RECIPES?

I am watching this debacle of a Super Bowl and feeling really bad for Peyton Manning.  Hey, Peyton, the McKeon boys can feel your pain.  Every year they fold like a cheap tent in the state tennis tournament, so you are in good company. Olivia Manning and I have so much in common.  Hahaha.  Even I can't make that comparison with a straight face.

Thanks for the hits on the last posts, (and how do you like this new look? not sure I love it, but the photo is a keeper) This blog literally writes itself, or at least that last post did, as I just transcribed that group text...  All I had to do was figure out the punctuation, and I really didn't even get that part right...

However, we may need a few reminders about the whole blog thing--- I know it's been a while since I've posted consistently, and obviously, you've forgotten all the blog etiquette and camaraderie we built up over the  years. Don't worry,  I don't blame you...I blame myself.

Remember, rule 1: Please, try to comment on the actual blog.  I need the feedback, the affirmation, and at least a few comments. In the words of Nate McKeon from the last post: "Like me, please like me",  I know the Facebook is awesome, but comments on FB don't show up on the blog and don't add to my stats. Thank you, Judy Pulera, for remembering and following the rules.  If I were running a contest right  now, you would be the winner.  Rule 2. For you new folks, (I'm talking to you, Fat Pat) would it kill you to sign on as followers? I'm kind of holding steady at around 110 followers. I need to see some jump in stats or I lose motivation to keep writing these scintillating prose. Rule 3. Please share! And share again.  I need some volume and I can't keep carrying this blog singlehandedly--I'm pretty much doing all the heavy lifting here,  please do your part.  Thanks.

I must be getting back into the blogging zone, as I made the mistake of checking out that Pioneer Woman's blog.  Have you heard of her? That home schooling, recipe writing, small appliance hawking, personality? She has like a jillion followers, a ton of advertisers and her own TV show.  Seriously. I don't want a tv show.  ( I have a face for blogging, and the vocabulary of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas-- I'd be bleeped all day long on TV) but I would like a few more comments on the blog.  Is that too much to ask? Also, Pioneer Woman home schools her kids....which is admirable...I guess.  But I will totally admit, if I home schooled my kids, it would not end well.  It would be a glorified book club, with some really great field trips for shopping and lunch. So, I'm giving her all the props in the world and I don't begrudge her her home school audience, or her TV show, but please, tell me straight...are you all really looking for recipes? Pioneer woman has a million of them. And a million people seem to love them.  I personally could give two hoots about recipes, but I guess if recipe sharing is expected in the blogosphere, I will do my damnedest,...once.  Today and today only, is recipe day. And then never again.

I hate to cook. I truly do.  (I think I wrote about this once before and I know I did in my column for the Kenosha News, but it bears repeating) I like to bake, but that is only because I like to eat baked things (cookies, cakes, pies, etc.) I fully admit, I only cook to keep my family alive, and even that I do sporadically. (They are all still alive, I've done my job)  So, most of my recipes are things like:

• Chicken--Take chicken and put it in the oven at 350.  Remove when done.  
• Tenderloin--Take tenderloin, (beef or pork) put it in the oven at 350. Remove when done.  
• Potatoes--Take potatoes, put them in the oven at 350.  Remove when done.

You get the idea.  If a recipe has more than five ingredients, I will not make it. And even if it has less than five, I am usually missing most of them, and revert to the tried and true recipes above. But, if recipes are what you people want, recipes are what you are going to get.  Below are some family favorite McKeon recipes that you will love and share with your loved ones.  Yeah, right.

