SHORTEST POST EVER

Hey, hey, here is a very, very quick post. I have only three more days of school (thank f'ing God) and would apologize for ignoring the blog, but I'm working my fool ass off. Seriously. I have a paper due tomorrow and a Marketing exam. So, what the hell am I doing posting on this blog??? Beats me....

No, actually I have a few stories to share and I am going to quickly share them (Quick aside: I am tempted to try that five hour energy that all the kids are imbibing these days, but I am afraid it will make me even more jittery and I've got enough damn issues...I'm not kidding)

Many exciting things have happened during my tenure on campus. Here they are in order of appearance:

1. I had food poisoning one of my first days on campus and spent the night puking in my dorm sink....sweet, brought back a few special college memories. The good news is, I lost a few pounds. The bad news, I quickly put them back on...)
2. Nate sprained his ankle playing basketball on some kid's driveway.  Several days later his father took him for an x-ray--no break.
3. During the great Kenosha wind storm, a tree fell on the corner of our house. Get the following text from Jack: "A tree fell on the house. Dad is not home. We can't get the car out of the garage. What should we do? "
4.  Dave and the kids did not have power for three days. In the mean time, I am attempting to master power point for a huge presentation due on Saturday. No power means no power point assistance from the youngsters at home. I was totally counting on Nate and Pete to do all the heavy lifting for me on this one. Nate heads out to Strawberry Creek to get internet access to send me some premade power point slides....this does not go well. Pull an almost all nighter. Learn power point--get an A- on the presentation...I am way too old for this sort of shit.
5. Receive the following text: "WE still don't have power. We are sleeping in the basement, but we are all very stinky"  Again, not the sort of text I was hoping to receive.
6. Dave brings the kids up to visit on July 3rd to celebrate Pete's birthday. I feel like it is visitation day at the County Jail. Dave's hopes for a conjugal visit are dashed when he sees my accommodations. (also, having all the kids hanging around didn't help...)
7. Have classes on the fourth of July.  Is this even legal? Begin my Accounting Class. For someone who doesn't balance her own check book, this could be a challenge.
8. Attend the Chiappetta wedding on July 9th.. What a beautiful ceremony and a beautiful reception. Despite several hours of reminders, Dave forgets to pack my dress and shoes for the wedding. He calls from the Edens and says that he is stuck in major Chicago traffic and if he has to turn around to get my dress, he is not coming back.... Jack (aka Johnny on the Spot) FedExes them overnight to the Morris Inn. Crisis averted--I had an AWESOME dress for the wedding AND some pretty sweet shoes. It was great to see Dave and the three younger kids. Hit the half way mark of school and heading down hill. Sue and Chip Chiappetta know how to throw a party.
9. After seven long island Iced teas at the wedding, Dave backs into a post in the parking garage with his brand new Audi--oops. that hurts...(lesson here. Six Long Islands are enough...)
10. Ace my first two accounting quizzes. Start to get a little cocky...bad strategy.
11. Bond with my 27 year old cohorts with a rousing game of "Catch Phrase".  My contribution to Game Night? A big ass bottle of Grey Goose. (and some cranberry juice to prevent UTIs--it's medicinal, look it up) Sure, all those Gen X Yers can kick my ass in making power point slides, but I can afford top shelf alcohol.... Advantage--me.....During the whole catch phrase thing, my true competitive nature comes out and I actually call someone a moron when she fails to guess "Easter Egg Hunt"..I'm blaming the goose. 
12. Chris and Jack inform me that they are hosting something called the "Catalina Wine Mixer". I so do NOT want to know what the hell this is all about. I tell them to talk to their father...and if they get arrested, call a good attorney.
13. Take my accounting final---Fear that I have seriously overestimated my skills in this arena as it took me every minute of the FOUR hour finals period to finish the exam.....shiiiiittttt.
14. Dave McKeon leaves for Germany. My children are home unattended--Chris and Jack reassure me that "it's all chill". Why does this scare me even more than the tree falling on the house?
15. Receive a text from Pete today while I was in my Board Relations class. It read as follows: " the downstairs nonguest toilet is clogged because Jeff " (Please note that I have no son named Jeff) "accidentally flushed his phone down the toilet. It still worked, just a little slow, so I didn't think it would be a big deal so I decided to wait it out and see if it got better or worse. then it got clogged yesterday and we can't unclog it. (shocker there) So I was wondering if we should wait for you or dad to get home before we call a plumber. If you want us to call a plumber now, who should we call? thanks..and can't wait to see you" (this of course, is added for effect, so that I don't kill him). WTF? How can anyone, even Pete, ignore a cell phone that has been flushed down the toilet? When I ask Pete why no responsible adult heard about this mishap, he admittend that his friend Jeff (who spent the night at our house like a WEEK ago) was afraid to say anything in front of Dave. ....Ok, I totally get it, and sadly admire Pete's decision making on this one...Dave McKeon would totally have made Pete, or possibly his friend Jeff, retrieve that cell phone from the plumbing head first. ...And we wonder why kids don't want to spend the night at our house....
16. Got my Accounting final back....I got an A and shocked the hell out of myself. Please do not spread this happy news to Dave McKeon, because he will now realize that I am wholly capable of balancing my check book, but just choose not to because it's easier to pull money out of his account when I use up all the money in my own...take that, Accounting...

