HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Admit it. You thought I was never going to post again, didn't you? You couldn't get so lucky.  I was taking a much needed break and spending some quality time with my.... kindle....(you thought I was going to  say with my kids, didn't you?) The kindle is a little compact miracle that I grow to love more each day. The kids, well, they're ok, too.  But now, after my little rest,  I am back in the blogosphere and ready to post it up for the foreseeable future. I have quickly realized that the only way I am going to make it through what appears to be a very long and cold winter is to immediately plan a Spring Break Trip and to blog my way along for amusement and profit. Amusement from you, my fun and funny followers, --do not let me down...and profit from that book deal that I am certain is looming on the not yet visible, but soon to materialize book deal horizon...( I feel that 2011 is my lucky year....as they say on Wheel of Fortune "c'mon, big money").

Speaking of amusement, do you all remember the photo that was mentioned during the Fit Club Challenge of Mr.Brian FF Pond kissing Sarah Palin? Well guess what? That photo really exists and I have a copy of it. I am inserting right here into my blog for all to see. (Please note and quietly applaud right now, in the privacy of your home, office or car the enormous upgrade in technological skills I am showing by inserting this photo into my blog.. Yes, I am impressed too...a new year, a new techno savvy me...You're welcome.

I personally cannot get enough of this photo. That is really Sarah Palin and that is really Brian Pond. Note that they are both ball cap aficionados....hmm...Man, this could be the start of something big...I am totally putting it out there that if any of you have any photos, no matter how stupid or incriminating that involve anyone we even remotely know kissing a celebrity or even a psuedo celebrity, those photos had better end up coming to this blog. I mean it. It is these "brush  with greatness" moments that will put this blog on the cyber map and reel in the ever elusive book deal....To the Ponds, I thank you for the photo and sharing your special moment with all of us. To the rest of you, let's go. Don't let the Ponds make you look like unimpressive, non celebrity kissing losers....get those photos coming....

So, Happy New Year. Bring it on, 2011. Thanks to the Burberry Fit Club Challenge, my pants still fit. Despite the Burberry Fit Club Challenge (TWO Burberry scarves and awesome consolation prizes?,...Laurie, you are too much), I still have a few pesos in my checking account, so all in all, I am eager and ready to meet and greet the New Year. I have made only one resolution this year, (which is one more than I made last year) but it is a good one:  I am giving up profanity. I mean it, I am going to work like crazy (see? I could have said "H*LL", but didn't ) to eliminate the cursing...especially the f-bomb. I have found that I am dropping it more and  more frequently, and I fear that people may interpret my constant stream of profanity as an indication of a low vocabulary. This could not be further from the truth...Hey, I took the GRE last month (this will be fodder for another post, trust me) and a low vocabulary is not my issue. (negative exponents, absolute values squared, enormous three variable equations turned into two page fractions?...that's my issue.) So, to class up the blog and show my verbal prowess, I am refraining from blatant and gratuitous expletives.

Allow me to clarify: As my New Year's resolution for 2011, I am giving up profanity. However, there will be a few exceptions and I just want to get them out there, so you all are not calling me out on ever tiny, knit picking cuss word. The following situational profanity is allowable:

• Crap is not a bad word. I will try not to use it a lot because it is a lazy word, but it is not a bad word....
• The P*$$y List keeps its name. I'm quoting someone, so it doesn't count. Don't worry, Dave McKeon took almost a full week off over the Holidays, and thus provided plenty more items for the list. Just ask Casey Ferraro and Laurie Rafferty. You spend 10 minutes with Dave and the list grows..
• Any other "quotes" of other people's profanity does not count, especially if I am quoting Tommy from "Rescue Me".
• "Hell" can go either way.  I will be the judge of when it is appropriate
• "Shidiot" is not profanity
• If someone does something just extraordinarily stupid, and you know it is going to happen, I am allowed to use an asterisk in the expletive that will be necessary in these rare circumstances.
• When the police pick up Pete McKeon for some shidiocy, (and you know it's going to happen) I am allowed to swear at him until his ears bleed
• If Notre Dame ever gets beat by Tulsa in any sport ever again, heavy profanity is absolutely permissible.
• If an anvil, piano, bank safe or any other super heavy object falls on my head or foot, I am allowed to swear like a sailor
• If I am in the middle of a particularly difficult Boot Camp session, I can let the occasional curse word slip...What happens at Boot Camp, Stays at Boot Camp,  right, Judy?
• Words that sound like profanity "freaking, fricking, frigging, darn it, mother puss bucket, etc..." are allowed in small doses...the more creative, the better
• Taking the Lord's name in vain is off limits....this will be difficult, but I will try hard
• If I suddenly find out some super shocking news (but it has to be really shocking, like: I'm pregnant, Annie's joined a cult in London, Chris makes the Deans List, Modern Family gets cancelled, Daniel Tosh is really a woman...) a few expletives are allowed.

Other than that, I'm speaking on the straight and narrow. Only clean, fresh, smart and chipper words will be coming out of my mouth and off of my fingers. On to a new and better me, on to a new and better year.

