HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY...YOU'RE WELCOME

Roses are red, jewelry's better
Your wife would be pleased with a nice cashmere sweater.
or get her a purse and a real special belt
some candy, a meal and something heartfelt
The pressure is on, yes, it's Valentine's Day
You'd better come through or trust me, you'll pay
This blog is your friend and your Valentine guide
Just take my advie and you will save your hide.


Okay, fellas, the clock is ticking and it is now T minus 4. Valentine's Day (or Amatuer Night, as Dave McKeon likes to call it) is less than one week away. You'd better get moving. Don't let this opportunity to bank some good will with the missus slip by. Hit this holiday out of the park and you can skate on its rose scented pink fumes well into the middle of golf season. I am going to give you the total inside scoop on Valentine's Day and tell you EXACTLY how to impress the SH*T out of your wife/girlfriend/significant other/crush/whatever. Once again, and I shouldn't even have to say this any more, but....You're welcome.

First, let's be perfectly clear here: Valentine's Day is a total chick holiday. You know I'm right. It just is.  I don't think there is one man in America still harboring a grudge over the vaccuum cleaner  he got for Valentine's Day back in 2004, but as you read this, at least 85% of American women can tell you a very long and detailed story, complete with photos, journal entries and hand gestures, about the year they got stiffed on Valentine's Day...Let's all accept this fact and move on. If you are the one man in America who is expecting a great Valentine's Day gift and whose feelings will be hurt if you don't get it, just stop reading now. As we all know, the only thing guys want on Valentine's Day is a wife/girlfriend who is not pissed off. A super great Valentines Day for him would also include a six pack of Spotted Cow beer and the high probability of getting lucky. Well, gentlemen, you can buy your own beer, but I am seriously going to help improve your chances in the getting lucky department....You're welcome....

First and Foremost--You Must Buy a Gift---I'm sorry but there is no getting around this one. Trust me get a gift.  It doesn't have to be a super expensive gift or even a traditional gift. But the ladies love to unwrap stuff and they will hold it against you if you do not come home on Valentine's Day with something in a wrapped up box. (though they won't admit it...outloud... "No, this card is fine...I guess..") Do not doubt me on this one. If you do not come through with a gift on the front end, you will pay way more on the back end to make up for your transgression. And the last minute hand off of a bag from the Hall Mark store with three generic cards in it (a nice one, a funny one and one from the kids) is not going to fly. ..Let me enlighten you with a little real world example: One year, my very good friend Dianne Amalifitano's husband Michael forgot to get her a gift for some holiday (it may  have been Christmas, but that's not really the point here). He is a doctor and a very busy man, and he just kind of ran  out of time...it can happen...I guess... In a thoughtless moment, he handed Dianne two packs of Dentyne Ice gum and told her that he would get her something for real once he had the time. Now, Dianne actually really liked Dentyne Ice,  BUT NOT AS A GIFT... Needless to say, when Dr. Amalfitano got around to purchasing his actual gift, he had no real choice other than to buy Mrs. Amalfitano a mink coat....from New York.  It truly was/is one of the most beautiful coats I have ever seen, but had Dr. Amalfitano just come through with a gift on the right day, he probably could have saved himself five figures....and a ton of grief...Do not be Mike Amalfitano--bring home the gift...wrapped... .Also, the nicer it's wrapped, the better. Take some time here. Get on your laptop, get in your car, send your kid to the mall, do something, but get a gift...or you are already sunk.

