Before I tally today's scores, I must relay that I had the pleasure of meeting John and Tricia's oldest daughter today. She is just lovely and noted that her parents really enjoyed the blog. I was touched by her comments. and assume she takes after her mother, because during our entire conversation (I was laying on a chaise lounge next to the pool--my standard summer pose) she did not utter a single word of profanity OR a right wing diatribe. It is very refreshing to see such a polite, well mannered, well spoken young person (Don't I sound like someone's eighty year old grandma?? I swear, I have totally become that old lady who is constantly chiding "these kids today" and reminiscing about "back when I was a girl...."--seriously, just this morning I had like an hour long conversation with my friend Casey about "back when I was a kid no one was driving me anywhere in the summer. If I couldn't ride my bike, I didn't go. And no grown up ever gave a shit about keeping me amused in the summer....ever....we spent our whole summer ducking the adults so that no one could make us mow the lawn or weed the yard...blah, blah, blah...") But anyhow, nice work, Heinzmanns, your daughter is aces. Tell her to keep those iced teas coming and she will be rewarded handsomely.
Here is the next little side note I want to get out there. (just delaying the scoring inevitability) Did anyone else read the latest GQ? You really should because it is honestly one of the best, funniest magazines ever printed. But in this month's edition, they have a quiz to determine if you are a p*$$&-- no lie. It is crazy funny, but I do need to point out--I totally invented the whole "You know you are a p*$$& if..." thing. You know it's true. I don't mind GQ stealing my stuff, but I do hope that all of you will set the record straight, should somebody ask "Hey, who started this whole p*$$& mania?" Because we all know that it was me...or really, it was Dave McKeon... After this latest challenge I will once again return to my roots and start quoting the always cutting edge Dave McKeon. If it's good enough for GQ, hell yes, it's good enough for me.
Now, without further delay ( I swear, I need some adderal to keep me focused) here are tonight's results: Quantity points first: John and Judy--each get 20, Tricia 6, Stacy 4, Brenna and Sue each get 2. That's the easy part. Now, I have to score the quality ...this is going to get a little crazy, but I must adhere to the rules---Really clean judge Wendy is making me--so here are the top ten starting with number 10
Number 10: John's "Makeover in Peace, Ramona"---so funny, and pretty impressive for a non Housewife watcher 10 points
Number 9: John's "Profanity, R rated" long one--20 points
Number 8: John's "Bethany Frankel, size 4 bikini one" --30 points--I'm sorry, but the judges call them like they see them and John was scarily good at this challenge
Number 7: Tricia's "Ramona the Flake"--so,so funny-- 40 points
Number 6: Kim's "Mob wives"--it was quite well done, but Judge Wendy docked you a few spots because the Mob Wives are really not "Real Housewives"--actually, you should probably feel pretty good about NOT knowing much about these psychos...so enjoy your 50 points.
Number 5: Judy Pulera's " Been there, Done that"--funny, right to the point and worth 60 big points
Number 4: Suechi's "Housewives/no morals one" --strong, solid message. A surprising pick of the male judges--70 points for this one
Number 3: Stacy's "insides real, outsides have had some work" one--Stacy never fails to impress the judges. And in reply to John's request for speed points, I just have to say...sorry, that was the last contest. Everyone has a strategy and this is Stacy's. Let the game play out as it will...80 points for her
Number 2: Tricia's "Countess LuAnn"--this was my personal favorite--I hate that big phony Countess (Also, Tricia--loved the Kyle Richards one, too...you and John should go into the epitaphs business...) 90 points for this effort
Number 1: A big, big hit with Judge Wendy and the boys (and Brenna, too,) John's "Al Quada" one.--this was just very solid work, making some terrific word choices and adding a few verses went a long way. 100 whopping points for John. The Heinzmann's totally cleaned up tonight. All Heinzmann all day....Way to tag team today's challenge. Well played.
For those of you who aren't keeping track in your heads of tonight's total point break down (basically for everyone except Stacy) Here is how tonight shook out:
John: 180 points---super impressive score tonight. But the pressure is on to keep up this high level of performance. Three challenges to go. Can he sustain it??
Tricia: 136 points--a great night's work. Way to keep John on his toes.
Stacy: 84 points for you--always a good effort. Now's the time to turn up the heat.
Sue: 72 points---nice to have you back in the hunt. There is still plenty of time to take over this thing.
