@#**&@#*&% FOUR LETTER WORDS!!

Nice work, challengers. You all did much, much better with this challenge, than ye old Limerick challenge, though I am not really all that surprised given your collective proficiency with four letter words. I've seen your previous comments and every single one of you guys seems to have a much higher comfort level with profanity than with limericks...good to know. I did think this was a great challenge and you all did quite well. Once again, picking the winners was difficult.

But before I tally today's points, I am pondering a few existential questions. Allow me to ramble a bit. During the school year, my kids are not allowed to watch much television, and we never watch day time TV. During the summer, all bets are off, and the tv seems to be on all goddamn day. ESPN, ESPNU, ESPN2, Bravo, that RiverMonsters channel, MTV, VH1, and every other crap network out there. Now I know why our entire civilization is quickly eroding into a big pile of garbage. Cable TV...it's an f'ing wasteland...So, here are some of my questions:

• Are Ryan and Tatum O'Neal so hard up for cash that they will unveil the most ungodly behavior on this new reality show they've got on Oprah's new net work?
• How money grubby is Oprah that she will back this kind of crap?
• And of course, can I stop myself from watching this train wreck? (it's a toss-up)
• Is anyone shocked that Hugh Hefner was dumped by his 25 year old fiancee?
• Or shocked that the whole thing was a big, fat set up?
• Or shocked that Dr. Phil's son is somehow involved?
• Does anyone in Hollywood, except Chris O'Donnell, hang out/hook up/date/marry normal people who are not in some way affiliated or hoping to be affiliated with show business/music business/ modeling/the porn industry/Oprah or Oprah off shoots?
• Why the hell did Arnold and Maria's ex housekeeper grant an interview to that British Magazine? And how humiliating for Maria.
• Doesn't that kid look freakishly like Arnold? Creepy....
• Do you really think it was only a few times?
• Is Ian still alive on Pretty Little Liars?
• Really?? Is anyone surprised that Snookie got arrested in Italy?
• When does Rescue Me come back on??

Ok, got those little mysteries off my chest. Now, here is the scoring for tonight: Quantity and quality combined: (just a little side note---while Brenna/Kim had some very fine sentences, she will not be getting any points tonight...not really as a punishment, more as a gentle encouragement to stay on the straight and narrow...)
Number Five: A tie between John and Judy--short and sweet made an impact on the judges tonight: John's "Pack suck" and Judy's "Hell yeah, Game time!" 10 points each for the both of you, plus your quantity points--that's 14 for John and 34 for Judy, ...thus far
Number Four: John's  "Yale/golf dyke" one. I was very impressed. Another 20 for John, bringing his night's total up to 34...the race gets tighter.
Number Three: Tricia's "golf cart sans cart girl" one.  The boys loved this one, because their heads have been turned a time or two by one of the cart girls at Strawberry Creek...hit close to home. 36 big points for you.
Number Two: Judy's "Cris bald team" one. The boys are nothing if not egocentric, so this totally got their votes and Judge Wendy was quite impressed...Well done, Mrs Pulera--74 big, important points for you.
Number One: Stacy. Even on the road, Stacy brings it home. Her solo entry was quite impressive...and according to Judge Wendy, it made the most sense. This is one tight little race we have here.

To spice things up a bit, starting with tomorrow's judging, we are going to increase the point totals. It's all doubling up, even the  quantity points, so bring it on. Two good days and any one can win it all....
Now, for tonight's challenge: Write a logical alliterative sentence about reality TV. (remember, alliterative sentences are those that have the same beginning letter sounds) For example: Stupid Snookie still seems so skanky swilling successive smirnoffs. You guys can make some better and longer sentences...I'm running out of time. Good Luck with this one and do your very best to rack up huge, huge points.

Tonight's Top Ten:--10 great suggestions for Father's Day--you're welcome

1. The 30 for 30 DVDs--produced by ESPN--these movies are dynamite. I'm not kidding. The SMU one was super informative. I want them WAY more than Dave McKeon
2. A round of golf at Whistling Straits--great course, great club house, a great gift
3. The non iron shirts from Brooks Brothers.--can't go wrong here. I think they have a deal going on
4. A tie from Ben Silver...(or Hermes, if your dad is a real clothes horse)--their stuff is classic, and they  have some great patterns
5. The Nook---however, I have to warn you--this thing is addictive. It's like crack for readers...
6. Bonobos shorts or pants...check them out, their are pretty cool
7. The New Droid Thunderbolt Verizon's 4G Phone--according to my sources from McTernan wireless, a new tower is being put up in Kenosha tomorrow
8. Some great steaks from William Sonoma's new meat catalogue...and/or a great steak dinner at Mr. B's steakhouse.
9. A subscription to GQ Magazine--just a ton of great value here...and it looks like you planned ahead
10. Love--(or some Titleist ProV golf balls)

Good luck tonight. Go make some sentences....

LIMERICKS?? ARE YOU SURE???

The judges have conferred. We've viewed and reviewed your limericks....and I'm not pointing any fingers, but...some of you seem to have a little trouble with cadence, rhythm, and counting...John, I truly appreciate your willingness to help your fellow competitors crack the (obviously trickier than I thought) code of the limerick, and the judges (particularly Judge Wendy) could feel your pain as you grew somewhat frustrated when they did not follow your advice...so noted. Seriously, Judge Wendy was unforgiving regarding the form and structural requirements of the limerick--really unforgiving...so, I'm already apologizing in advance for her harshness...(you should have seen her original list of winners and her comments...woooh!!)