Okay, I know that it has been a while, so I just want to remind you all how this whole blog thing works. I write/post some highly entertaining, high quality stuff, including super photos like the one above. You read the stuff, log on and send me back some comments. It's just like what you all did during the Burberry Fit Club Challenge, BUT there is no incentive involved (other than making me laugh). I think you are all mature enough, kind enough and engaged enough to  post up a comment now and then, without having to be bribed. Moreover, maybe a few of you could convince some of your equally witty and nongraft loving friends to check out the blog as well. C'mon, you can do it...We will see how this whole "mature, honor system" thing goes, and if you are all good, (followers, comments and photos) I will run some new incentive laden challenge in the late winter. When we will all really need it, but until then, just keep reading, commenting, following and SENDING IN PICTURES OF PEOPLE KISSING FAMOUS PEOPLE....please. Thanks.

ps--To Angela Fitzpatrick: You kissing Brendan on his return from Afghanistan totally counts as a "famous kissing" photo.  Do not disappoint.

Today's Top Ten--(somethings will not change in this new year)

1. The Kindle--it truly is amazing. I am not kidding.
2. "Pretty Little Liars"--it is back on tonight with the season premiere
3. Blue Mercury in Lake Forest--has many great facial products for men and women...ask for Linda, she knows everything 
4. "Children Playing Before a Statue of Hercules" --a Book of Short stories endorsed by David Sedaris.
5. Sue Chiappetta--she and Emily are totally stocking up Annie McKeon for her trip to London. I am VERY grateful
6. Jack McKeon--got into Notre Dame AND put all the Christmas decorations up.
7. Those white rappers from Maine who sing that mash up song that mixes the theme from the show "Rugrats" with a bunch of rap stuff...sorry, I can't remember their names, but it's a great song.
8. True Grit-the new version of the movie, or the old one
9. The "kissing Sarah Palin" photo
10. 2011--the year of the Book Deal

AND THE WINNER IS....

Sorry that it took me until 3:30 central standard time to put up this all important, life changing, Burberry award winning post. I have had a very busy last few days and it has been difficult to find the requisite time to give this Burberry Fitness Challenge Victory post its fair due. Before I announce the winner, I have a few things to say.

First of all, this challenge has been a blast for me, way more fun that I had even anticipated and I want to thank you all for that. This Burberry Fit Club Challenge proved to be a very festive way to gear up for the Holidays and while I did not lose the 10 pounds I had hoped for, I certainly didn't gain any weight and even lost a few. That plus the 10, 700 hits I now have (!!!!) is a huge victory for me. Secondly, you are all great sports. I really appreciate your willingness to get involved in the challenge, to keep the snappy comments coming, to stick with the diet and exercise tips and to interact with one another. I loved the witty repartee and all the back and forth. I promise you at some point we will have a Fit Club Bash and bring all of you together. Louis and Judy need to do a push up throw down at the very least.  Angela, let me know when you are in town and we will set it up. You, too, Louis. It wouldn't be the same without you guys....

Finally, as the Challenge developed, I quickly realized that there would be many worthy contenders. It was purely a strategic move on my part to bring the popular vote into the mix because I seriously was trying to find a somewhat objective way to figure out a winner. About two weeks ago, I invested in some "runner up" gifts to honor those who made a valiant effort in the Burberry Fit Club Challenge, but may not be declared the scarf winner. Then, a few days ago, in a moment of panic and/or clarity and/or genius and/or stupidity  (take your pick depending on your feelings about the outcome of the Challenge or if you are Dave McKeon and have to pay my bills....), I ordered a second Burberry scarf because I seriously was not sure if I could choose a sole winner...So, now, today, I will be awarding prizes to:  Four Honorable Mentions, A Second Runner Up, A First Runner Up and Two Grand Champions. Yeah, you read that right. I am giving out EIGHT, count them, EIGHT, very cool prizes (only two are scarves, but the other ones are FREAKING AWESOME!!!)

Small, but important aside: If you go onto the internet, you will see many so called "Burberry" sites that sell purported "Burberry" stuff, including scarves. Guess what? They are fakes, even the one that looks like the actual Burberry website. I just want each and everyone of you to understand that the scarves won in the Burberry Fitness Challenge are the genuine, certified real deal....no knock offs, no fakies, no nothing. These are for real....and while I probably could have passed off a fake or two, those of you who know me well, know that I could never do it, because while you may not have known, I would have, and frankly, it would have driven me crazy....So, to the very special winners, you've got yourself one heck of a scarf...don't lose it....you're welcome.

Now, back to the Challenge results... Before I announce the winner, I want each and everyone of you to know that I love you all equally and every single one of you is a champ in my book, but there are only so many scarves I can keep under Dave McKeons' radar and I think two is my limit. With out further ado, I present to you, the winners of the First Annual (? !) Burberry Fit Club Challenge starting  with the

FOUR HONORABLE MENTIONS:

• Mrs. Sarge Lampe--Because she has consistently been the kindest and most encouraging competitor, along with being Miss Congeniality, Tina Lampe wins a very cool "Read and Feed" Bag from Project FEED. This is a special tote bag that when purchased, provides a donation to a child in a developing country with three school meals and three local language books. (Read and Feed--get it?) Pretty swift, huh? Your inspiring weight loss provides food for hungry kids in Africa and books to boot...told you they were cool consolation gifts
• Emily Chiappetta--Emily has proven to be a great sister, great competitor, and a fun inspiration. (marathon, anyone?) Always quick with the comment, Emily wins the white FEED T-shirt, which when purchased, provides 10 meals to a school aged child in the developing world. It's a very cute shirt, Emily, and makes a very fine statement about your fitness level and commitment to world hunger.
• Katey Caspar--Katey just makes me laugh. She has a great attitude, admits her caloric failings, and got kind of hammered at our school auction, because she did not have enough food in her system. Katey wins the black FEED t-shirt, because to be honest, the white one looks a little see through and, no offense, Katey, but Emily may be able to pull off the "see through" t-shirt look a little easier than you....being a mom and all,you don't want to embarass your boys with a "super, slutty mom outfit"
• FF, Brian Pond--Because Brian totally cracked me up, and because he has the best name, and because he was the only other competitor besides me eating donuts, I award him a men's black FEED T-shirt (but it looks super small, so you may have to give it to Jordan....sorry, but on the up side, some African kid gets 10 meals....possibly donuts?) 

