All you need is love.....???

First of all, Happy, Happy Valentine's Day. I am hoping that some man somewhere listened to at least ONE of the recommendations on this blog, (because Dave McKeon sure didn't, but we all know that Dave McKeon doesn't ever read the blog, which is probably a very good thing) and that some woman somewhere is sporting a new piece of hardware, and if she is, that smart man is sporting a big old smile because he has/will get his special reward. Moreover, I hope that each and every one of you ladies got an enormous bouquet of flowers (no mums, no carnations) that was so beautiful that when it was delivered to your place of business it made at least two of your co-workers politely excuse themselves to cry softly in their cubicles in jealous despair...

Interestingly, I got some verbal feedback today on the blog, and one woman told me that her favorite Valentine's Day gift was a new screen door, another told me that all she wanted for Valentine's Day was for her husband to take some lights down from some tree. ...Hey, to each her own. .I can appreciate a screen door as much as the next person, and God knows, I love a man who will perform household chores, but I am still sticking by my life long credo of "If I can't wear it, it's not a gift"... and don't be applying gift status to necessary household items that we probably would have bought any way...I'm not falling for it, it's still not a gift.. even if you put a bow on it...

Hey, remember the good old days of the Burberry Fit Club Challenge? Me, too. Finally, here are the photos of our winners, with their victory scarves...
Directly Below is The Beautiful Mrs. Judy Pulera in her Burberry Scarf....look what you were up against, Louis...tough to beat a winner like Judy...and seriously, Judy really can do like 100 pushups, even wearing the scarf.....not that we need to open that whole Judy vs. Louis protein vs. carbs can of worms...

Now, here is a picture of the equally lovely Angela Fitzpatrick wearing her Burberry scarf as she meets her hero husband Brendan at the airport after his tour of duty in Afghanistan . Doesn't she look amazing? Doesn't he look great? Aren't their kids so cute? I am so honored that the Burberry Fit Club scarf could be a part of this special moment. Ok, admit it, I picked the absolute best Fit Club winners and the scarves are all good.

Every time I see this photo, I just tear up. It's so touching and a great reminder to all of us that so many men and women are in war zones, defending our freedom, our country and our friends. Love is all you need, indeed...... I hope that the Fitzpatrick Family is having the best Valentine's Day EVER. They deserve it....

I must say, nice sweaters on the boys. Coincidentally, the McKeon children wore these exact same sweaters in 2001 for our Christmas card photo to make our own patriotic statement.  Great minds and all that.

I loved these sweaters and made my mom dress the five big kids in them when they met Dave and I at the airport when we brought Posey home from China. It was so sweet seeing them all there to welcome their new little sister to her new country, except Annie exercised her right to civil disobedience by quietly refusing to take her coat off the entire time, because she hated wearing the same sweater as her brothers, and guess what? here is what happens at chez McKeon when you civilly disobey,...your mom chooses a Christmas card photo where you have your eyes closed....Kind of wish you had taken that coat off, huh, Annie? ....I guess she learned her lesson, because as of less  than a year ago, she was proudly wearing the same dress as her little sister for Easter...see above...great photo, eyes open ...all good...

Now, in honor of Love, Marriage, and all that those entail, I am teeing up a column I wrote almost five years ago. And because it truly is a small world after all, one of those couples I refer to in the column is ANGELA AND BRENDAN FITZPATRICK!!! The circle of life....or blogs...or photos....or just coincidence...

      COLUMN ORIGINALLY RUN IN JULY OF 2006 IN THE KENOSHA NEWS

  We’ve been invited to seven weddings this summer—SEVEN!  (four Catholic, one Methodist, one nondenominational and one Catholic-Hindu hybrid).  That’s a lot of fondue pots.  I love weddings. I really do.  I love the ceremony, the music, the dresses, the flowers, the reception, the dancing, the bouquet toss, the whole shebang. My eyes start tearing up the minute I hear the first strains of Pachabel’s Canon.   And by the time the couples say “I do”, forget about it—I’m a blubbering idiot. 

In this day of instant divorce, long term cohabitation, and chronic “hooking up” (whatever that means), I am so impressed by these young people who are consciously choosing marriage.   Generation X (or is it Y? Z?) gets a pretty bad rap for being lazy, whiny, coffee swilling slackers, only interested in video games and cell phone ring tones.  But I’ve got to tell you, the betrotheds we know are seriously stand up people, with major careers, good intentioned life plans complete with low interest mortgages and IRAs.  So far this summer, we’ve been invited to the upcoming nuptials of an investment banker, a sales intern, a dental student, a medical student, a lawyer, an IT specialist, two youth ministers and an accountant.  Not a loser in the bunch. 

 To be willing to make a public statement asserting love and commitment takes some guts.  (and obviously, from the weddings I’ve seen so far—a whole lot of tulle).  I am honestly so touched by the earnestness of these newlyweds, touched by the love they have for each other, the dreams they have for the future, and their untarnished belief in the institution of marriage.  You can see the hope in their eyes and the anticipation in their shaky voices as they make their vows before God, family and friends.  Were we ever that young, that unguarded, that innocent?  I recently saw one of our wedding photos, and we did have that same dewy look that the newly married have.  (and my husband had some really dorky glasses, too).While I wouldn’t trade places, (the first five years of marriage are a lot of work), I do envy them that newness of a journey and the enormous possibilities that their lives together will hold .   

As I enter my twentieth year of wedded bliss (some years more blissful than others—as I like to tell my husband, “It’s gone by like five minutes….under water”), there are so many things I want to say to these newlyweds.  Things like “go ahead and go to bed angry, other wise you might not be getting much sleep.”   “A little champagne and roses, goes a long way.”  “Think mean things about your in-laws, but do not say them out loud.”  But would that spoil the surprises and take away some of the lessons that come from living in a marriage?  I hate to say too much for fear of “scaring single” those yet to march down the aisle.

Mostly, I want to tell these fine young couples, love each other. It’s harder than it sounds.  As your married life grows to incorporate in-laws, careers, children and all the joy and stress that they bring, your partner will be the first one you turn to for help, but also the first one you turn to in anger.  Things will not go as planned, ever, so stop trying so hard.  Some one will get sick, someone will lose a job, the babies will come at the most inopportune time, or they won’t come at all.  Money will be tight, tempers will run short.  And some days you’ll look at each other and barely remember what brought you together.  Remember, you’re on the same side.  Err on the side of kindness, cut each other some slack.  And if you want this union to last for the long haul, be willing to apologize (even when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are so right), and be even more willing to forgive.  Because in a marriage there are moments, days, weeks and even years of such sublime joy and unexpected wonder that you really need to share it with the one you love the most.     

Believe it or not, every one of these couples is still together, five years later...even the McKeons.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, BE NICE, BE KIND, and it's not too late to BUY A GIFT (not an appliance)

Today's Top Ten:

1.  The Fitzpatricks and their patriotic homecoming
2. Tretorn sneakers--I am taking full credit for bringing these back. True story--when I was in college, I rocked the sweetest pair of leather tretorns that I wore out. About five years ago, I found some on line and bought some for me, Annie, and Posey. Then I started buying them for the boys...now, they are all over J. Crew, Olive Juice, Zappos...thank me very  much...I am also taking credit for the comeback of the RayBan aviators...if you don't believe me, I will fight you
3. The King's Speech--it is a great movie. I'm not just saying that. Dave "History Savant" McKeon's gives it two thumbs up and asked the following question: "Is this a true story? Who is that Wallace woman? How come no one has punched that p*$$y David guy yet?" That about sums it up
4. The white enamel Hermes bracelet--did not get it for Valentine's Day...hope someone did
5. www.bustedtees.com   this site has the funniest t-shirts ever. And they are a total bargain. There is one with two astronauts planting an American flag on the moon that says "Finders keepers". Always makes me laugh
6. Gummy butterflies from Harry and David--way better than gummy bears
7. The plaid wool small duffel bags from Filson, especially the green one...could be so cool when I go to London to see Annie
8. Egg drop soup--low cal, filling and full of love
9. Patriotic sweaters
10. The book mark that Posey made me for Valentine's Day--nothing sweeter than home made gifts from the kids,...unless the kids can drive, have a job and a credit card...
    

Have a great day, enjoy the post and a special note to Kim Westphal:

Of course the photos of you with ND athletes count, bring them on, missy. Makes you look cool, makes the blog look cool.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY...YOU'RE WELCOME

Roses are red, jewelry's better
Your wife would be pleased with a nice cashmere sweater.
or get her a purse and a real special belt
some candy, a meal and something heartfelt
The pressure is on, yes, it's Valentine's Day
You'd better come through or trust me, you'll pay
This blog is your friend and your Valentine guide
Just take my advie and you will save your hide.


