Yesterday, I dropped my ten year old daughter off at a birthday party. It was a very cute party at a knitting store where all of the girls were given a ball of yarn, some needles and knitting instructions. (I seriously hope Posey figures this knitting thing out, because if the Burberry Fit Club Challenge keeps up the way it's going, she may be knitting up some consolation prizes...). One of the Mom's asked if I could knit. I explained to her that I had tried it once, actually took a few knitting lessons, bought all the knitting paraphernalia and never managed to knit more than two rows of the hat I was assigned to make. I was basically a knitter quitter. She sympathized, noting her own knitting deficiencies and then said, "Well, maybe we can have a remedial knitting workshop to get better". I turned to her and replied:" I am getting older every single day, I have come to the realization, that with the four or five decades that I have left on this earth, I will never learn to knit, and really, I'm ok with that..." Though she was some what taken aback by my bluntness, I have recently come to the liberating conclusion that there are many, many human endeavors that I will never, ever do and I should just come clean about that and stop acting like I will ever do them. Don't you all have certain things that have been in the back of your mind for years that you wanted to do, (buy a Harley, join a steel drum band, run a marathon), things you think you should know how to do, (make your own bread, sew your own curtains, dig a well in Uganda), or things that you think that you may want to do (be an astronaut, break dance, be in a play), or that sound really cool to have done (climb Mt Everest, build a barn, catch a shop lifter) but you've never gotten around to them?
****Breaking News****: A woman from the Chase Bank Visa Fraud Division just called to tell me that someone was using my Visa number for skype transactions...to purchase about $500 worth of techie sort of stuff..(obviously they knew it wasn't me, because I don't know wtf skype really is, let alone how to use it, and I would never buy anything electronic...)Though the card is still in my possession, someone has the number, security code and everything else. This is not the first time someone has stolen my card and bought shit, and I must commend Chase for always notifying me. The good news is, they can get me a new card by tomorrow. The bad news is that they can get me a new card tomorrow. When Dave McKeon was informed of this situation he asked me to call the woman back and tell her to hold off on doing anything drastic as he would rather take his chances with the thief during the Holiday season than with me--HoHoHo, very funny.
Back to the blog--As I was saying, it struck me that I am currently at a point in my life where there are many things like the knitting that I will just never learn, know or do...Either they are impossible, illogical, illegal, or I've just lost interest...This is not to say that there aren't still tons of things that I will learn (like how to have a blog, how to lose ten pounds, how to put up a tailgating tent while rain is blasting in my face, how to sign a book deal...), but I am forced to recognize, that unlike in my twenties when everything, even really stupid things like running with the Bulls in Pamplona, seemed quite possible, there are now many, many things that I can safely say will just never f***ing happen.
Please understand, I'm totally fine with that. I'm pretty sure if it were something I was dying to do, I would have done it, or will eventually do it (write a book for money) but for some oddball reason, I just find it somewhat interesting to assess all of the possibilities that no longer remotely exist for me. Things that I know I will never, ever do. It's not like a bucket list, because I'm not planning on dying or anything, but more like a "no longer in contention list" I'm not even saying that these are things that I ever actually wanted to do, but now I just know that these are things that I will NEVER do...the ship has sailed on me ever:
- Knitting, sewing, crocheting, macraming, decoupaging, or any other crafty type shit
- Starting the snow blower
- Mowing my own lawn
- Being Miss America
- Being Miss USA--the one without the talent
- Driving a stick..used to kind of want to know how, now I have no interest as I fear it will make me eligible to be the one to drive the U-Haul every time one of my kids gets evicted or wants to move. (Yes, of course I know that this makes me a p*ssy....)
- Using the grill
- Qualifying for the Boston Marathon
- Being in the Olympics--even as a curler or archer (I seriously used to think, not really all that long ago, that I could possibly do one of these two things in the Olympics)
- Learning how to wall paper
- Learning how to dry wall
- Becoming a gourmet chef
- Balancing my check book
- Entering the checks I actually write
- Building a robot
- Building my own computer
- Hell, fixing my own computer
- Building much of anything, really
- Being a Fireman
- Being a doctor
- Being the President
- Being the First Lady--not that I wouldn't love it...