Nicely done Honorable Mentions, now ON TO OUR RUNNERS' UP:

• SECOND RUNNER UP-- Maggie Nickels--she commented all the way from a foreign country, she vaccinated el ninos, she will be living in a Jesus shrine, AND she got a shitload of votes, courtesy of Louis. Though she did not comment as much as others, her comments were high quality and her vote count was massive, Maggie wins an original Project FEED burlap bag AND a t-shirt. The original FEED bad feeds one child for an entire year in a developing nation. So, every day, as you are carrying that bag around, Maggie, one little kid is eating all the calories that you avoided to earn the bag....Congrats to you!!! Sorry no scarf, but the Bag is pretty awesome.
• FIRST RUNNER UP--Louis from St. Eds--Louis was an amazing competitor, the best weight loser by far and an excellent commenter. He did not garner the votes that others did, but was extremely gracious in voting for others. For his fine efforts, Louis will receive the black FEED t-shirt AND because Project FEED doesn't have much stuff for dudes, Louis will also receive a $50 "Lettuce Entertain You" Gift Certificate, so Louis can celebrate his weight loss at any of the fine Rick Melman establishments. Louis, you've been just great and I am really proud of you. I'm sorry your mom won't get the scarf, but you can tell her from me, she has a very fine son. Please send me your address ASAP so I can fire off your loot....Well done, runners up....And now..... OUR WINNERS ARE....DRUMROLL PLEASE..... (like this is any huge surprise...)

ANGELA FITZPATRICK AND JUDY PULERA!!!!!!

• Angela obviously had the whole husband in Afghanistan thing going, but even beyond that, she was ever faithful to the comment, very positive in her attitude, super admirable in her work out and diet ethic. Moreover, Angela totally rocked the vote. She got many others involved in the blog to post up votes in her name. She was a great contender and I must admit, I am in awe of her single mom, working mom, husband over seas life style. I think everyone can agree that she deserves a Burberry scarf...and then some. Angela, please send me your address IMMEDIATELY and I will ship it pronto...You have to promise to send us all photos of you, the scarf and Brendan upon his homecoming. Merry, Merry Burberry Christmas to you....and give Brendan our love and support.
• Judy Pulera is the total master. She not only worked the fitness angle like a pro, but she owned the comment section and ruled in the voting process. She had more people voting for her than John Kerry. It was awesome to behold. She represented the cougars with dignity, class and a competitiveness that was bordering on scary....Further, she can do like a million man style push ups. She totally earned her scarf, and I will drop if off whenever and wherever she designates.  Huge congratulations, Judy...you deserve it. Now, one last request, please wear the scarf to Boot Camp and let me take a picture to post on the blog....

That about sums it up. I will send/deliver the winners bounty this weekend. Seriously, great job Burberry Clubbers. And don't abandoned the blog... Many, many fine fun posts will be coming soon during the holiday season and into the new year...thanks again for the fun...

Today's Top Ten:

1. Judy and Angela
2. Louis and Maggie (nice little ring to it, eh, eh,?)
3. Tina, Emily, Katie and Fat F*ck Pond
4. Burberry Cashmere scarves---the real ones...they are awesome
5. Project FEED
6. Kids in Africa with full bellies
7. All the great people who cast votes, made comments, and hit the blog
8. All of those like Brendan Fitzpatrick serving our country with honor and valor
9. Luke Fitzpatrick Parker---latest addition to the family, we can't wait to meet him
10. Posey McKeon--Posey turns 11 tomorrow and she is without a doubt the greatest Christmas gift we ever received...she is truly an undeserved joy.

ONLY A FEW HOURS LEFT!!!

Okay, people we are down to the final few hours. Who's it going to be? It's up to you, up to me and up to the voters. WOW! talk about your full fledged pressure. Again, the voting officially stops at midnight CENTRAL time. Then I will spend all night tallying votes, comments, weight loss, attitude, cleverness, human interest, and every other permutation and combination (kind of like the BSC formula) and declare a winner!!

Just a few reflections on the competition that started WAY back in November To recap:

• The competition was started so that I would have a support group while I tried to lose 10 pounds by Christmas.
• I had the additional motivation of getting a ton of followers and hits to the blog  
• No one was all that interested in joining my Fit Club until I threw in a big, fancy, cashmere bribe.
• Once the Burberry came on board, it was all "Game On"
• Over twenty fine competitors staked their claim in the Challenge- 
• Some of you are FIERCE competitors
• Some of you not so much
• Some of you know a ton about protein, weight loss, weight lifting, diets....
• Some not so much
• Some of you are VERY nice and actually super supportive people
• Some of you are not so much
• Some people actually lost weight
• Some not so much
• Some of you started out strong and then kind of fizzled out (oh wait, that's me....)
• Kristi Ambro's red velvet cupcakes are worth being fat
• Nora Nickels coached Wendy Nickels into becoming a commenting champ
• Jeannie has a twenty three pound baby!!
• Casey loves the Christmas cookies, but still lost weight
• Sara Pond loves Tosh.0
• Amy Davidson had one good day on the blog, then must have found another source for the scarf
• Her life coach Jane McTernan is still drinking black coffee and eating undressed lettuce
• Frank came out strong and then dropped off the face of the blog....What's up with that, New York?
• Kevin Moyer got the boot for being too skinny
• Kevin Moyer got Cheryl's cookies from the Fit Club Commissioner
• Angela has a husband in Afghanistan that she BARELY ever mentioned....
• He is coming home in just two weeks
• Angela needs the scarf to complete her "Brendan's coming Home Outfit"
• Angela's 2 year old can use an Ipad, yet many many followers never figured out how to post a comment
• Angela's nanny Meg is earning her keep by voting every chance she gets
• Katey has a "Safe Food List", (which she never did actually share) and a HUGE guilt complex about Angela's husband
• Emily is running a half marathon....again
• Emily is a good sister to Angela
• Judy Pulera promised to wear the scarf to Boot Camp if she wins it
• Judy Pulera's husband is an awesome voter
• The Pulera sons are turning out just like their dad
• Cheryl Parise loves her date nights and still owes me some jam
• Louis lost the most weight---yeahhh!!
• Louis also had the chippiest attitude---booo!!
• Louis wants the scarf for his mom---yeahhh!
• Louis is Maggie Nickels BFF
• Maggie Nickels is vaccinating ninos in Mexico 
• Maggie is NOT nor ever has been a gordita
• Maggie is rooming with a Bible thumping, Jesus loving sophomore (not that there's anything wrong with that...)
• FF Pond had the best name
• FF Pond kissed Sarah Palin--said kiss is on the YouTube
• FF Pond eats the free donuts
• Stephanie Chirbas lost 8 pounds but could never figure out how to post a comment
• Barb Clark had many snarky comments but couldn't get them to show up on the blog
• Larry Sanchez and his life partner Balthazaar Fleming are busy crocheting their own pot holders for their friends and family for Christmas
• Meg is making me a purse!!
• Sue Chiappetta sandbagged for the entire competition until last week (nicely played), but has an enormous vocabulary
• Jamarcus McKeon better make the Dean's List
• Tina Lampe wins Miss Congeniality
• Dave McKeon is not a pussy--just ask him, but Tom ("The New Face of Uggs") Brady is
• I got 10,500 hits!!!
• The Burberry Fit Club winner will be unveiled in less that twelve hours

You are one inch away from the finish line, Clubbers. Don't give up now. You can do it, I can do it, we can do it. Three hours to go....make them count.

Today's Top Ten:

1. Tag Huer watches
2. Stila Lip Gloss
3. Sweets of Lake Forest Toffee
4. Prosecco Punch
5. Advent Calendars with treats behind each day
6. Citizens of Humanity Jeans
7. Amy and Mark Parker's new baby
8. Velvet Blazers
9. Mrs. Passerelli--awesome seamstress
10. Christmas Cookies

Have a great night and vote it up!

30 Hours and Counting...

Holy Mother of God, (and I mean this in the most seasonal way) this blog is going crazy!! Well over 10,000 hits and many more coming. My life has gotten absolutely out of control, I am heading to another meeting (who holds budget meetings the week before Christmas??) and I have exactly 10 minutes to write this next post...Here goes:

• Angela and Judy and racking up the votes
• Louis is backing Maggie Nickels ?!--and has lost a ton of weight
• Tina Lampe is the peacemaker voting for everyone--excellent strategy and VERY Christmassy of her
• Sue Chiappetta is making up words (why?) and voting for her girls
• Meg is making me a purse...YEAH!! and is a terrific voter
• Emily has finished her finals and is officially a second semester senior
• Annie is making paper dolls and her dad couldn't be more excited to be paying a ton of college tuition for that educational project
• Maggie is non communicado somewhere on a beach in Mexico, but Louis has her back
• Larry Sanchez is a fake
• FF Pond has gone underground
• Casey has jumped back in
• Katey Caspar is feeling some heavy duty Angela guilt
• Judy Pulera's got a serious fan club and her husband, neighbors, sons and almost relatives are VERY techno savvy
• I've got 10,300 hits, but in reality have still only lost 3 pounds--could be because I ATE A BLOCK OF FUDGE FOR LUNCH THAT WAS THE SIZE OF A BRICK...
• Kerry Gapinski still makes me laugh
• Jamarcus McKeon better get straight As
• Pete McKeon has gained 10 pounds since this competition started....the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and all that...
• Jake and Henry have snotty noses, but are still able to pull the voting lever for their mom
• The Burberry scarf is SUPER soft and sitting in my closet, waiting to be shipped to the winner

GOOOD  LUUUUCCCKKK TO ALLLL OF YOU---TOMORROW IS THE BIG AND LAST DAY!! MAKE IT COUNT!!!

Ten minutes and done: Super Special Top Ten List Tomorrow

We are Soooooo Close....

