Lo, ho, ho, Dear Readers, ..."Chapter 14, Harry awakes to yet another Tequila sunrise..."
Honestly the turn around time on this blog is getting ridiculously fast. I am very close to scaring my own self. New year, new me. (until I revert back to the old year, old, lazy me.) And while Pioneer Woman has about 100 words and a picture of corn bread on her blog, THIS blog is chocked full of reams and reams of high quality, USDA certified choice literature and some very fine, fine links and photos that you will cherish forever.
Today's topic is all about the Olympics. Sochi fever--catch it. The games are only a few days old, but there have been some super outstanding moments. Here are my 10 favorites, thus far
1. Bob Costas' pink eye --I am obsessed with this and a bit concerned that it's not cleared up yet. Obviously, I am not the only one intrigued/horrified by his conjunctivitis as others are chatting it up as well. I hope the pink eye gets its own twitter account like Pharrell's hat. That would be awesome. http://www.upi.com/blog/2014/02/08/Bob-Costas-eye-swollen-due-to-pink-eye/6511391903057/
2. The Olympic ring that never opened. I love technical difficulties and huge malfunctions, so this was right up my alley. I heard that on Russian TV, they pretended like it did open up. Go, Russia.
3. The guy responsible for the Olympic ring that never opened...you just know that he's in a Siberian gulag some where or at the bottom of a Russian river with a curling stone attached to his ankle. Putin will NOT put up with this shit.
4. Along those same lines, any skater who takes a tumble. (I'm talking to you, Jeremy Abbott) The more they fall, the more I love it. I swear, I've been known to yell: "BOOM goes the dynamite" every time one of those skittish skaters bites the dust. Watching skiers fall is nowhere near as much fun...and when the snow boarders go down, they just kind of shrug, but those figure skaters are so damn high strung, that I get a total perverse sense of glee whenever any of them fall. Sorry....Here's my boy Jeremy post fall:
5. The big Russian nesting doll on the snow boarding course: I've always had a thing for nesting dolls (who doesn't?) So I am thrilled that someone was cool enough to clog up the snowboarding course with this big blow up cartoon punching bag. It's like a professional golfer having to putt into the clown's mouth or something. Perfect for the laid back, lit up world of snow boarding.
6. The Canadian sisters who won the Gold and Silver medals in the moguls. Usually, I only like medal winners from the US, because I am a jingoistic, national anthem singing patriot, but these Canadian sisters are pretty darn sweet--and they held hands on the medal stand. (And who doesn't love Canada? or as I like to call it: America's hat.) They actually have another sister in the Olympics who didn't medal. (Sweet Jesus, McKeon brothers, there are four of you and not a single Olympic medal between you...lazy ass slackers.)
7. The Biathlon Penalty lap: Now we're talking. Have you watched this at all? The competitors ski for a while, then whip out their guns and shoot at some targets. All these biathloners are great shots, (as well they should be--they're in the Olympics for Godsake) so it makes it even better that when they miss a target (and it doesn't happen all that often) they have to go ski this short little penalty lap. And man, are they pissed....I so LOVE this concept...Could you imagine how much more fun the NBA would be if every time someone missed a free throw they had to run a lap around the court?! Penalties need to be incorporated in all sports. It really adds to my viewing pleasure.
8. Three Goals in 55 seconds: As sweet as those Canadian sisters are, I take great, great pleasure in seeing the good old U.S. A whoop on other nations, even one as benign as Switzerland. The US Women's Hockey team scored 3 goals in less than a minute (an Olympic record) in their 9-0 route of Switzerland. USA, USA! Of course, the Swiss turned right around and kicked our asses in curling, but still...
9. Curling--Every single time I see this sport I KNOW the McKeon brothers could totally dominate here and I am fully prepared to heavily fund some curling lessons. This sport is the winter Olympic equivalent of corn hole, (and every other picnic game at which the McKeons excel), so let's put those skills to use and bring home a gold. Honestly the US is so bad at curling that with some intensive, round the clock training, this could really happen.. Do you remember like ten or twelve years ago when Geena Davis (of Thelma and Louise fame) trained obsessively to become an Olympic archer? If Geena can become an Olympian through massive training in a real sport like archery, you shidiots should be able to sweep a rock down some ice. Let's make a real commitment to this curling thing because I want to be in the next Proctor and Gamble commercial honoring Olympic moms.
10. Curling Uniforms : I am VERY impressed by the Norway Curling Team's Uniforms.
However, this only further highlights that curling is a sport that has "McKeon brothers" written all over it. Hell, I bet we already own those jackets. Please, brothers, get a rock, buy a broom and start sweeping. You have the wardrobe and your country needs you. Seriously, you've been training for this your whole lives:
You could wear these for the Olympics...
or these....
And for sure these:
Oh, yeah. The trifecta--great jackets, bad hair AND Nate's big head. Happy Olympics to us all.
No top ten today because this whole column is one big Top Ten. You're welcome. Again.
Hooray! Due to my desperate plea, we've picked up a few more followers and the comments were flowing. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And who knew Joanne was so darn handy? Fair trade clothes, home made sour dough, she's got it going on.
Valentine's Day is fast approaching. To be more prepared for this great holiday, and to see some awesome Valentine's Day gift suggestions, please see my post from a few years ago at: http://youcantscaremeihavekids.blogspot.com/2011_02_01_archive.html (full service, once again--two posts in one. You're welcome. ...And I still want that Hermes bracelet... I truly do. Also, if you have the time, take a quick glance at that Tiger Mom post immediately following the Valentine's Day one--it's really two posts in one and still rings true. (so now, you are actually getting FOUR posts--Sweet Jesus, can this day get any better??)
Now, in other Valentine's Day news, young Chris McKeon is once again dating above his pay grade. And he made the brilliant (or suicidal) gesture of sending out a group text asking what to put on the card for the flowers he is sending his young lady friend. (Obviously, he stole this idea from me as our last group text yielded Christmas card gold) Quick aside to Chris' lady friend: "I have not yet met you, but from what I hear, you seem like a nice girl. What the heck are you doing with Chris? Run, run now, run fast and run far. Don't say I didn't warn you."