- Winning the Nobel Prize
- Winning a Tony--may still pull off an Emmy or Oscar, if my book is made into a movie...
- Hanging out with Babe Paley, Slim Keith and Truman Capote
- Eating at the 21 Club
- Being featured on Town and Country's Wedding Page
- Switching to Vonage
- Being a Vegan
- Being a Hippie
- Driving a Vespa
- Swimming the English Channel
- Naming a disease or syndrome
- Discovering a planet
- Reading the entire works of William Faulkner
- Understanding anything written by James Joyce--yeah, yeah, the Patron Saint of Irish Literature...
- Spending a semester abroad
- Renting an apartment with my BFFs for the semester
- Measuring my life by the semester
- Getting my first job
- Backpacking through Europe
- Backpacking anywhere
- Understanding String Theory
- Caring about String Theory --unless it actually involves clothes
- Being able to pick out any constellation other than the Big Dipper
- Reading a compass
- Calculating a variable interest rate
- Marrying Cary Grant
- Playing State League Tennis
- Winning a footrace against one of my sons
- Being a Notre Dame Cheerleader
- Opening a methadone clinic
- Learning to play the bagpipes--it would be so cool though...
- Learning to play the cello---not quite as cool, but ...
- Learning any musical instrument
- Learning another Language --I am already fluent in English and Profanity, that's plenty
- Learning to play bridge
- Learning to shoot craps
- Doing my own taxes
- Drivng a train
- Riding the subway in DC
- Riding the El in Chicago
- Waterskiing
- Skeet shooting
- Shooting anything
- Going to a Grateful Dead Concert
- Going to a Rolling Stones Concert
- Having my own line of linens--again, would be super cool...
- Having my own line of hair care products
- Getting busted for underaged drinking
- Joining the circus
Burberry Fit Club Challenge News:
My personal update: Pounds lost--A big, fat, f***ing zero!! I swear to God I am actually trying. I am working out, eating no big candy bars (ok, there was that bag of licorice, but seriously, I've always eaten bags of licorice), no donuts, even had some salads and NOTHING!! Shit, I can maintain this fat ass weight while stuffing myself with red velvet cupcakes. I'd better see some results soon...Brian Pond, I feel your pain...
In other Fit Club News: Judy and Louis are duking it out with their diet tips. Nice point/counterpoint. You two may want to get your own blog to continue your scientific analysis of protein...Don't mind the snippy tone, I'm just jealous because you are both losing weight....Angela continues to plug away, Sara Pond is down two, Casey has made some strong comments, Katie needs to turn over the list, Tina Lampe has lost weight, Frank has already dropped ten pounds, but may have put it back on in beverages consumed over the weekend, Maggie and Kristina are at the beach /on a cruise, and Emily is already super fit. I do have some sad news: Kevin Moyer has been disqualified from the Fit Club, because he is so ever loving skinny, that it would seriously be maternal neglect on my part to even allow him to even kid about losing weight. He seriously needs to join the FAT Club. (and if I don't lose any weight soon, I am right behind him) Don't worry, Kevin. I'll be sending you some nice parting gifts... Keep those comments and tips coming. Thanksgiving is fast approaching and we all will need some Fit Club support.
Today's Top Ten:
- Kevin Moyer--the first Fit Club Casualty
- Love Actually--a great movie, kind of has a holiday theme. Totally underrated
- Lou Malnati's pizza--maybe this is why I am not losing weight
- The Drummer Boy song duet with Bing Crosby and David Bowie--instant classic
- Jetsetter.com--a division of gilt.com, with awesome trips--looking to book St. Croix for Spring Break
- The Sports Illustrated article about having a college football Div. 1 playoff--man, that would be great
- Low Fat shrimp and vegetables from New China
- Shane Frazier from Kenosha Body Boot camp--he thinks he is my secret weapon, but even he couldn't get me to lose 10 pounds--I am fitter, I will give him that, but no less fat
- Tina Lampe--couldn't be nicer, laughs at my jokes
- My fraud protection friend from Chase Bank
Laurie...you didn't mention learning how to pole dance so I assume that one is still on the table....or...maybe you have mastered it!!
