PICTURE NUMBER TWO--GO AHEAD. MAKE MY DAY...

Ok, ok. Now that we've worked out some of the kinks, gotten a feel for the competition and all agree what a total blast this caption thing can be, I am ready to unveil photo number 2.  It's a good one and should inspire a caption or thousand.  I look forward to seeing what you've got…Go ahead, make my day! That's Lentertainment!

Admit it--this one's a beauty.  I'm laughing already.  Let's see just how many captions we can get, and more importantly, let's see how many hits we can get on this always Lentertaining blog.

  You have until 5pm on Tuesday to get your caption on.  Then, I will choose the TEN best and the voting will start Wednesday morning.  We will all get this rhythm down soon enough.

In the infamous words of Walt Whitman,   "O Caption, my Caption…."

UPDATES GALORE

The votes are in and the people have spoken.  Judy wins the vote portion in a landslide.  Dang, that girl has a real following.  AND she brought some new blood into the blog. I like it, I  like it.  Nicely played, Judy. Nicely played. Twenty BIG, big points to you. But don't go out and buy the matching Tory Burch pumps just yet. Despite some technical difficulties, Joanne rallied her posse and took second in the votes and got a whopping big TEN points  (LOVED the comments from young Gabi--"she makes my meals"). John had the third highest vote count, which is not surprising as John is always in the hunt.   FIVE very important points for John, which may prove to be crucial as the contest continues. Even better is that he and Judy have renewed their friendly rivalry.  Just keep it all above the belt, please.  Jessica, you were only a few votes short of getting those FIVE big points that went to John.  See what you can do to bring in that Eau Claire vote.  This blog needs total state dominance before it can go world wide.  So, while I haven't completed the chart yet (hey, it's Sunday during Lent--get off my back) The updated scoring is as follows: Joann is in the lead with 56 points and I really like this  newcomers chances, Judy is right on her heels with 53 points, and a proven strategy for success, and John has 37 points…which is pretty good.  However, if I can make John's chart advice work, he will be receiving some extra credit--Be forewarned,  ladies.

Remember, it's early, early days. Absolutely everyone still has a chance to win these fine, fine prizes, because: 1. it's a marathon, not a sprint  2. these contests always seem to take on a life of their own, AND  3. I usually change the rules mid stream to make it more fun for everyone.  Again--be forewarned on the possibilities of rule and scoring changes…I do it because I can…"Take the  shot"

Thanks to all who captioned and voted…and stayed tuned for tomorrow's picture. It's already making me laugh, and I haven't even posted it yet.  But you know what they say, That's Lentertainment.

I wish I could be more helpful with the log in stuff.  No one wants to see that geiger counter fly to 6 figures more than me.  (OK, just a quick aside--I know that hoping for 100,000 hits is a bit far fetched and beyond ambitious.  But, hey,  this is the season for miracles, so i continue to have the faith.  And these first few days of the contest have been pretty productive--I firmly believe that it's only going to get better) For those of you still struggling on how to post, here is the advice I am getting from McKeon Tech Support: 1. you need a google email account, which is pretty simple to do--if you all recall, Nate made up like 10 of them a few years back (do the names Balthazar Fleming and Larry Sanchez ring any bells?) 2. then you need to use your gmail account to sign into the blog. (for some reason I think this makes a difference) 3. Then, sign up as a follower on the blog--just go to www.youcantscaremeihavekids.blogspot.com.  and sign in, create a fake name--or use your real one, if you dare. 4. Once you are a follower, according to my Tech support, you can comment all you want. Helpful troubleshooting tip-IF your comment won't post, sign in again, with your gmail account and try again.  I hope this helps.  And I really appreciate all those who are trying to comment.  Your efforts have not gone unnoticed, and like I said, if you really cannot post a comment, I will consider extending the voting to the FB world.  Sorry, it's so complicated--but winning this contest is no easy feat. You all have to earn it.

Now, as we've addressed today's major issues--scoring and tech support--and we still have some blog real estate to  spare, I would like to update you all on a few loose threads.

1. Daisy cakes--(yes, cakes--I ordered two--a red velvet and a chocolate) Well, the long awaited Daisy "as seen on Shark Tank"  cakes have arrived, NOT on Fat Tuesday, as I had hoped, but on Thursday.  The good news is they came frozen, (in some sweet, sweet tins) so I defrosted them on Friday, drooled over them on Saturday, and stuffed them into my big yapper on Sunday. Yet, another aside, --OK, for all you Lenten purist, I know that Jesus went into the desert for 40 days, and 40 nights and didn't come home to eat and bathe on Sundays, but for all you Lenten loopholers--like my illustrious, hair splitting father--Sundays are NOT a part of Lent, so you can break your Lenten sacrifice on Sundays (My dad did not make this up: check this out: http://catholicism.about.com/b/2008/02/29/reader-question-should-we-fast-on-sundays.htm ).  Most years, I try to be consistent during Lent, but frankly, I REALLY wanted to try those Daisy cakes. (Ok, in the spirit of true , Lenten confession, I did sneak a piece of the red velvet on Saturday because I was afraid Posey was going to eat the whole thing before Sunday dawned).-And I have to admit, that red velvet was almost worth going to hell for--It's really good. BUT the Daisy cake red velvet is NOT as good as Kristi Ambro's red velvet cupcakes.  I would happily spend an eternity in Hell--(who are we kidding, there's a real high probability of that already--) if Hell had an endless supply of Kristi's cupcakes.  They are the best.  Maybe she should go on Shark Tank…Here is a picture of the chocolate cake--the red velvet is LONG gone…the chocolate is good, too, especially topped with some Haagen Dazs vanilla ice cream.  Hey, it's Sunday, and I'm just following the rules….And I have a sad feeling that the rest of this chocolate cake will be gone before midnight…

2. Chris' Valentine's Day message---Sorry that I did not update everyone on this important topic. My mind is a bit of a sieve, and most things seem to slip right through. While I don't know EXACTLY what young Christopher said to his lady friend, from what I can piece together, Chris actually did sign his Valentine flowers with this affectionate epistle provided by young Peter Thomas Chillen McKeon: "From your crazy, greasy, love boat, Chris".  Word on the street is that this girl has not yet dumped Chris, but I am pretty sure if he keeps taking advice from Pete, his relationship is doomed….