OK, now you are asking..."But, Laurie, I don't know what to buy my wife. She hates all the stuff I get her. Left to my own devices, I will be sadly drinking my six pack alone...." Do not worry, I have got you covered. Sad for Dave McKeon, but very lucky for you, I am the ultimate consumer. I know every great buy, trend and item that will turn your wives head (aside: for ease of writing, I am using the term wife, all of these tips will work just fine with your girlfriend, partner, fiancee, or significant other.) and I am going to hook you up right now, by category, by vendor, and often with great advice to customize these gift ideas in such a way that your wife will think that you actually put some thought into it....again...y.w. Here we go:

Jewelry:  This is a VERY wise option for Valentine's Day for many, many reasons: easy to buy, no fit issues, sends a great message, easy to wrap, easy to hide and looks like you tried kind of hard....So, here are some very legit jewelry selections that will greatly enhance your chances of making your wife happy. If you want to pull out the big guns, if it is a big year for you two or you have some making up to do, bite the  bullet and go to Cartier. Seriously. Now, Cartier is expensive, but some of their charms are really, really perfect and are so unique that no one else will have one and you can pick out just the thing for your wife (there are a ton of them, you can see them on line, but you'd better get cracking, because you are going to have to get the Chicago or New York stores to ship them to you and you only have a few days--one of these will probably set you back a grand, just for the silver ones, but are worth it, if you want to spend that kind of dough) Also, a huge favorite that just screams VALENTINE'S DAY is the Cartier LOVE series. You can buy the bracelet, ring or necklace from this very distinct signature Cartier line, which was designed purportedly for people in love. (Warning: LOVE doesn't come cheap) The series started with the bracelet, which is the best piece because you have to put it on with a screw driver and cannot be taken off, unless you unscrew it, thus symbolizing your eternal bonded love for each other.---While the bracelet wreaks havoc in airport security, (it sets off the buzzer every time, and you can't take it off, so you have to be wanded....), it is a total hit with women. You play this card, gentlemen, and you are forever in .. Dave McKeon anted up for this bauble ages ago, and has bought himself a lifetime of golf Saturdays...He followed up with the ring, because he is a very wise man....

Other super fine jewelry options that won't set you back as much but have just as much impact are those that come in a little blue box...Tiffany has an awesome selection of reasonably priced necklaces and bracelets that all women would love to own: the classic bead bracelet (about $200) , the bead earrings, (she will wear the gold ones every single day) the key necklaces (there is a sweet pink one that is very festive), the heart lock charm (which is only a hundred bucks--though is smaller in real life than it looks on line), even the heart locket key ring (which opens like an locket and gives you the opportunity to look like a total champ if you've already put a picture of the two of you or of your totally adorable kids in it BEFORE she opens it---so think ahead before you get it wrapped ) is a great choice. That key ring will set you back about $225, but coupled with a great card stating something like "everytime you pull out your keys, you will think of me and my undying love...." it will be worth every single penny. Go to Tiffany.com and make your selection. You can still get it delivered by Valentine's Day and I am not lying when I say there is big power in the blue box...use that power....My top Tiffany choices this year are earrings, because I think women like nice earrings and you know that they will fit. Go with the twist mini hoop earrings in silver ($225), the Petal drop earrings or the Elsa Peretti pearls by the yard in pink. (around $300, depending on the length of the earring) All excellent choices. Most anything in the Elsa Peretti line is good, just be careful not to buy the stuff that every  16 year old girl is wearing (mostly the heart shaped "Return to Tiffany" stuff), unless you are a 16 year old boy....