ReplyDeleteI'm here and ready to play. Miss Boot Camp, but not the hours. Judy, does dancing in a Pole Barn count??? Laurie...miss ya!!
ReplyDeleteHooray!! Cheryl Parise is in and in the interest of fair and full disclosure, I must tell all of you Fit Club competitors,she is a full fledged contender. Guts, heart, determination and stamina. I have seen her run sprints at 5:30 in the morning, in the dark, in the wet and lap the entire field. Take her lightly at your own risk. Don't say I didn't warn you. Not only will she give Judy a run for her money but frankly, I think she can kick Louis' ass. I am so glad she has staked her claim and is ready to take on the Burberry Fit Club Challenge. In regard to the pole dancing thing...that particular ship has not yet sailed...
ReplyDeleteOuch, calling me out; good. More added motivation is exactly what I needed. Someone's going for a run before his 9:30 class tomorrow morning, bring it. And I apologize for the protein debate (although the dislike is probably just bitterness, not really, but kind of).
ReplyDeleteAlso, Mrs. McKeon, I must encourage you to not yet give up your hopes on running with the bulls in Pamplona. I went this summer and there was a lady literally lugging her oxygen tank, on her back, with the full-fledged Spanish fleet of toros right on her back. If that grey-haired soul can do it at probably 100 years of age, I'm sure you can as well (getting busted for underage drinking, probably not though...)
Tip #9: Get Enough Sleep. Try to somehow manage at least 6 hours of sleep (regardless of a, no doubt, busy and hectic schedule). You lose weight more efficiently when on a good night's sleep, as you have more energy to workout and make good food decisions, and if you're not up late into the night, there's less of a risk of succumbing to late-night pizza orders or drive-thru runs.
Finally, I'm here!
ReplyDeleteDon't know how competitive Cheryl will be since she retired from bootcamp and still has Thursdays as "date night"! Are you going to prove us wrong Cheryl? :)
ReplyDeleteNo bitterness, Louis...just competitive and fun banter!
Diet tip: Drink green tea instead of coffee in the morning. It will help you burn fat and is healthier because it contains antioxidants.
So, due to the bet I lost, I'm down some weight. Not much. I was the only one in our family who picked Utah in the Kenosha News Football Pool - Jack and Brady are so loyal. Due to that, I had to run laps while Jed and boys followed in the car, taunting me. Down a pound. Thank you, Irish! The salads no dressing and coffee are killing me Jane! But I'll stick to it because a weekend of no kids, eating and drinking in NYC is about to wreak havoc on my thighs. Jed wants to get his fat ass into this club b/c he wants to lose weight too. He'd look good in the scarf, don't you think?
ReplyDeleteDown from 201 to 198... thats 13, despite the absurd amount of alcohol consumed this weekend...maybe thats the trick?
ReplyDeleteAhhh shucks Laurie....Thanks.You were my motivator. I tried to keep up with you and Judy!!Tip #9 is for you and me, Sleep, what is that??? Now that I hit the big 50, boy have stuff changed. But, I can say Louis, that I won my first 5K this summer, of course for my age group. Don't ask how many were in my group...don't know and don't care. I won...Yes, it's bragging rights. The run was for Pete's Sake. Great time and great cause. Anyone running the Turkey? Still reading Post comments from the past.....love it.
ReplyDeleteOuch Judy...Bring it on Baby!!! I'll never give up date night! Now...tell me again, what do I have to do???? Lose weight? Damn, that means I'm going to have to give up shots of Tequila and Mangia's.
Cheryl, I'll run the turkey with you! Yes, that means Tequila, Mangia's and 64's!!!
ReplyDelete21 Club is fantastic! I have fallen to the bottom. Picked up Carson at the oil change place and made sure I grabbed that custard filled long john as I was walking out the door. Hell it was free. Trying to drink more water and still thinking about exercising! Perhaps in the morning.