3. The Black Burberry cape for Posey--I kind of left you guys hanging on this one--from way, way back.  When we last discusses this cape, it was a pre-order, and I was afraid that it was some sort of Burberry illusion or figment of my Burberry dreams, but I am happy to report, the cape came and the cape conquered.  It is delightful. I am praying Posey does not grow for several years, as it would be nice to leverage this purchase over her entire high school career.  See cape below:

When I googled the black burberry girl's cape, because I was too lazy to go upstairs and take a picture of Posey's cape, I discovered that this cape was on Harper Beckham's wish list last fall. I'm not sure whether to be pleased or horrified.  And not to brag or anything, but Posey McKeon's childhood wardrobe makes Harper Beckham look like one of those Garner-Affleck girls….I'm not saying Violet Affleck is not cute, and I kind of give Ben and Jen some credit for keeping their kids grounded, but really? C'mon. You can do better than this ensemble, Jennifer. I saw your Oscar dress.  It was top drawer.  Get your kids some cuter clothes--you and Good Will Hunting Young Jack Ryan soon to be Batman can afford it. And get her some better glasses while you're at it.

4. Nate--Many, many of you have graciously asked about Nate's health.  And I didn't update my early fall posts about him because there wasn't too much to report, though he was getting progressively better.  I filled most people in with our Christmas letter, but for those of you who are wondering, Nate  saw the doctors at the Mayo Clinic over Thanksgiving, and the doctors at Froedert in early January.  The consensus is that Nate contracted some infection that triggered a reactive arthritis situation.  The hope was he would eventually get over it, but no one could say when.  Nate continued to take doses of methotrexate--a chemo drug--and steroids to keep his symptoms in check. Interestingly, Nate developed a nasty case of mono in mid January. Not only was this not awful news, as our boy was pretty excited to have a disease that was identifiable and really normal for a college kid, but it was actually very good news. Because of the mono infection, the doctors quickly took Nate off of the methotrexate, as they felt it was further compromising his already weak immune system. And wondrously, he felt just fine. (except for the mono, of course). And because Nate was doing so well without the methotrexate, the doctors starting weening him off the steroids as well.  And lo, ho, ho, dear readers, as of last week, for the first time in almost 8 moths,Nate McKeon is drug free--the way to be.  We are VERY excited, hopeful and thankful beyond belief!! Thanks for all of your prayers, and thanks for your support. Nate is back--and the shid is alright!

Today's Top Ten:

1. Nate McKeon--he's home for Spring Break. He's fit, he's happy and he can move his arms and legs. Nate wanted to go skiing but we pulled the plug on that real fast---No need to go looking for trouble.

2. Microfiber dish clothes--Ok, maybe all you guys already have these, but I have been very old school when it comes to kitchen linens. I found these micro fibers beauties, and they are changing my life, just a little bit.

3. Stan's Donuts and Coffee--A friend gave a dozen of Stan's to my kids this morning. They brought a few home for me.  One had caramelized bacon on the top. I ate it. It was delicious in a whole new way.

4. Gone Away Lake--This is a terrific kids' book that somehow slipped through the cracks in Posey McKeon's education.  I am making her read it--even though she should have done it three years ago.

5. The Field boots from J. Crew.  I got them in chocolate brown suede.  They are perfection--and they were on sale.

6. Resurrection--that new show on ABC. I just watched it, waiting for Revenge to come back and it's real, real good.

7. Van Morrison's version of Here Comes the Night.  It's been playing in my head for two days.  Not sure why, but I love it.

8. The Inga dress from Tory Burch--if it ever warms up, and if I ever get a tan, and if I ever lose those 10 ugly winter pounds, I'm wearing this. And I like the purse and shoes, too.

9. Patrick Reed--the 23 year old who won the Doral Golf Tournament today. He's a year older than Chris McKeon and held off the best field of golfers this year to win this tourney.  It was super fun to watch. And his brother-in-law carries his bag, because his old caddie--his wife--is pregnant with their first baby.  I'm a sucker for a good caddy story.

10.  All the voters who are willing to run the blog gauntlet to make Lentertainment happen. Again,
thank you.

PICTURE THIS…TOP TEN

Man, you guys are good.  Once again, it's the first day of a contest and I'm in too deep.  There are many, many captions and there is NO way I am going to be able to narrow it down to 3.  To quote Pope Francis: "No f'ng way!" (He didn't actually say that, but this papal f'bomb is going to last me a lifetime) I easily could pick 20 great captions... from Joann's entries alone.  Just a word to our vaunted competitors: Joann  has come to play. She's consistent, racks up quantity points with the best of them (and by that I mean John and Judy), and seems to have a savant-like recall for very appropriate quotes that make the judge(s) laugh. You had me at Beefy Weefy.  And though I have never seen the Walking Dead, you played those lines like a real pro.  Obviously, this is not your first rodeo.  And your use of the Deliverance quotes was masterful.  (Aside: I have never seen the movie Deliverance in its entirety-- it's just too scary, creepy, awful for me to watch the whole thing.  Dave McKeon knows if he wants to make me shutter, all he has to do is say "Squeal like a pig" in a southern accent and I am covering my ears and cringing.)   Nicely played. Be afraid, Dear Readers, be very afraid. But let's see if she can hold on for the long haul.