Little aside--right now, while waiting for Jack McKeon to grill up some dinner (got to blog...no time to cook) I am watching that America's Got Talent Show...guess what? America does not have talent--some guy just tried to blow up three hot water bottles??? Really??? this is talent?? Thank God the Pretty Little Liars Season Premiere is on tonight...now there's some good tv viewing...and the melodramatic soundtrack makes it just that much better...

Back to the blog....let's just get tonight's scoring over with...and make it quick and painless, like pulling off a bandaid...Quantity and quality points will be combined to ease the blows and help mitigate the brute force of Judge Wendy's rigidity....Here we go:
Number 5: Judy and her "pick a better parent" limerick...very clever, and that cleverness allowed Judge Wendy to overlook a few syllable glitches....not that she didn't bring it up...repeatedly...20 points for you, tonight (10 of each..) a darn fine showing..
Number 4: Stacy and her "creme brulee" limerick...this one drove Judge Wendy crazy because "it was sooo close, and then kind of lost it on the last line"...she's a stickler, that judge Wendy..21 points for Stacy...still right in the hunt...
Number 3: John's "Guido sausage" limerick. Very well played...funny, great rhythm, great closer...all good. I'm telling you, John is a limerick savant...seriously....30 points for quality, 14 for quantity...more to come
Number 2: Kim's "Garden of Eden" limerick--nicely done, Kim. Actually Kim had a few very fine limericks--(was a big fan of the crepe suzette one as well.) 50 very big points for you!!
Number 1: John again...the "college/Jamarcus" one--Home Run!! Of course the boys LOVED this one, and it really was excellent...John, you have some legit limerick skills...Kind of freaking, scary, actually....50 points for you for first, 30 from third and 14 quantity points....holy crap, that's 94 big ass points...

The gauntlet has been thrown down, ladies....nicely played, John. The contest is not even half over, so it's still anyone's ball game... now, on to the latest challenge--Challenge Number Five (if I'm not mistaken): please write a sentence comprised of only four letter words AND about sports....
example: "Cubs aces hurl hard orbs into some dirt, over guys' feet, plus near your seat, thus they lose alot." (this was kind of hard for me...bring back the limerick...)  If tonight's contest has taught you anything, following the rules matters...ALOT. Further, when it comes to the sentence type challenges, it's all about the clever...don't just go for length...(because the judges just stop reading...) Good luck and c'mon, ladies...let's bring this one home...

No top ten...start counting those four letter words...

NERDY WORDY: DOUBLE LETTER SCORE

Nice work to all on the rather lengthy sentences full of double letters. I must say, I missed Sue Chiappetta's entry(ies)  She should have been a lock on this one, as her name is full of double letters-Alas, she did not partake in today's fun. Plenty more chances for her to get back into the game.

While I wait for Judge Wendy to give me her official decision regarding those VERY long sentences, allow me to digress just a little....Today I had my annual physical. It was totally fine, but it was one more occasion that highlights the remarkable differences between me and Dave McKeon. When Dave had his annual physical this past December, he starved himself for two weeks and refused to eat anything that would show up in a blood test. He is a big believer in trying to fake out the cholesterol screening. I on the other hand, take the approach of : it is what it is...So, this morning, after taking the kids to the orthodontist (Nate McKeon got his braces off...looking good) I drove through the Burger King (McKeon family ritual--all doctors and dentist appointments are followed by some sort of foodfest) and while getting food for the progeny,  I shamelessly ordered myself a whopper junior with cheese. Yeah, I knew I had my physical later that day, but I was really hungry and a whopper junior really hits the spot. And really? who am I kidding?? Like the doctor can't see pretty quickly that I'm no skinnier or healthier than I was last year?? Whatever. However, I really admire Dave's "can do" attitude and eternal physical optimism....(but I will also add, both my blood pressure and cholesterol are freakishly low for someone who eats as much and as poorly as I do...)

Speaking of can-do attitudes, as I've mentioned, Dave McKeon took the low carb/no carb diet very seriously. (4 Hour Body has become his Bible) He has dropped almost 25 pounds. He is skinnier than when we met and like I said...it's kind of freaking me out.... For a few reason: First of all, suddenly, three of our four sons weigh more than or close to what Dave weighs...What the hell?? How am I supposed to scare them straight when they are now bigger than their old man?  Sure, he can still kick their asses, and of course, we still hold all of the financial power, but the gap is closing and I'm feeling nervous ...Secondly, you know what they say about middle aged men who suddenly start dieting?....Yeah, me too. So, when I brought this up to Dave McKeon, he laughed just crazy hard in my face saying: "Are you kidding me? You think I would ever have a girlfriend on the side??? I can't even afford you. There is no way I'm bringing any other females into my life....even Posey's wardrobe is bleeding me dry. Jesus, the biggest reason why I'm sticking to this diet is that it's cutting down on the grocery bill.. Besides, you're the one who convinced me to go on this diet with you. and read that 1,000 page book..It's not my fault that you quit after chapter 2 and caved on the diet the minute you smelled Poe's onion rings....not that you need to lose any weight.  Oh, shit, don't get mad....See, this, this is why I'd NEVER have a girlfriend..."....and so it goes.... I swear though, between you and me...Dave McKeon has manorexia, He's getting way too skinny.  Though his drop in weight may be directly proportional to the rise in his Notre Dame tuition bill this fall....maybe if I started writing the checks around here, I could drop some middle aged spread, too...naaah, too stressful....

Ok, this just in: Judge Wendy has spoken (called) and the results are in. We are doing total points (quantity and quality together) because I really need to post ASAP and get back to my Nook---it is my new true love.  I am going to have to leave the Nook at home when I go to school because I cannot be trusted to be in the same room with it. It's siren song just sucks me in. ...(shocker that someone with my incredible will power can't stick to a diet...)