Here are a few of the choice selections for the special, special message of affection that Chris should send with his (yawn) roses...Again, the potential messages for the card are bolded in italics, the general McKeon banter is in quotations and my side comments are just there:
Chris: "Hello, friends. I was wondering what to put on the cards for "Jane's" Valentine's flowers." (I have not yet met this young woman, and thus, in order to protect her privacy from the millions of people who will be reading this blog--I wish--I will call her Jane) "Hit me up with some good ones."
Annie: I thought she was mad at you because you ditched her on her birthday. So maybe you should say: "Sorry for ditching you on your birthday. Our future looks bleak"
Chris: "Haha. I didn't even ditch her. I just went to Club Landing before CJs" (local hot spots, I presume?) "These's a reason it's Michiana's hottest club"
Nate: "Happy V-Day. I wish you'd tell me you love me like you did before the war."
Chris and Nate looked at the suggested messages on the flower website and came up with some of these beauties prior to the text session and shared them with the group:
"Happy Valentines Day! I love you this many flowers much"
"I forgot to tell you this whole time: I'm deaf. Happy Valentine's Day"
"Happy Valentines day, Hoffman." (Hoffman is a weird name that Pete uses all the time because he loves Charlie Hoffman the golfer--now that Philip Seymour Hoffman died, it seems kind of creepy)
"I send you a kiss inside the petals of each of these roses...NOT. Happy Valentine's Day"
"You take my breath away when you take my breath away."
"You take my breath away when you smother me....with a pillow."
Nate: "The smothering was all me"
Jack: "You take my breath away when Crampus comes to feast. Happy Valentine's Day" (For those of you who don't know, Crampus is the Christmas devil (I guess) --for some reason he figures prominently in many McKeon conversations. There is speculation that Crampus and Dave McKeon are one and the same. )
Annie: 'Unless there's a $50 prize involved, I'm not very motivated to contribute, considering I've never even met this girl"
Jack: "Annie hates you. Happy Valentine's Day"
Nate: "DRAAAIINNAAAGGEEE. Happy Valentine's Day"
Annie: " I will agree with whatever Pete suggests because I know his will be the best."
Chris: "Hey, I can't afford $50, but I can cover chipotle for you" (every week the Notre Dame kids get together for Chipotle, usually with their cousins)
Annie: "Just say: USA, USA, USA" since it is the Olympics. Which is more important than valentine's day.
Nate: 'Good one, Annie"
Annie: or "Happy new season of House of Cards"
Nate: "Never mind you BIRD BRAIN" (I'm not sure if he was saying this to Annie or for the card--Nate can be a bit hard to follow)
Jack: (sends a picture of three of those smiley face emoticons with the big teeth) and says "just send that...and draw them on the card with your left hand"
Chris: "I like it"
Nate: "Give her the flowers and immediately set them on fire. Then say: "Hope our love burns as strong as this flame, babe! Happy Valentine's Day! The flame should last for a few seconds"
Jack: 'Hahahahaha"
Annie: "Roses are red, violets are blue. Too bad you're getting carnations, because I hate you"
Jack: "All hail, Good Queen Jane-a-slauce"
Nate: "Happy Valentine's Day from horses and robotrons" They got left off the Christmas card"
Chris: "Dodd Frank here, wishing you a happy Valentines day."
Nate: "Is that some sort of West Wing thing?"
Chris: "No. It's a Wall Street reform bill" (Nice to know that Chris has learned at least one thing at ND)
Nate: "They turned Dodd into a bill?? Those monsters!"
Chris: 'Jack, I'd draw those emojis, but this transaction is happening on the line"
Nate: "Bye the way, why isn't yalobushaema included in this text?"
Annie: "What is yalobushaema?"
Chris: "When dad was texting us all about some car issue, somehow he had this yalobushaema contact in his phone and included her/him in the group text. AND he left you out"
Chris then shows the screen shot of the texts from Dave including yalobushaema.
Annie: "HAHAHAHAHA what the heck? Who is that?"
Chris: "Haha. Well dad thought it was you"
Annie: "Must be his other daughter....that's not Posey"
Chris: "That or he was hitting those 64 calorie man beers too hard to text"
Nate: "Hahahaha"
Chris: "Talk about the pussification of America" (I think is referring to the 64 calorie beers...) "Boys, let's get those animal headed pipes to help restore the balance in the universe" (I believe Chris is referring to the pipes at Andreas --where Pete is the trash hauler--that are carved into the shape of animal heads. They obviously are very manly pipes.)
Nate: "He made a very nice recovery when we called him out on it...And yes, Christopher, let's." (get the pipes...or restore the balance of the universe?! maybe both? )
Jack: "Well, well, well, It looks like the boys will have to singlehandedly save this nation."
Chris: "Wouldn't be the first time. Remember that nucular (sic) reactor?" (spelling and pronunciation courtesy of George Bush...and Madagascar Three)
Me: "Holy hell, I just got off of a conference call and I had 84 texts...What's going on here? I've missed the whole thing."
Annie: "Better scroll way up."
Chris: "I need some suggestions for the card for the Valentine's Day flowers I'm sending "Jane". I am the moderator now, Laur. Time for you to give some suggestions. Oh, how the mighty have fallen."
Pete: finally joins in. "Why do we always do these while I'm in AP Chem?"
Chris: "How's Meyer"
Me: "So what is Chris going to put on the card?"
Annie:"Just send her this as the card:"
Chris: "Hahahaha"
Me: "hahaha"
Jack: "I like this one"
Nate: "NUCULAR REACTOR, BABY! THIS IS WHAT WE LIVE FOR"
Annie:
(Have you ever seen this show? It's from that super funny Australian guy Chris Lilley who did Summer Heights High. His new show is called Ja'mie: Private School Girl. This is Ja'mie......)
Me: "Annie is on fire. Can you put these photos on a card?"
Chris: "Yeah, Nate, how about that nucular reactor"
Annie: "
Chris: "Madagascar 3: Europes Most Wanted"
Nate: "Don't you mean nuclear?"
Chris: "NUCULAR"
Nate:
Annie:
Chris: "I already asked her that in person"
Chris again: "Nessun dorma" (you all probably know that nessun dorma is an aria from a Puccini opera. I did not. Chris is just showing off now.)
Nate: "Just play Talk Dirty by Jason derulo and you can't go wrong"
Me: "Nate wins"
Nate: "Nessun dorma, too"
Annie:
Chris: "Perfecto" "Qu ando la Luce. Splendera!"
