IN DEFENSE OF THE TIGER MOM

I was at a very fun party last weekend, and I ran into my old editor from the Kenosha News. (Stop right there. If you didn't know me, and read that sentence, wouldn't it sound kind of impressive? I know, I'm impressed, too) Believe it or not, we had never actually met, but we had seen each other's photos in the News (he looks a lot taller in his picture--no offense) He was quite complimentary of my columns (and yet, I got the boot after my three year engagement ran out...) and mentioned one that I had kind of forgotten about. The Bad Kid column. This was always one of my favorites, because I swear I am on a one woman mission to "manner up" the younger generation (yes, somewhat ironic coming from a middle aged woman who swears like a sailor, but other than my foul language, and I am working on it, my manners are pretty Emily Posterific) and make their parents understand the heavy lifting involved in not raising a generation of boors.

In light of the recent controversy surrounding the Chinese mother Amy Chua who wrote the book The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, I feel the need to trot out this article and then provide some commentary to defend Ms. Chua. Here is the article, written almost four years ago now, but the sentiment still rings true:

My family really enjoys going out to dinner, but lately I’m finding it unbearable.  Not because my teenage boys eat like longshoreman, and not because feeding a family of eight at any place without a drive thru can cost more than my first car, it’s just that every time we go out to eat, it’s bratty kid night.  And not at my table. 

 By and large, our kids have been fine out in public.  They’ve eaten in some pretty fancy places (especially when a grandparent is picking up the tab), they’ve flown across the country, they’ve attended plays and concerts, and we’ve taken them to Mass since they were born. (no cry room)  Even when a waitress once dumped hot syrup on one of the boys (hey, free breakfast), no one peeped.  I’m not saying that our kids are perfect by any means, and they certainly are not any more naturally well behaved than any other children, but we always made it crystal clear that we had zero tolerance for poor behavior.  We’ve always been hyper concerned that our little circus not bother other diners, fliers, shoppers, worshippers, whatever. Manners, courtesy, politeness, and consideration for those around you are a BIG deal in our house.  I still say to my brood (ages 7-17), “Maybe families with two kids can act like that, but families with six kids—no way.  They’ll call Children’s Services.”

 I have to admit I’m tired of having my meal, flight, movie, or event spoiled by some kid who is just out of control.  Way too many parents have no idea how ill mannered their children are. I’m not kidding.  Last week, as we were seated at a mid scale family restaurant, chaos was all around us. On my right were three children who just kept doing laps around their table, periodically stopping to throw themselves at their mother and whine for food. The table behind us had two kids, maybe four and five years old, who did sprints up and down the banquet bench, pounding on the glass divider between our two tables, and pressing their ketchup stained faces against the glass.  It was kind of funny at first, (for about a minute) then it just became annoying.  I kept motioning for junior and his little brother to sit down and turn around, I even gave them “the eye”, a never fail discipline trick in our house, but they never flinched.  

Sad to say, these children were not orphans. They were there with several full blown adults, who presumably were their parents. However, none of these adults made any real attempt to rein these monsters in.  Instead, they did what so many parents do now. They give that look that conveys, “Oh, I know this behavior is kind of irritating, but I don’t really want to stop my conversation to actually discipline this child, and frankly, isn’t my kid just so cute?” 

Well, I’m here to tell you, because some one has to—No, your kid is not cute.  Of course YOU think he’s cute, you’re his parent, that’s just nature’s way of ensuring that you don’t kill him when he’s a teenager, but no one else thinks he’s cute. They may say so, or may even act amused, but what they are really thinking is “please go home, please go home, please go home.” A poorly behaved child does nothing to endear himself to anyone.  And here’s a news flash, as the parent, it’s your job to teach your kid to behave.  Sorry, that’s part of the parenting program.  It’s in the handbook, look it up.

And here’s an even bigger news flash, your kids can actually behave.  Trust me, they can do it.  It is not too much to expect a four year old to sit in a chair in a restaurant long enough to eat a meal.  And it is absolutely reasonable to make your five year old sit through Mass without a coloring book, a cold beverage and a bag of cheerios. Your kids can make it through a movie, a concert, an airline flight and a doctor’s appointment, without throwing a fit, without making a fuss, without spoiling the experience for you, them and all the unsuspecting people you will come in contact with.  You just have to make them.  And keep making them, and keep making them.  Don’t make excuses, (She’s tired, she’s hungry, she’s upset, she’s coming down with something…I’ve heard them all), don’t make exceptions (just this once, as long as you drink your milk, because you have a friend over, …..)  You are the adult, and you get to make the rules.  Don’t be afraid to say “No” and don’t be afraid to actually follow through. Your kids will be happier, you will be happier, and if you are sitting anywhere near me in a restaurant, I will be way happier.  Because here is the deal, and I’m telling it to you straight, if you can’t control your seven year old, God help you when she’s seventeen. 