Okay, fellas, the clock is ticking and it is now T minus 4. Valentine's Day (or Amatuer Night, as Dave McKeon likes to call it) is less than one week away. You'd better get moving. Don't let this opportunity to bank some good will with the missus slip by. Hit this holiday out of the park and you can skate on its rose scented pink fumes well into the middle of golf season. I am going to give you the total inside scoop on Valentine's Day and tell you EXACTLY how to impress the SH*T out of your wife/girlfriend/significant other/crush/whatever. Once again, and I shouldn't even have to say this any more, but....You're welcome.

First, let's be perfectly clear here: Valentine's Day is a total chick holiday. You know I'm right. It just is.  I don't think there is one man in America still harboring a grudge over the vaccuum cleaner  he got for Valentine's Day back in 2004, but as you read this, at least 85% of American women can tell you a very long and detailed story, complete with photos, journal entries and hand gestures, about the year they got stiffed on Valentine's Day...Let's all accept this fact and move on. If you are the one man in America who is expecting a great Valentine's Day gift and whose feelings will be hurt if you don't get it, just stop reading now. As we all know, the only thing guys want on Valentine's Day is a wife/girlfriend who is not pissed off. A super great Valentines Day for him would also include a six pack of Spotted Cow beer and the high probability of getting lucky. Well, gentlemen, you can buy your own beer, but I am seriously going to help improve your chances in the getting lucky department....You're welcome....

First and Foremost--You Must Buy a Gift---I'm sorry but there is no getting around this one. Trust me get a gift.  It doesn't have to be a super expensive gift or even a traditional gift. But the ladies love to unwrap stuff and they will hold it against you if you do not come home on Valentine's Day with something in a wrapped up box. (though they won't admit it...outloud... "No, this card is fine...I guess..") Do not doubt me on this one. If you do not come through with a gift on the front end, you will pay way more on the back end to make up for your transgression. And the last minute hand off of a bag from the Hall Mark store with three generic cards in it (a nice one, a funny one and one from the kids) is not going to fly. ..Let me enlighten you with a little real world example: One year, my very good friend Dianne Amalifitano's husband Michael forgot to get her a gift for some holiday (it may  have been Christmas, but that's not really the point here). He is a doctor and a very busy man, and he just kind of ran  out of time...it can happen...I guess... In a thoughtless moment, he handed Dianne two packs of Dentyne Ice gum and told her that he would get her something for real once he had the time. Now, Dianne actually really liked Dentyne Ice,  BUT NOT AS A GIFT... Needless to say, when Dr. Amalfitano got around to purchasing his actual gift, he had no real choice other than to buy Mrs. Amalfitano a mink coat....from New York.  It truly was/is one of the most beautiful coats I have ever seen, but had Dr. Amalfitano just come through with a gift on the right day, he probably could have saved himself five figures....and a ton of grief...Do not be Mike Amalfitano--bring home the gift...wrapped... .Also, the nicer it's wrapped, the better. Take some time here. Get on your laptop, get in your car, send your kid to the mall, do something, but get a gift...or you are already sunk.

OK, now you are asking..."But, Laurie, I don't know what to buy my wife. She hates all the stuff I get her. Left to my own devices, I will be sadly drinking my six pack alone...." Do not worry, I have got you covered. Sad for Dave McKeon, but very lucky for you, I am the ultimate consumer. I know every great buy, trend and item that will turn your wives head (aside: for ease of writing, I am using the term wife, all of these tips will work just fine with your girlfriend, partner, fiancee, or significant other.) and I am going to hook you up right now, by category, by vendor, and often with great advice to customize these gift ideas in such a way that your wife will think that you actually put some thought into it....again...y.w. Here we go:

Jewelry:  This is a VERY wise option for Valentine's Day for many, many reasons: easy to buy, no fit issues, sends a great message, easy to wrap, easy to hide and looks like you tried kind of hard....So, here are some very legit jewelry selections that will greatly enhance your chances of making your wife happy. If you want to pull out the big guns, if it is a big year for you two or you have some making up to do, bite the  bullet and go to Cartier. Seriously. Now, Cartier is expensive, but some of their charms are really, really perfect and are so unique that no one else will have one and you can pick out just the thing for your wife (there are a ton of them, you can see them on line, but you'd better get cracking, because you are going to have to get the Chicago or New York stores to ship them to you and you only have a few days--one of these will probably set you back a grand, just for the silver ones, but are worth it, if you want to spend that kind of dough) Also, a huge favorite that just screams VALENTINE'S DAY is the Cartier LOVE series. You can buy the bracelet, ring or necklace from this very distinct signature Cartier line, which was designed purportedly for people in love. (Warning: LOVE doesn't come cheap) The series started with the bracelet, which is the best piece because you have to put it on with a screw driver and cannot be taken off, unless you unscrew it, thus symbolizing your eternal bonded love for each other.---While the bracelet wreaks havoc in airport security, (it sets off the buzzer every time, and you can't take it off, so you have to be wanded....), it is a total hit with women. You play this card, gentlemen, and you are forever in .. Dave McKeon anted up for this bauble ages ago, and has bought himself a lifetime of golf Saturdays...He followed up with the ring, because he is a very wise man....

Other super fine jewelry options that won't set you back as much but have just as much impact are those that come in a little blue box...Tiffany has an awesome selection of reasonably priced necklaces and bracelets that all women would love to own: the classic bead bracelet (about $200) , the bead earrings, (she will wear the gold ones every single day) the key necklaces (there is a sweet pink one that is very festive), the heart lock charm (which is only a hundred bucks--though is smaller in real life than it looks on line), even the heart locket key ring (which opens like an locket and gives you the opportunity to look like a total champ if you've already put a picture of the two of you or of your totally adorable kids in it BEFORE she opens it---so think ahead before you get it wrapped ) is a great choice. That key ring will set you back about $225, but coupled with a great card stating something like "everytime you pull out your keys, you will think of me and my undying love...." it will be worth every single penny. Go to Tiffany.com and make your selection. You can still get it delivered by Valentine's Day and I am not lying when I say there is big power in the blue box...use that power....My top Tiffany choices this year are earrings, because I think women like nice earrings and you know that they will fit. Go with the twist mini hoop earrings in silver ($225), the Petal drop earrings or the Elsa Peretti pearls by the yard in pink. (around $300, depending on the length of the earring) All excellent choices. Most anything in the Elsa Peretti line is good, just be careful not to buy the stuff that every  16 year old girl is wearing (mostly the heart shaped "Return to Tiffany" stuff), unless you are a 16 year old boy....

Finally, you can get great jewelry lots of places. The Hermes enamel bracelets are about $500 and worth every single penny, getting a red, white (my favorite) or pink one of these little gems is a total jackpot score. These bracelets are unique, classic and an understated symbol of someone with impeccable taste. The Hermes Store in Chicago can send you one in plenty of time for you to impress the pants off of your wife....Seebecks in Kenosha has many, many fine necklaces and bracelets. If your wife likes those Pandora charms, Seebecks has a million of them and that is a super easy one stop deal. Just go get that pink charm and you are done. You look smart because you know she has the bracelet and Vicky Seebeck will wrap it up perfectly. Done and done. ....Also, EJ Mirage in Lake Forest on the sqare has some very nice pieces of jewelry that are well within a tight budget. If you beg them, you may be able to get something monogrammed quickly--which again, looks like you put WEEKS (rather than hours) of thought into your gift. Their silver rings, especially the rectangular one is begging to be monogrammed with both of your initials, again symbolizing your eternal connection. I know I probably do not have to remind you fellows, but if you are going to monogram something with both of your initials, it goes like this: her initial, the initial of your last name (bigger) than your initial . ex  L M D is the proper way to monogram Laurie and Dave McKeon's undying love. Monogram up something for your wife and you will not regret it. EJ Mirages rings will set you back less than $50 bucks.  But they are actually very nice. But if you plan to monogram your gift, jump on it now. It does take a few days. Now, I am warning you: DO NOT fall for those commercials on TV and go with those heart pieces from those big jewelry chains. Your wife DOES NOT want that heart necklace designed by Dr. Quinn Medicine Women--Trust me. Do  not buy it...For just a little bit more money, you can get her something awesome from Seebecks or Tiffany's. She's worth it...