Annie: "Isn't this the message Chris wanted to use for our Christmas card? This should be perfect for his Valentine"
Chris: "The flowers are actually for my favorite sister yalo."
Me: "Where are you finding these? I am so using that butter one. And when did we go bilingual?"
Chris: "When I started listening to Nessun dorma with Nate"
Annie: "This little thing called the internet, mom, ever heard of google?"
Chris: "Yeah, mom, you dinosaur"
Annie:
Nate: "Annie is really good at the internet"
Chris: "Annie, you should work for Google" ..."Or the penguins'
Me: "I know, but how do you text them?" "And if I transcribe this conversation, how will I get them onto the blog?"
Annie: "Copy and then paste them into the convo"
Nate: "Save them on your phone. Then they will already be in your photos"
Chris:"Save them to your phone....and use your thumbs when you text. I don't think iphones register index finger texts anymore"
Annie: "Or learn how to text from your computer like I do and all your dreams will come true"
Me: "That's never going to happen. If you all knew how long it takes me to get those photos on my blog you would die...and I still can't get them to line up like they do in the draft copy. Once I hit publish, the picture get all shifty"
Chris: "Don't worry. All of these are on the line, so you can use them on the blog...fear not"
Me: "I fear"
Annie:
Chris; 'Ah, yes, Chantal Dubois"
Nate:
(when Nate put this in the group text it was a movie and those little girls were kicking each other. It was pretty funny, but I don't know how to make that happen in this blog...and I text with my index fingers)
Annie: "haha. Good one Nate" (I told you it was better as a movie...you can probably find it on the line and watch it for yourself or take my word for it.)
Chris: "Nate, let's reenact this"
Annie: "I want to call a surprise witness to the stahhhnn.."
Me: "By the way, Annie, how did you like that picture of you from CATS?"
Annie: "I did not like it"
Nate: "Chris, say: I want to kiss you right meow"
Chris: "I want to kiss you right meow"
Nate: "On the card, Bird brain"
Annie: 'Use this"
Me: "Happy Valentine's Day from 105.9 the cruise and drive"
Chris: "That doesn't even any make sense."
Chris again: "To people who don't know how funny it is. Gotcha"
Chris yet again: "I have to go to class now, family. Please continue with the comments. We've yet to hear from young Peter or his new mii Hoffman"
Nate: "I have to go to class too. I am going to intercept Christopher on the quad"
(Jack already left for MCAT review class. His humor is missed).
Chris: "Good luck, little boy. I own Debartolo Hall. I am the one who keeps setting the fire alarm off"
Nate: "Good. Keep it up. It got me out of class today"
Chris: "haha. Me, too. Two days in a row."
Annie: "Come set it off in the law school, please"
Chris: "Oh, sweet, simple Annie. Don't you realize that there is something much bigger going on here?"
Pete finally comes to play: "Just say: Last time I saw you I forgot to laugh so hard I fell off my dinosaur" Hoffman out.
Pete: "I'm just going to rattle off a few here: "Happy Tine's Day. Chin chin"
Pete again: "Don't stop breathing. Love, Chris"
Annie: "Caution: Troll zone"
Pete: "I'll love you until I blow up your mailbox. Signed, Justice"
Pete: "Is the man keeping you down/ Well, don't just do that, and go ooooonnn and on about it! Come with me for your Valentine Boy. I have all that's at stake for you, honey. Don't worry it won't even be a bumpy road that we travel on because it's smooooth as a silk from her til the moon. Your crazy, greasy love boat, Chris" (I have no idea what any of this means...)
Pete again: "Hi. I'd like to order a Jake Burger"
Nate: "I hate your laugh so much. Happy Valentine's Day"
Annie: "I like that last one, Pete."
(OK, this is a total break in the conversation here, but I'm watching the Olympics and what the heck is up with Bob Costas' pink eye? He must have used the tainted water in his hotel room and got an infection. How awful. Don't they have those drops in Sochi? And seriously, what a total shit show over there--but I did like the outfits of Bermuda's team (i'm using the word "Team" loosely. I think they only have one athlete) Back at it...
Nate: "BABOOM!!"
Pete: "Run"
Nate: "Are you a girl? Because you must be. Happy Valentine's Day"
Pete: "I've never loved anyone as much as I love food. Happy Valentine's, girly"
Chris: "Hahhahahahhah! Pete is too good"
Chris again: "Back from class, Dear Readers. You look pale. Have you been checked for diseases? Happy Valentine's Day!"
Annie: "At least I'm not a hideous F***er"
Pete: "There are more US Congressman than there are pandas in the world. Happy Valentine's Day. Blegh"
Annie: just sends an emoji of a panda head
Pete: sends two emojis--the panda head and a gun, with these words: "Just do it"
Annie: 'I'm going home for Valentine's Day. I have money" and then sends the emojis of cash, the money bag and a visa card. (if there is some way to put these emojis in this blog, someone needs to tell me. Otherwise, I can only describe them)
Annie again: sends the emojis of the bomb, the gun, the knife, the syringe and the pill (this is pretty much my signature sign off of emojis--or the black moon with the crown--which stands for the black queen, which is what my kids often call me)
Chris: "Liquid gold"
Annie: "Be my Valenswine" then sent two emojis of pig heads.
Chris: "Glorious"
Annie: "Then give her bacon instead of flowers"
Me: 'A bacon bouquet is the new roses"
Pete: "If Krampus and Cupid had a baby. I'd be looking at it right now. Love you, babe--Happy Valentine's Day..Massacre"
Chris: "Pete, you need to get into the card business"
Pete: "Just print this out and send it to her" (I would rotate this, but this is how it came in the text stream, so I'm just leaving it)
Chris: "I'm ordering on line, humans. These pictures aren't going to work"
Annie: "That was your first mistake"
Pete: "Hey, 'Jane'! Save me a piece of that corn! Save me a piece of that corn for later!"
Pete: "Is it hot in here or is that my rash acting up again? Love ya!"
Chris: "it's the rash"
Pete: "OK, Chris, cut to the chase. What's on the short list for the card?"
Chris: "Really, the short list is anything you've said, Pete, since the rest of these tech wizards used so many pictures...except for Mom"
Chris again: "Actually, there's actually some real gold here from everyone. A real treasure trove, if you will"
Annie: "Be my Valenswine! accompanied with a beautiful bacon bouquet is the clear winner."