That's the latest update. And it took way longer than I had planned, so I must return to the books. I have only a few more days at school and I promise I will give a full report then.  I can't wait to go home and sleep in a real bed and take a shower without having to carry a Johhny bucket down the hall. Please say a quick prayer that these last few days are accident and alcohol free for everyone.
Top Tens will resume, once I finish my homework.  Signing off for now...and it wouldn't kill you to give me a few inspirational comments, would it???

COED UPDATE

Don't be too shocked but I am giving you all a quick update on my life as a co-ed.  Yeah, I know I should be doing my homework, but I'm reverting quickly to my old college/law school behavior of needing to take a break every hour...(half hour) and yes, you, my friend,s are my break...

Here are a few quick observations:

1. I'm kind of old...there are many "students" here who are not yet thirty...they all seem like super nice people, but it's hard for me to not ask them to take out the garbage or to tell them all to go make their beds. I refrain, because I have to stay on their good sides because I will be at their mercy the minute some heavy duty technology project is due...
2. This will come as a big shock (to no one) but I am already figuring out ways to bribe these hipsters to do some of the heavy lifting for me....Do not think that these "Teach for America" kiddies, who are taking out student loans to get their MNAs cannot be bought.by Dave McKeon's hard earned money.( I am just trying to set my pricing strategy in advance because I don't want to start out too high and then lose my bargaining power come crunch time...)
3. There is more work than I thought...shiiiitttt. I had heard that this program was intense, but I was hoping there was a bit of urban legend in it...No such luck.  I am going to have to apply myself.
4. I need to buy some highlighters...and a stapler. Should have packed these but I guess I thought my papers were going to staple themselves now.. Also, I guess my books will be highlighting themselves, because obviously, I'm not making that happen right now...
5. Many of my classmates take great notes and create all these study guides that they are willing to share (for free---non profiteers all the way).  I will probably not be able to return the favor, but I am more than happy to big up the check. 
6. Living in a dorm is oddly freeing--no overhead, no maintenance.  It's only been a day an a half, so ask me come week three how I feel about living in a 9 by 10 foot space, but for now, it's ok... ish...except for the communal bathroom...don't ask
7. There are a lot of people doing some very cool non profit stuff.  It's interesting to see all of the unique perspective out there...Some day I will tell you about the guy in my class who is a political fundraiser who had to get Chinese food for Bill Clinton...it is hysterical. 
8. I don't think I'm the dumbest one in the class (actually, everyone is pretty damn accomplished--stupid high standards at Notre Dame...)However, there is a very good chance that I am quite possibly the second dumbest...
9. It's very cool to be back on the ND Campus. I got up early this morning to run around the lakes and make a stop at the Grotto.  Just like old times...(except I run WAY slower)
10. I miss Dave and the kids more than I thought.. much more. It's hard to realize when you are so immersed in your day to day life, how disconcerting it is to be totally removed from it and dropped into an entirely different day to day.... I'm sure I will get more used to it, and am even more certain that Dave McKeon will be here soon for a conjugal visit, but it's still very foreign to know that this experience is totally mine..However, their is a guy in my class who is a dead ringer for Chris McKeon (he even has a very similar sense of humor...he totally cracks me up) and he has a super good natured friend (like Jack), so I get a little taste of the brotherhood, and have a real good idea of what they will be like in about five years..Still looking for the Nate and Pete doppelgangers, but time will tell. 

That's all I have time for tonight.  Thanks to all of you who sent your best wishes.  If I survive, I think I will learn a ton, and I promise to make you all proud...(don't worry about my integrity, I'm not going to pay these kids to do my homework....I just want to put a few of them on retainer to handle my technology needs...)

Study break's up, time for me to get my fat, old ass back to work.  I will post up soon...(actually because I now spend so much time at my computer, I will probably post on a more regular basis...she says optimistically....)

FIN!