Judy: 80 total points for you. Let's bring it home in style. I have no doubt that you will kick to the finish.
Brenna: 52 points for tonight--sorry about the technicality, but you made your mark last night, and I'm sure you will do it again.
Now, here is tonight's challenge and remember, no post for tomorrow. So you have almost two full days to get your entries in....Please write a sentence or phrase about school (very timely for me) that includes an allusion. For those of you who do not recall what an allusion is, allow me to refresh your recollection: an allusion is a reference to a famous person or event in life or literature like: The Ohio State University is like the Gomer Pyle of the Big Ten or His study habits resembled those of Huck Finn...or something like that. This should be interesting because allusion can be tricky. Please refrain from stealing shit off of the internet....this contest is all about original work. Thank you.
To kick off your weekend, Here are today's Top Ten:
- GQ's article about that 22 year old who pretended to be a high school sophomore
- Rory McIlroy--just amazing...I want him to win the US Open
- Congressional Country Club--wish I was hanging out at that club---it's just beautiful
- White jeans---for chicks. Sorry, but only a few dudes can carry this look off--odds are you are not one of them. Trust me on this.
- The medium stainless steel buckets from Hobby Lobby---they have a million uses and cost like $3.99
- The Cubs--beat the Yankees today--nice start to the weekend
- Babalot Tennis Racquet's--used by Nadal (and the McKeon boys)
- The Boston Bruins--way to keep the cup in the US
- The 'smores creme brulee at Ashlings on the Lake--they hardly ever have it, but it is life changing
- The p*$$& quiz in GQ--read it today.
Finding a virgin in college is like finding a hair on Yul Brynner during a run of The King and I.
ReplyDeleteJunior colleges are like Barack Obama, you don't want to be there for four years.
ReplyDeleteLaurie McKeon is like the prodigal daughter of Notre Dame.
ReplyDeleteBefore Butler fired him, Brad Stevens was a real life Don Quixote.
ReplyDeleteAfter one week as a Tri-Delt, Heather was like Cheers; everybody knows her name.
ReplyDeleteNo need to apologize Laurie. I am still riding high after yesterdays challenge.! Frankly, it's really not about the prize at the end for me I would do this even if there wasn't a prize( although I do love my. I am having some serious fun. I'm not sure what that says about me but one thing I know for sure I probably should get out more.
ReplyDeleteReally as I see it the competition is between Judy and John. Of course I don't want to leave out Tricia,Stacy or Sue. But just on quantity alone its their game and there is some pretty fine quality as well.
Thanks Brenna....I agree...I've enjoyed the blog waaaaay too much also!
ReplyDeleteSorry to everyone for being raunchy at times on the epitaphs.....don't always know what the judges are looking for...took my chances and decided to walk on the raunchy side!
Laurie....I have my new GQ but I haven't opened it yet.
The fraternity was put on double secret probation for having more zeros than a Star Trek convention.
ReplyDeleteI always amazed me in HS, that when certain students were causing problems, some teachers became Helen Keller.
ReplyDeleteWhen I think about high school the first thing that comes to mind is Kodachrome.
ReplyDeleteNice work Heinzmann - should I even bother?
ReplyDeleteBrenna - thanks for sharing your gin flu illness with me, yesterday was a rough one.
Laurie - watch out for Kimberly - if you get her talking no there is no off button. When she was little our secret nickname for her was Never Shut Up Barbie - this is true. Thank you for the kind comments. I did my best - any inappropriate things she says or does obviously come from her father.
For me, passing Calculus 3 would be like Louis winning Skylar.
ReplyDeleteRemember those electrical sets you could buy at stores like radio shack. The sets had a bunch of springs and you would hook wires to them to build circuits based on different diagrams. Well, in second grade I got in big trouble one day cause my friend and I pulled a "Tim the Tool Man" Taylor with one. This is a true story. We wanted more power so I brought a lamp cord from home, hooked it to a couple of springs and plugged it in. Kind of shocking isn't it? On a side note I still remember my teacher, Mrs. Knight, she is the only teacher from grade school I remember. She was hot!
ReplyDeleteWhen my kids went to Catholic school I thought I was living with Oliver Twist.
ReplyDeleteI had a teacher in HS that was so boring that he made Ben Stein (from Ferris Buehller's Day Off) seem like Chris Farley.
ReplyDeleteThe girls in our dorm made "Girls Gone Wild" look like a convent.