First, a little aside--are recipes copy written? I'm just asking because I honestly don't know anyone who invents meals or makes up their own recipes. (except obviously Pioneer women--who's blogs are WAY shorter than mine, so I like to think that I am a way better value--more words per blog for sure)  Everyone uses a cook book or a recipe they got from someone else  Let's face it, Charlie Trotter is dead (too soon?) and everyone else just plagiarizes everyone else's work.  Here's an example: Someone gave me Anne Romney's cook book for Christmas (FYI There are many photos in this cook book. Say what you want about the Romney politics, but they are one good looking Mormon family and Anne Romney was in amazing shape when her kids were little. She claims they ate fluff a lot.  I claim she is a liar--and a stealer, read on, Dear Readers....)  I noticed that Anne Romney's recipe for chocolate chip pan cookies is the exact same one that is on the back of the bag of Nestle's chocolate chips, which is basically the same recipe that the entire free world uses (including me-and if you make that dough with out the chips, put it in a pan, and stick it in the oven at 350 until done-- BOOM! best blondies ever- Take that Anne Romney) Can you really take credit for a recipe that's in the public domain like that? Hell, maybe I can write a cook book. And does Mitt know about Anne's propensity to steal recipes?  It's like Kitty Dukakis drinking the cough syrup all over again.  

Right here I wanted to insert a photo of me cooking.  But no such photo exists. So here is a picture of Annie and Posey when they were in the play CATS!! And another picture of Nate with the big head. I can't get enough of the big head years--Despite the giant dome, that seer sucker suit is a fine, fine look. 

Back on track: Here are a few McKeon favorites. They are simple, time tested and I've even included the gluten free version for many of them, because this is a full service blog. Teachers, grab your spell bags--here we go:

10 Recipes--just for you, just for today, and never again.

1. Chicken--see above,  Hint: Keep the skin on the chicken pieces, salt and pepper them, and then put pats of butter on the chicken. Butter = kitchen magic. 
2. Tenderloin--see above.  No butter--just salt and pepper.  You seriously CANNOT screw up a tenderloin.  It is virtually impossible.  Hence, we eat tenderloin often. 
3. Potatoes--baked--see above.  Put potatoes in the oven.  Take out when you get home from driving your kids to practice. Slather in butter, salt, cheese, etc.  Can be a meal...so can cereal. 
4. Chocolate chip cookie bars ---I make these for pretty much every tailgate.  Why? because it is a hundred times faster than making individual cookies. Use the recipe Anne Romney stole from the back of the chocolate chip bag.  I usually triple the batch  (this involves fractions, be prepared), take a third of the chipless dough and put it into a 9x13 pan, then add chips to the rest of the dough and put it into 2 other pans.  Tailgate ready desserts.  Fast, easy and delicious. 
5. Peanut butter crackers: Take crackers (saltines, Ritz, Club) and a jar of peanut butter. Knife is optional.  Scoop peanut butter on cracker, top with another cracker or eat open faced.  Done. I lived on these in law school and are great for any meal. I got this recipe from my mom.  She made these both times in 12 years that she ever packed my school lunch. This is a true story.  ***Special gluten free version**** Use Glutino crackers and almond butter (The regular glutino crackers are actually really good. I went through a very brief gluten free stage, until I realized that gluten free and calorie free were not even close to synonymous. Lesson learned)
6. Mexican dip:  This is a for real meal and though I know everyone has a version of this, I swear this one I actually made up, because it originally came from a serious recipe that I reduced to its most basic form. Nate loves this. The rest of my family... meh. I make it a lot because it takes five minutes: Take two pounds of ground sirloin. Brown it in a pan.  Throw in some salsa (any kind is fine) then put cheddar cheese on top. Turn off the heat, the cheese will melt and you are done.  Seriously, best homemade five minute meal ever. Serve with soft taco shells or Tostitos.   ********Special Gluten Free version******skip the tostitos and the shells.  Eat with spoon. 
7. Bacon: buy the very best bacon you can find--I recommend Neutskes or the bacon from the meat counter at that new Festival Foods.   Put it in a fry pan and watch the love sizzle.  (We have been on a bacon bender--I even have a special bacon glove to prevent those perilous grease splatters). ***** already gluten free!!********
8.  Omelet:  I make one of these almost every morning. (for me) Take two eggs, crack them open into bowl, (I need these kind of explicit instructions) stir with a fork, put eggs in little skillet sprayed with Pam, when the eggs start to cook, add some cheese and salsa on one side, then flip up the other side onto the salsa and cheese. This is a real live omelet!! I could actually serve this to people not related to me.  Remove from pan.   *****Gluten free again******Bingage!   
9. Vodka and Cranberry Juice:   Put some Grey Goose in a glass.  Add cranberry juice to taste. Enjoy! *****Gluten free version*****leave out the cranberry juice.     
10. Tailgate Soup: Finally!! This is a real recipe and many people have asked me for it. It has a TON of ingredients, so you know it didn't originate with me. I got it from Sue Chiappetta and unlike Anne Romney, I am giving her full and total credit.  I make 10 times the recipe for tailgates. You can do whatever you want.  
• 1 lb of italian sausage--I use turkey italian sausage (the hot kind--it's not as greasy) 
• 1 onion, chopped
• 3 cups of water
• 1 tsp dried basil
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 10 or 12 baby carrots
• 1 zucchini sliced (sometimes I leave this out) 
• 1 27 oz can of tomato soup
• 1 can of cannellini beans ( I always leave these out...don't like beans) 
• 1 can of diced tomatoes (with liquid)
• 9 oz cheese tortellini 
• 1/4 cup of red wine
• 2 Tbsp of olive oil
• 2 Tbsp of balsamic vinegar
• 2 tsp of chicken bouillon
• Parmesan cheese   