Now, I want to be perfectly clear....there were many great sentences entered today, BUT I did warn you that Judge Wendy is a stickler for syntax and clarity (you are lucky that you get to type these little ditties or Judge Wendy would be taking into account your penmanship as well) The sentences actually have to make sense, and despite all male thinking to the contrary, length is not always the most important factor. (You heard it here first).  As a matter of fact, one of the judges blatantly stated: "Once those long ones stop making sense, I just quit reading" And heard from another judge: "The first one that actually makes sense is getting my vote" . So, a little tip to the contestants:  when posting your entries, remember your judges: a control freak, rule following teacher, a skittish, flaky soon to be grad student and two moronic, swamp monster watching, no attention spanned adolescents. Pitch it to their level...and you will reap the rewards.

With that in mind, here are today's top five:
Number 5: Tricia--she just had the one entry, but her mention of Burberry and Tiffany's hit a chord with at least one judge--11 points for her.
Number 4: Brenna/Kim--she had 4 nice entries, and the judges found the one about the grinning doorman the best. 24 very nice points for her, and my eternal sympathy for the car vandalism...What's up with that??
Number 3: John for his last entry--sure, the judges realized that it makes no sense, but they just felt sorry for that "annoying aardvark eating that green apple". 35 total points for him tonight.
Number 2; Judy Pulera...again. The judges loved the Woodstock entry and the moms in the crowd were tempted by the "lip gloss/ ass halling (sic)" entry. 43 big, big points for Judy. Consistency is your middle name.
Number 1: Stacy, stacy, stacy...once again, hitting the home run with one swing of the bat. Everybody voted her "phone etiquette" sentence as their favorite.  I truly do admire her strategy...let's see if it has legs....

And I was just informed by one of the Judges that Suechi just weighed in. Sorry, Sue, the time was up, but if it makes you feel any better, you had Nate's vote, because "hey, I'm voting for Mrs. Chiappetta, because I can actually can understand what she's saying...." Too bad Nate can't tell time....No worries, Sue, there are many more challenges to come. Like the one for tomorrow....(nice segue, eh?) Here it is: In honor of Dave McKeon and his manorexia, and Laurie McKeon and her fooderexia, please write a limerick (or 50--John Heinzmann) about food or some food related topic (that has nothing to do with politics OR Michelle Obama).  Like:
There once was a family of eight
whose meals were chronically late
the mom wouldn't cook
so engrossed in her nook
that the dad dropped a shitload of weight

Or something along those lines. good luck. It's way harder than it looks. (the last line is a killer).

Here are today's top ten:
1. Pawn Stars---have you seen this show?? It's addictive--thanks, a lot Jack McKeon for bringing this to my attention...just what I need, another distraction keeping me from buying my books....
2. Michael Malone's books--they are very long and thus quite the Nook bargain...
3. Whopper Jr. with cheese---hits the spot
4. Olive Juice shoe sale for kids--some great buys, very classic shoes...stock up now for fall
5. The Dallas Mavericks--class move by  Mark Cuban letting the trophy be handed to the original owner
6. Matt Mattuecci--he can kick a forty five yard field goal--it's true, it's on youtube. I saw it..
7. All Girl's Allowed--Annie is working there this summer. Their Executive Director testified before congress today. It's pretty cool. check out their website...100% of all donations go directly to helping women and children in China
8. Bertucci Field Watch--a great value and very cool look...not a bad Father's Day gift for that hip dad
9. Nate McKeon--a fine judge and no longer a brace face--one less McKeon on the orthodontist receivables.
10. Casey Ferraro--saving my bacon this summer. Thanks, Case

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Man, what was I thinking?? I certainly started a little shitstorm by bringing politics into this challenge...lesson learned.  However, I do appreciate the candor, and also the respect for each other's view points. (thanks, Judy and Tricia for being so gracious) That's what makes America so great (political tolerance, freedom of speech, the interstate highway system, Nordstrom's shoe department and 24 hour access to microwave bacon).

I am not going to lie to you. The panel of judges went toe to toe on this challenge--lots of discussion, lots of debates....but we finally came to an uneasy truce.  Judge Wendy is a stickler for following the rules and kept us all honest by mentioning....several times, I might add, that the haikus were supposed to be about disgraced politicians (and not just about politicians of a different political persuasion), my other two stalwart judges (Nate and Chris) mostly liked the ones that made them laugh or contained some sort of profanity (adolescent males, go figure) and I am all about the clever. So, I'm telling you, picking tonight's winners was NOT an easy task. Hell, just reading all 100 plus entries thoroughly was not an easy task. But, I must admit, seeing my blog hits jump to over 30,300--was pretty super sweet---priceless...

First, let's score the quantity points--
John--Way to tally up the points!! 57 entries (not counting the ones you deleted...again, to reiterate Sue Chiappetta's query, how bad were the ones you chose NOT to print???) 57 enormous points for you.
Judy: 21 quantity points,  you are killing, AND big props for getting your husband and son to weigh in...this has not gone unnoticed by the judges
Tricia--18 big points, nicely played---and I need to point out just how much I laughed at the haiku about you having too much time on your hands...I was all for giving that some points, but a CERTAIN judge would not allow us to include a haiku that made absolutely no mention of a politician at all in the top five...sorry....
Brenna/Kim--7 for you (counting the one about the track money....I wanted to give that one some props too, but Judge Wendy would not allow it--no politician involved, and a few missing syllables...darn that rule follower...)
Sue--4 quantity points for you--going for the quality angle, admit it
Stacy, Kristi and New Guy--I admire your confidence, banking on the quality points to see you through...it's a legit strategy....