Me: "Thank you. thank you. My idea. Bacon bouquet is always the winner"
Chris: "I do love a bacon bouquet"
And obviously so does this young man:
This one's for you, Fat Pat. I always deliver.
Happy pre Valentine's Day! If you actually do re-read that blog from 2011, you will note that the card is every bit as important as the gift. I appreciate the enormous effort that went into "Valentine Jane's" card. I'm hoping you all do a better job telling your special someone how much you care.
Today's top ten:
1. The USA Olympic sweater. It's pretty sweet: USA, USA!
2. Enough Said--a great movie with Julia Louis Dreyfuss and James Gandolfini. Available on OnDemand. It got a 96 on rotten tomatoes and was great for a cold, cold night.
3. Heated pants. They really do exist. I have never seen these in real life, but for the last several days, the only time I am warm is when I am driving in my car with the heated seat on full blast, so I decided that I wanted heated pants for Valentine's Day. I found these on the line, and think that I may actually wear them. http://www.thewarmingstore.com/gerbing-heated-pant-liner.html#.UvXdvxbtJUQ
4. The Hive--terrific British book recommended by my sister Wendy. British writers make everything seem smarter.
6. Hubertus von Hohenlohe: The sole competitor from Mexico in the Olympics. He's a German prince, was a buddy of Andy Warhol, is fluent in five languages and is wearing a specially made mariachi outfit to ski in. He can't be stopped.
7. The bracelets from Project FEED. The Links of London ones are very, very cool. The heart one could make a very special Valentine's Day gift. I have the peanut one because it makes me laugh. The FEED tassel bracelets are only $10 and come in many colors. I bought a bunch as Christmas gifts and they were a big hit. AND FEED is always a great cause. http://www.feedprojects.com/shopping_product_list.asp?catID=3675
8. Crazy, Rich Asians--totally trashy book, but I loved it. Sorry.
9. Panera's turkey chili--nutritious, delicious and quite healthy.
10. Bacon Bouquet--I told you it exists: Happy Valenswine's Day!!
I am watching this debacle of a Super Bowl and feeling really bad for Peyton Manning. Hey, Peyton, the McKeon boys can feel your pain. Every year they fold like a cheap tent in the state tennis tournament, so you are in good company. Olivia Manning and I have so much in common. Hahaha. Even I can't make that comparison with a straight face.
Thanks for the hits on the last posts, (and how do you like this new look? not sure I love it, but the photo is a keeper) This blog literally writes itself, or at least that last post did, as I just transcribed that group text... All I had to do was figure out the punctuation, and I really didn't even get that part right...
However, we may need a few reminders about the whole blog thing--- I know it's been a while since I've posted consistently, and obviously, you've forgotten all the blog etiquette and camaraderie we built up over the years. Don't worry, I don't blame you...I blame myself.
Remember, rule 1: Please, try to comment on the actual blog. I need the feedback, the affirmation, and at least a few comments. In the words of Nate McKeon from the last post: "Like me, please like me", I know the Facebook is awesome, but comments on FB don't show up on the blog and don't add to my stats. Thank you, Judy Pulera, for remembering and following the rules. If I were running a contest right now, you would be the winner. Rule 2. For you new folks, (I'm talking to you, Fat Pat) would it kill you to sign on as followers? I'm kind of holding steady at around 110 followers. I need to see some jump in stats or I lose motivation to keep writing these scintillating prose. Rule 3. Please share! And share again. I need some volume and I can't keep carrying this blog singlehandedly--I'm pretty much doing all the heavy lifting here, please do your part. Thanks.
I must be getting back into the blogging zone, as I made the mistake of checking out that Pioneer Woman's blog. Have you heard of her? That home schooling, recipe writing, small appliance hawking, personality? She has like a jillion followers, a ton of advertisers and her own TV show. Seriously. I don't want a tv show. ( I have a face for blogging, and the vocabulary of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas-- I'd be bleeped all day long on TV) but I would like a few more comments on the blog. Is that too much to ask? Also, Pioneer Woman home schools her kids....which is admirable...I guess. But I will totally admit, if I home schooled my kids, it would not end well. It would be a glorified book club, with some really great field trips for shopping and lunch. So, I'm giving her all the props in the world and I don't begrudge her her home school audience, or her TV show, but please, tell me straight...are you all really looking for recipes? Pioneer woman has a million of them. And a million people seem to love them. I personally could give two hoots about recipes, but I guess if recipe sharing is expected in the blogosphere, I will do my damnedest,...once. Today and today only, is recipe day. And then never again.
I hate to cook. I truly do. (I think I wrote about this once before and I know I did in my column for the Kenosha News, but it bears repeating) I like to bake, but that is only because I like to eat baked things (cookies, cakes, pies, etc.) I fully admit, I only cook to keep my family alive, and even that I do sporadically. (They are all still alive, I've done my job) So, most of my recipes are things like:
Chicken--Take chicken and put it in the oven at 350. Remove when done.
Tenderloin--Take tenderloin, (beef or pork) put it in the oven at 350. Remove when done.
Potatoes--Take potatoes, put them in the oven at 350. Remove when done.
You get the idea. If a recipe has more than five ingredients, I will not make it. And even if it has less than five, I am usually missing most of them, and revert to the tried and true recipes above. But, if recipes are what you people want, recipes are what you are going to get. Below are some family favorite McKeon recipes that you will love and share with your loved ones. Yeah, right.
First, a little aside--are recipes copy written? I'm just asking because I honestly don't know anyone who invents meals or makes up their own recipes. (except obviously Pioneer women--who's blogs are WAY shorter than mine, so I like to think that I am a way better value--more words per blog for sure) Everyone uses a cook book or a recipe they got from someone else Let's face it, Charlie Trotter is dead (too soon?) and everyone else just plagiarizes everyone else's work. Here's an example: Someone gave me Anne Romney's cook book for Christmas (FYI There are many photos in this cook book. Say what you want about the Romney politics, but they are one good looking Mormon family and Anne Romney was in amazing shape when her kids were little. She claims they ate fluff a lot. I claim she is a liar--and a stealer, read on, Dear Readers....) I noticed that Anne Romney's recipe for chocolate chip pan cookies is the exact same one that is on the back of the bag of Nestle's chocolate chips, which is basically the same recipe that the entire free world uses (including me-and if you make that dough with out the chips, put it in a pan, and stick it in the oven at 350 until done-- BOOM! best blondies ever- Take that Anne Romney) Can you really take credit for a recipe that's in the public domain like that? Hell, maybe I can write a cook book. And does Mitt know about Anne's propensity to steal recipes? It's like Kitty Dukakis drinking the cough syrup all over again.