I know just how late it is. I apologize, but there were SO many entries and the judges really took the time to dissect these six word nuggets of literary prowess. It was WAY harder than it looks. I must have read every entry ten times. Judge Wendy had much to say...most of it sounding something like: "That is not a six word STORY, it is a six word SENTENCE!  Big difference!" Judge Nate slogged through them all and weighed in with his unique perspective, and Judge Chris had to recuse himself as he posted up a few pearls of his own. "Internet is here. Wake Grandma. Fin" ?? Really??  Maybe.... (True story:  At one point tonight, this free form nonsensical piece of bullshit was actually in contention...no joke. I've got to tell you, if you read any of these six word configurations enough times, they all start to sound like they have some deep hidden meaning....it's scary. Thank God Judge Wendy brought us back to our collective senses.."Just because it says "fin" at the end doesn't make it a story...it's just six sassy words strung together...we have got to move on")   Needless to say, we went round and round on all 300 plus entries. Judge Wendy was beginning to lose her patience, and then, she actually lost her electricity, (HUGE storms in the Western suburbs with a massive power outage--Judge Wendy is freaking out because her auxiliary sump pump battery may run low and we all know what that can lead to...needless to say, judging six word stories are no longer at the top of her "to do") so, lucky for everyone, except Judge Wendy and her neighbors,  we just had to make some tough decision and bring this baby to a close. Also, Judge Nate left to go to Wingstop...judging a challenge of this magnitude really works up your appetite....

So, after much deliberation, we have chosen the three top entries, and thus, determined the winner of the entire challenge. It was interesting, to say the least, seeing each contestant playing out their long term strategies. Judy and Tricia (especially Tricia) went for quantity all the way today. Stacy, once again, is playing the quality card. John as always jumped in first and set the bar high, in both quantity and quality, and Brenna provides a thoughtfulness to her entries that is quite compelling. Honestly, everyone of you did an excellent job! Again, I thank you all for participating in this literary challenge and for devoting some of your precious time to punching into the blog. This has been a very fun way for me to ease some of my anxiety about going back to school....actually, I have way more anxiety about leaving Posey home with her brothers and father....this could end badly in so many ways, that I have to stop dwelling on it or I will drive myself crazy  (Please, it takes a village...If any of you see her walking alone down Sheridan Road, or standing on the corner of 75th and 22nd Ave by herself, please pick her up and then drive directly to my house and smack every single male in sight....really hard. Then call me)

So, again, thanks for the fun diversion. And most of all, please remember that this is a contest for fun and fellowship. Please don't hold a grudge if you are not THE winner (remember, only ONE winner tonight....sorry. I only have ONE prize) and if you are upset, please hold that grudge against Judge Wendy. She was the total stickler in this thing. I would have let everyone win...of course I would...I do promise that when I return from grad school, (even if I flunk out--it could happen) come this August, there will be a big old blog challenge reunion Beach Party at Casa McKeon  (fingers crossed that our new found beach has not been washed away by tonight's storm...), that will better than any necklace, bracelet or Burberry scarf.  So even if you are upset by tonight's results, just pretend like you are not, so you can come and suck down all the very famous, patented Dave McKeon Long Island's you can drink. I'm even hoping to get Young Studly Louis to come up...Beach Blanket McKeon will draw a crowd.

With all of that preface, here are tonight's results. I must warn you, they kind of took on a life of their own as we analyzed and re analyzed these stories...First the quantity points which really had an impact on the whole challenge, but especially tonight.. (counting these up was time consuming, to say the least :
Judy: 170, John: 156, Stacy: 40, Tricia: 264!!!, Brenna: 86.   Very excellent.

Now, on to quality---for this last challenge, the judges split a possible 1000 points (the last challenge is ALWAYS worth the most) among the top three entries....now you know why this took so gd long...there are many ways to split 1000 points. But finally here is how it all played out...
Numbers 2 and 3 tied and each entry received 250 points. Number one was awarded 500 points.  It was beyond crazy coming to this compromise but the Judges feel really good about their work. The two masterful second place entries were:
2. John's "Man awakes. Chews off own arm." This was a consistent judge favorite because you can just see the story here....(not a very pretty story, but a pretty good story) John had some other great entries, too--("What is she like? Great personality"....was one of my favorites, but one sump pump obsessed judge just "couldn't see the story"...)  John, 250 points plus your quantity points=406 for the night...very, very impressive.

2. Judy's "Shit! I married the wrong woman." was just excellent.  Again, great story, great emotion...cracked everyone up...(another Judy contender was "Your husband is a great kisser"...talk about a story...) As always, Judy brought the quality and quantity  420 total points for you tonight.

1. And finally, in a very surprising come from behind win...with a very touching subtle entry (that honestly, given all of the entries from this author may have been blind luck--kind of like when John guessed my confirmation name) Tricia's : "In the end, she loved him". Read this one a few (hundred) times and it really is the best story of all...Who knew the judges would get so sappy at the end of this whole thing? Certainly not me.  This little story just kept growing on us and in the end, we loved it...that gives Tricia a ridiculous 764 points for tonight.