 John, Judy, Tricia, Stacy and Kim, welcome back. We know your stamina, your consistency and commitment. Good Luck. However, I am super impressed by the new comers: Linda, Jessica, Kim Westpal (who frankly could really kill in this contest) and Mr. Del Fava--welcome to the big time. It's only going to get better.  Jamarcus, if you are going to play the quantity game--and I have seen it work for you EVERY Easter---you better get out of bed before the crack of noon on game day and work the blog.  The J Triumvirate kicked your ass today--though you had a few good lines.  Good luck logging into the blog while you engage in Spring Break debauchery in Punta Cana (wherever that is).  That Tory Burch tote will not end up in the hands of the weak and uncommitted. This is a marathon, not a sprint.  And I for one, am excited to see how it all plays out…

Because there were so many great captions, I called in a consultant. We conferred, we discussed, we debated.  We laughed our asses off--and I'm not going  to lie, it was a real hard choice.  That's why this post is going up later than I expected. I should not be surprised, and yet, I am.  EVERY time I run one of these contests, I can't stick to my own rules, because of the vast quantities of great entries. ( I need Judge Wendy, from Nerdy Wordy  to keep me on track.  Instead, I have Nate)--so, after a late night deliberation, here are the TEN captions we like best (in the order in which they were posted) and rather than 20 points each, these clever captionist, (it's a word, look it up) will get 10 points apiece (because otherwise, some people will have like a million points come Easter Sunday, and well, that's a lot of points) These top 10 captions will move into the lightening round, where everyone and anyone can and should vote.  Again, I'm not sure how the whole voting thing will work--and I honestly don't care if people vote on the Facebook, with comments--just so I don't have to choose the actual top three.  It's just too much pressure.  Bottom line- try to get your friends, family, co-workers, random strangers to vote for their favorite captions. And try to get them to do it in the comment section if they can, but I will add up Facebook votes, as well, as long as they are attached to the original FB post of this entry.  People can vote early, often, repeatedly etc.  And like everything else about the blog, we'll see how it all shakes out.  "And now, the WICKEDLY talented…." (wasn't that John Travolta slip up the best?)

BEST 10 CAPTIONS FOR THE HILLBILLY PHOTO  ...in the order in which they were posted:

"I thought he'd be happy being a Daddy"   LHantke

"What's done is done, Nicholas"            Jamarcus

"He got a real pretty mouth, ain't he?"      Joann

"Granny, what did you do to Colonel Angus?"     Tricia

"Ellie May and Grandma were the first to arrive and enter the tomb. Jesus was still there but for an unknown reason he was dressed as a cowboy. Then it hit them.  On the way to the tomb, they saw a police officer, a construction worker, an indian, a biker and an Army man. That's Lentertainment!!!"       John

"Seriously?!? Another Dick Cheney hunting 'incident'?"        Jessica

"Worst first date ever."     Judy

"Who's 'King of All Sports' now, Putin?"                Joann

"No, no, no, Ellie Mae! I said, 'Show him your RUBIES.'"   Stacy

"Ok Granny, you can have his feet because yours seem to be missing."  Mr. Del Fava


You've read them, you love them, And no go out and get people to vote on them. Please.  

Here's the scoring thus far: If you find a discrepancy, take it up with the judges.

                        Quantity points                        Quality points                    Total
Joann                   26                                               20                                 46
Judy                     23                                               10                                 33
John                     22                                               10                                 32
Jamarcus                9                                               10                                 19
Tricia                      8                                               10                                 18
Linda                      4                                               10                                 14
Kim P                     2                                                                                      2
Kim W                    2                                                                                      2
Jessica                   2                                                10                                 12
Stacy                      1                                                10                                 11
Mr. DelFava             1                                                10                                 10
Michelle                   1                                                                                      1

"And Viacom has 400 points…which is pretty good" Honestly, we could have picked 30 captions.  There were so many good ones.  Excellent work done by all.  Now, we leave it in the hands of the voters.  So, those of you in contention, get out the vote.  Hey, and if you all have any brain storms on how to get massive voting on this thing--let me know.  I may award you Viacoms points….

And if anyone can figure out how to make columns in this blogging format, you can have Griffendor's  points too, because I have just spent an hour trying to line up these figures--on the template there is no feature for columns--that I can find, so I have to space them all out, and even when they look fine on my end, the minute I publish, they are whacked…It's driving me crazy….And, we all know my limitations with technology.  Seriously, if someone can figure out how I can just drop in points and have them not look like they were done by a dizzy preschooler, I'll ship you a Tory Burch bag tomorrow. 

I assume we will work all the techno kinks out soon enough, but for now, Enjoy these top ten and get out the vote.   And because I got this post up later than expected, we will extend voting through noon on Sunday.  Results will be posted Sunday night, and the new photo will go up on Monday.  And then the fun begins all over again.  That's Lentertainment. 

PICTURE THIS--ROUND ONE

Sorry, I've been gone all day, and my real life is getting in the way of the blog….stupid real life. So, I'm hustling to get this posted.


Here we go, here we go.  5pm on the dot--I am VERY excited about this photo caption contest.  Let the games begin.

The first photo is just made for captions--Give it your best shot.

And yes, John, cash is king, but that Tory Burch tote is totally queen.