Finally, you can get great jewelry lots of places. The Hermes enamel bracelets are about $500 and worth every single penny, getting a red, white (my favorite) or pink one of these little gems is a total jackpot score. These bracelets are unique, classic and an understated symbol of someone with impeccable taste. The Hermes Store in Chicago can send you one in plenty of time for you to impress the pants off of your wife....Seebecks in Kenosha has many, many fine necklaces and bracelets. If your wife likes those Pandora charms, Seebecks has a million of them and that is a super easy one stop deal. Just go get that pink charm and you are done. You look smart because you know she has the bracelet and Vicky Seebeck will wrap it up perfectly. Done and done. ....Also, EJ Mirage in Lake Forest on the sqare has some very nice pieces of jewelry that are well within a tight budget. If you beg them, you may be able to get something monogrammed quickly--which again, looks like you put WEEKS (rather than hours) of thought into your gift. Their silver rings, especially the rectangular one is begging to be monogrammed with both of your initials, again symbolizing your eternal connection. I know I probably do not have to remind you fellows, but if you are going to monogram something with both of your initials, it goes like this: her initial, the initial of your last name (bigger) than your initial . ex  L M D is the proper way to monogram Laurie and Dave McKeon's undying love. Monogram up something for your wife and you will not regret it. EJ Mirages rings will set you back less than $50 bucks.  But they are actually very nice. But if you plan to monogram your gift, jump on it now. It does take a few days. Now, I am warning you: DO NOT fall for those commercials on TV and go with those heart pieces from those big jewelry chains. Your wife DOES NOT want that heart necklace designed by Dr. Quinn Medicine Women--Trust me. Do  not buy it...For just a little bit more money, you can get her something awesome from Seebecks or Tiffany's. She's worth it...

Flowers: Jewelry is certainly not the only gift to get a woman. And some women (not me, Dave McKeon) have all the jewelry they need. There are plenty of other options. Some women love flowers. And flowers can send many messages. However, there is a VERY important rule to know with flowers---SEND THEM TO HER OFFICE!!  or for you college guys, SEND THEM TO HER DORM!! The whole beauty of a woman getting flowers is to rub her co-workers face in the fact that she has an amour and they do not. Sad, but absolutely true. And while most woman do actually like flowers, they LOVE flowers that publicly declare to every other woman at their office just how cherished they are. Do not minimize the impact that these flowers will have. If you are a very smart man, you will buy a gift AND send flowers to the work place. Please, use your flowers to reflect the thoughtful, sensitive man you are. Any douche can and will send a dozen red roses, and while they are fine,  if you are going to go with flowers, class it up a bit. Send a beautiful orchid, send some perfect pink tulips (my personal favorite)  or better yet, have Rose from Flowers By Joseph --my personal favorite florist--make up an arrangement for you that will stun the woman in your life. However, whatever you do make sure you say these magic words: "No carnations, no mums" EVER.  I don't care if you are sending flowers to your great aunt for her laminectomy. Never send carnations or mums. They scream "cheap, lazy bastard picked these up at the Piggly Wiggly". Send gladiolas, send irises, send lilies, better yet, tell your florist to make up a large arrangement of all pink flowers (no mums, no carnations) of various types and it will be a show stopper. Even a pretty pot of violets, or a big bouquest of pink snap dragons can turn your sweethearts head.

When it comes to flowers, Dave McKeon's credo of "Go big or Stay home", does seem to apply. If you are going to go with the flower thing, stand out from the crowd and make them unique. You can get some pretty nice flowers on line. Just please, do not send flowers with a bear, balloon or any other gimmick. Beautiful flowers don't need accessories attached. And remember, (and this part is critical) send a well crafted message on your enclosure card, something personal, meaningful and heartfelt. If the 80s genius Modern English classic song "I'll Stop the World and Melt with You" was the backdrop for your first date, put that on the card, pal. If she loves the movie "Say Anything" (which is a mighty fine movie) put something like this on the card: "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen...." She'll get it and she will love you for it...Truly, the card can make all the difference. We all know that the flowers are going to die, but if you play this flower thing right, your wife will press one of those flower buds into your fattest book and hold on to your enclosure card for years to come.  That's the kind of statement you want to make with these flowers. If you can't do that, find a different gift.