To Kim and Stacy, we all mean this when we say that your entries were terrific (Stacy's "Love being a mom. Margaritas help" is a classic, and Brenna's "Love, a heart breaking emotional war" made everyone of us sigh, but both of these got aced out in the end...blame the sump pump. At one point, we were tempted to score five, but Judge Wendy brought us back to the rules...and for that we are thankful or we may still be going at it. ) Again, it was a real treat to read your stuff. Thanks again for participating and sharing your talents.

For those of you who are not doing the math in your heads, the final scoreboard reveals that Tricia, yes, Tricia in a spectacular come from behind victory is our winner with 1315 total points...Way to go, Tricia. Excellent job. Quantity yielded quality and that, my friend resulted in a Tiffany necklace to match your very cool bracelet. Now all John has to do is get you the earrings and you are all set...

Judy came in second with a whopping 1196 points and John was right behind with 1148 points. Once again, you two finish at the top.  Very well played.  It was another stellar challenge. Great entries, great comraderie and an awesome photo finish. Again, thanks to all who participated and thanks to all who popped in just to view the fun. Tricia, the necklace is ready and waiting for you. Congratulations and Contact me for delivery.

Wish me luck as I re enter the world of Academia.  Let's hope it doesn't spit me right back out. I will try to keep you posted, but I should probably do my homework first....again, thanks to all. See you on the beach.

ACROSTIC FEVER

When it rains, it pours. The acrostics were pouring in and they were dynamite. This was the most difficult challenge to score thus far. I kind of backed myself  into a corner by saying I was only going to pick the top three because there were many, many worthy entries. BUT because I must abide by my own rules, three it is. Judge Wendy is ready to kill me because, as opposed to last night, she had like ten entries she loved. The boys weighed in and also had a tough time picking just three...Kudos to Stacy.  The tough love speech really paid off. She significantly picked up the pace, and the judges responded accordingly. Now, if I could just get that speech to work on Pete McKeon....

Before I release the results from tonight, I just want to say how much once again I've enjoyed this competition. You guys have a wealth of literary/wordy skills and I'm so glad you shared them with the blog. These last two challenges are the toughest and because of that, they will be scored accordingly. As the numbers come in, things may be in a little bit of flux. Stay steady and everything will be just fine. Keep posting up your best efforts and trust the judges...(or blame the judges...but not just me)

Here are tonight's quantity points and they are still being doubled: John 12, Judy 30!, Stacy 20!!, Tricia 10 and Brenna 6. Again, so many of the entries were great, but we were only allowed to pick the top three. After much deliberation, and I mean much deliberation, here are the top three acrostics of the night. And the scoring rubric has been adjusted accordingly...things are getting very interesting...
Number 3: Tricia's Tony Bennett acrostic--very well done. 100==your total 110
Number 2: Kim/Brenna's Sammy Davis Jr. one--any acrostic that contains the line "I'm a one eyed negro jew" is a winner with the judges. 200 points in honor of the one eyed negro jew a whopping 206 for you tonight. (though I must admit, my head was just a little turned by the Laurie McKeon one...)
Number 1: Stacy, Stacy, Stacy--All of your entries were quality and the judges actually were fighting over which one of yours should be ranked number 1--Chris fought for the Cat Stevens one, Nate was partial to St. Nicholas, but Judge Wendy declared that the St. Martha one was the undisputed champ (she's a little partial to those who clean up alot) See what happens when you listen to your mother and put in a little extra effort? (Oh, sorry, I mixed you up with Pete for a second)--You walk away with 320 points that's what. AND you are so in contention for a beautiful Tiffany necklace.

Oh, and by the way, Larry Sanchez, man of the 50s, your acrostic was beautiful, but it was posted just a little too late...otherwise, Larry, you would have been a contender.....

Man, this competition is getting REALLY intense. John, Judy and Stacy are within a few points of each other and Brenna and Tricia are not too far behind.This really is anyone's challenge to win. A first place showing by anyone of you will bring home the bacon...(necklace) Between my nerves about going back to school AND the stress of this competition, I actually could only eat ONE candy bar today.... We need to wrap this thing up so I can go back to my candy hogging ways...and possibly get my homework done so I don't flunk out of school the first week.

