more that half of them will either flunk out of college or come home when they find themselves jobless, but until then, I am really going to miss them.

Holy shit. I guess you can scare me, ...I have kids.

OK, that was my first official blog. I know I ended it kind of lame, but I'm pretty tired and have to get up at 4:50 in the morning to go to bootcamp. Feel free to comment, but again, for those of you who know me, and know my technical limitations, just be amazed that I even pulled this off

..Now, as promised, My 10 favorite things/people as of this exact day and time, in no specific order:

Elin Woods--6 years of marriage, $100 million, and she seems sort of bad ass even if she didn't hit Tiger with a golf club---nicely done
LL Bean--have gotten reacqainted with their catalogue. Their new signature line is pretty sweet. Always nice to rediscover an old friend.
Mil Millington--super funny writer. Makes me laugh out loud. buy his books
The Coffee Pot Restaurant in Kenosha--excellent poached eggs and homemade toast
Kerry Gapinski--always in a good mood, never makes me feel like a moron for my lack of computer skills--she just gets it.
"Sh$%^ my Father says"--Another really funny book. Loaned it to my sister. She better return it.
Rescue Me--the TV show. It's pretty rough, but is funny as hell. Favorite lines: "What are you shidiots up to now?" and "Paris Hilton retarded or Rain Man retarded?" (please don't send me any comments about the use of the word "retarded". I know it's not a nice word. I didn't write the show, I just laughed at it)
The Sherwin Williams paint color Silvermist--for the love of God, Wendy, just pick a paint color and get on with it. Oh no, did I say that outloud?
My sister Wendy --I have to stay on her good side. She's building a summer house at Torch Lake and I will do any thing I have to do to keep my name on the guest list.
Notre Dame Football--GO, IRISH, BEAT PURDUE!!