Flowers: Jewelry is certainly not the only gift to get a woman. And some women (not me, Dave McKeon) have all the jewelry they need. There are plenty of other options. Some women love flowers. And flowers can send many messages. However, there is a VERY important rule to know with flowers---SEND THEM TO HER OFFICE!!  or for you college guys, SEND THEM TO HER DORM!! The whole beauty of a woman getting flowers is to rub her co-workers face in the fact that she has an amour and they do not. Sad, but absolutely true. And while most woman do actually like flowers, they LOVE flowers that publicly declare to every other woman at their office just how cherished they are. Do not minimize the impact that these flowers will have. If you are a very smart man, you will buy a gift AND send flowers to the work place. Please, use your flowers to reflect the thoughtful, sensitive man you are. Any douche can and will send a dozen red roses, and while they are fine,  if you are going to go with flowers, class it up a bit. Send a beautiful orchid, send some perfect pink tulips (my personal favorite)  or better yet, have Rose from Flowers By Joseph --my personal favorite florist--make up an arrangement for you that will stun the woman in your life. However, whatever you do make sure you say these magic words: "No carnations, no mums" EVER.  I don't care if you are sending flowers to your great aunt for her laminectomy. Never send carnations or mums. They scream "cheap, lazy bastard picked these up at the Piggly Wiggly". Send gladiolas, send irises, send lilies, better yet, tell your florist to make up a large arrangement of all pink flowers (no mums, no carnations) of various types and it will be a show stopper. Even a pretty pot of violets, or a big bouquest of pink snap dragons can turn your sweethearts head.

When it comes to flowers, Dave McKeon's credo of "Go big or Stay home", does seem to apply. If you are going to go with the flower thing, stand out from the crowd and make them unique. You can get some pretty nice flowers on line. Just please, do not send flowers with a bear, balloon or any other gimmick. Beautiful flowers don't need accessories attached. And remember, (and this part is critical) send a well crafted message on your enclosure card, something personal, meaningful and heartfelt. If the 80s genius Modern English classic song "I'll Stop the World and Melt with You" was the backdrop for your first date, put that on the card, pal. If she loves the movie "Say Anything" (which is a mighty fine movie) put something like this on the card: "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen...." She'll get it and she will love you for it...Truly, the card can make all the difference. We all know that the flowers are going to die, but if you play this flower thing right, your wife will press one of those flower buds into your fattest book and hold on to your enclosure card for years to come.  That's the kind of statement you want to make with these flowers. If you can't do that, find a different gift.

Clothing: Clothes are always a lady favorite, but honestly, clothes can be one big minefield, unless you regularly buy your wife clothes and they regularly fit her. My advice with clothes...stick to upper body clothing, blouses, sweaters, scarves, even coats. There is a lot of room for error once you get below the waist. Again, unless you have done this one before MANY times, Valentine's Day is NOT the day to surprise your wife with those Citizens of Humanity Jeans she mentioned. If you get them too big, she'll think you think she's a fat ass and be pissed. If you get them too small, she will feel like a fat ass and be pissed. Either way....YOU LOSE. Here are some great ideas in the clothing arena--The red Burberry quilted jacket is always a hit (Nordstrom about $400), (red for Valentine's Day--get it??), especially if your wife likes quality, but is also a bit practical. (the black and taupe are also total classics) , any sort of red /pink cashmere sweater (look at J.Crew or my new favorite PURE Cashmere.) or red leather gloves are cool. If your wife hates red, and many women do, black, camel, gray and taupe are always safe. You all saw what a big hit the Burberry scarf was in the Fit Club Challenge, so hitting that accessory line again is a very safe bet. the pink Burberry scarf is kind of cute too, but if your wife is over 40, she may not like it--A smoking hot red dress will make you a star, but you REALLY have to know your wife. Brian Joyce, husband of the millenium, bought my friend Nancy an incredible fire engine red floor length dress one year to wear to a black tie dance and it was amazing, but that's Brian...He's a professional...I'm not sure how many regular joes (and dave's) could pull that one off. Also, Nancy is a super easy fit, no bulges, no sags, etc...If I were you, stick to the sweaters, coats and scarves.

Accessories: For some women, the best way to their heart is shoes and handbags. Again, great choice because no one ever returned a purse for being too tight. The best purse bang for your buck right now is the Kate Spade black patent leather purse with the red inserts on sale now at Nordstrom ($345). It's a great bag and has that little touch of Valentine Red...But if your wife likes Coach or Longchamp, there are many great choices there too that won't kill your budget. (The Long Champ big tote bags are awesome, and come in many colors--these are all the rage on college campuses) If you have the cash, and your wife is a purse savant pop for something from Hermes, (their red leather Elan bag is amazing, but it also 7 grand) Gucci, Celine or Louis Vuitton. Get the classic ones though, some of the wilder ones are way too faddy and for that kind of money, you want it to last for thirty years. I actually  have a small red Gucci purse that is probably twenty five years old. It is still as cool today as it was when I got it. That is the kind of bag you want to deliver this Valentines Day...

The perfect Valentine shoes are Christian Louboutins. Why? Because they have the signature red soles...They are super expensive ($400-$1,000) a pair, but sometimes you can get them way cheaper on net-a-porter.com. It's worth a shot. Also, Kate Spade has some super cute spring shoes out that any woman would love. Again, kind of like the hot dress, you'd best know your wife pretty well to make this work. However, I will never forget when Lizzie Joyce (daughter of the infamous Nancy and Brian Joyce) told me about how this guy she was dating found these great shoes that he knew she would love and bought them for her as a surprise. I told her to marry him immediately, because a straight man who can buy you shoes comes along once in a lifetime...they are now blissfully shoefully wedded...and I swear to you that shoe story still makes me tear up a little. If your wife is a shoe fan, and really, what woman isn't, go to zappos.com and they will totally hook you up. It's the easiest shoe buying you will ever do. You know this Valentine's Day you want to be the man who makes all the other wives in book club jealous because you got the shoe thing just right....

Also, another great gift for many women is sunglasses. Really. Many ladies want some great sunglasses, but they don't want to spend the money it takes. You can be the champ who gets these glasses for her...Old school Ray Ban aviators are really in, look great on just about everyone and cost under $200 ($189 at Nordstrom). Burberry has great sunglasses, (look for the aviator style at Eyeglasses123.com--I love these) Tom Ford also makes some very cool sunglasses too and he, too, has some really classic looks. Sunglasses are a great gift for the wife who isn't super sentimental, appreciates great details, and spends a lot of time at the pool in the summer.

Now, don't over look lingerie. (ok, maybe I am stating the obvious) Many women pretend that they don't like fancy lingerie, but many kind of do. Even if your wife doesn't want to don it every night, trust me, she will be flattered to think that you want her to wear it, and flattered that you think she can pull it off. Just don't buy the super sleazy stuff. It sends kind of the wrong message. And if your wife is over forty, buy judiciously. You make the call on that one, though, because if you need me to tell you what lingerie to buy your wife, just spring for the locket key chain from Tiffany's and everyone will be much happier.

Romantic Get Aways: The couples' escape weekend is a great Valentine's Day gift. Why? because you get to go too. And Why else? Because every one knows the Hotel Rule....and if you don't know the  hotel rule, call me, Tina Burke, Nancy Joyce, or Carol Sperry and one of us will fill you in...Surprise your wife with a great get away, and you will reap many rewards--I hear Vegas is a great, quick get away (never been--kind of scares me), but a night at the Peninsula, the Four Seasons, the Ritz or the Elysian in Chicago is pretty f'ing great. Also, an overnight at the American Club at Kohler is worth every penny. Kohler is only a ninety minute drive but if done right, it feels like a real vacation. Go really early in the morning, stay in the Carriage House because they give you great food three times a day and you can hang out at the spa for hours (their steam room is the best). Then head out to the clubhouse at Whisting Straits for a romantic lunch or early dinner. The tables by the window have a great view all year round. The Immigrant Room restaraunt in the big hotel is very fine and will not disappoint.

If you are doing the romantic get away and I highly recommend it, there are a few things that you, the gift giver, must execute or the gesture is feeble. First, make all the necessary reservations. Don't leave it to chance. This includes dinner, spa treatments, facials, massages or whatever else your wife will want. Next, and most important, get the babysitter and lock her in. Get all the details set up, get your in-laws, your neighbor, your grandma or whoever to promise to take your kids,so your wife doesn't have to handle that part. Getting an overnight sitter is a huge hassle and you are detracting from your awesome gift if that part is not taken care of. If you can pull off the Valentine's Day surprise, and get all your ducks in a row to sweep your wife out of town on actual Valentine's Day, you are a hero. But  that sort of grand gesture isn't really necessary and while most women think they like surprise get aways, they really don't. Oh, they like the get away, but they don't really like the surprise. Even the world's best husband cannot pack the right accessories for his wife. You  just know he will  forget the attachment to the blow dryer and he doesn't know what moisturizer you really use. So, schedule your weekend vacation (or go mid week--it feels like playing hooky) for a few weeks from now, get all the info, make all the plans and then wrap up a clue, the brochure, the reservation printed off the internet or whatever in a box (remember, she likes to unwrap things) and get some serious mileage out of your gift for weeks to come. Nicely played...