GO!!

LENTEN CONTEST 2014--PICTURE THIS.

So, Lent starts today, and we all know what that means--Sure,  prayer, fasting and alms giving (or player, trapping and arms running--according to Jack McKeon ) But Lent also means it's time for the best, brightest, shiniest, most awesome blog contest EVER.  So, this year, as we all struggle with our Lenten sacrifices, (or not) there will be one daily bright spot in the glory of these forty days--this blog.  

But first, a little shout out to the best Pope ever.  I mean it.  He won't wear the Prada shoes (hey, I'll take those shoes), he doesn't live in the Papal lap of luxury, declines the popemobile, kisses the lepers, promotes real service over lip service AND in his Sunday Blessing last week, he dropped an F bomb. I swear to you, I have never been more proud to be a Catholic. (I'm not kidding--the church has gotten quite full of itself lately and our Francis is keeping it real--love, love, love it)  I know it was a mistake, I am pretty sure he didn't mean to swear, and most likely he just misspoke (but I kind of like to think that maybe now and again in private, when those pompous cardinals are getting on his nerves, he just lets it fly) For me, Pope Francis restores my faith in a church that has been way too focused on the letter rather than the spirit of the law.  I mean it when I say I feel much better about being a part of a religion headed by a guy who drops an F bomb every now and again. And thanks to the Pope's fine, fine example--Guess who's not giving up swearing for Lent this year? This f*@er.  ( I mean me…not the Pope)

http://rolandmartinreports.com/blog/2014/03/watch-pope-francis-accidentally-drops-f-bomb-in-vatican-sunday-blessing/ 


Little Aside: Has anyone else noticed that obviously it is the Year of the Francis. and that I am a little (lot) obsessed with a few Francis' these days? But really, who isn't? Pope Francis, Francis Underwood--both intriguing men of conviction and great power (I know, Francis Underwood's is fictional, but still) Sure, one's a murderer and one's the Pope, but the fact that I love them both, probably explains a whole lot about my twisted psyche. Also, one of the best people I ever knew was named Frances, Posey's middle name is Frances. And then of course, there is the Francis  from the comedy classic Stripes: (sorry about the homophobic reference--it's not mine) "Touch my stuff, I'll kill you" "Lighten up, Francis" RIP Harold Ramis. And, FYI--The cleaning lady on my floor at Notre Dame, back in the day was named Frances, too. Francis/Frances' all around!   

In the midst of my Francis obsession, I have managed to craft a new contest.  Lo, ho, ho Dear Readers, keep reading. I know, I know, I'm getting there. 

In the spirit of the Lenten Season, I will fully confess that I am shamelessly crafting this contest to drive massive amounts of traffic to the blog.  And if we all do our part, there is no reason that this blog can't have 100,000 hits by Easter Sunday.  It will be the Easter  Miracle for all of us, (or maybe just for me….but really, in the name of all things Francis, I could use one.) While I have an enormous soft spot for the original Lenten contest--The Holy and the Lowly---which I was sorely tempted to just redo, (for those of you who were not a part of our blog family back in the Holy and Lowly Days--follow this link:  http://youcantscaremeihavekids.blogspot.com/2011/03/back-with-vengeance-let-contest-begin.html ) I have a bit more pride than that--and if you recall, cheating was totally allowed and beyond rampant in the Holy and Lowly gig, which somehow never quite sat well with me. AND the scoring was a total nightmare. So, no repeat on that one.  

I also REALLY enjoyed the nerdy wordy contest.  (see it in all of it's glory AND get a chance to read --one more time-- my speech to graduates every where at: http://youcantscaremeihavekids.blogspot.com/2011/06/its-on.html ) Nerdy Wordy required a huge amount of skill (no real way to cheat, unless you stole limericks straight off the internet like a few of the contenders…not naming any names) and made me laugh all day long.  Seriously, go back and read some of the entries along the way. So, so funny.  Stacy Spracklin was a total master, if memory serves, with her one entry strategy that blew the judges away.   

So, with this new contest, my intent is to create a friendly challenge that requires some skill (but not too much), that is not super labor intensive (for me), that increases blog camaraderie ( for us all--I have sorely missed the lively banter between Judy, John, Brenna/Kim, Mrs. Sarge, Sue chi and all the others who would chatter daily on the old blog) AND that makes me laugh, during this Lenten season.  Remember that Gospel (it's one of the few that sticks with me--that and my favorite Bible verse--"Jesus wept") where Jesus told the hypocritical, garment rending, dirty faced pharisees to stop being so full of themselves during Lent? (you know you do…)  So this blog contest, and the rollicking good time that will be had by all involved, is my  little attempt to "not appear to men to be fasting"  In other words, let's put the ent(ertainment) back in Lent…

The year's Lenten contest is called Picture This…it's pretty simple. Every Thursday and Monday afternoon I will post a picture on the blog, (starting tomorrow).  It may be a photo (major potential for Big Head Nate pics just for you, Fatrick), a cartoon (just like the New Yorker), or any other random image that strikes my fancy.  And you,  Dear Readers, will provide a caption for the picture.  ON THE BLOG---NOT ON THE FACEBOOK-on the blog, please.  That's where the action, scoring and good times happen. On the blog, please.   (yes, yes, I totally stole this idea from the New Yorker, but that doesn't make it any less Lentertaining-copywrite pending...), it's just that easy…you provide captions…hopefully, funny, funny captions.  I provide prizes. You will have until 5:00pm on Friday (and Tuesday for the Monday posts) to post your captions. 