Now, here is the final challenge. I've been building up to this the entire competition. It is a super tough one and I'm going to admit that I stole the concept from Ernest Hemingway.  He said that you could write a story in six words. Here was his example: "Baby shoes for sale. Never worn."  --pretty great, right? Sends a chill or two. And it is so freaking good that I can't even think up an example of my own....except: "Text books for sale. Never read"....just kidding. So, this is it, for all the marbles, Write a story in six words. That's it...It can be on any topic of your choice. Just make it good. And please, original work only....if you cheat on this one, we will hunt you down like the lying scumbag you are...  Please get all entries in by five pm and may the best six word story win....I mean it, I'm super nervous about this challenge and I'm not even a competitor. Good, good, very good luck. I can't wait to see how this shakes out.

Again, no top ten, because I just need to get this thing posted...Tomorrow night it will all be over

EIGHT DOWN, TWO TO GO!

There are only two challenges left, my friends, and to be quite frank, there may only be two challengers left...I did a little high level math this weekend and tallied every one's total scores. (nice practice for grad school) As Brenna so accurately pointed out, John and Judy are battling to the finish. However, I would like to give a little lecture to our friend Stacy....You are killing me. You are like the Pete McKeon of this challenge...all of the potential to win big, but only willing to do the bare minimum...(Pete is the king of the 93.5 average...just enough for an A, just enough to keep me off of his ass...) One entry a day, Stacy?....Really?? You can't muster up a few more sentences each night? I'm not asking for the Magna Carta here...just a few freaking lines...Your stuff is top shelf, but you are getting killed in the quantity category. Judy and John are prolific and they are cleaning up just with sheer volume. You're an engineer for crying out loud, you should know that this is a numbers game....Ok, sorry about the tirade...you know I'm only saying this because I love you, Stacy. So, in order to level it out, and make things just a little more interesting, for these last two challenges. I am only awarding the top three places...then, when Stacy sends in her solo perfect entry, she won't be penalized. However, quantity points will still be awarded, so those who make the effort will get their due...(you have no idea how hard I work to make this all fair..ish.) And in the name of fairness, I am warning you, the last challenge, which will be posted tomorrow, is totally awesome and will go for ginormous points. So, for everyone, stay in the hunt and stay tuned....

Before posting the results from the last challenge and giving the scoring status report, I'm going to fill you in on my Happy Father's Day...but first, let me tell you what I got for Mother's Day...NOTHING--that's right, no one gd thing, except a pretty cool vase made out of paper from Posey (complete with paper flowers) and some toast in bed, also made by Posey. The rest of the shids did nothing, that's right...nothing....and they wonder why Posey is my favorite. Like it's even close....Sure, I wasn't expecting anything too awesome, coming off of the trip to Great Britain and the Longchamp palooza, but still, a little something for the effort would have been nice...whatever....

Now, flash forward to Dave McKeon's Happy Father's Day: first Posey and I whipped up a gourmet high protein breakfast, then, while Dave sat in the big leather chair and watched the US Open (won by my future son in law Rory McIlroy---Rory, please call Annie McKeon today...her mom will make her marry you) his faithful wife trekked to Sam's Club to stock up for the month she will be gone. I saw both Stacy AND Tina Lampe there.  Sam's Club...the place to be on Father's Day...and they can both attest to the massive amounts of total and absolute shit in my cart(s). It was a two flat bed, one cart, four figure trip...Who knew bagel bites were so expensive? For the next month my kids will be living on bottled water, green tea, diet soda, bagel bites (millions of them), bacon, kit kats, snickers, twix, fruit by the foot, microwave popcorn, chips, bananas and strip steak. (Maybe it was a mistake taking Chris and Pete with me to "pick out" the food) Oh, and I bought some eggs (like 5 dozen) for Dave "4 hr body" McKeon.

Then, Dave McKeon went out and played golf with his four sons, (only nine holes because after a while their shidiocy starts to get on his nerves...understandably so) while his wife put away ALL the junk food and he came home for a nice steak dinner (high protein all the way). Then he opened (using this term loosely because the boys refuse to wrap gifts and just put them in a big bag with a bow on it) many fine, fine gifts including but not limited to two golf shirts from St. Andrews, some shorts that actually fit his slimmer physique, some Brooks Brothers non iron shirts (can never get enough of these essentials), and some golf stuff....I always come through. Once again, wife of the year...Happy Father's Day...