Electronics: Unless you know for absolute sure that your special someone wants a new phone, ipad, wii game or 50 inch tv, don't lean this way. YOU may want an X Box Kinect or NBA jam and think that the latest ipod nano touch is super cool, but your wife/girlfriend probably does not. Similarly, do not get your wife some sort of appliance, sports equipment or gps gadget. Sure, she may tell you that she'd like a new vaccuum cleaner, may some day take up golf or could use a stock pot from William Sonoma but please, do not be the shidiot who gets her one of these things for VALENTINE'S DAY. You will NOT get lucky purchasing anything of this ilk. You will get iced. ***big exception--unless you are my sister Wendy who is dying for a new Oreck and would probably  perform many exciting tricks if one showed up--even unwrapped--on Feb. 14th...pay attention, Tim Nickels, this is info that you need to know..

Dinner: Every dude makes a reservation and takes his lady out to dinner on Valentine's Day. This is not a bad thing, but unless it's in the kitchen at Charlie Trotters, it's pretty pedestrian and will not count as your actual gift. Don't get me wrong, dinner is a safe bet, totally expected and probably kind of required, but spruce it up a little. Put in some extra effort and try to make it count. Don't follow the crowd. Pick some place that is new, different and a bit of an effort. Go into the city, go up to Bacchus in Milwaukee or Gabriels in Lake Forest or Everest or Le Nomade in Chicago. (if you haven't made a reservation, you are probably screwed, but it's worth a try...) Better yet, take her out to a special breakfast. Leave the office and meet her some where fun for lunch. Or if you are game, make her a special dinner on Valentine's Day. However, if you choose to cook at home (unless you are a mighty fine cook, carry in at least part of it) make sure you are in charge of clean up so your Valentine does not have to do the heavy lifting.

The Big Gesture/The Quirky Gift: The last and final category of Valentine's gift is the very specific, very meaningful gesture--that special gift or moment that only your one true love will understand. You can play this one a lot of ways and to be very honest, pulling this one off can be the ultimate score...AND can save you tons of Benjamins. But you have to get it just right, or you will look like a total cheap ass. Allow me to explain...Let's say that you and the missus went to the movies for your first date and bonded over a big box of Mike and Ike's and a tub of popcorn . Recreate that date: Go to a movie that you know she will like, or is similar to your first date movie, spring for the popcorn and dig into the Mike and Ikes. Let her know how special that first date was and not only will she be super impressed that you remembered, but she will enjoy the movie and the treats. Jazz this up with a small gift or token like a CD you made of all the songs from your first year together, or all the songs she loves and you kind of hate (Joni Mitchell, the Indigo Girls, Beyonce's "If I were a Boy" ) and you will be the luckiest man in town. (at a very reasonable price tag) Likewise, give her something that requires knowledge and effort on your part that she will appreciate for weeks to come. Example: sneak her Ipod, load it up with new and better songs, wrap it up (remember, she has to open something) have her open it, and use the new songs as the soundtrack for the special dinner you made, or for the car ride to the cool restaurant you are going. OR another Example: give her 10 coupons for something that she really wants done but you really do not want to do:  like you to put gas in her car without complaining, you to give her a legit massage that lasts more than two minutes, you to be the one to get up with the baby in the middle of the night or you to be the one to make the kiddies breakfast and let her sleep in...the possibilities are endless, and if you pull out the right one, you will be the Valentine's Day superstar. I am not generally a fan of the "homemade" or "certificate" gift, (I really want those Burberry sunglasses) but I would never turn down a month of fill ups (it's cold outside) or five weekend pass from Saturday basketball. Be creative, be bold and go for the big gesture. Any fool with a credit card can get the peep toe Louboutins, (and that's totally cool) but it takes a special sort of man to promise to fold the laundry every week for a month. (sign me up for that one...)

Final word of advice--just remember, Valentine's Day is all about showing the one you love just how special she is. Pick, plan and make the day a special one for her. The bottom line is, your special someone wants to know that you love her, that you get her, that you are willing to put in that extra effort for her and that she is your Valentine. No matter what you give, no matter where you go, no matter what you do, if you do it with a kind heart, a spirit of true generosity and with unconditional, no strings attached love, trust me, you will be a very lucky man.

Well, time is ticking, I hope this helps. Admit it...I've given you some awesome advice...There is no excuse for messing up this Valentine's Day. ..go out there and  make me proud...your welcome.

Although I have already clued you in to a ton of great a potential gifts and cool product, I am still coming through with TODAY'S TOP TEN:

1. Vosges chocolates--I ate an entire box in one day--they are amazing . You can get them on line and in some very fine chocolate shops. --another potential Valentine's Day gift--you can get an assortment right now from gilt.com
2. The New Parks and Recreation--I laughed my ass off at Ron Swanson and his corn rows
3. Megan Mullaly--forgot how funny she is.
4. The plaid shirt/coat for men from LLBean's signature line that I bought for Jack--it's VERY cool
5. My DKNY glasses--they are that sort of nerdy cool. I kind of love them
6. The Green Bay Packers--Super Bowl Champs, and played a heck of a game.
7. Swamplandia!--this is a new book that is super quirky but hard to put down.
8. Dentyne Ice--just kidding--Dianne Amalfitano and her primo fur coat
9. Judy Pulera who  celebrated her birthday a few days ago
10. Valentine's Day--it's not just for amatuers any more. 

Just a warning--my spell check didn't work...go figure...sorry

IN DEFENSE OF THE TIGER MOM

I was at a very fun party last weekend, and I ran into my old editor from the Kenosha News. (Stop right there. If you didn't know me, and read that sentence, wouldn't it sound kind of impressive? I know, I'm impressed, too) Believe it or not, we had never actually met, but we had seen each other's photos in the News (he looks a lot taller in his picture--no offense) He was quite complimentary of my columns (and yet, I got the boot after my three year engagement ran out...) and mentioned one that I had kind of forgotten about. The Bad Kid column. This was always one of my favorites, because I swear I am on a one woman mission to "manner up" the younger generation (yes, somewhat ironic coming from a middle aged woman who swears like a sailor, but other than my foul language, and I am working on it, my manners are pretty Emily Posterific) and make their parents understand the heavy lifting involved in not raising a generation of boors.

In light of the recent controversy surrounding the Chinese mother Amy Chua who wrote the book The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, I feel the need to trot out this article and then provide some commentary to defend Ms. Chua. Here is the article, written almost four years ago now, but the sentiment still rings true:

My family really enjoys going out to dinner, but lately I’m finding it unbearable.  Not because my teenage boys eat like longshoreman, and not because feeding a family of eight at any place without a drive thru can cost more than my first car, it’s just that every time we go out to eat, it’s bratty kid night.  And not at my table. 

 By and large, our kids have been fine out in public.  They’ve eaten in some pretty fancy places (especially when a grandparent is picking up the tab), they’ve flown across the country, they’ve attended plays and concerts, and we’ve taken them to Mass since they were born. (no cry room)  Even when a waitress once dumped hot syrup on one of the boys (hey, free breakfast), no one peeped.  I’m not saying that our kids are perfect by any means, and they certainly are not any more naturally well behaved than any other children, but we always made it crystal clear that we had zero tolerance for poor behavior.  We’ve always been hyper concerned that our little circus not bother other diners, fliers, shoppers, worshippers, whatever. Manners, courtesy, politeness, and consideration for those around you are a BIG deal in our house.  I still say to my brood (ages 7-17), “Maybe families with two kids can act like that, but families with six kids—no way.  They’ll call Children’s Services.”

 I have to admit I’m tired of having my meal, flight, movie, or event spoiled by some kid who is just out of control.  Way too many parents have no idea how ill mannered their children are. I’m not kidding.  Last week, as we were seated at a mid scale family restaurant, chaos was all around us. On my right were three children who just kept doing laps around their table, periodically stopping to throw themselves at their mother and whine for food. The table behind us had two kids, maybe four and five years old, who did sprints up and down the banquet bench, pounding on the glass divider between our two tables, and pressing their ketchup stained faces against the glass.  It was kind of funny at first, (for about a minute) then it just became annoying.  I kept motioning for junior and his little brother to sit down and turn around, I even gave them “the eye”, a never fail discipline trick in our house, but they never flinched.  

Sad to say, these children were not orphans. They were there with several full blown adults, who presumably were their parents. However, none of these adults made any real attempt to rein these monsters in.  Instead, they did what so many parents do now. They give that look that conveys, “Oh, I know this behavior is kind of irritating, but I don’t really want to stop my conversation to actually discipline this child, and frankly, isn’t my kid just so cute?” 