Now, on to the quality. Again, I must remind all contestants that these haikus were to be about disgraced politicians. AND I want to remind all that having a few family and/or friends weigh in will help your cause...
Number 5 (this is a tie because I could not choose--) So 10 points each for Brenna/Kim's "hotdog or human" one and Tricia's "...that's why I'm a mom" one. I really like both of these, and since I was not allowed to award points for the "track money" or "go back to college" ones, this will have to suffice. Kim's total for the night: 17, Tricia's=28. Nice job, ladies
Number 4--and again, this is one that I totally appreciated but the boys did not...Sue Chiappetta's Jenny Sanford "house on Sullivan's Island" haiku....clever to me, and I am a bit of a Jenny Sanford fan because she didn't do the "perp" press conference..."we're working on our relationship" bull that all the other wives pull. She put her kids in the car and drove the hell away from the governor's mansion.. she got a house on Sullivan's Island and wrote a best selling book. I'd like to think that's the way I'd play it out.... 20 points for you, Sue, 24 total points for the day. Well done, especially as you are planning a wedding...
Number 3--John Heinzman's Michelle Obama one...   Thank the brotherhood for this one, as Michelle Obama (though pretty irritating at times) is not a disgraced politician, per se, but the boys would not be denied. They flat out LOVED this one. And it totally made Wendy and I laugh, too. 30 points for this crowdpleaser.---Also, I'd like to point out a few other John favorites--(especially with the boys...."Dear Mr. Obama, you ignorant piece of shit...", the "Peter Barca wearing plaid", the " Joe Union fat cats", all the "zombie" ones, and of course "the crazed poodle". John, you are one haiku prolific son of a gun...--87 whopping points for you tonight!!!---world record...
Number 2--once again, Stacy sends in one and only one entry and scores big: Her Anthony Weiner haiku was masterful, excellent word choice, nice flow, extremely timely and follows all the rules...a big favorite with the more literate judges (Wendy, me...) 40 very big points, bringing your total to 41--I am enjoying your strategy...it will be interesting to see how it all plays out
Number 1--again a consensus vote--Judy Pulera's "Brokeback bathroom" haiku--while it didn't hurt that Judy had a little fan club following, I have to say, this haiku had everything the judges were looking for: disgraced politician, excellent movie reference, clever phrasing, and subtle humor. Judy, not only are you the push up champ, but you have quite the way with  words... 71 great big points for your efforts. I can feel it...This is going to be a race to the finish....keep it coming.

Here is today's big challenge: Write a sentence with as many double letter words as you can. Ex. Matthew's mommy Betty dabbled in bookkeeping while getting her degree in accounting from Mississippi Valley College. (16 sets of double letters)  I'm sure you can all do better than that. Remember, cleverness counts and Judge Wendy is a syntax Nazi, so make sure your sentences make sense....

Good luuuck (sorry, fake double letter words do not count)

A little aside to John, if you and Dave McKeon were in the same room, it would tilt so far to the right that everyone else would fall over...no kidding. Also, the Jesse Jackson one made me LMAO. (not a fan)

No top ten tonight, because I've been typing this up for over three hours now...(yeah, I'm going to do great in grad school....with these cracker jack technical skills....)

NERDY WORDY: DAY TWO

Oh, I love this blog!! Once again, you all came through with wit and wisdom that actually makes me regret ignoring this renewable source of constant entertainment for the last few weeks. Lesson learned. (hopefully).

Now that another YCSMIHK's blog contest is in play, I am back to making the quickest, easiest dinners possible for my family, so that I can get a post up by 7ish...Tonight's masterpiece: Mexican Dip--feel free to steal this easy, peasy meal--This dish actually started out as a legit meal that involved the oven and real ingredients, but as I had more kids and less time, I started cutting every corner and distilled it to it's simplest form.  The upside of this dish is that half of my kids actually like it, and 2 more will eat it. Jackpot...If I can feed five out of six McKeon kids with one meal, it's in the permanent rotation. Moreover, it's one of those meals that can change depending on what ingredients you have (or usually in my case--don't have) in the house. Here is the "recipe" (read this with a sarcastic tone in your head):  Brown up some ground beef or ground turkey in a big skillet. Throw in some salsa and/or canned tomatoes with those Mexican spices (whatever is in the pantry) or if you are one of those people with fresh vegetables at your house, throw in tomatoes, onions, peppers (like I've got time to cut that shit up...I just toss in some Chi-Chi's medium salsa, which I buy by the gallon). Sometimes I add some frozen corn...sometimes I don't. Heat it up, top with some cheese (any kind is fine, trust me, I once threw in a big hunk of Havarti with dill because that's all I had...no one complained). Serve with taco shells, tostito chips, and any extra "toppings" you may have like sour cream, black beans, extra cheese, avocados.... Make some Mexican rice from a box and you look like the fricking Frito bandito or Jose Cuervo (I don't know the name of any Mexican chefs, but you get the point) Seriously, this meal takes like two minutes and only dirties a few dishes...Your welcome.

Now for the results of yesterday's Nerdy Wordy Challenge:  First of all, I commend each and everyone of you for your efforts. Way to go. Next, you all need to get your friends, family, brokers, parole officers, whatever to weigh in because I cannot make these tough judgment calls on who's entry is the best on my own....Please, for all of our sakes, get some friends to talk up your entries. Please, I'm begging you. I assure you that I am easily swayed. A few positive comments on the blog and you can be a winner...So, because I am a big, vacillating wuss...(they all sounded good to me) I called in an expert to judge today's entries. My sister Wendy---she may not be able to pick light fixtures or paint colors, but she sure has a ton of opinions regarding pangrams (thank you, Kim Pechous, for that little tidbit....I honestly did not know that these little gems had a name) Wendy will now be part of a panel of guest judges that I will be relying on for advice. My expert/sister told me that I am not "objective" enough and am judging too much on content and humor and not enough on quality of entry....She's probably right...(and she has that summer house, so I will totally  let her boss me around--it's summer and I want an invite...) I also had young Nate McKeon peruse the entries. He weighed in as well...Bottom line here: if you don't like the results of tonight's judging...Don't blame me.