Clothing: Clothes are always a lady favorite, but honestly, clothes can be one big minefield, unless you regularly buy your wife clothes and they regularly fit her. My advice with clothes...stick to upper body clothing, blouses, sweaters, scarves, even coats. There is a lot of room for error once you get below the waist. Again, unless you have done this one before MANY times, Valentine's Day is NOT the day to surprise your wife with those Citizens of Humanity Jeans she mentioned. If you get them too big, she'll think you think she's a fat ass and be pissed. If you get them too small, she will feel like a fat ass and be pissed. Either way....YOU LOSE. Here are some great ideas in the clothing arena--The red Burberry quilted jacket is always a hit (Nordstrom about $400), (red for Valentine's Day--get it??), especially if your wife likes quality, but is also a bit practical. (the black and taupe are also total classics) , any sort of red /pink cashmere sweater (look at J.Crew or my new favorite PURE Cashmere.) or red leather gloves are cool. If your wife hates red, and many women do, black, camel, gray and taupe are always safe. You all saw what a big hit the Burberry scarf was in the Fit Club Challenge, so hitting that accessory line again is a very safe bet. the pink Burberry scarf is kind of cute too, but if your wife is over 40, she may not like it--A smoking hot red dress will make you a star, but you REALLY have to know your wife. Brian Joyce, husband of the millenium, bought my friend Nancy an incredible fire engine red floor length dress one year to wear to a black tie dance and it was amazing, but that's Brian...He's a professional...I'm not sure how many regular joes (and dave's) could pull that one off. Also, Nancy is a super easy fit, no bulges, no sags, etc...If I were you, stick to the sweaters, coats and scarves.

Accessories: For some women, the best way to their heart is shoes and handbags. Again, great choice because no one ever returned a purse for being too tight. The best purse bang for your buck right now is the Kate Spade black patent leather purse with the red inserts on sale now at Nordstrom ($345). It's a great bag and has that little touch of Valentine Red...But if your wife likes Coach or Longchamp, there are many great choices there too that won't kill your budget. (The Long Champ big tote bags are awesome, and come in many colors--these are all the rage on college campuses) If you have the cash, and your wife is a purse savant pop for something from Hermes, (their red leather Elan bag is amazing, but it also 7 grand) Gucci, Celine or Louis Vuitton. Get the classic ones though, some of the wilder ones are way too faddy and for that kind of money, you want it to last for thirty years. I actually  have a small red Gucci purse that is probably twenty five years old. It is still as cool today as it was when I got it. That is the kind of bag you want to deliver this Valentines Day...

The perfect Valentine shoes are Christian Louboutins. Why? Because they have the signature red soles...They are super expensive ($400-$1,000) a pair, but sometimes you can get them way cheaper on net-a-porter.com. It's worth a shot. Also, Kate Spade has some super cute spring shoes out that any woman would love. Again, kind of like the hot dress, you'd best know your wife pretty well to make this work. However, I will never forget when Lizzie Joyce (daughter of the infamous Nancy and Brian Joyce) told me about how this guy she was dating found these great shoes that he knew she would love and bought them for her as a surprise. I told her to marry him immediately, because a straight man who can buy you shoes comes along once in a lifetime...they are now blissfully shoefully wedded...and I swear to you that shoe story still makes me tear up a little. If your wife is a shoe fan, and really, what woman isn't, go to zappos.com and they will totally hook you up. It's the easiest shoe buying you will ever do. You know this Valentine's Day you want to be the man who makes all the other wives in book club jealous because you got the shoe thing just right....

Also, another great gift for many women is sunglasses. Really. Many ladies want some great sunglasses, but they don't want to spend the money it takes. You can be the champ who gets these glasses for her...Old school Ray Ban aviators are really in, look great on just about everyone and cost under $200 ($189 at Nordstrom). Burberry has great sunglasses, (look for the aviator style at Eyeglasses123.com--I love these) Tom Ford also makes some very cool sunglasses too and he, too, has some really classic looks. Sunglasses are a great gift for the wife who isn't super sentimental, appreciates great details, and spends a lot of time at the pool in the summer.

Now, don't over look lingerie. (ok, maybe I am stating the obvious) Many women pretend that they don't like fancy lingerie, but many kind of do. Even if your wife doesn't want to don it every night, trust me, she will be flattered to think that you want her to wear it, and flattered that you think she can pull it off. Just don't buy the super sleazy stuff. It sends kind of the wrong message. And if your wife is over forty, buy judiciously. You make the call on that one, though, because if you need me to tell you what lingerie to buy your wife, just spring for the locket key chain from Tiffany's and everyone will be much happier.