Cook sausage and onion over medium heat, drain thoroughly.  Stir in the remaining ingredients, except for the parmesan cheese.  Heat to boiling, cover and simmer for 20 minutes.  Serve with parmesan cheese sprinkled on top.  Sit back and watch the crowds flock to you.  

I am reciped out. Take that, Pioneer Woman.  Ten full fledged recipes in one post.  Winner--Me.

Right about here, the Pioneer woman would have a picture of some food she made.  That is not going to happen EVER--unless the food has the image of the Virgin Mary or Teddy Roosevelt or something on it.  I hate when people show you their meals--mostly because unless they are going to share some with me, it just seems mean.  Instead, here is a picture of Chris, back when he was a 98 lb weakling. Even back then he was dating way above his pay grade.  ("Gee, Chris, you look kind of pale. Have you been tested for diseases lately?"....see the Harry Potter Dear Readers, Christmas reference below)  The moral to all of these photos? People grow (and shrink) a lot over the years. Be patient and sometimes good things will happen. And sometimes not...("Well at least I'm not a hideous F****"---Dear Readers, again) 

                                                                                                                   

Lo, ho, ho, Dear Readers, Here is today's top ten: 

1.The Harry Potter, Dear Reader Christmas voice over.  It's the very, merry best. See for yourself at:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0I-jZ7OB0c  

2. Phillip Seymour Hoffman--a terrifically talented actor.   

3. J McLaughlin winter sale--Do NOT miss this sale, particularly the Panama wrap dress. Best dress ever. http://www.jmclaughlin.com/sale/women/panama-wrap-dress.html  

4. And the men's sale at J McLaughlin is aces as well.  Check out the corduroy shirts. The red one would be a perfect Valentine's gift...if you go for that sort of thing...Valentine's Day, I mean.  

5.  Bridget Jones: Mad about the Boy  by Helen Fielding. The latest in the Bridget Jones series, and Bridget is all grown up.  It's sweet and fun to read. 

6.  The Budweiser returning soldier ad. In a very weak pool of Super Bowl ads, (and an even weaker Super Bowl game) this one stood out.  

7.Jimmy Fallon--I can't wait for him to rule late night from his proper throne and time slot. 

8. The ice pink Burberry quilted baby jacket.  The red and blue are adorable as well, but the pale pink is so, so sweet.  Terrific baby gift for your favorite new arrival. 

9.   Clarissa Pinkola Estes--she's an amazing poet and essayist who is just so smart. She authored one of my favorite quotations: "Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” 

10. The Winter Olympics!! USA, USA, USA. Feb. 6th, Baby.  Go for the gold. 

I promise I will get over the Dear Reader references soon.  I eventually stopped singing "Say Something".  It may take a while, though.  Sorry.