No, seriously, all the entries were good. Actually, some were too good. Wendy did a little checking and found some of your sentences on the world wide web. She is not as lenient with the whole "cheating" thing as I am. She truly values "original work" (darn teacher training) and that became a big issue with her in regard to tonight's winners...Also, she was a big fan of brevity and sentences that made sense. I am a big fan of the ones that made me laugh. So, we hit some compromises. Here are the results:

First, the quantity points:
John: 7, Tricia 3, Sue 4, Brenna/Kim 7, Jamarcus 2, Judy 2, Brian (or is it Sara again?), Stacy, JoeL, and Kristi 1 point.

Now, the quality points--because Wendy, Nate and I  (ok, mostly Wendy and I) couldn't agree on the top three, we decided to go to the top five entries, awarding 50 points to the best entry, 40 to the next best, 30 and so on. More points, more fun, more chances to win.
Number 5 on tonight's best of is Suechi's entry about the "ten day time zapper". Nice job, Sue. It's pertinent, timely, includes all the necessary letters and is not a total run on sentence. 10 big points for you, plus your 4 quantity points gives you a nice total of 14 points for today. Well done.
Number 4 on tonight's "best of" list is JoeLakens entry about "being shamed into a quiz" and mentioning an "ex-wife Julie". This was one of my big favorites. Wendy ranked it high as well, and would have put it even higher if  Joe's wife's real name was Julie. Nice work, Joe. great to have you in the contest. 21 points for you tonight. Keep up the good work.
Number 3 (and Wendy and I almost came to blows over this one...) is Kristi's entry. Wendy thought it was too long. I had to give it major points for dead on accuracy. I was laughing so hard I almost cried. ---
----Big Aside:  Dave McKeon is just realizing the personal magnitude for him of me being gone for four weeks. I must admit, when I applied for this MNA program, I thought that it would be sort of Kumbayaish, where we sit around and discuss esoteric nonprofit stuff and I could kind of sneak home a lot.  Then I got my schedule and we have class SIX DAYS A WEEK!! And I heard from a woman who is a year ahead of me in the program that it's kind of major and there is a ton of group projects that get done on the weekends. Then, she told me that everyone who is in the program lives in the dorms because they study together...all the time. (I am WAY too old for this) So, I signed up for on campus housing and am living in a dorm....(yeah, this could be a huge mistake, but I didn't want to be labeled as the "high maintenance bitchy one who's too good to live in a dorm"....at least not right away) The good news is I don't have a roommate, the bad news is I have to share a bathroom....Also, I will only be able to come home on Saturday nights and have to be back by early Monday morning.  When Dave heard this, he kind of panicked. Needless to say, he has booked rooms at the Morris Inn for several nights this summer. He was really banking on that whole "sleeping with a coed" thing.  That's why Kristi's entry is so timely...and so funny...at least to me.  Thirty one points for you, Kristi. Way to go.
Number Two: Stacy Spracklin's "zipping the junk" entry. Again, it made me laugh a ton, and Wendy loved the brevity. This was classic Stacy. One fine entry and she nails it. I guess somebody is gunning for a matching set of jewelry. You are off to a fine, fine start. Congrats and enjoy those 41 big points.
And finally, the Number One Entry of the day, a consensus pick of all three judges: Judy Pulera's Arnold Schwarznegger entry.  In all honesty, Judy, both of your entry were super...timely, relevant, logical, brief and funny. Actually, they were so good that Wendy made me google the Arnold one to make sure that it was not stolen off of the internet.  I did try to explain to her that there is probably not a huge demand for Arnold Schwarznegger pangrams, but she wanted to be sure.....I had no doubt. Excellent work, as always, by Judy Pulera.  Why am I not surprised? A whopping 52 points for you. Way to get out of the blocks fast...

So, once again, people, we have ourselves a contest. This was a great first day, but there are nine more challenges to go. And remember, you can score on quantity AND quality. AND get your posses to chat up your entries. The pressure of being a judge will soon be getting to Wendy, too. Let's get a few more voices in the mix....

Now, here is today's challenge: Write a haiku (or twenty) about a disgraced politician (or twenty). (I actually thought this challenge up before Judy's pangram,....I really did) For those of you who forget, a haiku is that little Japanese poem that has three lines. The first and last lines contain five syllables, the middle line has seven. That's it. For example:
Oh, Mister Spitzer
Eighty Grand on prostitutes
Now on CNN?

You all get it and I am sure you can do better than that hackish example above. There are so many disgraced politicians to choose from....and because tomorrow is Saturday, (no questions will be posted tomorrow), you have until 5pm Sunday to post up all of your entries. C'mon, John, Tricia needs that necklace to get her through the summer....It's still anybody's ball game.

Special aside to Tricia: Sure, come join me in my dorm room....I could use the company, as I know that I will alienate my classmates with my poor attitude and cynical outlook. Also, maybe you will know how to do my homework, or how to work in a group with others....I fear these may be difficult for me....BECAUSE I STILL HAVEN'T BOUGHT MY BOOKS YET... or turned in my health form. Really, does anyone have shot records from their childhood? I know I don't.