IT'S GO TIME. We are in the home stretch of the Challenge and that scarf is sooooo close you can feel its cashmerey goodness.... There are only four full days left in the Burberry Fit Club Challenge and I am assuming that you will all be making the most of them. (Louis, good luck balancing this life changing challenge with your future changing finals. Seriously, I do not want to be responsible for lowering your GPA....)The polls officially close at midnight (central time) on Dec. 16th. So now is the time to rally all of your family, friends, frenemies, nannies (I'm talking to you, pursemaking Meg) and freeloaders and convince them to cast many votes for you in the Challenge. I am going on record to state my disbelief that Sue Chiappetta has not mastered the comment section of the blog. Seriously, if Wendy Nickels figured it out, I'm pretty sure Sue can too. Like I said, I've seen Sue in action, she has a ton of tools, she throws a mean party, she can decorate any surface, and can snapfish at will. Voting on this blog should be a breeze. Make it happen, Mrs. Chiappetta.  There are a whole lot of voting hours left in the next few days, and it would be a crying shame if Angela lost by a vote or two....(maternal guilt, the most powerful motivator on earth). Nice work, Pulera Men, voting in mass for Judy. That's the sort of dedication I'm looking for....McKeon boys, take note. Let's hope you  treat your own mother with such kindness...

To all of you in the challenge, don't forget to make your comments,  post your diet tips and stake your claim for the holiest of holy, coolest of coolest Burberry scarf. Now is the time to kick it to the finish line. Don't hold back, go full tilt and don't leave any gas in the tank. You will be eaten up with regret for the rest of your life if you don't go all out in pursuit of this scarf. And frankly, I don't want to be responsible for anyone's lifelong guilt...or in patient therapy bills...Focus, visualize, do not be deterred by Christmas chatter. Buckle down for the next four days, and win this thing...

Now, for your entertainment pleasure, I am putting in this posting another column that I wrote for the Kenosha News a few years back. It is a very timely little piece about Christmas. Obviously I was in a foul humor when I wrote it, (shocker there) and while it is still somewhat amusing, the good news is, I have gotten rid of the battitude and am basking in the joy of this season---yeah, that's right, the Burberry Fit Club Season....

Sunday Morning Column from Dec. 2007:

HOHOHO.  Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and every other perfectly appropriate, non offensive seasonal greeting.  Only 8 shopping days left until Christmas and I’m no where near ready.  Please believe me when I say that I’m not usually a Scrooge, but for some reason, this year I’m waving the white flag.  I’m just plain giving up. I don’t want to shop, cook, wrap, carol, bake, or holly jolly. I am the ultimate Bad Santa and can’t seem to get over it.  While the rest of the world is feeling peace on earth and good will to man, I’m just feeling tired, stressed, cranky, over weight and broke.  Frankly, though I know this is “the most wonderful time of the year”, a time for peace, love, joy and brotherhood, I find that I really can’t stand much of any one.  So rather than counting my blessings this year, (oh, don’t worry, I know how lucky I am. I just don’t need another viewing of It’s a Wonderful Life to remind me), I am creating my own naughty list filled with all of the people who should be getting coal in their stockings this holiday season. Here they are:

 1: Anyone who’s finished their shopping, especially those jerks who have been done since Halloween. 

 2: Anyone who’s finished their wrapping, cards, baking, decorating, holiday cooking and cleaning. Just shut up already.  We know you are superior.  There, I’ve said it out loud, and it’s even in the newspaper. Now get on with your perfect lives.

 3:  Anyone who sends me a gift that I didn’t already buy for.  Man, you’re killing me.  Now I have to find something for you in my random gift closet.  I hope you like the unicorn webkin.  It’s all I have left.

 4:  Anyone who expects me to wrap their gift.  If what you want can’t fit in a gift bag, you’re not getting it from me.

5:  Anyone who expects a thank you note.  Listen up, anyone who gave me a gift, is thinking of giving me a gift, has ever given me a gift, has ever thought of giving me a gift, please consider this column to be your thank you note.  I’m not kidding.

 6. Most of my family. They are all coming for Christmas Dinner and expect me to cook and feed them.  Right now, this seems like an incredibly unreasonably demand. My sister Wendy had the good sense to plan a trip to Europe with her family and will not be at my table.  So far, I still kind of like her.

7.  All of my In-laws.  Please, please, please.  For the love of God, can’t we just do a gift exchange or buy each other a book?  Who are we kidding? Your fifty dollars in cash to me, and my $50 gift card to you, just cancel each other out. How about we eliminate the middle man, keep our own money, or make a donation to charity?

 8. My husband.  He should either have the guts to tell his family to do a gift exchange, (no daughter/sister-in-law can voice these heretical opinions), be forced to do their shopping, or stop complaining about how much this Christmas is costing us.

9.  All the people who lose weight over the holidays because they are “sooo busy that they just forget to eat”.  Sorry, it’s not just me; everybody hates you guys.

10. The person who got the last decent parking space at the mall. I don’t know who you are, but you’re on my list.

11. The whining kid ahead of me in the checkout line. Hey, FYI, Santa is watching, and you, my friend, are a very long way from getting the Spiderman Web World toy that you were crying about back in aisle five.

12. The forty people ahead of me in line at the post office, especially the dude with the eighteen packages going over seas, who keeps changing his mind about buying postal insurance.   Does the phrase “Going Postal” mean anything to you?  It should.

13. Anyone who looks younger than me in their Christmas card photo.  I know that this is totally irrational, because generally most every card that comes has a killer photo, but I still hold a deep seated resentment.

14. Anyone who sends an obnoxious Christmas brag letter telling me that their kid just won the Nobel Prize.  Why doesn’t any one ever write to say that their kid is in rehab, prison, or better yet, just a totally average kid?  I seriously cannot believe that every single child of every single person who sends us a Christmas letter is playing first chair violin with the New York Philharmonic, or center field for the Yankees.  Or both.