ReplyDeleteA big Fit Club hello to Amy Davidson.... Finally...with your four comments consider yourself officially caught up. Tell Jed to get in on the action. I know deep down he is competitive..what Domer isn't? And he can save himself some serious Christmas cash by winning rather than buying a Burberry scarf...for you... Frank, check your math...how many cocktails did you have this weekend? Louis, I couldn't agree more about the sleep thing, just trying to make it happen. Brian, forget the water and exercise. Trust me, it doesn't work...stick with the 21 Club and the long john...At least someone is having some fun. Cheryl, I knew you were a contender...even with the 64s, Mangia and Tequila. Keep the comments coming.
ReplyDeleteLaurie...do I get some Burberry points for a "finders" fee because I recruited Cheryl?
ReplyDeleteBite your tongue Judy, Date night and 64's I will NEVER give up. I'm starting my "New" weight lose plan 2day. Yes, protein shakes, veggies and fruit. Lots of water ( 64's are f'in near water) and exercise. I'm throwing all my DVD's in a bag and just grabbing one...sight unseen. Scary!!! Really??? Really!!! Laurie tip for you: PeaPod, they deliver groceries to your door...Really!!! Where is my Damn spell check on this thing. I will never b a writer, but I can sew...force feed by my mother. Judy and I are running the Turkey race...anyone else??? Top Ten number four is my fav.
ReplyDeleteYou can put me on the board - I lost two pounds. Not really sure how since working out is barely happening unless you count lugging around a gigantic 23 pound baby as a workout - which I do, of course. My diet mostly consists of coffee, bars (ie. Kashi, South Beach, Protein) and wine. So far so good!
ReplyDeleteJeannie...that's more weight then most people lift!! Well, it's more than I lift. Good for you, you young mama!!! Re: Wine is consider a fruit, (On my list)!
ReplyDeleteLaurie - top 10 mention... I am speechless. Never thought I would get there - certainly not this early in your blog... and, I haven't even baked or tempted you with anything, much less red velvet cupcakes. Once the book deal happens, then comes the network TV show or cable show, and your Top 10 is better than Oprah's. Keep it up. Now, not up on blog etiquette, so is it inappropriate to comment on a prior blog if you didn't get to it quick enough? I loved the McDonalds column when it ran in the Kenosha News and I loved reading it again. I, too, am hoping to keep my boys out of jail by having them in every sport and activity possible and also, I might add am completely embarassed to turn in the McDonalds receipts to school for fear someone might turn me into social services for child abuse for the number of times we pass through the McDonalds drive through.. although, I have gotten better as of late. Trying to turn over a new leaf - not quite Betty Crocker or Rachel Ray, but working on it. Now on to this post, I am with you on the crafty stuff, although I still get pangs whenever the kids ask me to sew something and wonder why I can't do it "when all the other moms can". I also can't drive a stick - the only time I think it will haunt us is if Sarge and I make it to Amazing Race... then he knows, so our team should be good. By the way, you're Miss America in my book. Diet Tip of the moment... Veggie Straws... Lightly salted and they have spinach particles, tomato, and potato, so they are almost a vegetable. Not a bad snack if you need a salt fix. My kids love them and they are a big hit at my office. Again, they're almost a vegetable. Still can't compete with Lays Cheddar and Sour cream potato chips or any potato chips for that matter, but that could be one of my many downfalls. Exercise Tip of the moment - Wii boxing... Great workout and there is no way my 9 and 7 year olds are going to beat me... they can go forever, and you end up dripping and the heart rate is up quite a bit. Weight loss update... down 2 more pounds for a total of 3. Not sure if I should give that update, though, since it is 2 days away from the second week and I could gain it back. Trying to bank a little extra for Thanksgiving and my mothers stuffing!
ReplyDeleteI would like to thank the AIr Force for forcing me to stay in shape. As much as I complain, you, Uncle Sam, are helping me win a burberry scarf. I went back to work yesterday after two weeks off... watch out Fit Club! I'm in it to win it and have an hour and a half lunch to go to the gym!
ReplyDeleteTip of the day: Potatoes. High in complex carbs, they fill you up long before you eat enough to actually pack on the pounds (unless you accidentally add butter or cream). They are full of vitamins and fiber. Perfect heading towards thanksgiving!