 I haven't read this article in a long time, but I still clearly remember those God forsaken kids in the Cheesecake Factory and their over indulgent parents who couldn't be bothered to keep them in line. And that, my friends, is the circle back point with me and the Tiger Mom..and why I want to defend her here in my blog.

 I will fully confess, I have not read the Tiger Mom's entire book, and who really has to now that she has been interviewed by the Wall Street Journal  twice, been in People Magazine, every other weekly publication and has a reoccurring spot on every morning talk show,? but the gist of her book is that you can get your children to achieve --academically, behaviorally,--  by setting out clear, high, ambitious expectations for your children and then not accepting less. Guess what? It works. It really does. It's not easy, and that's why all the American moms hate the book, because we are all looking for the easy, but staying on your offspring, holding them to goals and expectations that you know they can achieve if they put some true effort into it, is a VERY admirable thing to do. (For an even better defense of Amy Chua, read the rebuttal by her oldest daughter Sophia in the Wall Street journal, who gives a great perspective on the whole thing)

Yeah, yeah, I read the excerpt from the book about her forcing her kid to sit at that piano and play that song over and over again, and I wouldn't do that with my kids, but the reason I wouldn't is because they have no piano aptitude. (i.e.it would be something that they could not achieve even with the absolute maximum effort,-you should hear Posey just butchering her violin--it's painful) But I have done the same sorts of things with behavior, or with grades. I am not going to lie to you. And I'd do it again tomorrow.

Everyone of my kids knows the McKeon Spelling Rule: You are not allowed to get anything less than 100 on a spelling test BECAUSE THEY GIVE YOU THE ANSWERS.  You get the list of words on Monday, they give you the test on Friday. And unless the teacher is going to pop some surprise words on you, you've got FOUR FULL DAYS to memorize them. This is not too much to ask. (of any student, really) and I would be slighting  my kids if I expected anything less. I, like Mrs. Chua,  expect my kids to get straight As, because I know with enough work and some focus they can do that. I will cut them some slack in AP Chem (ok, an A-, but I'm not happy about it or for Jack an A- in AP Econ, but they feel my displeasure, because unless they are going in every day and asking for help, or studying around the clock, I 'm not going to believe their "I tried my hardest" b.s.) Our college kids have been told in no uncertain terms, that we will continue to fund their educations as long as they have a 3.5 average or above. Notre Dame is super expensive. We are willing to make that investment, but only if the kids do their part. I think for our two kids at ND right now, (business and Arts and Letters majors) a 3.5 is more than reasonable. When Jack is there next year and facing Organic Chemistry and Physics, we may adjust the scale for him, but seriously, I don't want to sell him short. And that my friends, is the point that Amy Chua is making: Don't sell your kids short. They can accomplish amazing things, but you, the grown ups in their lives (unlike the slackers at the Cheese cake Factory) may have to force, cajole, haggle, and possibly threaten greatness out of them. And you do it, because you love them, because you know they are worth it, because you know that they can do it, and though you know it may be difficult, you are willing to do the difficult, willing to show displeasure at a 98 on the spelling test, because you are selling them short if you don't.

Likewise, with behavior, and by this I mean being respectful to adults, kind to other children, polite in conversation, putting others first, etc. my standards are ridiculously high and I will not back down.  Please understand something. My kids were not born naturally gifted or naturally well behaved. It is all learned behaviour. To me, Chris McKeon was probably one of the worst behaved toddlers known to man. Seriously, ask anybody at our old Country Club in Ohio. I swear, people would cringe the minute we walked in the gate. It was his inborn nature to be a crying, surly, miserable, high maintenance kid. You've all seen them, well I had one. Chris was so bad that my mom once threatened to ban him from our annual Michigan Family vacation because he was so irritating. However, I was never going to put up with it, and would not allow him to be one of those obnoxious kids whose parents deemed "sensitive", which every teacher knows is a code word for "behavioral nightmare".  It took me close to two years to get him in line, but I was relentless with him, because I totally knew I was doing him no favors allowing his natural surliness to reign.  There were days when he would be back in his room for a time out three times before 8:30 am. I can remember saying to his little three year old face as I was dumping him back on his bed for the 11th time in one day: "I am bigger than you, smarter than you, stronger than you, have all the money and can drive a car. You are never going to win this battle. We will do this my way, all day long, every day until you get it." Eventually, right around his fourth birthday, he got it.  And for those of you who know Chris McKeon, I certainly didn't break his unique little spirit along the way...However, I did hold him accountable for his behavior and would not let him off the hook, because I knew, that somewhere in that squalling, miserable three year old, was a bright, energetic, pleasant boy just waiting to get out. It just took a while....