15. My editor at The Kenosha News for expecting me to write some precious, festive column about the happy holidays.  Hey, Steve Lund, guess what?  It’s not happening.  You’re stuck with this.   And it doesn’t come with a gift receipt either.  HOHOHO

I hope you all enjoyed this little bit of yuletide levity. I know I did because it saved me from having to write a whole new post here. I've got some serious Christmas shit to get done, like finding just the right grade of coal for Chris McKeon's stocking, wrapping all the gifts for the out of towners, shipping said gifts, finishing my shopping, sending out 250 Christmas cards and tallying the hundreds of votes in the Burberry Fitness Challenge...so, poaching an old column really works for me. I promise to come up with some new material later this week AS WE APPROACH THE FINAL DAYS OF THE BURBERRY FIT CLUB CHALLENGE... can't wait, it's a date, don't be late....

I commend all of you in the challenge.  Admirable effort all the way around. Keep it up, keep those votes coming, and remember, for the next four days, it's all about the scarf. 

I've got to tell you, I am dying here, because it will be VERY difficult choosing a winner. I am hoping that someone pulls way ahead in the voting and makes my job easier. Regardless, I will do what I have to do. ....As promised,  I will announce a winner on Dec. 17th. Then, if necessary, I can ship the coveted scarf out and have it arrive in time to make this year "the best Christmas ever" for our lucky winner. GOOOOD LUUUCCCKKKK, Challengers. I can't wait to see how this one ends.

Today's Top Ten:

1. The Nouvelle "Fresh Cut Fir" scented candle--makes your whole house smell like Christmas
2. The MAC plaid bag filled with lip gloss and balm--great stocking stuffer
3. Larry Lipinski--funniest dinner companion ever. Ask him to sing the "new" national anthem
4. Lemoncello--mighty tasty, packs a punch..
5. Jack McKeon--work horse, AND a show horse
6. "The Classy Christmas" two part episode of The Office
7. Scrambled Eggs
8. The Cartier Love series--ring, bracelet or necklace--makes a great Christmas gift, and last forever
9. Cashmere socks--Garnet Hill has a good deal going right now
10. Snow Globes

Merry almost Christmas, Happy Final Four Days of the Challenge...Let's get ourselves a winner...

the Holiday P**** List--the gift that keeps on giving

Here we go...My stats are going crazy, the comments are through the roof. Over 9000 hits and 193 comments on my last post??!! Well, Merry Christmas to me..I love democracy, I love this country, I love this Burberry Fit Club Challenge.

Judy and Louis have got their PACs together, pulled in some lobbyists and are getting major votes on the tote board. Again, we've got ourselves a race that is just too close to call. Remember, those of you in the Challenge cannot vote for yourselves, but you can vote for anyone else. Also, only one vote per comment....I'm talking to you Jamarcus. It doesn't do me and my numbers any good, if you can double vote in one hit. Sorry. Finally, the following people are allowed to vote via their parents: Joey Parise, Jake and Henry Fitzpatrick. We trust their moms to do what's right. If anyone else needs voting dispensation or special consideration, please let me, the Burberry Fit Club Commissioner, know.

Finally, I have got to hand it to Brendan Fitzpatrick and Paul Pulera...Best. Husbands. Ever....(ok, tied with you to FF Pond...but husband Pulera votes like a man possessed.. and Brendan voted from a war zone. Talk about going above and beyond. Very impressive gentlemen, and nice to know the blog has made it's way to the middle east. Shalom to my people....Hope all of our servicemen and women stay save.

OK, there are less than 10 days until we crown a Fit Club winner and award the coveted scarf.  Keep up the good work, keep losing the weight, and keep driving the populace to the blog. New Rule: International votes count double...(this means you too, Maggie Nickels)

Now, on to today's topic...You've all spent the week boosting my stats, posting your comments, and keeping me amused. I meant to post this blog sooner, but my real life sort of got in the way. I know you've all been waiting for this one and I apologize for the delay, so here we go..., you've earned it,.. The Holiday P*$$y list. I hope it will not disappoint...Merry Christmas, my fine, fine friends...

THE HOLIDAY P*SSY LIST,  You know you are a Holiday P*ssy if:

• You wear a Santa hat in your Christmas card picture. "Look at this p*$$y wearing a Santa hat. I wonder what that poor bastard did to deserve that"
• You wear a Santa hat to the office. "He thinks that Santa hat makes him a hipster...it doesn't. It makes him a p*$$y."
• You wear a Santa hat to a cocktail party
• You ever wear a f*cking Santa Hat...
• You drink egg nog--"I'm not drinking this pussy sh*t. I don't care how much alcohol is in it. It looks like vomit."
• You eat fruit cake "Fruit cake?? Tastes like sh*t, and the name just screams p*ssy"
• You serve either of the above...
• You think it's a bad idea to give your kid's teacher a case of Heineken or a bottle of Jameson  for Christmas. "What?? Trust me...Teachers don't want those p*$$y mugs...If I were a teacher I'd love this gift.  Teacher's pet, all the way."
• You actually want to go to your kids' Christmas concert. "Are we divorced? Am I a p*$$y? No and no. Of course I don't want to go to the Christmas concert."
• You get pissed at the parents who are laughing during the concert. "Tell that p*ssy to turn around and stop glaring. It's not my fault these kids can't sing."
• You need the assistance of mistletoe.
• You spend your Christmas bonus before you get the check. "Bad news, p*$$y, it's a crap economy and you're getting a ham instead of a bonus.  oooops"
• You can't put a bike together with a butter knife
• You can't put a doll house together
• You can't put a pop a shot and a train set together 
• You can't put all of the above together in less than 8 hours, between 10pm Christmas Eve and 5am Christmas morning. "Bring it on, p*$$ies, I am Santa F*cking Claus"
• You forget to buy batteries.
• You believe in gift wrapping. "No, I can't help with the wrapping, because I am not a p*$$y. Just throw the toys into a green garbage bag and put a bow on it. Done and done."
• You help with the Christmas cards. "No, I can't help with the Christmas cards, because I am not a p*$$y. I don't even know any of these people and  the ones I know, I don't like."
• You wear a Christmas sweater...  "That dude in the snow flake sweater can't even look me in the eye, because he knows that I know that he is a p*$$y"
• You wear a sweater that matches your wife, kids and/or pet..."Never going to happen because I am not a p*$$y."
• You put holiday clothes on your dog. "That dog in the Santa hat can't even look me in the eye, because he knows that I know that he's a p*$$y"
• You put your lights up early when it is above freezing. "Only the p*$$ies get out there early, It's just not Christmas unless you are putting you lights up when it's snowing and the windchill is minus 10"
• You miss one second of ANY football game (even Cincinnati vs. Buffalo) to put up Christmas decorations.
• You miss a single Bowl game, even the Maaco Las Vegas Bowl
• You over decorate. "Stop putting all this Christmas sh*t up. You know some p*$$y is going to have to take it all down, and that is not going to be me..."
• You put last year's lights away all tangled up.."Which p*$$y put away these lights?"
• Your Christmas tree has a "theme".
• You give a Christmas gift to your UPS man.
• You eat turkey instead of prime rib on Christmas Day. "Turkey is for p*$$ies. Santa and Jesus would both eat beef on Christmas. " 
• Your Christmas list includes anything that can't be bought at the electronics, liquor or sporting goods store. "No offense, but please, this year, no p*$$y gifts from Neiman Marcus. Just get me some golf balls or a bottle of tequila."
• You take a day off of work to go Christmas shopping.
• You spend more than twenty minutes shopping for Christmas gifts.
• You actually shop in a store. "I'm not waiting in line like some p*$$y. All my Christmas gifts will be bought on line...between 9 and 9:20pm. Done and done."
• You are a guy and you wear UGGs "I hope you didn't pay money for those boots, because those are the biggest p*$$y boots, Ever."
• You wouldn't like to get or give a box of Omaha Steaks this Christmas
• You look forward to the company Christmas party
• You don't know how to ski
• You don't know how to ice skate
• You don't love the Black Hawks
• You wear mittens
• You wear a neck warmer "Nothing says 'I'm a p*$$y' more than a neck warmer"
• You go Christmas Carolling
• You stiff the Salvation Army bell ringer
• You don't own a car scraper
• You don't know how to refill your wiper fluid. "Jack, it's that blue stuff in the jug, you p*$$y
• You can't start the snow blower "Pete, you big p*$$y, you better figure out how to get that driveway cleared off before I get home"
• You don't shovel the whole walk, but just a path to your door...
• You don't throw salt on your shovel job. "The UPS man is going to sue my ass because one of your p*$$y sons failed to throw salt on the front steps....again. It's bad enough that your p*$$y mom gave him a Christmas gift.."
• You set the thermostat above 68 degrees.  "Put a sweater on, p*$$y"
• You don't love Linus in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
• You are psyched about the office Secret Santa
• You wear one of those knit stocking caps inside. "Look at that Tom Brady p*$$y wannabee."
• You wear a scarf inside
• You wear a shawl neck sweater
• You don't love the Little Drummer duet with Bing Crosby and David Bowie
• You've never seen "The Bells of St. Mary's"
• You fail to appreciate the genius of "It's a Wonderful Life". "What sort of p*$$y hasn't seen It's a Wonderful Life?"
• You don't leave out cookies for Santa  
• You forget to take a few bites out of the cookies
• You don't burn your wrapping paper and boxes on Christmas morning. "Let's go, p*$$ies, collect this garbage and let's light it up. Merry F*cking Christmas to me."
• You don't watch the Heisman awards ceremony
• You don't choke up just a little when they award the Heisman Trophy
• You actually believe that Cam Newton didn't know his dad was pimping him out
• You didn't smile when Urban Meyer resign/retired
• You get hammered on New Year's Eve. "You know what New Year's Eve is don't you? Amateur night for p*$$ies"
• You hate snow (which makes me the world's biggest p*$$y)
• You don't believe in Santa Claus

HOHOHO. Keep the votes coming. Somebody will be finding that Burberry scarf under their tree.

Today's Top Ten:

1. Posey's Fifth Grade Basketball Team--lost in a squeaker 28-2. Funniest sporting event ever.
2. The Kindle--I SO want one of these....
3. Paul Pulera--master of the vote
4. Brendan Fitzpatrick--protecting God, country and Notre Dame..thank you
5. "Teach Me How to Dougie"--my new favorite song...Just need to learn the dance
6. Eddie Bauer down and fleece throws
7. The Human Stain by Phillip Roth
8. Gold and White Monogrammed China--looks beautiful on my Christmas table
9. Wide plaid ribbon
10. Santa Claus

Burberry Fit Clubbers Rock the Vote...

