the Holiday P**** List--the gift that keeps on giving

Here we go...My stats are going crazy, the comments are through the roof. Over 9000 hits and 193 comments on my last post??!! Well, Merry Christmas to me..I love democracy, I love this country, I love this Burberry Fit Club Challenge.

Judy and Louis have got their PACs together, pulled in some lobbyists and are getting major votes on the tote board. Again, we've got ourselves a race that is just too close to call. Remember, those of you in the Challenge cannot vote for yourselves, but you can vote for anyone else. Also, only one vote per comment....I'm talking to you Jamarcus. It doesn't do me and my numbers any good, if you can double vote in one hit. Sorry. Finally, the following people are allowed to vote via their parents: Joey Parise, Jake and Henry Fitzpatrick. We trust their moms to do what's right. If anyone else needs voting dispensation or special consideration, please let me, the Burberry Fit Club Commissioner, know.

Finally, I have got to hand it to Brendan Fitzpatrick and Paul Pulera...Best. Husbands. Ever....(ok, tied with you to FF Pond...but husband Pulera votes like a man possessed.. and Brendan voted from a war zone. Talk about going above and beyond. Very impressive gentlemen, and nice to know the blog has made it's way to the middle east. Shalom to my people....Hope all of our servicemen and women stay save.

OK, there are less than 10 days until we crown a Fit Club winner and award the coveted scarf.  Keep up the good work, keep losing the weight, and keep driving the populace to the blog. New Rule: International votes count double...(this means you too, Maggie Nickels)

Now, on to today's topic...You've all spent the week boosting my stats, posting your comments, and keeping me amused. I meant to post this blog sooner, but my real life sort of got in the way. I know you've all been waiting for this one and I apologize for the delay, so here we go..., you've earned it,.. The Holiday P*$$y list. I hope it will not disappoint...Merry Christmas, my fine, fine friends...

THE HOLIDAY P*SSY LIST,  You know you are a Holiday P*ssy if:

• You wear a Santa hat in your Christmas card picture. "Look at this p*$$y wearing a Santa hat. I wonder what that poor bastard did to deserve that"
• You wear a Santa hat to the office. "He thinks that Santa hat makes him a hipster...it doesn't. It makes him a p*$$y."
• You wear a Santa hat to a cocktail party
• You ever wear a f*cking Santa Hat...
• You drink egg nog--"I'm not drinking this pussy sh*t. I don't care how much alcohol is in it. It looks like vomit."
• You eat fruit cake "Fruit cake?? Tastes like sh*t, and the name just screams p*ssy"
• You serve either of the above...
• You think it's a bad idea to give your kid's teacher a case of Heineken or a bottle of Jameson  for Christmas. "What?? Trust me...Teachers don't want those p*$$y mugs...If I were a teacher I'd love this gift.  Teacher's pet, all the way."
• You actually want to go to your kids' Christmas concert. "Are we divorced? Am I a p*$$y? No and no. Of course I don't want to go to the Christmas concert."
• You get pissed at the parents who are laughing during the concert. "Tell that p*ssy to turn around and stop glaring. It's not my fault these kids can't sing."
• You need the assistance of mistletoe.
• You spend your Christmas bonus before you get the check. "Bad news, p*$$y, it's a crap economy and you're getting a ham instead of a bonus.  oooops"
• You can't put a bike together with a butter knife
• You can't put a doll house together
• You can't put a pop a shot and a train set together 
• You can't put all of the above together in less than 8 hours, between 10pm Christmas Eve and 5am Christmas morning. "Bring it on, p*$$ies, I am Santa F*cking Claus"
• You forget to buy batteries.
• You believe in gift wrapping. "No, I can't help with the wrapping, because I am not a p*$$y. Just throw the toys into a green garbage bag and put a bow on it. Done and done."
• You help with the Christmas cards. "No, I can't help with the Christmas cards, because I am not a p*$$y. I don't even know any of these people and  the ones I know, I don't like."
• You wear a Christmas sweater...  "That dude in the snow flake sweater can't even look me in the eye, because he knows that I know that he is a p*$$y"
• You wear a sweater that matches your wife, kids and/or pet..."Never going to happen because I am not a p*$$y."
• You put holiday clothes on your dog. "That dog in the Santa hat can't even look me in the eye, because he knows that I know that he's a p*$$y"
• You put your lights up early when it is above freezing. "Only the p*$$ies get out there early, It's just not Christmas unless you are putting you lights up when it's snowing and the windchill is minus 10"
• You miss one second of ANY football game (even Cincinnati vs. Buffalo) to put up Christmas decorations.
• You miss a single Bowl game, even the Maaco Las Vegas Bowl
• You over decorate. "Stop putting all this Christmas sh*t up. You know some p*$$y is going to have to take it all down, and that is not going to be me..."
• You put last year's lights away all tangled up.."Which p*$$y put away these lights?"
• Your Christmas tree has a "theme".
• You give a Christmas gift to your UPS man.
• You eat turkey instead of prime rib on Christmas Day. "Turkey is for p*$$ies. Santa and Jesus would both eat beef on Christmas. " 
• Your Christmas list includes anything that can't be bought at the electronics, liquor or sporting goods store. "No offense, but please, this year, no p*$$y gifts from Neiman Marcus. Just get me some golf balls or a bottle of tequila."
• You take a day off of work to go Christmas shopping.
• You spend more than twenty minutes shopping for Christmas gifts.
• You actually shop in a store. "I'm not waiting in line like some p*$$y. All my Christmas gifts will be bought on line...between 9 and 9:20pm. Done and done."
• You are a guy and you wear UGGs "I hope you didn't pay money for those boots, because those are the biggest p*$$y boots, Ever."
• You wouldn't like to get or give a box of Omaha Steaks this Christmas
• You look forward to the company Christmas party
• You don't know how to ski
• You don't know how to ice skate
• You don't love the Black Hawks
• You wear mittens
• You wear a neck warmer "Nothing says 'I'm a p*$$y' more than a neck warmer"
• You go Christmas Carolling
• You stiff the Salvation Army bell ringer
• You don't own a car scraper
• You don't know how to refill your wiper fluid. "Jack, it's that blue stuff in the jug, you p*$$y
• You can't start the snow blower "Pete, you big p*$$y, you better figure out how to get that driveway cleared off before I get home"
• You don't shovel the whole walk, but just a path to your door...
• You don't throw salt on your shovel job. "The UPS man is going to sue my ass because one of your p*$$y sons failed to throw salt on the front steps....again. It's bad enough that your p*$$y mom gave him a Christmas gift.."
• You set the thermostat above 68 degrees.  "Put a sweater on, p*$$y"
• You don't love Linus in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
• You are psyched about the office Secret Santa
• You wear one of those knit stocking caps inside. "Look at that Tom Brady p*$$y wannabee."
• You wear a scarf inside
• You wear a shawl neck sweater
• You don't love the Little Drummer duet with Bing Crosby and David Bowie
• You've never seen "The Bells of St. Mary's"
• You fail to appreciate the genius of "It's a Wonderful Life". "What sort of p*$$y hasn't seen It's a Wonderful Life?"
• You don't leave out cookies for Santa  
• You forget to take a few bites out of the cookies
• You don't burn your wrapping paper and boxes on Christmas morning. "Let's go, p*$$ies, collect this garbage and let's light it up. Merry F*cking Christmas to me."
• You don't watch the Heisman awards ceremony
• You don't choke up just a little when they award the Heisman Trophy
• You actually believe that Cam Newton didn't know his dad was pimping him out
• You didn't smile when Urban Meyer resign/retired
• You get hammered on New Year's Eve. "You know what New Year's Eve is don't you? Amateur night for p*$$ies"
• You hate snow (which makes me the world's biggest p*$$y)
• You don't believe in Santa Claus

HOHOHO. Keep the votes coming. Somebody will be finding that Burberry scarf under their tree.

Today's Top Ten:

1. Posey's Fifth Grade Basketball Team--lost in a squeaker 28-2. Funniest sporting event ever.
2. The Kindle--I SO want one of these....
3. Paul Pulera--master of the vote
4. Brendan Fitzpatrick--protecting God, country and Notre Dame..thank you
5. "Teach Me How to Dougie"--my new favorite song...Just need to learn the dance
6. Eddie Bauer down and fleece throws
7. The Human Stain by Phillip Roth
8. Gold and White Monogrammed China--looks beautiful on my Christmas table
9. Wide plaid ribbon
10. Santa Claus