Today's Top Ten:

1. www.missingmoney.com --I actually found over 3 grand that we left in an escrow account from when we lived in Cleveland (obviously we couldn't get out of there fast enough). No lie. And it's super easy to do... This covers a tiny portion of my tuition and a few incidentals...(shoes, tutoring)
2. Godiva's salted caramel candy bars--these are incredibly good. (Have you all figured out that I have given up on the no carb diet?? Dave "Spartan" McKeon is still fighting the good fight and has lost 25 pounds...I am not happy about it, because now I'm the fatty in our relationship and I don't like it...)
3. The Nook--just bought a color nook. AND nook insurance.  It's pretty sweet, but I'm trying not to get too attached as you know that this nook will meet a similar fate to the kindle...
4. Benadryl--I really did get sun poisoning and benadryl works wonders to control the ugly rash...and seems to take the edge off of the day...This may be just what you are looking for, Tricia...
5. Brooks Brothers cashmere/silk cardigan sweaters--these are on sale and are worth every single penny.--really, really soft 
6.  Filson belts--these are total classics--check them out at filson.com 
7. That New Updated Preppy Handbook-- I know that it has been out for a while, but I picked up the Brooks Brothers addition when I was in there a few weeks ago and it totally cracked me up. Hit a little too close to home at times, but a very funny read. 
8.  JCrew's women's linen and cotton cropped pants--a versatile pant for the summer and comes in great colors
9. Judge Wendy
10. Pangrams--who knew how much fun they could be? Who knew they had an actual name??

That's all for today,  Please go get your haikus on and try to please Judge Wendy--she's a bit of a stickler, so form counts.

IT'S ON!!

Man, it's so hard to keep up with this blog when the sun is shining. I leave for school two weeks from tomorrow, and am trying to cram an entire summer's worth of fun into these next few days. I've totally conceded "Class Valedictorian" and "Most Likely to Succeed", but I still think I have a great shot at "Best Dressed" and "Best Tan".(I have been frying like bacon for the last few days, I'm not going to lie to you..I think I have sun poisoning ) Thank God it's only 45 degrees outside today (nice weather for June 9th), so I can devote myself to this blog without missing any melanoma enhancing rays.

Today is the day that I introduce the next contest. I know, I can hardly wait either. It's a really, really good one, but before I lay out all of the details, I am going to insert one of my favorite old columns--the graduation one. It's only fitting that during this commencement season, I trot out these sage words of advice: (I meant to do this over the weekend, to coincide with Jack's graduation, but--like so many other things I was hoping to get done...it just didn't happen) Now, I'm going to rerun this column AND start the new contest all in one--ambitious, yes, but rather efficient. So, here is the column:

As colleges across the nation hold their graduation ceremonies, many notables are giving inspirational commencement addresses.  And though I have yet to be formally (or informally for that matter) asked to speak to this year’s newly minted graduates, I, too, have some solid words of wisdom.

To the Class of 2008,

Hurray for you.  You’ve made it. You’ve climbed the mountain, written the thesis, gotten the sheepskin, and repaired all of the nail holes in your student apartment with toothpaste in the futile hopes of getting your security deposit back.  Way to go. But now, as you enter the cold, cruel world of adulthood, with its myriad responsibilities of car payments, student loans, insurance premiums, and utility bills, I’d like to give you a few words of advice.

1. You will never be any smarter than you are today.  Trust me, never again in your natural life will you be so sure that you have all the answers and be so willing to share them with others.  Right now, today, you know it all.  And that’s great, because this is your special graduation day, but starting tomorrow…

2. Buy a belt.  Low slung pants may be all the rage on your college campus, but in the real world, the world that has absolutely no interest in your prowess at beer pong, no one wants to see your butt cleavage, plumber’s crack, paisley boxers, back tattoo, muffin top or thong.  Pull up your pants and put on a belt.  While you’re at it, pick up some decent shoes.  Unless you are embarking on a lucrative career as a life guard, flip flops are unacceptable in the work place.  (or the White House)

3. Along those same lines, lose the ball cap, skull cap, stocking cap, doo rag or any other funky head attire.   Believe it or not, back in the day, it was considered very poor form for a gentleman to wear a hat indoors.  While that bastion of decorum has long gone by the wayside (totally due to major league sports merchandising), it is still inappropriate to wear that Cubs cap to the office (possible exception if  you just signed a major league contract –though if it’s with the Cubs, you’ll be way  too embarrassed to wear the hat)

4. Get a job.  I may be stating the obvious, but jobs pay money and money buys food.  The days of some campus employee in a hair net placing food on your cafeteria tray are over.  All that Easy Mac is on your tab now.  And if you ever want to be able to buy the wine that comes in a bottle, rather than a box, you’re going to need a job. 

5. Show up every day.  Contrary to popular belief, there is no “three cut” policy in the work force.  Your employer expects you there every day, so unless you have a written note from the Center for Disease Control, or your father owns the company, go to work.   Also, FYI, there is no spring break, summer vacation, Christmas break or senior skip day.  And sorry, it’s too late to switch your major to education.

6. Be on time.  Now that you are a full fledged adult, your mom, roommate, boyfriend or parole officer is not responsible for getting you out of bed.   Buy an alarm clock, program your phone, get a dog or work the night shift.  Nothing is more impressive to an employer than showing up every day, on time.

7. Put in a full day’s work.  No matter how boring, tedious, repetitive or hard.  This is why they call it work.  If it was big, super fun every day, they wouldn’t have to pay you.  And sad to say, when you put in your full day’s work, no one is going to throw you a party, hand you a medal or give you a trophy.  You get a pay check. Be grateful.