Right here I wanted to insert a photo of me cooking. But no such photo exists. So here is a picture of Annie and Posey when they were in the play CATS!! And another picture of Nate with the big head. I can't get enough of the big head years--Despite the giant dome, that seer sucker suit is a fine, fine look.
Back on track: Here are a few McKeon favorites. They are simple, time tested and I've even included the gluten free version for many of them, because this is a full service blog. Teachers, grab your spell bags--here we go:
10 Recipes--just for you, just for today, and never again.
Chicken--see above, Hint: Keep the skin on the chicken pieces, salt and pepper them, and then put pats of butter on the chicken. Butter = kitchen magic.
Tenderloin--see above. No butter--just salt and pepper. You seriously CANNOT screw up a tenderloin. It is virtually impossible. Hence, we eat tenderloin often.
Potatoes--baked--see above. Put potatoes in the oven. Take out when you get home from driving your kids to practice. Slather in butter, salt, cheese, etc. Can be a meal...so can cereal.
Chocolate chip cookie bars ---I make these for pretty much every tailgate. Why? because it is a hundred times faster than making individual cookies. Use the recipe Anne Romney stole from the back of the chocolate chip bag. I usually triple the batch (this involves fractions, be prepared), take a third of the chipless dough and put it into a 9x13 pan, then add chips to the rest of the dough and put it into 2 other pans. Tailgate ready desserts. Fast, easy and delicious.
Peanut butter crackers: Take crackers (saltines, Ritz, Club) and a jar of peanut butter. Knife is optional. Scoop peanut butter on cracker, top with another cracker or eat open faced. Done. I lived on these in law school and are great for any meal. I got this recipe from my mom. She made these both times in 12 years that she ever packed my school lunch. This is a true story. ***Special gluten free version**** Use Glutino crackers and almond butter (The regular glutino crackers are actually really good. I went through a very brief gluten free stage, until I realized that gluten free and calorie free were not even close to synonymous. Lesson learned)
Mexican dip: This is a for real meal and though I know everyone has a version of this, I swear this one I actually made up, because it originally came from a serious recipe that I reduced to its most basic form. Nate loves this. The rest of my family... meh. I make it a lot because it takes five minutes: Take two pounds of ground sirloin. Brown it in a pan. Throw in some salsa (any kind is fine) then put cheddar cheese on top. Turn off the heat, the cheese will melt and you are done. Seriously, best homemade five minute meal ever. Serve with soft taco shells or Tostitos. ********Special Gluten Free version******skip the tostitos and the shells. Eat with spoon.
Bacon: buy the very best bacon you can find--I recommend Neutskes or the bacon from the meat counter at that new Festival Foods. Put it in a fry pan and watch the love sizzle. (We have been on a bacon bender--I even have a special bacon glove to prevent those perilous grease splatters). ***** already gluten free!!********
Omelet: I make one of these almost every morning. (for me) Take two eggs, crack them open into bowl, (I need these kind of explicit instructions) stir with a fork, put eggs in little skillet sprayed with Pam, when the eggs start to cook, add some cheese and salsa on one side, then flip up the other side onto the salsa and cheese. This is a real live omelet!! I could actually serve this to people not related to me. Remove from pan. *****Gluten free again******Bingage!
Vodka and Cranberry Juice: Put some Grey Goose in a glass. Add cranberry juice to taste. Enjoy! *****Gluten free version*****leave out the cranberry juice.
Tailgate Soup: Finally!! This is a real recipe and many people have asked me for it. It has a TON of ingredients, so you know it didn't originate with me. I got it from Sue Chiappetta and unlike Anne Romney, I am giving her full and total credit. I make 10 times the recipe for tailgates. You can do whatever you want.
1 lb of italian sausage--I use turkey italian sausage (the hot kind--it's not as greasy)
1 onion, chopped
3 cups of water
1 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried oregano
10 or 12 baby carrots
1 zucchini sliced (sometimes I leave this out)
1 27 oz can of tomato soup
1 can of cannellini beans ( I always leave these out...don't like beans)
1 can of diced tomatoes (with liquid)
9 oz cheese tortellini
1/4 cup of red wine
2 Tbsp of olive oil
2 Tbsp of balsamic vinegar
2 tsp of chicken bouillon
Parmesan cheese
Cook sausage and onion over medium heat, drain thoroughly. Stir in the remaining ingredients, except for the parmesan cheese. Heat to boiling, cover and simmer for 20 minutes. Serve with parmesan cheese sprinkled on top. Sit back and watch the crowds flock to you.
I am reciped out. Take that, Pioneer Woman. Ten full fledged recipes in one post. Winner--Me.
Right about here, the Pioneer woman would have a picture of some food she made. That is not going to happen EVER--unless the food has the image of the Virgin Mary or Teddy Roosevelt or something on it. I hate when people show you their meals--mostly because unless they are going to share some with me, it just seems mean. Instead, here is a picture of Chris, back when he was a 98 lb weakling. Even back then he was dating way above his pay grade. ("Gee, Chris, you look kind of pale. Have you been tested for diseases lately?"....see the Harry Potter Dear Readers, Christmas reference below) The moral to all of these photos? People grow (and shrink) a lot over the years. Be patient and sometimes good things will happen. And sometimes not...("Well at least I'm not a hideous F****"---Dear Readers, again)
Lo, ho, ho, Dear Readers, Here is today's top ten:
4. And the men's sale at J McLaughlin is aces as well. Check out the corduroy shirts. The red one would be a perfect Valentine's gift...if you go for that sort of thing...Valentine's Day, I mean.
5. Bridget Jones: Mad about the Boy by Helen Fielding. The latest in the Bridget Jones series, and Bridget is all grown up. It's sweet and fun to read.
6. The Budweiser returning soldier ad. In a very weak pool of Super Bowl ads, (and an even weaker Super Bowl game) this one stood out.