Well, I’m here to tell you, because some one has to—No, your kid is not cute.  Of course YOU think he’s cute, you’re his parent, that’s just nature’s way of ensuring that you don’t kill him when he’s a teenager, but no one else thinks he’s cute. They may say so, or may even act amused, but what they are really thinking is “please go home, please go home, please go home.” A poorly behaved child does nothing to endear himself to anyone.  And here’s a news flash, as the parent, it’s your job to teach your kid to behave.  Sorry, that’s part of the parenting program.  It’s in the handbook, look it up.

And here’s an even bigger news flash, your kids can actually behave.  Trust me, they can do it.  It is not too much to expect a four year old to sit in a chair in a restaurant long enough to eat a meal.  And it is absolutely reasonable to make your five year old sit through Mass without a coloring book, a cold beverage and a bag of cheerios. Your kids can make it through a movie, a concert, an airline flight and a doctor’s appointment, without throwing a fit, without making a fuss, without spoiling the experience for you, them and all the unsuspecting people you will come in contact with.  You just have to make them.  And keep making them, and keep making them.  Don’t make excuses, (She’s tired, she’s hungry, she’s upset, she’s coming down with something…I’ve heard them all), don’t make exceptions (just this once, as long as you drink your milk, because you have a friend over, …..)  You are the adult, and you get to make the rules.  Don’t be afraid to say “No” and don’t be afraid to actually follow through. Your kids will be happier, you will be happier, and if you are sitting anywhere near me in a restaurant, I will be way happier.  Because here is the deal, and I’m telling it to you straight, if you can’t control your seven year old, God help you when she’s seventeen. 

 I haven't read this article in a long time, but I still clearly remember those God forsaken kids in the Cheesecake Factory and their over indulgent parents who couldn't be bothered to keep them in line. And that, my friends, is the circle back point with me and the Tiger Mom..and why I want to defend her here in my blog.

 I will fully confess, I have not read the Tiger Mom's entire book, and who really has to now that she has been interviewed by the Wall Street Journal  twice, been in People Magazine, every other weekly publication and has a reoccurring spot on every morning talk show,? but the gist of her book is that you can get your children to achieve --academically, behaviorally,--  by setting out clear, high, ambitious expectations for your children and then not accepting less. Guess what? It works. It really does. It's not easy, and that's why all the American moms hate the book, because we are all looking for the easy, but staying on your offspring, holding them to goals and expectations that you know they can achieve if they put some true effort into it, is a VERY admirable thing to do. (For an even better defense of Amy Chua, read the rebuttal by her oldest daughter Sophia in the Wall Street journal, who gives a great perspective on the whole thing)

Yeah, yeah, I read the excerpt from the book about her forcing her kid to sit at that piano and play that song over and over again, and I wouldn't do that with my kids, but the reason I wouldn't is because they have no piano aptitude. (i.e.it would be something that they could not achieve even with the absolute maximum effort,-you should hear Posey just butchering her violin--it's painful) But I have done the same sorts of things with behavior, or with grades. I am not going to lie to you. And I'd do it again tomorrow.

Everyone of my kids knows the McKeon Spelling Rule: You are not allowed to get anything less than 100 on a spelling test BECAUSE THEY GIVE YOU THE ANSWERS.  You get the list of words on Monday, they give you the test on Friday. And unless the teacher is going to pop some surprise words on you, you've got FOUR FULL DAYS to memorize them. This is not too much to ask. (of any student, really) and I would be slighting  my kids if I expected anything less. I, like Mrs. Chua,  expect my kids to get straight As, because I know with enough work and some focus they can do that. I will cut them some slack in AP Chem (ok, an A-, but I'm not happy about it or for Jack an A- in AP Econ, but they feel my displeasure, because unless they are going in every day and asking for help, or studying around the clock, I 'm not going to believe their "I tried my hardest" b.s.) Our college kids have been told in no uncertain terms, that we will continue to fund their educations as long as they have a 3.5 average or above. Notre Dame is super expensive. We are willing to make that investment, but only if the kids do their part. I think for our two kids at ND right now, (business and Arts and Letters majors) a 3.5 is more than reasonable. When Jack is there next year and facing Organic Chemistry and Physics, we may adjust the scale for him, but seriously, I don't want to sell him short. And that my friends, is the point that Amy Chua is making: Don't sell your kids short. They can accomplish amazing things, but you, the grown ups in their lives (unlike the slackers at the Cheese cake Factory) may have to force, cajole, haggle, and possibly threaten greatness out of them. And you do it, because you love them, because you know they are worth it, because you know that they can do it, and though you know it may be difficult, you are willing to do the difficult, willing to show displeasure at a 98 on the spelling test, because you are selling them short if you don't.

Likewise, with behavior, and by this I mean being respectful to adults, kind to other children, polite in conversation, putting others first, etc. my standards are ridiculously high and I will not back down.  Please understand something. My kids were not born naturally gifted or naturally well behaved. It is all learned behaviour. To me, Chris McKeon was probably one of the worst behaved toddlers known to man. Seriously, ask anybody at our old Country Club in Ohio. I swear, people would cringe the minute we walked in the gate. It was his inborn nature to be a crying, surly, miserable, high maintenance kid. You've all seen them, well I had one. Chris was so bad that my mom once threatened to ban him from our annual Michigan Family vacation because he was so irritating. However, I was never going to put up with it, and would not allow him to be one of those obnoxious kids whose parents deemed "sensitive", which every teacher knows is a code word for "behavioral nightmare".  It took me close to two years to get him in line, but I was relentless with him, because I totally knew I was doing him no favors allowing his natural surliness to reign.  There were days when he would be back in his room for a time out three times before 8:30 am. I can remember saying to his little three year old face as I was dumping him back on his bed for the 11th time in one day: "I am bigger than you, smarter than you, stronger than you, have all the money and can drive a car. You are never going to win this battle. We will do this my way, all day long, every day until you get it." Eventually, right around his fourth birthday, he got it.  And for those of you who know Chris McKeon, I certainly didn't break his unique little spirit along the way...However, I did hold him accountable for his behavior and would not let him off the hook, because I knew, that somewhere in that squalling, miserable three year old, was a bright, energetic, pleasant boy just waiting to get out. It just took a while....

Trust me, our kids are no where near perfect, and I have to stay on top of them plenty. Constant reinforcement is key, but the incidents get further apart. When we moved here from Ohio, Chris was in the sixth grade. (It's always Chris, the other kids all learned off of his envelope pushing personality) We had been here for about six months, just enough time for him to get comfortable and feel the need to mark his spot on the playground. One day at recess, Chris and three other boys were making stupid comments about a teacher and showing off in a very common, but very ignorant way for a group of girls in their class. I heard about it, and showed him no mercy. I abhor disrespectful behavior. At that point in time, Chris was the leading scorer on his sixth grade basketball team, and they were heading into tournament season. Oh, and in a total fluke, never to happen again, Dave McKeon was his coach. (Really, my cousin Mark was his coach, but they were desperate for a body and Dave signed the paper to coach these kids) So, in response to Chris' behavior, I pulled him off the team. For good. Not just for a game, not just for a week, but turn in your uniform Done!!. God Bless him, Dave backed me up, but the other parents were horrified, and even the principal called me in his office and thought I was being too harsh. I told him my line that I've used more than once since then: "I am not trying to raise a great athlete. I am trying to raise a great man, and I don't care if Chris ever sees the inside of a gym again, but he will be a gentleman, he will be polite, he will understand the behavior I expect." The other three boys on his team  were not punished by their parents at all, and finished out the season.  One of the boys said to Chris: "Man, your mom is such a Nazi, I feel really sorry for you." When Chris relayed this sentiment to me, I said to him, and still mean this today: "You know what, Chris. I know that I am harsh, and I know I expect a lot from you, but I feel really sorry for those other boys. They don't have a single adult who loves them enough to get them to understand just how important it is for you to learn to respect others, treat them kindly and think before you speak. That's what this is all about. I know you can be great, I expect you to be great, and expecting anything less than greatness out of you is a sin on both of our parts." I repeated this exact same punishment with Jack in the 8th grade, with football, when he mouthed off to a teacher. Again, while the coaches and parents were appalled, Jack knew exactly what he had done, learned his lesson and moved on.