8. Listen way more than you talk.  I know, you’re a college grad and you just aced your integral logistics final, not to mention that B+ you got in statistics, but you should probably wait until the ink on your company ID dries before telling the woman who’s been running the shipping department for the last 18 years that she’s doing it all wrong.

9. Oh, by the way, that money that is missing from your pay check is for taxes, and yes, you have to pay them.  You are now footing the bill for roads, schools, safety and the national defense, not to mention a lot of pork barrel and boondoggle. Stings a little, doesn’t it?  Welcome to the club. 

10. Finally, say thank you.  Many, many people have sacrificed a lot to get you to this day.  Your parents, siblings, teachers and friends all have earned a stake in your future.  You’re one of the lucky ones.  You’ve made it through.  Now get out there and make us proud.

Yeah, it's a few years old, but still words to live by. Feel free to share this with your nearest and dearest.

Now, on to the BIG, BIG, BIG CONTEST!! This is the real deal and you do NOT want to miss out. I've spent the last few weeks (ok, days...ok, hours...ok, like twenty minutes) thinking up a contest that will only take two weeks, that does not lend itself to cheating, (although I'm sure those of you who want to cheat will find a way...) that requires some thinking skills but not tooo much, that is easy (ish) for me to score/judge, that will allow for some audience participation (this means you, Joe Laken) and that is entertaining...especially for me. (and if it drives a little traffic to the blog, all the better)

So, with all of that in mind, here is the contest: Every day for the next 10 days (Starting today, but not on Sundays) I will give you all a literary (using that terms VERY loosely) challenge. It will be some sort of sentence, word, letter or story challenge. Each day, the challenge will be different and you will all have until five o'clock the next day to submit your best effort. You can submit as many entries as you want per day as long as they are submitted during the daily time period, and you will get one point per submission, as long as they meet the daily challenges requirements.  I will then choose the best three entries per contest (per day) and award points accordingly:  (I'm still working on the point scale, because the best efforts need to score as high or higher than the most entries, and I'm not sure how many entries people like John Heinzmann will submit...) This should appeal to all of you word nerds--all you folks who play that "Words with Friends" game and those of you who consider yourselves wordsmithy. The judging is primarily based on following the rules of that day's contest, and then on cleverness and the ability to make me laugh. However, there is another component: you can get others to comment on your entries and I will take those comments into consideration as I award points. I mean it. I get kind of stressed out judging you guys, and if others way in with their opinions, I will be easily led in that direction, because then I am not the bad guy...

At the end of the 10 days (like on Thursday, June 23rd) I will announce the winner. And this time, and I mean this with all of my heart, THERE WILL ONLY BE ONE WINNER--just one, I'm not kidding. It's been a super expensive spring (Charleston, London, Scotland, graduations, new shorts for the ever expanding McKeon boys waistlines, --Chris came home from college twenty pounds heavier--a few new pairs of Burberry pumps for me, not to mention that sweet LongChamp suitcase and four Notre Dame tuition bills) and the generally amiable Dave McKeon has no interest whatsoever in funding little prizes for my bloggy friends...so, here is the prize--I already bought it, and it is pretty awesome--You remember how much you all were loving the Tiffany bead bracelet?? Well, now I've got the necklace and it's better than you can imagine. That's the prize--the beautiful bead necklace, which will match nicely with the bracelet for those of you who won one last time, (Stacy, John) or looks equally amazing on its own, (everyone else)  I hope you all understand the rules, and please continue to stay flexible as I always need to work the kinks out as these contests unfold.

So, here is tonight's contest:  Please make a sentence (funny, timely, clever, silly....) using every letter in the alphabet---(yes, you can use some letters more than once) You know, like the old typing sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog".  or  "Crazy Laurie just might be quivering as she keeps failing to do her tax homework" .  See, that's not so hard. (ok, that took me a little longer than I thought, but I'm sure you are all way better at this than I am) You have until 5pm tomorrow to submit all of your entries. I will review them, review the comments from all of your cool friends, score the entries and then tell you what the next challenge is ....it will be something kind of similar to tonight's challenge, and will always involve words. Any questions?? I hope not. Good luck and I know  I will get some killer entries by tomorrow at five. Please don't let me down. I need a few good laughs before I really do flunk out of school. (Seriously, one person in my class already did some big old spread sheet with our whole summer's home work assignments....I have yet to buy the books....but I do have this killer tan... and some dynamite shoes...)

So, go to it...It's on...Best contest ever...

Special aside to Judy -- I am officially a boot camp drop out...the thought of getting up at 4:50 for my last few weeks of summer is just unbearable. Once you got hurt and Beth stopped coming, I kind of stopped liking it...And, who am I kidding?? I haven't lost a single pound since I've started bootcamp three summers ago....

No top ten today--just go think up some sentences for me....thanks

TEAM BALDY

Obviously, without a contest I cannot be trusted to ever post on this blog. I keep thinking I will get around to it,and then, something comes up that makes me lose my focus, and then I get tired and then I just don't post....same old, ugly, procrastinating story. I'd apologize, but it seems so insincere, when I never actually change my slacker behavior.  I guess for now, it is what it is.

Today is the last day of school for the McKeon progeny and I couldn't be more excited. I mean it...I LOVE SUMMER.  love it, love it, love it.  The pressure is off and the schedule eases up a bit. Because of my own personal "Back to School" plans, my summer will be quite short (like three and a half weeks) but right now, that's ok with me. Once we get through Jack's graduation this weekend, I am officially off the clock for 20 days...OK, there is some sort of school assignments that I keep hearing about, but until I actually buy my books, I don't think I can get much traction there...(Guess who is NOT going to be class valedictorian??, or voted most likely to succeed??)