You go Angela...you have 25+ years to catch up to us that are 55+yrs. I hope you are still truckin with the fitness by then!! But...sorry to burst your bubble.. this 55+ competitor is on your young tail for the Scarf!!! You go girl..but watch your back!:)
ReplyDeleteForgot my tip of the day: Be good to your body and it will be good back to you!
ReplyDeleteThis tip is for ND students....dont take a tray and the dining hall! That will for sure keep you from over eating since you can't carry much!
ReplyDeleteand yes....the tailgate set me back this week!! thanks Laurie!
I have officially lost my first pound...and have now been candy free for three days. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. Interesting concept of awarding Burberry points for "referring a friend"...will take this under advisement. Angela, I hear on good authority that you are already way too skinny. Don't make me go Kevin Moyer on you. ps-was living on potato soup all last week (made with skim milk)and did not lose one single pound. Jeannie, can I borrow your baby to lift? congrats for getting on the board.
ReplyDeleteTip of the day: eat 6 small meals every 3 hours... Meal # One: 100 cheerios, one at a time. LOL Write every-thing down. I'm very visual, so seeing is believing. You will be surprised. Also, remember the rules of size. Your palm is the size of protein. Your fist is the size of your stomach. A dice is a tblsp. of fat. Veggies are unlimited and fruit stay al'natural. No juice, you might as well have a cocktail. Any work out is great....Park your car at Wal-Mart to shop at Sam's. Now if I could only follow my own rules. Ha Laurie...sugar fix, a jar of homemade raspberry jam. Do you need?
ReplyDeleteI weighed in tonight and have now lost 10 lbs. I have to say, I think Frank and I are just dominating, maybe there is some sense in his previous tip about drinking excessively, one has to wonder... Get at our level ;)
ReplyDeleteTip #10: Eat salads/fruits/veggies first for every meal. Make sure to get in those healthy, not fatty foods in before the other crap. Chances are you may even get full before the rest of the entree, avoiding some serious damage.
So what your saying is that you've lost 10lbs. in 11 days? You're either a liar, a puker, or you cut off an appendage!!
ReplyDeleteJpulera, those are some serious allegations. To begin with, today is the two week mark, so it's actually been 13/14 days, not 11. Secondly, I'm sorry I'm not sorry for my determination, diet, workouts, and results. Also, Frank's lost 13 lbs since this started, so 10 really isn't that out-of-this-world.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a mix of dedication, motivation, and perseverance... and probably youthful metabolisms and the fact that we're dudes (but again, can't do much about that either). Ergo, success!
Who is telling mean spirited lies like that? My sister, who is also my competitor? Yea, that doesn't sound suspicious. I refer back to my original post. I have gotten back to my pre-baby weight. That was not my goal. My goal is to tighten and tone a few areas by the time my husband gets home. From Afghanistan. :-)
ReplyDeleteLouis...On Nov.6th you declared that had entered the Burberry Challenge. I checked your comment posted on an old blog..Under Capt. Blackout. So that is 11 days ago. So you are telling the rest of us that and Frank have lost a pound or more a day? Ya, right....I still say you are either a liar, a puker or you cut off an appendage!! I'm sure you and Frank are looking quite buff and shredded! You are the new poster boys for the Burberry Fitness Challenge. It's all about you and Frank!
ReplyDeleteJpulera, that was indeed the first day I made my comment, but the original post was on November 4th, and I had weighed in that morning, so that's the start date/weight I'm going with (to be on equal starting ground with everyone else).
ReplyDeleteAnd yep, based on those wondrous mathematical calculations it would appear that we've lost, roughly, a pound a day since that start date; slap on an 'S' on my chest, hand me over a cape, and call me Superman... that's just that.
I mean, I'm not really sure, but is there a rule/guideline about being TOO successful, Mrs. McKeon? Because if there is than I definitely think we may be in acute violation... because right now all I'm encountering is a huge taste of success, just let me know ;)
You're the man, Louis!
ReplyDeleteDiet tip: Do whatever Louis is doing.
Jpulera, I am unsure whether your comments are sarcasm or legitimate enthusiasm. Either way though, I'll take them.