THEN, I will pick my favorite three captions, post them up and the world will be able to vote on which one they like best….I am PRAYING that people will get in the Lenten spirit of this whole thing and take the time to vote  (I tried this voting thing once before and it didn't go very well, so I'm not sure I can pull it off)--and am willing to take any advice from those of you who have any great ideas regarding getting the vote out, because it would sure be nice NOT to have to pick the winners myself. It would be even nicer to have a big bunch of voters hitting on the blog… There may be a way to incorporate the Facebook to get some real votes going but we will play it by ear for now.  Voting will stop Saturday at midnight. (Wednesday at midnight for the Monday posts) Sunday is our collective day off (Remember the Bob Giunti Rule--Sundays aren't part of Lent, so do your sinning on the Sabbath) And it starts all over again on Monday.  

Here is how the scoring works: Like Nerdy Wordy, there will be points for quantity (need those hits) and points for quality (quality always trumps quantity, just ask Stacy--it's a real smart strategy that won her a Tiffany necklace if I'm not mistaken) You will get a point for EVERY single caption you provide-as long as it is a legitimate caption-(no random cluster of words just to get the quantity points) and as long as it is on the BLOG-- BUT each caption has to be a separate comment and please try to log in and out of the blog as often as possible, so that the hits just keep on coming.  Quality points will be assigned as follows: The three favorite captions will each get 20 points. (unless the quantity points gets so skewed that we need to recalibrate)  After that, it's all up to the people.  The caption with the highest votes will get 20 points, (in addition to their quantity points) the caption with the second highest votes will get 10 points and the third place caption gets 5 points.  Does that make sense? And again, we will let this kind of play itself out…I reserve the right to tweak the system for the betterment of the contest. Be ready--photo number one will be posted tomorrow afternoon. The contest will conclude on Holy Saturday.

Now, for the prizes: In keeping with our "That's Lentertainment"(copywriter pending)  Theme, the winners will have the choice of three awesome prizes, based on almsgiving, fasting and prayer…kind of. 
Almsgiving=$100 Visa gift card--(pretty obvious) 
Fasting=A $50 Chipolte gift card plus choice items from Sugarfina
Prayer= The Tory Burch Mini Ella Canvas Tote (not to be confused with the Nylon Ella tote)--because frankly, I've been praying for one of these for quite some time.

The first place winner gets the first pick of these beauties, second place gets second pick, and so on.  Work hard, Dear Readers, and one of these gems can be yours come Easter Morning.  "Sweet Moustache!...Willikers! Harry watches kids breaking their nose cartilage on the window panes of broom stores. This IS heaven." Yes, This IS Heaven and this is Lentertainment! 

Be ready, Dear Readers. The fun begins tomorrow--look for the post. 

Today's Top Ten: 

1. Lentertainment! (copy write pending) 

2. Frederic Fekkai shampoo--it's a bit pricey, but worth it.  

3. Dunkin Donuts-I stuffed a bunch down my big yapper yesterday on Fat Tuesday. STILL waiting for the Daisy cakes--

4. Matthew McConaughey--He's smarter than he appears.  Nice speech. 

5. The Good Luck of Right Now--new book by the guy who wrote Silver Lining Playbook. Weird, but very good. 

6. Notre Dame Fighting Irish Women's Basketball Team--they are for real.  29-0 

7. France(i)s every where. 

8. Hand pulled mozzarella --great Lenten treat, when we can't eat meat.  (not much of a sacrifice) 

9. Pictures with witty captions--looking forward to a ton of them

10. Blog Contests--Here's to 100,000 hits.  

Pay attention--the first picture lands tomorrow.  You know you want that Chipolte gift card, Jamarcus. 

POST OLYMPICS--IN THE TANK

The Olympics are over, and my life feels a little empty.  However, once the hockey teams barfed all over themselves, (Really?? We lost to Finland 5-0??--I will give the woman's team some credit for at least making it to the final game, but allowing those two goals at the end? C'mon.  We're better than that) I must admit, even I kind of lost interest.  And we got smacked down by the Ruskies…Oh, well, bring on PyeongChang. At least the South Koreans won't bomb us in our sleep.   And kudos to Russia for making fun of the non opening ring. That was cool.  Of course, it's pretty easy to be magnanimous when you WIN the damn Olympics….in your own country….with your own judges…ok--obviously it stills stings a little for me.

Best take aways from the Olympics? Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski--but mostly Johnny--his clothes, his commentary, his whole awesome attitude. Way to make a statement in homophobic Russia without being hugely militant and political about it.  And Billie Jean King could never have pulled that off  pink jacket Johnny wore on Day Three. So, Here's Johnny (and Tara): Note his green jacket--I think he is an Irish Fan-AND he's ready for the Masters.

So, in my Olympics-less life, I have a bit of free time and this is what happens:

I start watching other TV shows…like Shark Tank, which I wholly and utterly love. (except for Mark Cuban who is SO f'ing full of himself…he had some big old rant about patent laws the other night that totally made me want to punch him in the throat--what an ego---and he gets super pissed if anyone has the nerve to challenge him….And, pay close attention if you watch the show--that cheap bastard NEVER gives anyone any money EVER unless it's a total sure thing for him--give me Barbara any day) So, on that cnbc (official channel of Dave McKeon) on Tuesday nights, they show the Shark Tank.  (hahaha--doesn't it sound like that last sentence was written by some one's Jewish or Italian grandma?? I wish I had a Jewish grandma. They seem so great--I digress)   Bottom line-- I watched Shark Tank on Tuesday, enjoyed it immensely, even though the first episode was a rerun.  (the ones where they do the whole flashback thing, showing what a big difference the Sharks made on the businesses they help--and it's true.  They do.)