ReplyDeleteWhen the McKeon vehicle is packed up and heading to Notre Dame, you'd swear it was Sanford and Son.
ReplyDeleteThe kids in out HS smoked so much dope, they made Snopp Dogg look like Pat Boone.
ReplyDeleteHow come the dude's who drive the campus security vehicles always look like Barney Fife?
ReplyDeleteWhile watching men's college tennis, no one plays like a McEnroe.
ReplyDeleteThose living in my house could learn a lesson from the Delta Tau Chi boys.
ReplyDeleteBarbarino & Horshack had more fans in four years than Obama will have in his four.
ReplyDeleteJohn golfed so well today he could be an instructor at Leadbetter.
ReplyDeleteCopying Carl Spackler’s boorish acts cost Giuliani his spot on Duke’s Golf Team.
ReplyDeleteSister Jovita, my 7th grade teacher at St. George grade school, had so many personalities we used to call her Sybil!
ReplyDeleteOf all my theology teachers and professors, no one was a MONK MALLOY!
ReplyDeleteMath majors are definitely in " A League of Their Own!"
ReplyDeleteHow come all of the school lunch ladies resemble Aunt Bea?
ReplyDeleteHaPpY FaThErS DaY to all the other Dad's on the blog. Great day of GOLF at Hawksview in LG. Thanks Tricia!
ReplyDeleteMy Astonomy Class Professor showed an awesome video of Constellations across the Milky Way. It was a real "Star Trek."
ReplyDeleteIn Roman History we studied how the Romans under Julius Caesar wreaked their revenge on Greeks. it might have been called the "Empire Strikes Back."
ReplyDeleteIn American History Class we studied about the U.S. supreme Court. Until Sandra Day O'Connor was appointed, it was just a group of "Grumpy Old Men."
ReplyDeleteMy roommate gave me so e great tips on how to get more college money from my mom and dad. She called it the "Parent Trap."
ReplyDeleteWe had a bad storm last week and the wind blew my term paper right off of my desk. It was "Gone Withthe Wind."
ReplyDeleteMy roommate and I just got done painting our apartment at college. We thought the walls were going to be lavender, but it dried too dark and all we could see was "The Color Purple."
ReplyDeleteAs June finally arrived, the kids began to realize that "school is out for summer! "
ReplyDeleteBobby took the class, tried his best and still failed. Just " one more child left behind."
ReplyDeleteThe students assembled into the classroom for the big exam, all neatly organized like" bricks in the wall."
ReplyDeleteMy Greek History study group was about as motivated as " The Breakfast Club."
ReplyDeleteMy English Lit study group was so bad that we were called "The Dead Poet's Society."
ReplyDeleteMy Chemistry Professor failed so many students that he became known as "The Terminator."
ReplyDeleteMy grades were so low that I felt like the "Titanic."
ReplyDeleteI stammered so badly in Debate Class, the professor thought I was auditioning for the role of George VI in "The King's Speech."
ReplyDeleteThe dorm rules were so strict, that I thought I was reliving "The Ten Commandments."
ReplyDeleteThe cafeteria food at school was so bad, I'd rather eat "Fried, Green Tomatoes."
ReplyDeleteMy roommate was so different than I was that we quickly became known as "The Odd Couple."
ReplyDeleteMy history teacher made " The Absent- Minded Professor" seem like "Thor."
ReplyDeleteLaurie McKeon using a dormitory bathroom is like Martha Stewart showering at the Yogi Bear campground.
ReplyDeleteMcGill University is the Harvard of Canada.
ReplyDeleteLast semesters Gateway Technical College's grads were as sharp and intellectually probing as Dan Quayle.
ReplyDeleteThe students at UW-Madison make W.C.Fields look like a teetotaler.
ReplyDeleteEven though my friend did not belong to a fraternity, he still lived in an "Animal House " atmosphere.
ReplyDeleteSunday morrnings at any frat house look like "The Hangover" .
ReplyDeleteThere will be a new version of "Back to School.". Only this version will star Laurie McKeon(not Rodney Dangerfield). She will be going back to Notre Dame in an attempt to raise the bar for grades in the McKeon Family to stratospheric levels.
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ReplyDeleteI hope that Judge Wendy has an English degree because I'm afraid many of these are not really allusions, mine included. There is a fine line between a metaphor, a simple comparison and an allusion and hell if I can tell the difference.
ReplyDeleteJust pick mine!
ReplyDelete