Ok, Burberry Fit Clubbers and all you Fit Clubber wannabees, Listen up!! As we head into the last hurrah of the Burberry Fit Club Challenge, I am going to mix it up a little. Why? Because I can. I am so enjoying the comments, the banter, the Judy baiting and Louis hating, that I want the entire world to be a part of this beautiful, supportive, weight loss driven, diet tip sharing, Burberry aspiring community. Your comments are so well crafted  (Angela, Maggie, Katey...) and your names so awe inspiring (I'm talking to you Fat F*ck--which still makes me laugh every time I read it--could I be any more immature? Spatch cock turkey, indeed...) that I'd like to share them with as many people as possible. Please, let's not hide the light of our collective wit and wisdom under the proverbial bushel....

So, I am incorporating another wrinkle into the scoring of this competition. I must admit, because you guys are all so great with the tips, so quick with the comments, and so motivated that you are losing actual poundage, I am feeling a lot of pressure in choosing a winner here....I can take the pressure, but I'd like to get a little help. Therefore, like my forefathers before me, (the Continental Congress, the Electoral College, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars), I am turning a portion of the judging of this competition over to the popular vote. You heard me right...let's be democratic and bring this one to the people...For the next two weeks, (until December 16th) I want anyone and everyone to be able to put their two cents in on who should win that lovely, oh so lovely, cashmere scarf.

Here's how it will work: From today until Dec. 16th, anyone who is not currently in the Challenge, can vote as often as they want for whomever they want to win the scarf. Voting must be done through the comment portion of the blog. I know this is kind of a pain, as it appears that many, many fine and smart people struggle to use the comment section of the blog, but I can't think of any other way to check and tally the votes. What I am hoping for here is that the friends, families, pets, neighbors, co-workers, colleagues, team mates, room mates and cell mates of all of the Fit Club competitors show their love and support by seriously and continuously pounding the crap out of the blog and voting for their favorite Clubber to win the scarf. Their comments don't have to be funny (that would be an extra bonus) or contain any diet tips. They just need to say something like: "I vote for Fat F*ck" , that's it. They can cast that vote a million times over, all day, every day, if they feel so inclined. I just need to see that they logged into the comments and that they voted. Easy peasy--lemon squeezy...

I'm pretty sure you can see where I'm going with this, because if we all do this right, if we all use the magical and exponential power of the internet to send this humble blog, and AWESOME competition to the rest of the free and uninitiated world, not only will the cyber world be a better place, not only will democracy reign in the Fit Club Challenge, but also, my ticker will go through the roof....And I must say, that would make me just extraordinarily happy. (All I want for Christmas is 10,000 hits...) I am nicely asking, and counting on the integrity of those of you already in the Challenge not to change your comment name and chronically vote for yourself. You can do it, but you'll hate yourself, because you'll know you're a cheater, and everybody hates a cheater, especially me....Also, remember, popular vote will only count as a portion of the total score. I still have the ultimate authority on who gets the almighty scarf. You are all cool people, with many, many well connected and supportive friends. Lean on them to help your cause...and lean on them to help my cause...( "Help me help you..." "You had me at Burberry..." )

I think this will be VERY fun, VERY funny (I just know the Gentlemen of St. Ed's will have a few things to say) and really will help me figure out just who should receive this fabulous Burberry scarf . You have no idea how torn I am...so many great competitors, but only one Burberry scarf....(and I seriously do not think that Dave McKeon is going to let me buy 15 scarves to give away...darn it....) So, in many ways, you Clubbers all control your own destiny, by begging your loved ones to support you in this noble and worthy cause by casting their vote...over and over and over and over.... However, don't forget, I still expect consistent, regular, irreverant, diet tips and comments from those of you in the Challenge. You've come this far, don't wuss out now....

Finally, I am going to announce the winner on Dec. 17th. I know it's a week early and I know it cuts into our weight loss time, but I also know that the lucky winner of this scarf wants to have it under their tree or around their neck before Christmas.  I feel you....so, the winner will be announced on Dec. 17th and the scarf will be shipped or delivered to the winner on that same day.  Man, good luck to everyone. I'm feeling a little nervous on your behalves...this may very well be where we separate the Brandy's from the Briston Palins.....who knows how the people will vote? You've got the college boys and all of their free time vs. the young moms vs. the cougars vs. the rest of the field. The real question will be, who can convince their posse to vote them into victory??? Well, Clubbers, you know what to do....Don't just sit there reading this crap,... GO, GO, get your voting blocks in order and some how, some way, force them to hit the blog and cast their votes for you...and I assure you, there will be no hanging chad in this voting process...

Today's Top Ten:

1. Casey Ferraro--thanks....
2. The steak Chili from Panera--this stuff is seriously awesome and it can't be bad for you because it has those beans in it
3. "Melt With You" the Modern English classic...there is a mash up version that's pretty good too.
4. Low fat ice cream snow man heads...a seasonal tradition
5. Phillip Rivers, quarterback of the Chargers...doing great things for Foster kids
6. The chocolate toffee from Sweet's in Lake Forest
7. The Kate Spade clutch with the bow
8. The FEED project and the original FEED bag...not meaning to tip my hand, but it is going to be a very, merry FEED Christmas around here
9. The plasma car--always a fan favorite, even of the big kids....
10. "What if Jesus Came Back Like That?"--a seriously cheesy Christmas carol that is embedded in the McKeon Holiday traditions...

Time is Ticking....Let's get our Vote on...