Now, enough about us, on to the challenge. Nice job by John and Judy, many great allusions and just a plethora of entries. These two really cleaned up tonight, because of the quantity of entries. Please, Stacy, Sue, Tricia and Brenna, don't let this become a two man competition. The points will keep increasing for these last two challenges....Let's jump on this.  OK, enough with the rambling lectures, let's score this bad boy...(In the interest of full disclosure, Judge Wendy didn't like any of these allusions, and to be honest, she hated the whole challenge and kept saying things like: "I don't get this one" "What is Kodachrome?" "Why would there be zeros at a Star Trek Convention?"....so the judging is a little skewed...sorry..).
Quantity points--remember, these were doubled: Judy 68, John 20, Tricia 8, Stacy 2...on to quality
Number 10: John for the Junior College/Obama entry...10 points
Number 9:  John for the Catholic School one--20 points--I'm feeling your pain--20 points
Number 8--Judy for the "McGill is the Harvard of Canada". I don't know why, but it made me laugh...30 points
Number 7--Judy for the 7th grade nun/Sybil one--40 points
Number 6--John for the "more zeros than a Star Trek convention.." I thought this was VERY funny--50 points
Number 5: Judy for the "McKeon Sanford and sons" one--60 points
Number 4: Tricia for the "Carl/Giuliani's kid" one--70 points
Number 3 Judy for the "smoking weed/Pat Boone/snoop dog one...for some reason this made me laugh pretty hard--80 points
Number 2:: John for rhe "Calc 3/Louis" entry--super well done and way to come full circle with the blog. 90 big points for you
Number 1: Stacy, Stacy, Stacy--everyone LOVED the Martha Stewart/Laurie McKeon allusion...it was flat out great and gave you...100 points...102 with your doubled up quantity points...just think how many points you could have had if you'd only had a few more entries....ok, ok, I'll stop already...

Now for today's totals AND real time total competition totals thus far:
Judy: 278 for today--a new blog record and just a shit load of points bringing your total to--746!!! and you are currently in first place....
John: 190 for today, excellent work AND you are right behind Judy with 730 points...this is going to be a flat out duel...I'm excited to see how this cliff hanger ends
Stacy: 102 for tonight and 463 total--you are still in this hunt, sister. Trust me...the next two challenges are HUGE and will be judged accordingly
Tricia: 78 for tonight and 441 total points--again, still well within striking distance. Keep it up.
Kim/Brenna: no entry for tonight but 301 total points--you are still in this and have been a valiant competitor. stay with me, here
Sue: 110 total points---I'm going to have to level with you...it's going to be tough for you to take this, but not impossible....big points will be awarded for being first in the next two challenges, Two first place entries, and that necklace is yours....the real question is: how badly do you want it???
Kristi and JoeL: you both started strong, but then faded....you have 31 and 21 points respectively...not an impossible  victory, but .....(I should make some sort of allusion here, but really can't muster one up, as I've moved on to the next challenge...) So, that's the tally board as of tonight. The next two challenges will make or break the contest for you all. I'm on the edge of my seat....

Here is tonight's challenge: Create an acrostic poem (one of those that spells out a name going down and then has a line starting with each letter describing the name) about either a 50s, 60s 70s ish lounge singer OR a Catholic saint.  (with all the great info you learned in the Holy and Lowly contest, this should be a piece of cake) Here is an example:
L-oves sequins
I-nteraction with the fans made him beloved
B-orn in West Allis, Wisconsin
E-lizabeth the Queen was a fan
R-epublican, believe it or not
A-crimonious split from his "body guard/boyfriend"
C-andelabra was his signature prop
E-ntertainer who was paid the most during the 50s-70s (according to wikipedia)

There you go. This shouldn't be too hard, ...should it, Stacy?  Remember, Judge Wendy is ready for something really clever, as she was none to happy with my last challenge.  Let's make her happy....

I'd do a top ten, but I've GOT to get this thing posted...I've got some homework to do...

RIP REAL FAKE HOUSEWIVES

Man, I think this was my favorite challenge. These epitaphs were hysterical. I was LMAO!! Let's just cut to the the chase...John was ridiculously good at this. I mean crazy good. I would totally have him write my epitaph, if I didn't already have it all set. (In case you all were wondering, and you know you were, here is my own self created personal epitaph--and I'm only a little kidding: "She was clean"--that's all I want it to say. It's enough and sums up very succinctly the essence of my whole existence. Judge Wendy's will say "She was REALLY clean"...and after you stop crying over our tragic demise, and marvelling at our perfect epitaphs, then you can throw our ashes into Torch Lake with the rest of our family...Please don't tell the Michigan DNR--or the Catholic church for that matter--because both of these bureaucracies seem to  frown on the whole practice of disposing of  human ashes into nature..pfft--it's been done before--once or twice.  Someday I will share with you all of the shameful details of the time that Dave McKeon was trying to unobtrusively dispose of some Giunti family ashes into Torch Lake while pedalling a powder blue paddle boat in the pouring rain---just get the visual. It was like a scene from a Zach Galafinakas movie...Once again, is it any surprise that the Giunti family could totally bitch up what should have been a very touching, solemn, respectful moment?)