ReplyDeleteTip #11: Take a vitamin first thing in the morning. Pretty self explanatory, it'll make sure you're getting your dosage of essential vitamins and minerals that can often be forgotten in a restrictive diet.
I have to admit I've been a bit intimidated with all these great posts. They are as entertaining as Laurie's blog! I don't think mine will be as snarky...
ReplyDeleteI have not given up on the Burberry Fit Club Challenge, but have to be honest and say that I was one of the first to join but didn't get on a scale until November 10th. Since then I'm down only two pounds but very willing to continue.
Here's my diet tip for the week... There's a new flavor of Extra Gum - Chocolate Mint. Tastes just like the ice cream, but no calories. I am having a hard time not swallowing it and am on my third pack of it in the last two weeks. It really satisfies a "sweet tooth"!
kambro..you were the first one..I remember reading it. And it's okay to be a little snarky...it keeps us motivated!! You go girl!!
ReplyDeleteLouis...if keep on this great diet of yours...are you going to be emaciated by the time it ends on Dec. 24th?
Diet tip: Eliminate the junk and stock up on healthy fuel.
I'm curious Louis, what was your starting weight?
ReplyDeleteHey, all you Fit Clubbers, nicely done. I am very impressed by both the quality and the quantity of your comments. I am off to Ohio for a fun filled, pre-Holiday season weekend. Wish me luck, as I try to stay true to the Club. I am down 2!! pounds, nothing like old Louis, but for me, a nice start. All I have to say to Judy and Louis, don't make me cut that scarf in half...
ReplyDeleteKristi, I am going to find that gum. Katie, I need the list. ... Have a great weekend, I will post big and hard on Monday.
Laurie...missed you at bootcamp this morning. Have a great weekend in Ohio! Don't worry...you won't have to cut the scarf in half! Down 2 more pounds..total..4lbs.
ReplyDeleteKristi..I'm going to check that gum out, too.
Diet tip: Add psyllium husk to your protein shake, scrabbled eggs, cereal, yogurt, etc.
Have a great weekend in Ohio, Laurie! Okay, for those of us who can't drink coffee black, like Jane, and may have over the years developed a Starbucks habit, this is for you. This is both a diet tip and a budget tip. Coffee and coffee drinks for me are not really about the caffeine, although it doesn't hurt, but more about the comfort. There is something insanely comforting after a long day at work or prior to the hectic day even starting, to start or end your day with a mocha or even better, a peppermint mocha. I realized that when developing my Starbucks habit, that I could quickly pack on the pounds without even realizing it and put a dent in the family budget. Since then, I have slimmed the drinks down to skim milk, no whipped cream, and yes, even the sugar-free syrup - and, I still like them. I have also cut down to one a week and sometimes none. Put the money I would normally spend on that coffee drink daily in my little fund and use it for something nice for myself (hot stone massage, pedicure, facial, etc) or a nice dinner out with my hubby or even a shopping trip. A bonus for both. Makes me not miss the coffee "drink" as much and I settle for just regular coffee with creamer and equal at the office. Also, I have to say, even if I am lucky enough to be in scarf contention, I think the Catholic guilt in me would be to offer it up to Angela. She gets bonus points for every time she mentions Afghanistan.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't be against gaining some sympathy points for the mere fact that I am a child... just putting that out there.
ReplyDeleteTip #12: Zero-Calorie Foods, make them your friend. Iceberg Lettuce, Celery, etc... takes your body more energy to digest them than the amount they actually contain, great for snacking.
I am curious Louis, what was your starting weight?
ReplyDeleteHope everyone had a great weekend! Back to business now!
ReplyDeleteDiet tip: Definitely supplement with protein shakes(Muscle Milk, EAS, Bomber Blend, etc.).
Another fantastic post Laurie, I have to say. I'm giddy with laughter; I am honored to be graced with your words of wisdom and humor. You're simply too much. Keep it up, Sanchez- out.
ReplyDeleteStill here and kicking, so don't get too excited.
ReplyDeleteTip #13: Don't Fall for Diet Sodas. Yes, they have no calories, but at the end of the day it's still soda with its respective chemicals,etc. Stick to water.