On Tuesday's first episode, they had this very nice lady from the South who made cakes with her mom. The sharks were raving about the cakes, (seriously, they looked like some mighty fine cakes AND they come in a real nice tin) but were a bit leery about investing in her cake business because it seemed too regional, had no plan for more labor, etc…and after beating up poor Mrs. Daisy for a while, eventually Barbara cut a deal with her and the rest is history. You know where this is going, right?  Yes, not one, but two Daisy Cakes will be delivered to my door early next week.  (they would have been here sooner, but due to the high demand from other rubes like me who fell for the Shark Tank rerun, they are delayed a few days) I am praying it arrives on Fat Tuesday--that would be perfect.  I will keep you posted in regard to this cake.  According to the inter web, Daisy Cakes has had some issues with shipping (which will put me in serious Lenten jeopardy because I am eating this cake the MINUTE it arrives--) but everyone universally agrees that the cakes themselves are delicious.  We shall see. (question: Do you think I can write off the cost of these cakes as "research" for this blog gig?)

I wish I could say that this was the first (or even the second time) I have ordered or tried to order something as seen on Shark Tank. And I'm not going to lie--usually it's food--Here are a few samples:

-Wicked Good Cupcakes-(the cupcakes in a jar) Yes, I bought these and yes, they were good. https://www.wickedgoodcupcakes.com/shop-online.aspx#.UxCwov00Ng0

-Fat Ass Fudge--While I seriously considered it, just for the name alone  (who wouldn't LOVE a box delivered to their home with a label that says Fat Ass on it??), I did NOT actually pull the trigger--however, now that I'm looking at it again, I might have to reconsider--(it's been a long winter) -

-Bubba's Boneless Ribs Yes, I bought these too and I highly recommend them. Again, despite a few shipping glitches (unusually high demand because of the whole Shark Tank thing), these ribs were legit and I don't even like ribs. My boys loved them and No carb Dave approved---until he saw the VISA charge for them and was like: "Who is Bubba and why am I paying him?" I explained that Bubba was the genius whose boneless ribs he and his sons enjoyed a few weeks back.  He was not pleased: "If I knew those f'ing ribs cost that much, I would have put them in our safety deposit box. What were you thinking???"(most of my conversations with Dave McKeon end with the lines "What were you thinking? And often, it's a pretty legitimate question)  I tried to explain Bubba's patented de-boning process, (it took him, like 20 years to get that patent) how unique it was and the amazing fact that in just two microwaveable minutes, you will be enjoying a veritable, boneless rib feast royale. To which Dave McKeon replied: "Royale, my ass.  The kids can eat cheap ribs with the f'ing bones still in them. I don't care if they choke." Read about Bubba for yourself at:  http://www.cleveland.com/dining/index.ssf/2013/12/al_bubba_baker_gets_some_love.html
Here's my man Bubba: His ribs are really good…(and kind of expensive)

And now--Daisy Cakes.  (Too bad the Olympics didn't last a little longer…I am really packing on the pounds during this long winter of my discontent….Lent can't get here fast enough.)

It's not just the food that I fall for on the Shark Tank (however, to be honest, it is only the food that I buy). Many, many Shark Tank products catch my eye--That maternity hospital gown was a REALLY good idea (and the woman who made it was a FOOL not to hook up with Barbara to make it happen).

HUGE ASIDE: I have often said that hospital gowns need to be totally reconfigured. They don't fit at all, have the whole weird exposed back door thing going on and are impossible to tie or fasten without a third arm. EVERY time I go to the doctor, despite very clear and repeated instructions "to leave the opening in the back" I knowingly and willfully put the damn gown (really, "gown"???  that is a total misnomer) on backwards, with the opening in the front, like a bathrobe, because they are so big you can wrap the thing all around you and get full coverage.  I would much rather my doctor think I am a full fledged, deaf moron than have the opening in the back--(tho my doctor is getting wise to me.  Last time I was in, he made me switch it--so now I ask for two--one to wear as ordered, and one to wear like a robe--Hey, how about a little dignity here??) For some reason, none of the Sharks were interested in the fancy hospital gown, except for Barbara.  Quite possibly because men really don't care if they have full coverage.  Personally, if I had more time and knew how to sew, I would reinvent the hospital gown--with a heavy emphasis on the gown part.

Ok, back to the Tank--The scrubbing broom was not half bad, and with the unrelenting cold from this winter, I could really use that dryer invention that shoots the heat back into your house-- but while all these products are super tempting, it's the Daisy Cake(s) that I really want….soon…like tomorrow.  Upside to Daisy Cakes--they are way cheaper than the ribs AND the Christmas cakes I ordered from Neiman Marcus a few years back, (again, "What were you thinking??" Well, that I wanted an awesome cake that looked like a present--yes, that's what I was thinking. Aren't you glad you asked? ) so…I'm feeling really good about them-- a real win/win.

The non CNBC Shark Tank is on tonight--the one on ABC.  You know what I will be watching.  Kind of praying there is no food on this episode. My pants are getting really tight.

Today's Top Ten:

1. Brian "Breezy" Kiernan--The most eligible bachelor in the nation.  A witty, urbane gentleman who has been known to spring for Louboutins, just because...  Line up, ladies, he's the real deal.

2. Daisy Cakes--I hope they live up to the hype.

3. The Velvet by Graham and Spencer White Dress that I saw in Bazaar Magazine and cannot find on their website.  This is killing me and makes me want it all the more, though, if I cannot get rid of my rib and cake winter gut, I should probably just let this one go.