7.Jimmy Fallon--I can't wait for him to rule late night from his proper throne and time slot.
8. The ice pink Burberry quilted baby jacket. The red and blue are adorable as well, but the pale pink is so, so sweet. Terrific baby gift for your favorite new arrival.
9. Clarissa Pinkola Estes--she's an amazing poet and essayist who is just so smart. She authored one of my favorite quotations: "Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.”
10. The Winter Olympics!! USA, USA, USA. Feb. 6th, Baby. Go for the gold. I promise I will get over the Dear Reader references soon. I eventually stopped singing "Say Something". It may take a while, though. Sorry.
Oh, Lord, is it cold--so, so cold. And it doesn't appear to be warming up anytime soon. ( 20 degrees does not a warm up make, so I don't want to hear about tomorrow's fine weather) We are in this deep freeze for the long haul, so hunker down and read this blog.
My last post was a very long time ago. Sorry. I should have followed that ugly photo blog bonanza with something great. (thanks to all of you who shared that post.) And I had every intention of doing just that. I actually started an awesome Thanksgiving post, about all the things for which I am grateful. I got about 40% done, but then I had to go and actually celebrate Thanksgiving, so I never finished. And it was all down hill from there. Christmas came up, (very, very fun--and I made home made chocolate pies, cream puffs and cupcakes that were awesome. The rest of my meal for 25--meh, it was ok. ) there were a lot of football games to watch, I had to eat some left over pie, then I had to see some great movies (American Hustle, Wolf of Wall Street, Saving Mr. Banks) Then, we got NetFlix for Christmas, (Merry Christmas to me) so I had to watch the entire season of House of Cards--(I kind of love Frank Underwood--anyone who easily uses the word "lassitude" in a sentence is alright in my book) Throw in New Years, all the post holiday sales and all the sugarfina champagne gummi bears I had to consume, and man, time just slipped away. But here is a follow up to my last post...kind of. If you recall, at the end of my last post, I was a bit nervous about what sort of ugly faces would be in our Christmas cards. Well, lo ho ho dear readers, read on and see what happens next.
Most of you know how seriously I take our Christmas cards. This year we were kind of rushed for time, because Jack was in London and the rest of the Notre Dame crowd wouldn't be coming home until Dec 22. So, I had to order our cards with no photo.When I called my good, great friend Roger, who does our cards every year (he's the best. I mean it) in late November to place the order, he told me I had exactly two hours to figure out what I wanted to put on the inside of the card if I wanted to get the cards on time... (Roger is a bit of a Nazi--and ok, I know that our cards were borderline late, but it wasn't Roger's fault...tight turnaround on our part) And because I am getting old and have been doing these cards for a very long time, I quickly group texted Annie, Chris and Nate at Notre Dame, Jack in London and Pete in class at St. Joes to give me some help with crafting the perfect holiday message: (I LOVE group texts)
HERE IS THE GROUP TEXT STREAM: (The stuff in italics is the proposed Christmas messages. The rest is just the general McKeon chit chat--do you need quotations when you are relaying text messages? The punctuation here is messed up. Sorry. Is there an MLA format for text messages? )
ME: "Heyo, I am getting the Christmas card together and need a saying for the inside...You have 2 hours to give me your best Christmas greeting. Winner gets $50. cash real money, Go."
Chris: "Merry Christmas from the fatties, the sickos and Dave"
Jack: "There's a hidden valley ranch party in My mouth!"
Nate: "Season's greetings from robotrons and horses!"
Jack: "Just use emojis."
Jack again: "Bitches get stitches"
Nate: "We all lay across the kitchen table in the picture and say": "This kitchen is bitchen!"
Chris: Just put: "Who's bringing the beer?"
Chris again: "Putting the Chris in Christmas"
Jack: "Putting the Jack in Christmas"
Annie: "Merry Christmas from Pepe and the half wits"
Chris: "Merry Christmas from President Bartlett and the White House staff. Go, America!"
Nate: 'The children were hung by the chimney with care" and then have a picture of us hanging off the mantle"
Annie: "That's awful!"
Me: "Maybe we could make that work"
Annie: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a big fight" ..."and then we have a female fight club."
Jack: "Merry Christmas from the funny people and Annie and Posey" "Actually, Annie, that was funny. You're back in."
Chris: "On changi, on changi, on changi good night."
Me: "Stop. Focus."
Jack: "Merry Christmas from the fatty, natty boys"
Nate: "Hello, hello, hello one and all. Merry happy Christmas from your friends at 105.9 the Cruise and Drive"
Me: "That doesn't even make sense."
Chris: "Happy Christmas from skinny Dave and the boys".
Annie: "Deck the halls with dart olympics"
Jack: "Annie's gonna win and I need that fifty!"
Me: "Then try harder. We are down to 90 minutes."
Nate: "The stockings were stuffed but Dave sure wasn't"
Annie: "What child is this?" and then we have a picture on the front of the card with all of us pointing at Pete"
Jack: "Annie is so going to win"
Chris: "Oh, Holy Fight"
Annie: "Then in the picture, we act out the nativity scene as a fight..."
Chris: "I'll split that money with Annie $45-$5"
Nate: "Then we can do a laser light show. I'll take that $50"
Annie: "Merry Christmas from Laur, who puts the NO in Noel"
Annie: "Don't some songs talk about making a joyful noise? that sounds like us. Maybe we can do something with that..."
Chris: "I think that's in a NWA song."
Annie: "I'm dreaming of a Fight Christmas"
Chris: "Have you noticed that a fight theme runs through all of these?"
Me: "We did a fight thing with "The other fighting Irish" a few years ago. No fighting"
Chris: "Frosty the Snow man" with just a picture of dad
Jack: "O, Holy Flight" and we hang Nate from some wires and have him fly over us."
Pete finally chimes in: "Chestnuts roasting on an open Meyer" and then we have a picture of Miss Meyer, the teacher at St. Joes."
Nate: "Perfect. I'm sold. Pete is the queen."
Chris: "We have a winner!"
Jack: "The weather outside is frightful, but Miss Meyer is so delightful"
Me: "Sorry, Miss Meyer is out. C'mon. Make this happen or we are going with the children being hung by the chimney with care."
Pete: "Oh little town of Breathlehem" and then we take a picture of Posey's stanky breath some how..."