We are all in this parent gig together. Everyone is muddling through the best they can. Just get off Amy Chua's back, because her intentions are spot on, and who are we kidding, her results seem pretty good. And she's a professor at Yale Law School, she can't be a total moron. Maybe I am just a tad defensive because I have a little Tiger Mom in me. And unlike my kids spelling tests, I certainly don't have all the answers, but I know that it is a big mistake to underestimate your kids aptitude for greatness. Don't set the bar too low, don't make yours, and likewise, your kids expectations too easy. Childhood goes really fast, and while we all want our kids' childhoods to be filled with unicorns and rainbows, remember, childhood is the training ground for adulthood. And you my fellow parents, are responsible for imparting those lessons, establishing those behaviors, and forcing those high standards that you want your kids to take with them as they walk into the world of the grown ups. Trust me, they're not going to just wake up one day and start getting good grades, being super citizens, building wells in Uganda, helping old ladies across the street and filling out applications to grad school.  It's all learned behavior based on your expectations and your willingness to stick with those expectations even when it gets tough. That's your job. Teach them, show them, force them toward greatness. Everyone of us, including Amy Chua, knows our kids can be great. Don't let them down, don't sell them short by letting them off too easy. Man up and be mom.

With that little diatribe out of my system, on a much lighter note, here are:

Today's Top Ten

1. All moms, especially the bad asses
2. Snow days--it's official, tomorrow is already a snow day
3. Chris McKeon,--for always being the example (ok, mostly bad example...)
4. My new wide suede chocolate brown belt with the black leather accents and round silver belt buckle from the 45 Parallel in Michigan. It is beyond awesome and I am not making this up when I say that I waited almost two years for this bad boy to go on sale. It's worth it.
5. My UPS man who just climbed through a huge snow drift to deliver my cashmere sweaters from PURE
6. "Les Miserables"--the musical. Annie saw it last night in London and was raving. Dave McKeon and I saw it on Broadway when we were first married and after a few minutes, culture hound Dave turns to me and says: "Are they seriously going to sing this whole fucking thing? There are no words? And why are they wearing those rags? What sort of fucking play did you drag me to?" Ahh yes, even after twenty three years of marriage, some things never change
7. Jimmer Fredette--starting point guard on BYU's basketball team. He is amazing, amazing, amazing
8. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies--official snack food of the snow day
9. Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls--she wrote that book about Glass Castles about her crazy family and their dumpster diving ways, which kind of creeped me out, but this book is really great.
10. Steve Lund and the Kenosha News for publishing my ravings.

Have a great day, stay warm, stay safe and stay off the roads as the blizzard of the century arrives.

GRAB A BEVERAGE, IT'S A LONG ONE....



Way to go, Tricia, upping the ante with your celebrity photo...  Khloe Khardashian...pfft, just a flash in the pan compared to a true American icon like the irascible Ruth Buzzi. And while many of you know Ms. Buzzi as the weekly laugh riot on Laugh-In, who can ever forgot her stellar performance in the cinema classic "The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again"? For those of you who do not have the bionic vision necessary to see this photo on the comment portion of the blog, here is Tricia's celebrity photo op moment:

Tricia, how cute were you when you were little? If you don't mind, could you please fill us all in on your special moment with Ms. Buzzi.? I am assuming this was taken during her hey day and pinnacle of fame.  As an obvious Ruth Buzzi aficionado, I am sure that Tricia knows that Yes, indeed, our Ms. Buzzi and her comedy genius live on. I like to think that she and her good friend Charles Nelson Reilly (God rest his soul) would get a small chuckle if they had the good fortune to stumble upon this blog. Thanks, Tricia, for sharing this true brush with greatness. Please, in the spirit of Tricia and the venerable Ruth Buzzi, let's keep those celeb photos coming.

Katey Caspar came through with a VERY timely photo, (see above) a picture of her parents and the Super Bowl Bound Donald Driver. Although this photo does not actually contain KATEY, (Katey, Katey, Katey, always bucking the directions, just like in Boot Camp) it is still very cool. For those of you who do not know, Katey's mom and dad do some commercial work in their spare time and Katey's mom shot a commercial with Donald Driver this fall. She was paid to slap him on the fanny...nice work if you can get it. I am surprised that Brian Pond does not have the male version of this job.... As you can see, both of Katey's parents are very photogenic.  (and as you can also see, I have TOTALLY mastered the "insert photo" part of the blog---Laurie McKeon 2.0). Please help me keep my technology skills current by sending in your celebrity photos (or your mom's celebrity photos) today. 

Okay, I've got to tell you, I have some news and I am super psyched about it. I got accepted to Grad School yesterday. Seriously, I got into Grad School yesterday.  How cool is that? I will be entering the Executive Masters of Non Profit Administration Program at the University of Notre Dame this summer. I mean it when I say, this is something I've always wanted to do and like the uber nerd that I really am, I can't wait to start. It's an Executive Program so most of it is done on line, but I do have to spend the next two summers on the Notre Dame campus (tough duty). I am not quite sure what I am going to do with my kids this summer while I am in South Bend for a month, but I'm pretty sure we will figure it out.  Annie may be spending the summer in Boston doing an internship, and I am VERY leery of leaving Chris "college freshman shidiot of the year" McKeon in charge of the brotherhood and their daily antics, let alone in charge of his little sister.  Good Lord, you just know that somehow under his watchful eye, all the downstairs furniture would be sold on ebay and the family room would be converted into a ping pong/basketball court/frat house/pool hall. And to be honest, I fear that their father would not ever notice.

Speaking of their father, Dave McKeon has some reservations about this whole back to school plan.  I know this will come as a surprise to all, but Dave is somewhat skeptical of my academic endeavor. Basically, he is trying to figure out just how much this is going to cost him, and if there is any truth to my claims that this degree will eventually lead to some legitimate, gainful, PAID employment. (He has a tendency to make many references to my law degree and its ability to generate actual cash in the marketplace and my unwillingness to make that happen) He is also blanching just a tad at the thought of paying FOUR Notre Dame tuitions next year....However, when I pointed out to him that he is now officially sleeping with a co-ed, the news seemed to be a little more palatable. As in everything, it all depends on your perspective...

Now that I am officially admitted to Grad School, I can share with you my experience in taking the GRE. (I was afraid to post my GRE story at the time because I'm pretty sure if the admissions  people at ND read it, they would shred my application upon receipt) Have any of you taken the GRE lately? or any standardized test for that matter? Seriously, I have a whole new respect for my kids and their standardized test taking abilities. (but don't tell them that) Let's get a perspective here, a historical perspective: The last standardized test I took was the Bar Exam in 1987, prior to that, I took the LSAT in 1984...that was literally DECADES ago--pre i pod, i pad, i tunes, or i anything. Hell, most of today's NBA players weren't even born.

So, when I decided to apply for Grad School (let's just see how many times I can use "grad school" in this post...) I had to sign up to take the GRE. Well guess what? Unless you live in Guam or Puerto Rico, you cannot take a paper version of the GRE. You must take it on line...And you  must take it at a "certified testing center" OK, whatever that is. So, I signed up back in the Fall to take the GRE at some test center in Deerfield for some date in December.  I pretty much forget about it until the weekend before the exam when I finally cracked the GRE prepbook that I bought a back in October. I began with the verbal section because, frankly, it's the easiest. I read all the time and am not afraid of big words. I moved nicely through the analogies, the reading comprehension, the grammar and best word choices and am feeling pretty good. I also read about the writing portion of the exam. No big deal. I can write an on line essay with one hand tied behind my back...do it all the time.

Then, with less than 24 hours before exam time, I glance at the Math. Interesting. Remember, I have not taken an actual math class since Calc 1 at Notre Dame in the Spring of 1981. Yes, that would be THIRTY  YEARS AGO.  And because I am the mom who refuses to help her kids with their homework, I do not even get the benefit of a little refresher course on the backs of my kids. I took a look at some of the math problems and I am not going to lie...they looked kind of hard. Frankly, I do not remember the formula for figuring out the area of a circle, square, rectangle or any combination of the above. I tried to cram those geometric formulas into my middle aged brain, but with all the other crap in there, like the names of all the brothers in the Jackson Five, the calorie count of four rice krispie treats, the words to the theme song for the Jeffersons, there really was no room for the difference between mean, median and average, let alone the function of negative exponents. Basically, I was hoping to get super lucky with a whole bunch of graphing questions. 

Test day dawns and I have to check into the Official Test Center by 8:00 am. Fearing rush hour traffic, I leave the house at 6:30. (Little aside: Testing day for me is sweat pants day at the boys' school, (aside to an aside--I hate fun dress days, If I wanted my kids to wear jeans, sweats, jerseys, costumes to school, I would have sent them to public school)  Because I am not home to supervise the morning, Jack apparently walked out of the house in a one piece fire engine red union suit--yeah, just get the visual on that. Shocker, but while his father did not notice this sartorial display, school certainly did and made him change his clothes. Apparently a one piece red union suit does not constitute sweat pants. According to Jack, who knew?)... 