4. Still Life with Bread Crumbs by Anna Quindlen--I used to love her column WAY back in the day. Her fiction is pretty good, too. Nice book for middle-aged woman.  John Heinzman, skip this one.

5. The bacon from the deli counter at Festival Foods. I may have already said this, but it bears repeating. This is some mighty fine bacon.  (and still,…I wonder why I have a gut…)

6. Jack Rogers--now on sale on Gilt.  Summer will arrive eventually and now is the time to stock up on new JRs.  I love the orange suede and the navy.

7.These awesome Burberry boots. Kind of the opposite of Jack Rogers, but still very nice. They are now on sale on zappos.  Of course they are.  I bought mine last year, but have really gotten my money's worth this season. They are very warm, AND the boots look way better than this stupid picture of them. Go see them for real on Zappos.

Hahaha--this picture is cracking me up.

8. This Month's Vanity Fair. --The article on Wendy Murdoch is reason enough to get this hefty collectors addition.

9. House of Cards--I am obsessed, obsessed and utterly obsessed.  Despite the weird interlude with the driver, Season 2 did not disappoint. Claire Underwood: "What should we serve the Walker's for dinner?" Frank: "Cyanide" Claire: "That's for dessert".  Best dialogue ever.

10.  The YCSMIHK Lenten contest that will begin next week.  Get ready, Dear Readers, this will be a contest Royale.  (just couldn't let the Wizard People thing go---and I was so, so close)

OLYMPIC FEVER--PART 2

"Magical deeds are afoot, Dear Readers,  magical deeds"...(seriously, I will get past the Wizard People, Dear Readers references at some point. There are just so darn many of them...and they are great) "Harry made a mental note...I assure you, the mental notes are stacking up..."

After enjoying a fine, fine weekend at Notre Dame celebrating Junior Parents Weekend with young Jack and his pals, I am back, hitting the blog again.  Just a very quick aside about JPW in particular and the blog in general.  First, to all the ND students who made the weekend so terrific--Thank you.  And a big shout out to Nick Turner, Matt Kelly and their housemates for opening your lovely home for a true celebration of all that it means to be a Junior at Notre Dame.  Sweet Notre Dame table, by the by. I hope it will be bequeathed to Jack McKeon at the end of your Notre Dame careers.  And who knew Skinny Dave and young Jack could compete so mightily in the beer pong match of the century? Well done all the way around.  I tip my invisible hat to the Somich men.  Valiant effort.

Next, about the blog--I cannot tell you just how delighted I am that people actually read this blog.  I mean it. Every day I am stunned, surprised and amazed that anyone (even those related to me) read this stuff. However, because of some totally deep seeded psychological oddness on my part (It's me...it's not you), whenever anyone comes up to me and says: "Hey, I like the blog!" (which is a perfectly normal and actually very nice thing to say) I turn into a stumbling, inarticulate idiot.  I know.  I can feel it (and I'm sure you can feel it too,) it's so, so awkward...("This guy, this guy is an ape armed, aped legged awkward..."  Drunk history reference about Abe Lincoln, so at least I'm in good company) Seriously. I am rarely at a loss for words, but when people want to chat up the blog, I get all tongue tied and can't complete a coherent sentence. (Just ask that really nice girl named Mary at JPW--sorry, Mary, I'm a freak)

I've spent some time analyzing this and this may be why: 1. I think people expect me to say something funny or clever, when they meet me (which I'm sure is totally untrue--people are just trying to be nice, but I FEEL like it's true--told you I was mental) and it makes me panic, so I stutter out some unintelligible comments like :"Thanks" "My sons are shidiots" "And I'm sorry." all at the same time.  It's so stupid on  my part, but I can't help it. Let's all be perfectly clear here: I am way funnier on paper than I am in person. I'm not sure why, but it's totally true, so when you speak to me, in real life--I've got nothing--literally nothing to say.  (except the above 3 comments) 2. Most of you know way more about me--because of this free form, no filter blog-- than I will ever know about you, so I'm at a bit of a disadvantage--so again, I just kind of stutter, and think "Oh, shit, what did I say in that damn blog??" . 3. And finally--and this makes NO sense at all, but it's true--When people say: "Hey, read the blog" or whatever, it finally dawns on me that all the stupid, stupid shit I write is being read--by LIVE people.. real humans who may actually cross my path in REAL life.  And then I'm just embarrassed because I really probably should be, you know?

 So, if you don't mind, let's have the vast majority of blog related conversations take place in the blogosphere, (i.e. comment on the blog, please) where I am smart, witty and clever. If you do happen to see me in person (warning--I look way older than you would think, given my vocabulary and sophomoric taste in youtube clips AND I have a five head going on--five head= very large forehead, so just be forewarned--spoiler alert--soon and very soon, I will be blogging on whether or not I should get some bangs...) here's the deal: You don't have to say one, hot, thing about the blog, EVER but if you do bring it up, I will say "Thanks!" or "I'm sorry" and then we must totally move on to another topic,  hopefully about YOU, not me..

To make up for being such an inarticulate loser, here is another BIG head picture of Nate:

.

Now back to the stuff that really matters--USA dominance and the Sochi Winter Olympics. The Olympics, with all their glory and majesty, are in full swing and many, many great moments have happened since I last posted.  Sure, those Ice Dancers got a gold, (it was pretty awesome), but here are a few pieces of Olympic magic that caught my eye :

1. Bob Costas is back.  And he appears to have two functioning eyes. (Darn it...I was kind of hoping for an ongoing cyclops thing, just to give me something to focus on). Welcome back, Bob. http://hollywoodlife.com/2014/02/17/bob-costas-pink-eye-returns-nbc-olympic-coverage/  Syanora, Matt. And shave, next time. please.