Nate: "Pete is on a roll. How about: "Shark the Herald, Angels sing" and have a picture of a shark..."
Annie: "Can we do something with "tidings of comfort and joy?"
Nate: "Yahweh in a manger" and then have a picture of fat Pete in a manger"
Annie: "May your holiday be filled with Christmas jeer"
Nate: "It's the most blunderful time of the year. ...waaahhh waaaahh"
Pete: "Merry Christmas from Warlocks and Co... and then we all just shrug in the picture"
Annie: "Sleep in heavenly fleece... and then we all wear fleece onsies in the picture"
Chris: "Our finest gifts we bring: Dave brings long islands, Laurie brings unconditional love, Annie brings the law, Jack brings the beer, Nate brings the cheer, Pete brings the fear, Posey brings the conversation and I'll bring the funk"
Me: "That's a little long, but I appreciate the effort."
Annie: "No, no, no."
Nate: "Bok choi to the world" and then just have a picture of Posey"
Me: "Please focus. I'm not kidding."
Annie: "I think Christmas jeer has some potential."
Pete: "Wrong!"
Jack: "I like Chris' long one"
Me: "We have less than an hour. I'm leaning toward Putting the NO in Noel or else hanging you guys on the mantle."
Pete: "Merry Christmas from Glass Steagall"
Pete again: "Tender Hennessey Christmas: the Dave McKeon story"
Chris: "That's the one."
Nate: Hahahah
Me: "That's a pretty good one, but you may not get your Christmas checks from Grandma McKeon if you mock your father."
Pete: "Then just say "Have a tender Hennessey Christmas" "(fyi: this is a play on Have a Tender Tennessee Christmas, that perennial Christmas favorite by Amy Grant--I think)
Me: "What is Hennessey?"
Chris: "You don't need to know". (fyi: I do what Hennessey is...)
Nate: "Angels we have heard on Thigh" and then we all wear Chubbies shorts in the picture."
Chris: "Perfect"
Chris: "God rest ye Merry Gentleman and then we all wear leisure wear."
Jack: "Oh Come all ye Disgraceful"
Annie: "Tidings of comfort and joy" and we all wear fancy sweat pants and lay on the couch". (last year Pete and Chris got these really nice sweats from Jack Wills for Christmas--and now they call them their "dress sweats" or "fancy sweats". The other boys are jealous. Check out Jack Wills on line)
Nate: "I like Jack's"
Chris: "Annie, I just said that."
Me: "I know you can do better, and we are running out of time. I'm just going to have to go with putting the NO in Noel."
Jack: "Oh, come all you Disabled", and just have a picture of Nate and Annie."
Chris: "Then just put "Oh, come all ye Weirdos"
Annie: "Oh, come all ye Shameful?"
Nate: "Oh, come all ye Weightful"--let's put a chunky spin on things"
Annie: "What other words can we use in "O, Come all ye...?"
Jack: "Unstable"
Annie: "Playful?"
Jack: "Falafel?"
Nate: "Oh, crumb all ye Weightful?"
Me: "Half an hour left. Noel is still out in front."
Chris: "How about just "Oh come all ye faithful"
Nate: "Good one."
Pete: "Oh come all ye faithful" but then have no picture on the front...because we're not Faithful enough....or "Oh, come all ye Faith Hill?"
Jack: "Oh, come all ye Face full"
Nate: "All I want for Christmas are my two front legs"
Jack: "Oh come al ye glacial" because we are all fat as glaciers Heyo!"
Annie: "May your days be merry and bright!" And then just have a picture of the sun. "
Chris: "Last Christmas I gave you my heart. You're Welcome"
Me: "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" and then take a picture of us from really far away, so we look really small? "
Chris: "You better watch out because the McKeons are all back in town" or "Jack is back in town, so you better not cry, you pussy"..... I just really like the song Santa Claus is coming to town."
Nate: "Chestnuts roasting on an open drier" and then have a picture of Laur doing the laundry."
Pete: "Happy Hanukkah from the X Men"... I call Wolverine."
Chris:" Dibs on magneto"
Jack: "I'll be madam Zeroni"
Nate: "I call Craze
Chris: "I'm Armpit"
Me: "STOP. We need to get this done."
Chris: "We see you when you're sleeping" then send a photo of us stalking someone."
Jack: "What child is this? " and then just have some random kid in the picture."
Me: "What about "plaid tidings"? the border on the card is plaid.
Annie: "No."
Pete: "Happy Christmas from the Movers and Shakers! shimmy shimmy bump bump"
Jack: "May your days be merry and meteorite"... Winner. Me.
Nate: "Chestnuts roasting on an open Friar" and Jack comes home from London dressed as Friar Tuck"
Me: "You better watch out is interesting. So is when you are sleeping."
Chris: "Both mine. Both great."
Annie: "Both creepy."
Me: "Tick tick. Think harder."
Nate: "Merry Christmas. Another one down and we're all a little closer to death"
Annie: "Nate, you are getting worse as we go on."
Chris: "I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. Christmas is all around me, and so my stomach grows"
Nate: "Cute, but too long".
Chris: "Just pick your favorite part...like "toes"
Nate: "To what should my wandering eyes appear, but Dave McKeon holding another beer!"
Chris: "Great!"
Annie: "Deck the Halls" and then we all fight (deck) each other.
Me: "Get past the fighting."
Nate: "Wreck the Halls"
Chris: "I like it!"
Me: "Roger is calling to get my greeting. Step it up. Step it up. I can only hold him off for another 15 minutes or so."
Annie: "Mom, you could have given us more than 2 hours to get the creative juices flowing."
Nate: "Joyful, joyful, we abhor thee"
Annie:"I still like Christmas jeer."
Me: "Hey, this is a real time situation. No abhor, no Hennessey, I'm leaning toward hanging the children by the chimney. Good luck hanging on those stocking hooks for the picture. "
Nate: "Hey, I love it. That one was mine I believe. Fifty for me."
Annie: "No, it's awful. It seems really morbid..and kind of offensive"
Me:" I guess you are right. I was thinking of the line from the Drunk History version of "The Night Before Christmas" , but I bet most the people getting our cards don't watch Drunk History. Please keep thinking or we're going with Plaid tidings."