Before I tally today's scores, I must relay that I had the pleasure of meeting John and Tricia's oldest daughter today. She is just lovely and noted that her parents really enjoyed the blog. I was touched by her comments. and assume she takes after her mother, because during our entire conversation (I was laying on a chaise lounge next to the pool--my standard summer pose) she did not utter a single word of profanity OR a right wing diatribe. It is very refreshing to see such a polite, well mannered, well spoken young person (Don't I sound like someone's eighty year old grandma?? I swear, I have totally become that old lady who is constantly chiding "these kids today" and reminiscing about "back when I was a girl...."--seriously, just this morning I had like an hour long conversation with my friend Casey about "back when I was a kid no one was driving me anywhere in the summer. If I couldn't ride my bike, I didn't go. And no grown up ever gave a shit about keeping me amused in the summer....ever....we spent our whole summer ducking the adults so that no one could make us mow the lawn or weed the yard...blah, blah, blah...") But anyhow, nice work, Heinzmanns, your daughter is aces. Tell her to keep those iced teas coming and she will be rewarded handsomely. 

Here is the next little side note I want to get out there. (just delaying the scoring inevitability) Did anyone else read the latest GQ? You really should because it is honestly one of the best, funniest magazines ever printed. But in this month's edition, they have a quiz to determine if you are a p*$$&-- no lie.  It is crazy funny, but I do need to point out--I totally invented the whole "You know you are a p*$$& if..." thing. You know it's true.  I don't mind GQ stealing my stuff, but I do hope that all of you will set the record straight, should somebody ask "Hey, who started this whole p*$$& mania?" Because we all know that it was me...or really, it was Dave McKeon... After this latest challenge I will once again return to my roots and start quoting the always cutting edge Dave McKeon.  If it's good enough for GQ, hell yes, it's good enough for me.

Now, without further delay ( I swear, I need some adderal to keep me focused) here are tonight's results: Quantity points first: John and Judy--each get 20, Tricia 6, Stacy 4, Brenna and Sue each get 2. That's the easy part. Now, I have to score the quality ...this is going to get a little crazy, but I must adhere to the rules---Really clean judge Wendy is making me--so here are the top ten starting with number 10
Number 10: John's "Makeover in Peace, Ramona"---so funny, and pretty impressive for a non Housewife watcher  10 points
Number 9: John's "Profanity, R rated" long one--20 points
Number 8: John's "Bethany Frankel, size 4 bikini one" --30 points--I'm sorry, but the judges call them like they see them and John was scarily good at this challenge
Number 7: Tricia's "Ramona the Flake"--so,so  funny-- 40 points
Number 6: Kim's "Mob wives"--it was quite well done, but Judge Wendy docked you a few spots because the Mob Wives are really not "Real Housewives"--actually, you should probably feel pretty good about NOT knowing much about these psychos...so enjoy your 50 points.
Number 5: Judy Pulera's " Been there, Done that"--funny, right to the point and worth 60 big points
Number 4: Suechi's "Housewives/no morals one" --strong, solid message. A surprising pick of the male judges--70 points for this one
Number 3: Stacy's "insides real, outsides have had some work" one--Stacy never fails to impress the judges. And in reply to John's request for speed points, I just have to say...sorry, that was the last contest. Everyone has a strategy and this is Stacy's. Let the game play out as it will...80 points for her
Number 2: Tricia's "Countess LuAnn"--this was my personal favorite--I hate that big phony Countess (Also, Tricia--loved the Kyle Richards one, too...you and John should go into the epitaphs business...) 90 points for this effort
Number 1: A big, big hit with Judge Wendy and the boys (and Brenna, too,) John's "Al Quada" one.--this was just very solid work, making some terrific word choices and adding a few verses went a long way. 100 whopping points for John. The Heinzmann's totally cleaned up tonight. All Heinzmann all day....Way to tag team today's challenge. Well played.
For those of you who aren't keeping track in your heads of tonight's total point break down (basically for everyone except Stacy) Here is how tonight shook out:
John: 180 points---super impressive score tonight. But the pressure is on to keep up this high level of performance.  Three challenges to go.  Can he sustain it??
Tricia: 136 points--a great night's work. Way to keep John on his toes.
Stacy: 84 points for you--always a good effort. Now's the time to turn up the heat.
Sue: 72 points---nice to have you back in the hunt. There is still plenty of time to take over this thing.
Judy: 80 total points for you. Let's bring it home in style. I have no doubt that you will kick to the finish.
Brenna: 52 points for tonight--sorry about the technicality, but you made your mark last night, and I'm sure you will do it again.

Now, here is tonight's challenge and remember, no post for tomorrow. So you have almost two full days to get your entries in....Please write a sentence or phrase about school (very timely for me) that includes an allusion. For those of you who do not recall what an allusion is, allow me to refresh your recollection: an allusion is a reference to a famous person or event in life or literature like:  The Ohio State University is like the Gomer Pyle of the Big Ten or His study habits resembled those of Huck Finn...or something like that. This should be interesting because allusion can be tricky. Please refrain from stealing shit off of the internet....this contest is all about original work. Thank you.