2. Two man luge--this is an event for the ages.  I'm still baffled about how the luge even became an actual Olympic event, (looked it up on the interweb, but really found no good explanation...) but then to add two dudes to the luge?? That's crazy. This looks so much like something that would take place in my backyard after a long night at the Wooden Nickel that I can hardly stand it. Who thought this up? and what's next?   Having the cylcers in the summer Olympics ride a partner on the handle bars? It's super ugly, but I kind of love it.

3. Team Luge--How did this event slip under the radar??? Seriously, team luge relay should have gotten WAY more play. Did you see it? It's a total riot.  I swear, I'm the only one who watched it so people think I am making this event up, but it is for real: Here's how it works--the best female luger takes off from this gate that opens up, then she shoots down the track and hits this flap that hangs down at the finish line, this then triggers that gate to reopen and the best guy luger takes off, zips down, hits the pad again and then the men's double luge dudes takes off and once they cross the finish line, it's done. I'm not explaining it well, so here is more info from the always popular Entertainment Weekly. Yes, Team Luge Relay  is so goddamn entertaining that it's covered by Entertainment Weekly:
http://popwatch.ew.com/2014/02/13/olympics-luge-team-relay/

4. Women's Skeleton winner--Ok, Nicole Pikus-Pace is the true Olympic sensation. (Please, NBC, stop trying to make it be all about those figure skaters...I know Gracie Gold is really cute and has an awesome last name, but Nicole is the real deal) Hooray for her for bringing home our first medal in skeleton (whatever the hell that really is) AND having two kids, a husband, a normal attitude. and that very sweet commercial. I kind of love her.

5. Sports we made up 10 years ago that we no longer dominate.    Until this year, the US has won more snowboarding medals than any other nation. But I fear we are losing our hipster edge.  In the 2002, 2006 and the 2010 Olympics, the US won 10 of 12 possible medals in the men's half pipe.  This year we won ZERO! (aced out by the Japanese?? really??) However, good old American ingenuity to the rescue (see below)

6. New Sports the USA invented, aced into the Olympics and then ruled:--Let's face it. We will NEVER win a nordic anything (And as a nation slightly rabid about the second Amendment, we should be way better at the biathlon....), we totally suck at speed skating this year (nice job, Under Armor and Lockheed Martin with your stupid, fancy suits--see below) and we've lost our edge in the half pipe--(sad to see you go, Flying Tomato) so thank God for all the baggy pants slackers who keep inventing new Winter Olympic sports,  Because we are KILLING it in these new school events. Eleven of the 23 US Olympic medals have come in free style skiing and snowboarding, so thank you, Jeff Spicolli, the unacknowledged and unheralded godfather of all of these free styling youngsters (except David Wise) who are making things happen in Sochi.

7. Russian Hockey Team.  I actually kind of feel sorry for the Russian Hockey Team.  They were bounced out of competition today and you just know that Putin is PISSED! First, Russia had that weird goal called back on Saturday against the US because of a net issue and then, they lose to Finland! Russia really doesn't give a crap about all those figure skating medals--(and their best figure skating dude (who is a Patrick Doyle doppelganger) pulled out with a bad back--pussy) They were all about the hockey gold and now, they are out of the hockey competition and crying in their borscht. Here is a little quote from the Russian Olympic Hockey coach when asked if he was going to stay to see the rest of the Olympics:

"Well, I want to stay" he said "but that is probably a question to be answered by somebody else"  Yeah, like the KGB sniper squad...

8. Two Wardrobe Malfunctions:  Oh, I so love this.  The US had Under Armour and Lockheed Martin make these special Mach 39 fancy, high tech skating suits, touted as "the fastest speed skating suits in the world" but the US skaters never tested these suits in competition because we were sure some one was going to steal the super secret NASA speed skating suit technology.  Well, zero medals later, we've ditched the suits and....we still suck.  In other news, a Russian speed skater who actually won a bronze medal almost stripped off her non NASA suit forgetting that she had nothing on underneath it.  Yikes!

9. My boy Jeremy Abbott--super nice of him to get that nasty fall during his long program out of the way early. I knew it was going to happen, I just wasn't sure when, so I really appreciate Jeremy wiping out on his VERY first jump.  BOOM goes the dynamite indeed. This is my Christmas. Really it is.

10. Olympic Carpet baggers-As the mother of the future Ecuadorean Curling Team, I have NO problem with people bogarting their way into the Olympics.  For the most part, they are not taking any medals away from legitimate contenders (except for that speed skating guy from South Korea who changed his name to Vicktor and won two medals for Russia) and are just hoping for the Olympic experience. ( BTW, Canada has the most fake "citizens" competing for them--surprising to me) but poor Gary and Angelica Di Silvestri, who live in New York and are US and Italian citizens respectively. The Di Silvestris were allowed to compete for Dominica based on some sort of philanthropic gesture they made in Dominica, and are Dominicas first ever Olympic athletes.  Well, it was all downhill for Gary and Ang, as neither was able to actually compete in Sochi...Gary got some stomach bug (probably drank the water) and skied only 300 meters before he collapsed and Angelica couldn't even start the cross country skiing, as she fell during practice and broke her nose.  Dang, talk about some carpet bagging karma. Sorry.  I couldn't find a picture of them post broken nose and stomach bug. but here's all I've got!

Once again, no top ten tonight because there are already ten things listed in this post.  I've done my job. Now, it's up to you.

"Everyone who does not suck begins to clap each other on the back and smile" (final Dear Readers reference...for today...)

The End