I reach the "test center" which really is just a big office building, and go up to this suite of rooms. This is some CIA sort of shit. The security is major. They make you sign in, show two ids, empty your pockets, sign a confidentiality statement, lock up your belongings, leave all drinks, calculators, scratch paper, lip balm (I asked) in the outer room. There are many, many "test center" rules. If you screw up, they will kick your GRE cheating ass out. Really, how many of the dorks sitting in the "test center" lobby are packing a mini camera to steal test questions? Even more intriguing is just how many people are sitting in the test center lobby ready to take these standardized tests on a Tuesday morning...again, who knew? Less intriguing is the fact that I am the oldest test taker in the vicinity. Great. I hope I get some sort of an age handicap. All these youngsters seem to have taken this test before. They all know the drill and immediately jump in with both feet.

They assign me a computer in the  inner sanctum, and remind me, I cannot leave that area until the computer prompt says it is break time. I must put my id on the top of the little shelf in my carrel along with the key to my locker. Then I have to  go through the whole computer training seminar on how to move a mouse and  click on the right answer. Because I have never taken a test on line, I sit through the whole mother loving thing. The only thing I learn during the seminar is that there is no way to make the test go backwards. You must answer and move on. Thus totally eliminating the tried and true, very effective test strategy of answering all the easy ones and going back for the hard ones. Great...Another very interesting part of the GRE is that the better you do the harder it gets...The computer actually adjusts as you go, altering the questions based on your previous responses....Great, again

I begin with the writing. The young hipsters in the crowd have been typing like fiends for hours. None of them bothered to sit through the "training" seminar. Whatever. I finish my two essays and unlike all the rest of the testers, I opt to take the computer allowed 10 minute break. I need blistex and a hit of Diet Dr. Pepper. When my ten minutes are up, I once again reveal that my pockets hold no contraband and I return to my computer. It's go time. The Math section pops up on the screen. They start me off easy to gauge my skills. I must answer a few right and the next thing I know, these incredibly complicated multi level fractions that include exponents, variables and absolute values are flashing on the screen. I am in so far over my head that I seriously want to start to cry...but I can't because they didn't let me bring in any Kleenex. I swear, the hipster are just about done and I am still trying to figure out if a negative exponent trumps an unsolvable three variable equation.

The clock is ticking away and I am not getting any smarter. Many sided geometric figures involving arcs, lines, triangle and angles float on the screen, I have to guess at these ones too...Dammit why can't they ask me to name Darren Steven's boss?I know that one. (Larry Tate)  Better yet, how Paris Hilton is related to Prudence from Nanny and the Professor (Paris is the niece of Kim Richards, previously of Nanny and the Professor and Escape to Witch Mountain fame, now on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Similarly, Haley Mills is the niece of Juliet Mills who played Nanny on the show) I am obviously taking the wrong test.  Problems involving percentages creep up indicating that I have answered all the hard questions wrong. I may not know these answers, but I sure as hell know that the machine is dumbing down the questions for me...Now, I just begin to flat out panic. I am guessing away, praying for divine inspiration, just hoping to recognize something that may even remotely resemble a right answer. Finally I resort to just making sure I answer every questions, and I can't even do that, because time runs out and my screen goes black with two questions left unanswered. Shiiittt.  I  am done with Math...but probably not forever, because I am pretty darn sure I will be reporting to this test center some time in the near future to take this bad boy again. I am literally covered in flop sweat and I am not allowed to take a break. Great..

The verbal section follows and it's just fine. Actually, I realize I must be holding my own because the last reading comprehension passage is seriously a five page text lifted from some Phd level scientific journal. OK, let's hope I ace this section because I will seriously need to balance out my remedial math score....My heart is still racing, every hipster is gone, and I am the only dumbass who stays to complete the "experimental section" of the GRE even though the computer says you don't have to. I swear to you I was honestly hoping that the computer would give me some extra GRE credit for being a kind, helpful, eager beaver  experimental test taking guinea pig. I am now reduced to sucking up to the GRE test machine in the hopes of improving my score.

 Yet another interesting aspect of the GRE is that at the end of the exam, while you are still sitting right there, in the inner sanctum, at your little assigned carrel, the computer will automatically score your test and give you your GRE results. Sounds like a pretty nice option. How handy to know your score. However, this demon test from hell also gives you the tantalizing option of not getting your test graded at all (no harm no foul) and just bailing out on the whole thing. Once the test is scored, it is official and will automatically be reported to your school of choice.  THREE TIMES they show me the prompt about bailing out, THREE TIMES. I start to panic, certain that my new BFF the GRE computer is trying to  tell me something---THREE TIMES. The  flop sweat is back with a vengeance. Score or bail, score or bail?  Finally, I decide, screw it, I'm not getting any younger and I'm certainly not getting any smarter. Just score the gd thing and let me move on with my math impaired life...I brace myself and the computer flashes my score...I'm not quite sure what it means, but it seems to be ok. And the good news is, I am never taking this fudging test again...ever. However, I cannot write my score down because I was not allowed to bring any papers into or out of the inner sanctum...great. We all know that I will never remember this score because every crevice of my brain is filled with TV trivia from my childhood.

Man, my stomach hurts just remembering that whole test thing. I quickly rallied, left the test center, put it all behind me and went on to more important things like meeting my sister Wendy to help her pick out flooring for her summer house. Nice that I've kept my priority straight.

Told you this was a long one....

Today's Top Ten:

1. The Kindle. It is JUST amazing. I am an addict. It may be a permanent top ten.
2. Eddie Martinis--my favorite Milwaukee restaurant
3. The long cabled cashmere sweater currently on sale right now on Pure Cashmere.  Yes, I bought it.
4. The Hunter tote on sale at gilt.com
5. Ben Hansborough--played some great basketball for ND this week. Take that big brother, Tyler
6. Grad School--just getting it in one last time.
7. White, glossy subway tiles--a very cool and clean look for Wendy's summer house showers
8. Neosporin overnight lip balm--a must during these cold days
9. Serena and Lilly- a beautiful catalogue of baby furniture, linens and paint samples. They have the best fabrics and rugs around,
10. Ok, even though I am a Bears Fan....Aaron Rodgers...He is a great quarterback, really lead his team on Sunday and provides the necessary contrast to reveal Jay Cutler as the total whining p*$$y that he really is...

Okay, let's get those celebrity photos coming in. New post soon. I swear, it's already started.

We Want Results, Not Excuses

Okay, I'm admitting it...I've been seriously remiss in keeping the blog current. January is a recooping month for me and I'm telling you, after the holiday rush, the college kid frenzy, getting Annie off to London (more on that later) and finishing my Grad school application, I'm just goddawful tired (no profanity in that sentence...one down). In addition, I am so freaking cold that I've been pretty much paralyzed for the last week or so, except for the crazy flurry of activity that had to take place to accomplish the tasks above.  I know, I get it, to quote the infamous Jack Davidson (who is a seven year old font of wisdom) "We want results, not excuses"., but all I really have right now, is a big old bucket of excuses. So here they are:

1.  Annie left for a semester in London on Wednesday-see below for the details
2. I had to take my Christmas stuff down.  It was A LOT of stuff.  Seriously, this year I had a way better display than the State Street Macy's (Back me up here, Katey Casper and Beth Mattuecci, on both the volume and the caliber of the decor) and for some reason it took me like a full week to dismantle the whole thing
3. The College Kids were home--Annie and Chris generate WAY more laundry than the other four combined. (spoiled shidiots)  Also, we were constantly playing car musical chairs--3 drivers, 2 cars= extra driving for me and they all kept wanting food. Like my kitchen is some sort of dining hall "Grab and Go". Nice to have everyone back on a schedule and nice to have only the four younger kids home because their expectations are super low. "Mom made dinner? Really? Did the Visa Bill come today?"
4. I had to finish my Grad School Application--this is a true story. I am applying to Grad School. I know, I know "What the Hell am I thinking?" Not sure, but there is a VERY good chance that I will not get in, given that I had to provide a resume which makes it kind of hard to hide the fact that I have not had a JOB IN ALMOST TWENTY YEARS....
5. I am freezing my F'ing Ass off--it is SO cold here (Dave McKeon keeps the thermostat at a nippy 68 degrees, and I am not cranking  it up to 72 the minute he leaves for the office like I usually do because I am trying to stay on his good side as I plan not just a trip to London, but a Spring Break trip as well) and it just keeps snowing outside.  I am not particularly good in even mid 40s weather, so it is all I can do to muscle up and leave my house in these arctic conditions. Right now, I am wearing a turtleneck, a cashmere long sleeved crew neck sweater, a cashmere cardigan, two pairs of smart wool socks from LL Bean, and a blanket. The temptation to power up the kindle, crawl under the blanket and just give up is pretty great. It is only because I love all of you and this super special blog that I have found the inner drive to post up....You're welcome....