Jack: "We are way better than Plaid tidings...no offense, Mom"
Chris: "I'm with Annie. Let's not hang anyone."
Nate: "It came upon a midnight beer"
Me: "Stop with all the drinking ones. We have enough issues. Ok, then we're going with putting the No in Noel."
Chris: "What about you better watch out? That's a good one."
Nate: "We can still do the stocking one, just not with the picture....again, I could really use that fifty dollars."
Chris: "Nate, enough."
Jack: "No hanging. "
Nate: "I need this. Please like me...Please like me."
Jack: "Oh, come all ye shameful" Come on! that's great!
Nate: "I really feel like we can do better than the No El."
Me: "Then do it. I don't like shameful. and we only have ten more minutes. "
Chris: "You better watch out, because I'll beat your ass" and then we have a picture of Pete looking mean."
Me: "Plaid tidings of great joy". and I keep my fifty.'
Nate: "Bingage'
Pete: "I think we all want to know why Roger's schedule is so tight. We need more time. "
Me: "We don't have any more time . Deal with it."
Nate: "The children lie Yahweh in their beds" I'm really forcing Yahweh here."
Annie: "Yeah, and I'm not sure why."
Jack: "We really need to be funnier than plaid tidings of great joy."
Nate: "Yahweh is comedy gold just waiting to be discovered."
Annie: "I wish we were Jewish so we could use "Jubilee"
Me: "Jubilee is nice, but it's too late to change religions. And Pete, Roger calls the shots when it comes to the Christmas card. Plaid tidings is out in front right now."
Annie: "Putting the Laur in Gloria?" grasping at straws here...
Jack: "I wash my hands of plaid tidings."
Annie: "I don't even know what plaid tidings means."
Nate: "Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled....Yeah, right".
Annie: "Glad tidings? is that where that comes from? Do we all have to wear plaid? Because we've done that in many, many Christmas cards past."
Chris: "Truth."
Me: "It's from glad tidings. It's in the Bible. Look it up. It's when the angel comes to the shepherds. Remember? "Fear not! I bring your glad tidings of great joy" Shit. twenty years of Catholic education and you guys know nothing. Someone owes me a refund."
Pete: "Wipe that chagrin off your face, Annie"
Nate: "Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy: Who are these fatties? "
Me: "Times up. Any last second suggestions? I'm just going to get Roger pick between plaid tidings and the "Putting the NO in Noel"
TEN MINUTES LATER THE GROUP TEXT CONTINUES:
Annie: "What did he choose?"
Me: "He hated plaid tidings. He loved the children hung by the chimney but realized it may be offensive, so we are going with "Putting the NO in Noel"
Nate:"I say it's a good pick. Bravo, Roger."
Annie: "So what's the full saying on the card going to be? Also, I believe I suggested the Noel one--eh, eh."
Jack: "I knew plaid tidings would crash and burn..."
Nate: "Hahaha. Jack=prophet. or king. You decide."
Pete: (no words--just sends an emoji of a black, angry moon) ??!
Me: "The card will say on the inside: Putting the NO in NOEL for almost 25 years. Merry Christmas. Laurie and Dave McKeon and then all of your names."
Annie: "What are you thinking in terms of the picture?"
Me: "No idea."
Pete: "Can we just take it at Honada? In front of the grill? With Michael the chef?"
Me: What??
And this is how all important decisions are made.....I do love a great group text. While this nice and happy photo was on the front of our Christmas card: (sans Michael from Honada)
(Those half red half green trousers are the infamous pantaclaus pants from Bonobos--they are on sale right now, but they only have them in 29 and 30 inch waists. All you skinny guys, go pick them up. They have a short window to wear them, but well worth it...)
This little beauty hit you when you opened up the card, which did indeed have the "Putting the NO in NOEL" line as determined so effectively and efficiently above.
Thanks to the fine, fine camera work of Jack Burke, we took both of these photos in less than an hour and the rest is Christmas card history.
And here are a few outtakes from the post card photo shoot: And yes, Nate is got it going on...again.
Stay warm! And keep reading. I will try much harder to write more often. I mean it.
TODAY'S TOP TEN: (I have so many stored up...but here are the favorites right now)
1. Harry Potter voice over. For some reason this makes me laugh my ass off. There are several of them, and the Christmas one is the best, but here is the link to the Quidditch match one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUySlEyrIRI "The game is tied at Chapter 20.."
2. The Black watch plaid sport coat at J.C. Penneys. ok, this is the longest link ever, but it's worth it :
I have to admit, I've never bought anything from Penney's before (it's just not in my loop. I buy from Target all the time, so get off my back) but this sport coat is amazing and is on sale for $90. It's fully lined and a total steal. Every McKeon man got one for Christmas, because your wardrobe is not compete without a black watch plaid sport coat. Generally a good plaid sport coat will set you back hundreds of dollars. Don't miss out on this. And I think there may be an on line coupon. YW.
3. Haven Kimmel--she is a great, funny, poignant author who wrote the book A Girl named Zippy and her latest book She Got Up off the Couch is even better.
4. Group Texts--see above
5. The Invincible Socks from Orvis. These are the only things getting me through these cold, cold days.
6. The Jack Wills Sale at http://www.jackwills.com/en-us/ladies/sale There are some incredible deals. The holiday plaid dress (which runs very small) is a crazy, great buy at $34!
7. House of Cards--see above. I know he's a murderer, but I still love Frank Underwood.
8. Say Something I'm Giving Up on You. This video has been stuck in my head for months now. I just love it. I could watch it for hours. And I do. Just ask Kim Westphal.
9. Doses and Mimosas. It's an awful song (thanks, Kevin Moyer), I'm not going to lie. I will not link the video, but I crank it up in my car WAY too much. The lyrics are full of profanity, the message is not good, but for some reason, I kind of, really love it. Ask my kids, I have a weird appreciation for some terrible rap songs. Hence, the Dear Mama serenade from my boys at the Mother/Son Banquet--because they know that I secretly love a few rap songs, especially anything about a Mama--which doses and mimosas has nothing to do with. I'm hoping I get over it, but I doubt it. Here is that video instead:
10. JUDY PULERA!!! It is Judy's Happy, happy Birthday and she makes it all look so easy. She is the poster child for "Age is just a number". Judy, Oprah is lucky to share this day with you!! Have a day that is as special as you are.
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