Romantic Get Aways: The couples' escape weekend is a great Valentine's Day gift. Why? because you get to go too. And Why else? Because every one knows the Hotel Rule....and if you don't know the  hotel rule, call me, Tina Burke, Nancy Joyce, or Carol Sperry and one of us will fill you in...Surprise your wife with a great get away, and you will reap many rewards--I hear Vegas is a great, quick get away (never been--kind of scares me), but a night at the Peninsula, the Four Seasons, the Ritz or the Elysian in Chicago is pretty f'ing great. Also, an overnight at the American Club at Kohler is worth every penny. Kohler is only a ninety minute drive but if done right, it feels like a real vacation. Go really early in the morning, stay in the Carriage House because they give you great food three times a day and you can hang out at the spa for hours (their steam room is the best). Then head out to the clubhouse at Whisting Straits for a romantic lunch or early dinner. The tables by the window have a great view all year round. The Immigrant Room restaraunt in the big hotel is very fine and will not disappoint.

If you are doing the romantic get away and I highly recommend it, there are a few things that you, the gift giver, must execute or the gesture is feeble. First, make all the necessary reservations. Don't leave it to chance. This includes dinner, spa treatments, facials, massages or whatever else your wife will want. Next, and most important, get the babysitter and lock her in. Get all the details set up, get your in-laws, your neighbor, your grandma or whoever to promise to take your kids,so your wife doesn't have to handle that part. Getting an overnight sitter is a huge hassle and you are detracting from your awesome gift if that part is not taken care of. If you can pull off the Valentine's Day surprise, and get all your ducks in a row to sweep your wife out of town on actual Valentine's Day, you are a hero. But  that sort of grand gesture isn't really necessary and while most women think they like surprise get aways, they really don't. Oh, they like the get away, but they don't really like the surprise. Even the world's best husband cannot pack the right accessories for his wife. You  just know he will  forget the attachment to the blow dryer and he doesn't know what moisturizer you really use. So, schedule your weekend vacation (or go mid week--it feels like playing hooky) for a few weeks from now, get all the info, make all the plans and then wrap up a clue, the brochure, the reservation printed off the internet or whatever in a box (remember, she likes to unwrap things) and get some serious mileage out of your gift for weeks to come. Nicely played...

Electronics: Unless you know for absolute sure that your special someone wants a new phone, ipad, wii game or 50 inch tv, don't lean this way. YOU may want an X Box Kinect or NBA jam and think that the latest ipod nano touch is super cool, but your wife/girlfriend probably does not. Similarly, do not get your wife some sort of appliance, sports equipment or gps gadget. Sure, she may tell you that she'd like a new vaccuum cleaner, may some day take up golf or could use a stock pot from William Sonoma but please, do not be the shidiot who gets her one of these things for VALENTINE'S DAY. You will NOT get lucky purchasing anything of this ilk. You will get iced. ***big exception--unless you are my sister Wendy who is dying for a new Oreck and would probably  perform many exciting tricks if one showed up--even unwrapped--on Feb. 14th...pay attention, Tim Nickels, this is info that you need to know..

Dinner: Every dude makes a reservation and takes his lady out to dinner on Valentine's Day. This is not a bad thing, but unless it's in the kitchen at Charlie Trotters, it's pretty pedestrian and will not count as your actual gift. Don't get me wrong, dinner is a safe bet, totally expected and probably kind of required, but spruce it up a little. Put in some extra effort and try to make it count. Don't follow the crowd. Pick some place that is new, different and a bit of an effort. Go into the city, go up to Bacchus in Milwaukee or Gabriels in Lake Forest or Everest or Le Nomade in Chicago. (if you haven't made a reservation, you are probably screwed, but it's worth a try...) Better yet, take her out to a special breakfast. Leave the office and meet her some where fun for lunch. Or if you are game, make her a special dinner on Valentine's Day. However, if you choose to cook at home (unless you are a mighty fine cook, carry in at least part of it) make sure you are in charge of clean up so your Valentine does not have to do the heavy lifting.