Today we're busting my mom out of her "rehab" center...(it's really a nursing home, but we keep calling it a rehab center, so she feels more positive about the whole experience...didn't really work, but she did stick with the program). She's rehabbed herself back into fighting shape and now will be returning to her apartment. Fingers crossed that all goes well. And she regains enough mobility and sense to occasionally stop by my house this summer while I am gone and make sure that it has not been converted into Frat Row, and if she could throw in a load of whites, that'd be even better.

Now for today's topic: Team Baldy...The boys' tennis team once again has shaved their heads in support of Sarcoma Research. You all recall the beautiful photos of last year's team, headlined by Chris "Six Flags Old Guy" McKeon. Well, here is this year's version. (Jack is the big one in the middle, Nate is next to him. Pete is the punky one on the far right--they do not look good...but it's for a good cause)

I must confess, it is quite impressive to me that these high school kids are super gung ho to shave off their hair for a good cause. (just about the whole team went total full on bald for this great cause). I also must confess that I nicked up way more scalps this year than I did last year. (Sorry, Matt Mattuecci, no one will see the scar from that big gash I gave you once your hair grows back). 

For those of you who do not know the full back story, please allow me to fill you in. About a year and a half ago, Jeff Collins--a great kid who is a good friend of Chris' and was a UW-Madison freshman last year, was diagnosed with Sarcoma. His little brother Pete is on the tennis team with various and sundry McKeon boys. Jeff started chemo close to the beginning of tennis season last year, and the 2010 tennis team, captained by Chris "I wear fake mustaches during matches" McKeon, in solidarity with Jeff and in an effort to raise some money for Cancer research, shaved their heads--baldy shave with a real live razor, not just a buzz cut. I must point this out for a few reason: 1. chemo leaves people bald, not just buzzed. 2. baldy shave is way uglier than buzz cut shave--human hair, even super short hair covers up a lot of bumpy, disfigured scalps. 3. it takes FOREVER to shave to the skin, like an hour per head. (head shaving tip: use soap and water, first go with the grain, then against it.) 4. I did most of the head shaving and 5. I am not a trained professional.  Last year's team, with their skin head look, raised about $3600 which they donated to the University of Wisconsin  Carbone Cancer Center Sarcoma Research Fund. (their donation actually helped establish this fund, as Sarcoma is a rather rare cancer and research money was scarce)

Flash forward to Spring of 2011:  Jeff Collins is cancer free, he returned to Madison last August, completed the entire school year, aced his classes, has a full head of hair, and continues to kick Chris McKeon's ass on the golf course. The tennis team, this year captained by Jack "the hair on my face is way longer than the hair on my head" McKeon, once again wanted to show their support for sarcoma research and celebrate Jeff's great results. A few weeks ago (yeah, yeah, I know. I should have posted this whole deal like the night we shaved heads, but I didn't...so, sue me) the team once again gathered in the always lovely McKeon garage for the great hair massacre 2011. (There is a great picture of Jeff's mom and fellow head shaver Patty Collins and I with the team surrounding a big, scary, ugly mound of shaved hair, but I can't figure out how to turn it into a jpeg thing and insert it in the blog--your welcome, because looking at that pile of hair will make you nauseous).  Jeff even made a guest appearance to view this year's head shaving and shoot some hoops with Chris, flaunting his full head of hair. So, as the school year winds down, the boys asked if I could use the power of this blog (please do not miss the intended irony of the phrase "power of the blog") to help them drum up some final donations. I know that they've hit many of you up already, but for those of you who escaped/ignored/ducked Team Baldy and have had a  crisis of conscience, here's your chance to make amends:  Please go online and make a donation at :  http://our.uwhealth.org/page/outreach/view/Sarcoma/sjca. What a great way to kick off summer and support a great cause. A huge thank you to those who have already donated and a huge thanks in anticipation of those of you who respond to the pleas of some bald headed adolescents. 

Enjoy these first few days of summer break. And I really do promise to post again soon. (I swear, I mean it) I  am also planning a new, quick, three week contest to pump me up before I go back to the life of a co-ed. Stay tuned. 

Today's Top Ten: 

1. Restoration Hardware outlet--I asked Dave McKeon to stop by there to pick up some full size sheets for Posey's new bed, and he came home with a leather sofa...so then we had to go back and buy a new rug to match the sofa...the new lamps were just a happy side benefit. 
2. Hummus and Pita from the Muffin Tin in Michigan...or from somewhere else... tastes like summer.
3. Jack Rogers new skimmer flats--I got the navy ones and lo and behold, Jack Rogers new looks were featured in Town and Country this month....
4. Dirk Nowitski --he's a crazy hard worker, modest and isn't mired in scandal
5. Vitamin water zero--my new beverage of choice...trying to kick the Diet Dr. Pepper habit
6. Adele--I know I'm coming late to this party, but she really is great
7. "Give in To Me"--from the Country Strong sound track--Annie McKeon made me a CD with some songs on it and I'm addicted to this one. 
8. Brooks Brothers' new line for girls--classic looks, nice price point, and the tennis stuff is adorable
9. Nate and Jack McKeon--playing doubles in the state tennis tournament tonight--it's kind of a fluke. (they are not very good) Trust me, they will be home by early tomorrow morning to help clean out the garage for Jack's graduation party-Works for everyone
10. Our beach--somehow, once all the snow and ice melted this spring, the McKeons ended up with bonafide beach right on Lake Michigan...it is a true miracle and we could not be more excited. We realize it is most likely temporary, but for now, we are loving it...thank you, global warming.

Have a great night, thanks for supporting Sarcoma research.