To kick off your weekend, Here are today's Top Ten:

1. GQ's article about that 22 year old who pretended to be a high school sophomore
2. Rory McIlroy--just amazing...I want him to win the US Open
3. Congressional Country Club--wish I was hanging out at that club---it's just beautiful
4. White jeans---for chicks.  Sorry, but only a few dudes can carry this look off--odds are you are not one of them. Trust me on this.
5. The medium stainless steel buckets from Hobby Lobby---they have a million uses and cost like $3.99
6. The Cubs--beat the Yankees today--nice start to the weekend
7. Babalot Tennis Racquet's--used by Nadal (and the McKeon boys)
8. The Boston Bruins--way to keep the cup in the US
9. The 'smores creme brulee at Ashlings on the Lake--they hardly ever have it, but it is life changing
10. The p*$$& quiz in GQ--read it today.

Remember, no challenge tomorrow--hone your allusions and post them up. Enjoy the weekend, Happy almost Father's Day.

ALLITERATION IS ALIVE!!

Very well done tonight. There were several fine, fine, side splitting entries that had the judges in stitches. I only wish that we could pick more than five winners...Oh that's right!! We can. So, here's the deal for tonight. We are picking the TEN best entries and awarding points accordingly. (100 points for the best, 90 for number 2--you get the idea) I wasn't lying when I said that it is indeed anybody's game. With this new scoring system, the door is WIDE open...Start rushing through it,people...

AND this just in:  Judge Wendy has indeed ruled that non alliterative prepositions in your alliterative sentences are just fine--Brenna dodged a bullet there, and her gamble totally paid off. (Spoiler alert: Brenna does quite well in the scoring tonight--Judge Wendy loved her stuff) So, without further ado, here are the day's tallies:
First: quantity--remember, they are doubled:
Tricia: 22, John 20, Judy 18, Brenna 18, Stacy 2 (where oh where is Suechi?? I thought she would kill in this competiton)
Now, for quality:
Number 10: Tricia's "Amber/teen mom" one--10 points
Number 9: Judy's "Hef's healthy heart..." 20 points
Number 8: John's "Scotty" one--I enjoyed this more that Judge Wendy....(little aside: I'm so sorry, John, but the male judges were unavailable tonight due to a marathon basketball game....the judges was just a little chick friendly tonight...I promise to chain them to their chairs tomorrow and force them to judge the entries)  30 points for this
Number 7: Brenna's "hoarder' one...creepy, but very good...40 big points
Number 6: Tricia's "Bandana Bret" one--well done and worth 50 points
Number 5: John's "Ozzie Osbourne" one...great use of vowels  60 points
Number 4: Stacy's "Bachelorette" one--maybe Stacy is now regretting just having one entry, ...maybe not..She still gets 70 big points
Number 3: Tricia's "Eden early exit..." this was super timely, very clever and I am totally freaked out by that Toddler and Tiara thing...80 whopping points...Tricia is cleaning up...woohoo
Number 2: Judy's "Sarah Ferguson" one--just hysterical. I loved, loved. loved this one.
Number 1: Brenna's " Tila Tequila" one--Judge Wendy raved about this one and it was very, very well done.
To recap and total tonight's points...because they were flying fast and furious:
John: 110 big, big points tonight
Stacy: 72 points for tonight
Judy: 128 points for the night
Tricia: 152 just huge points
Brenna/Kim: redemption is yours--158 WHOPPING points for the night
What a great night for all!! I have not yet done a grand total, so I have no idea actually where anyone stands, but I bet it's kind of close....We are now on the down hill stretch...bring your A game, because that necklace is so worth it...

Here is tonight's challenge...and I'm pretty sure the same complicated scoring grid will apply, so plan for major points. Write an epitaph for any (or all) of the Real Housewives (any city, any crazy housewife) Remember: an epitaph is one of those phrases that they put on a tombstone...they usually rhyme. Here are some examples I stole off the internet, because I am too tired to think up a good one using an actual Housewife (I did think up a bad one--see below) so, here are a few:
In a London cemetery

Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery

The children of Israel wanted bread

And the Lord sent them manna,

Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna

 

These are very good....Here is mine:

Here lies that stupid Alex

the Housewife no one likes

Her husband is a flamer

And someone should taze her tykes

Ok, it's not that great, but that Alex from the New York Housewives is just so odd, and her kids are just nuts Again, I'm sure you all will do much better...good, good luck. And please--original work only...I'm trusted you fellas...don't let me down.