Trust me, our kids are no where near perfect, and I have to stay on top of them plenty. Constant reinforcement is key, but the incidents get further apart. When we moved here from Ohio, Chris was in the sixth grade. (It's always Chris, the other kids all learned off of his envelope pushing personality) We had been here for about six months, just enough time for him to get comfortable and feel the need to mark his spot on the playground. One day at recess, Chris and three other boys were making stupid comments about a teacher and showing off in a very common, but very ignorant way for a group of girls in their class. I heard about it, and showed him no mercy. I abhor disrespectful behavior. At that point in time, Chris was the leading scorer on his sixth grade basketball team, and they were heading into tournament season. Oh, and in a total fluke, never to happen again, Dave McKeon was his coach. (Really, my cousin Mark was his coach, but they were desperate for a body and Dave signed the paper to coach these kids) So, in response to Chris' behavior, I pulled him off the team. For good. Not just for a game, not just for a week, but turn in your uniform Done!!. God Bless him, Dave backed me up, but the other parents were horrified, and even the principal called me in his office and thought I was being too harsh. I told him my line that I've used more than once since then: "I am not trying to raise a great athlete. I am trying to raise a great man, and I don't care if Chris ever sees the inside of a gym again, but he will be a gentleman, he will be polite, he will understand the behavior I expect." The other three boys on his team  were not punished by their parents at all, and finished out the season.  One of the boys said to Chris: "Man, your mom is such a Nazi, I feel really sorry for you." When Chris relayed this sentiment to me, I said to him, and still mean this today: "You know what, Chris. I know that I am harsh, and I know I expect a lot from you, but I feel really sorry for those other boys. They don't have a single adult who loves them enough to get them to understand just how important it is for you to learn to respect others, treat them kindly and think before you speak. That's what this is all about. I know you can be great, I expect you to be great, and expecting anything less than greatness out of you is a sin on both of our parts." I repeated this exact same punishment with Jack in the 8th grade, with football, when he mouthed off to a teacher. Again, while the coaches and parents were appalled, Jack knew exactly what he had done, learned his lesson and moved on.

We are all in this parent gig together. Everyone is muddling through the best they can. Just get off Amy Chua's back, because her intentions are spot on, and who are we kidding, her results seem pretty good. And she's a professor at Yale Law School, she can't be a total moron. Maybe I am just a tad defensive because I have a little Tiger Mom in me. And unlike my kids spelling tests, I certainly don't have all the answers, but I know that it is a big mistake to underestimate your kids aptitude for greatness. Don't set the bar too low, don't make yours, and likewise, your kids expectations too easy. Childhood goes really fast, and while we all want our kids' childhoods to be filled with unicorns and rainbows, remember, childhood is the training ground for adulthood. And you my fellow parents, are responsible for imparting those lessons, establishing those behaviors, and forcing those high standards that you want your kids to take with them as they walk into the world of the grown ups. Trust me, they're not going to just wake up one day and start getting good grades, being super citizens, building wells in Uganda, helping old ladies across the street and filling out applications to grad school.  It's all learned behavior based on your expectations and your willingness to stick with those expectations even when it gets tough. That's your job. Teach them, show them, force them toward greatness. Everyone of us, including Amy Chua, knows our kids can be great. Don't let them down, don't sell them short by letting them off too easy. Man up and be mom.

With that little diatribe out of my system, on a much lighter note, here are:

Today's Top Ten

1. All moms, especially the bad asses
2. Snow days--it's official, tomorrow is already a snow day
3. Chris McKeon,--for always being the example (ok, mostly bad example...)
4. My new wide suede chocolate brown belt with the black leather accents and round silver belt buckle from the 45 Parallel in Michigan. It is beyond awesome and I am not making this up when I say that I waited almost two years for this bad boy to go on sale. It's worth it.
5. My UPS man who just climbed through a huge snow drift to deliver my cashmere sweaters from PURE
6. "Les Miserables"--the musical. Annie saw it last night in London and was raving. Dave McKeon and I saw it on Broadway when we were first married and after a few minutes, culture hound Dave turns to me and says: "Are they seriously going to sing this whole fucking thing? There are no words? And why are they wearing those rags? What sort of fucking play did you drag me to?" Ahh yes, even after twenty three years of marriage, some things never change
7. Jimmer Fredette--starting point guard on BYU's basketball team. He is amazing, amazing, amazing
8. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies--official snack food of the snow day
9. Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls--she wrote that book about Glass Castles about her crazy family and their dumpster diving ways, which kind of creeped me out, but this book is really great.
10. Steve Lund and the Kenosha News for publishing my ravings.

Have a great day, stay warm, stay safe and stay off the roads as the blizzard of the century arrives.