The Big Gesture/The Quirky Gift: The last and final category of Valentine's gift is the very specific, very meaningful gesture--that special gift or moment that only your one true love will understand. You can play this one a lot of ways and to be very honest, pulling this one off can be the ultimate score...AND can save you tons of Benjamins. But you have to get it just right, or you will look like a total cheap ass. Allow me to explain...Let's say that you and the missus went to the movies for your first date and bonded over a big box of Mike and Ike's and a tub of popcorn . Recreate that date: Go to a movie that you know she will like, or is similar to your first date movie, spring for the popcorn and dig into the Mike and Ikes. Let her know how special that first date was and not only will she be super impressed that you remembered, but she will enjoy the movie and the treats. Jazz this up with a small gift or token like a CD you made of all the songs from your first year together, or all the songs she loves and you kind of hate (Joni Mitchell, the Indigo Girls, Beyonce's "If I were a Boy" ) and you will be the luckiest man in town. (at a very reasonable price tag) Likewise, give her something that requires knowledge and effort on your part that she will appreciate for weeks to come. Example: sneak her Ipod, load it up with new and better songs, wrap it up (remember, she has to open something) have her open it, and use the new songs as the soundtrack for the special dinner you made, or for the car ride to the cool restaurant you are going. OR another Example: give her 10 coupons for something that she really wants done but you really do not want to do:  like you to put gas in her car without complaining, you to give her a legit massage that lasts more than two minutes, you to be the one to get up with the baby in the middle of the night or you to be the one to make the kiddies breakfast and let her sleep in...the possibilities are endless, and if you pull out the right one, you will be the Valentine's Day superstar. I am not generally a fan of the "homemade" or "certificate" gift, (I really want those Burberry sunglasses) but I would never turn down a month of fill ups (it's cold outside) or five weekend pass from Saturday basketball. Be creative, be bold and go for the big gesture. Any fool with a credit card can get the peep toe Louboutins, (and that's totally cool) but it takes a special sort of man to promise to fold the laundry every week for a month. (sign me up for that one...)

Final word of advice--just remember, Valentine's Day is all about showing the one you love just how special she is. Pick, plan and make the day a special one for her. The bottom line is, your special someone wants to know that you love her, that you get her, that you are willing to put in that extra effort for her and that she is your Valentine. No matter what you give, no matter where you go, no matter what you do, if you do it with a kind heart, a spirit of true generosity and with unconditional, no strings attached love, trust me, you will be a very lucky man.

Well, time is ticking, I hope this helps. Admit it...I've given you some awesome advice...There is no excuse for messing up this Valentine's Day. ..go out there and  make me proud...your welcome.

Although I have already clued you in to a ton of great a potential gifts and cool product, I am still coming through with TODAY'S TOP TEN:

1. Vosges chocolates--I ate an entire box in one day--they are amazing . You can get them on line and in some very fine chocolate shops. --another potential Valentine's Day gift--you can get an assortment right now from gilt.com
2. The New Parks and Recreation--I laughed my ass off at Ron Swanson and his corn rows
3. Megan Mullaly--forgot how funny she is.
4. The plaid shirt/coat for men from LLBean's signature line that I bought for Jack--it's VERY cool
5. My DKNY glasses--they are that sort of nerdy cool. I kind of love them
6. The Green Bay Packers--Super Bowl Champs, and played a heck of a game.
7. Swamplandia!--this is a new book that is super quirky but hard to put down.
8. Dentyne Ice--just kidding--Dianne Amalfitano and her primo fur coat
9. Judy Pulera who  celebrated her birthday a few days ago
10. Valentine's Day--it's not just for amatuers any more. 

Just a warning--my spell check didn't work...go figure...sorry