OK, those are all of my excuses. I know that they are lame, but I am sticking with them. I do promise that I will post more often and I am still waiting for pictures of all of you with famous people. Fine, fine, you don't have to be kissing them, just send me a nice shot of you and a celebrity and I will insert it into this blog...just like this:  (again, be dazzled and amazed by my technological proficiency)

This is Brian Pond with Khloe Khardashian at a Timberwolves game. Yes, Brian Pond again. I am not sure what he does for a living, but Chris McKeon wants to job shadow him. Somehow, he gets to rub elbows with famous women, attend professional sporting events. and get paid for it.  Nicely played, FF Pond!

For all the rest of you, let's get those pics in or I will have to resort to my photo with Bill Bennet, Drug Czar!

Now, for your edification I am going to share a few of the details involved in getting Annie off to London. Pay attention because this blog is nothing if not educational. Once you have read how well we did with the packing stage, you will know not to ask me (or my sister Wendy) for any advice at all. Please, I am telling you with all sincerity, when your kid goes to study abroad, just call Sue Chiappetta. She knows everything.

But on to our story...First of all, Annie had to pack for four plus months of fun and travel in the UK and all of Europe. From what I am being told, (mostly by Annie) there are many necessary items that a young lady needs for this sort of foreign study and thanks to Sue and Emily Chiappetta, all the folks at McTernan Wireless and our very good friend, Ted the Personal Banker at Johnson Bank, Annie has them all and then some. We have secured every possible communication and payment devise necessary to anticipate any glitches. My big fear is that Annie will be stranded in a real foreign country (not England where they actually speak ENGLISH--who are we kidding? this is why Annie went there, she was way too lazy to learn another language) with no money, computer or cell phone. So, we have given her about twenty different ways to call home and about thirty different ways to access cash....Slightly scary no matter which way you go. We are trusting that she will be responsible with all of the above and not decide to buy several rounds of drinks at some flashy international disco for a bunch of Euro trash posers with her back up, back up Visa gift card that is to be hidden on her body at all times....(I hope you are reading this closely, Annie McKeon or your father will cut you off...)

However, and I'm sure this will come as a shock to absolutely no one...despite all of Dave McKeon's money lectures and Annie's good intentions, she didn't even make it through O'Hare security without hitting the pay button, hard...and again, shocker here, it was pretty much my fault. Allow me to explain. In the few days before Anne was leaving, we began to organize all of the items deemed essential to make it through a semester abroad. I'm not going to lie to you, there were a lot of them.  Then, we winnowed that bunch down some, but I added a small down comforter (c'mon, who wants to sleep with the regulation blankets? and you all know my big issues with sheets, beg bugs, etc. --thanks for the "sleep sack", Sue and Emily. Annie will not be the only one sleeping easier knowing that little miracle device is in play)  and a few towels for comfort and travel. Now, as a side note, Anne was understandably nervous to be heading across the pond. New country, new friends, new time zone, new currency... no sky caps and slave brothers to haul  her junk..., so I didn't want to further freak her out, by not allowing her to take several pairs of True Religion jeans.  My sage sister Wendy went through a similar experience with her daughter Maggie, when she studied in Mexico last semester. She gave me this seemingly responsible advice "Oh, I know, we didn't want to upset Maggie, either, so it was just easier to pay the extra money for the luggage"  With this comment ringing through my head, Annie and I continued to vacuum pack her stuff (those vacuum bag things are a true miracle of technology and fun. I swear to you, there is something incredibly gratifying in seeing four coats, five pairs of jeans and ten sweaters sucked down into a handbag size brick of cloth. You should see how small the down comforter and towels got...man, I love those bags. Only bag downside, they lull you into thinking you have less stuff than you really do....)

Anne told me she was allowed to bring two fifty pound bags, along with two carry ons. Well, we had two bags filled with vacuum packed clothes and bedding, and two good sized carry ons....(thanks again, Emily for the ultimate carry on/back pack North Face bag) In regard to the checked luggage, one was really close to fifty pounds, and the other...not so much. It weighed in at 61 pounds on our bathroom scale, (high tech luggage weighing device), but with my sister's sound advice in mind, I thought, "no big deal, Annie is happy,she has everything that she needs to last four months and to repel bed bugs, so we're all good".

In a surprise move, Dave McKeon unexpectedly accompanied Annie and I to the airport. (Nate, Pete and Posey came too...Posey out of a love for her sister, Nate and Pete out of a love for skipping school) This was great, because Dave could park the car while the boys hauled Annie's big bags into the terminal. Once we finally checked in and got the bags to the counter, seeing all sorts of ND kids along the way (the girl next to us in line obviously had a better luggage scale and a WAY smarter Aunt because she only had two TINY wheelie bags to hoist up on the scale), our not particularly friendly check in guy weighs  the first bag (51 lbs) nods and lets it go. We then wrestle the big boy up there, which clocks in at a whopping 65 lbs. OK, we knew this was coming, I get ready to pay the freight, and with his chronic perfect timing, Dave McKeon comes strolling in from the parking garage, JUST IN TIME TO HEAR THE GUY SAY..."THAT WILL BE TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!!   Fifty for the second bag, and $200 because it is over weight".  The girl next to us in line, with her 35 total pounds of luggage looks a little smug. Her parents are even happier but somewhat appalled as they listen to this lovely marital exchange:

Dave says to me:  "Are you going to take some shit out of that bag so that it doesn't cost us $200?" I say "No, I really can't because it is all vacuum packed into clothing bricks, I am afraid if we open up one brick,  the whole bag is going to blow"  Then he says, (and I'm quoting here so don't call me out on the profanity) "What the FUCK does she have in that bag?"  And I say, "Well, a lot of clothes and I made her bring a down comforter and a few towels because I didn't want her sleeping on the junky, used bedding they give the kids" And he says to me, not in a whisper mind you "Do you think she JUST MIGHT be able to buy a FUCKING  blanket in FUCKING LONDON for less than TWO HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS??!!.  Jesus Christ, just hand her some cash and take the towels and blanket out of the bag"  I again explained that due to my expert packing with the vacuum bags, the f'ing  towels and blankets were sucked into sealed parcels with other necessary items. If we touched one, we'd upset the whole balance of the suitcase and pretty much the universe as we know it would blow up and come to a screeching halt.

Dave did his typical head shake, sigh of paternal despair, and watched as I handed 250 American dollars to Mr. Disgruntled Airline worker. Dave was even more excited when I added this little aside: "Hey, pal, this is just the tip of the international travel iceberg. just get used to it."  To which he promptly replied: "Tell the boys they are staying on FUCKING  American soil for all four years of their FUCKING college experience. I don't give a shit if they are the biggest, lopsided, uncultured boors this side of Jethro Clampett....$200 dollars for a spare blanket?  You've got to be fucking kidding me.  She better meet some goddamn Duke while she's over there or she's never getting this fucking luggage home...."   Needless to say, the parents of the girl with the two tiny wheelie bags in line behind us were not asking to coordinate schedules and travel together to visit the girls in London. Aaahhh, once again, the McKeons make a graceful, heart felt and delicate exit in a public situation. Still living the family motto: "We're the McKeons. If it can take longer and cost more, we're the first in line."  Thanks a lot for the great advice, Wendy.....

I will continue to keep you posted on Annie in London and her quest to get invited to the Royal Wedding....

Today's Top Ten:

1. Ted the Banker
2. Ryan Carey--a fine young man who seems to be the only thing keeping Annie and her super honed sense of direction from getting lost every day in London
3. Vacuum sealing space bags....they are a modern marvel, no matter what Dave Mckeon thinks
4. International Black Berry Messaging. Thanks to this technological wizardry, I can text Annie night and day, and supposedly it is free....
5. Smart Wool socks from LLBean.
6. Lori Gunzenhaeuser--she is our old babysitter from Mansfield who is now a follower on this blog.  I am telling you, she was an AWESOME  babysitter who watched our kids from the time she was 11 years old. Hey, Lori, I just found a picture of you and Pete from Torch Lake when he was just a toddler. You were super tan. Do you remember how freakishly small he was?? Now he is a punk...don't worry, I'm not blaming you....I'm blaming Jack
7. The beautiful bowl the Beth Mattuecci gave me from Watts. It is stunning.
8. Darphin Hydraskin moisturizer.  It's way cheaper than La Mer, but works great
9. Biscuits from KFC--just had one last night, forgot how good they are. These were a staple of my law school diet, because they were super cheap and filling. still are...
10. Silk Sleep sack--anything that keeps the germs and funk of strange sheets and bedding away will always make the top ten.

Have a great week. Keep the pictures coming...Even though I have been lax in my posting duties, please continue to comment on the blog...